I'm still mad & not getting better!

[Davis]

I know it's only been five weeks and I have been doing pretty well and I've had NC. Well, accept for the anger. I still find myself saying "I hate that fckn %@&*#" about 20 times a day. She cheated on me and is now with that guy. When ever I see her driving around or hear about her it's like getting kicked in the stomach and then I start getting mad.

 

I talked with my buddy on the phone this morning. He told me that he saw my ex's new dude driving her new BMW 745 around town yesterday. That got me angry all over again. She and I always took that car and I always drove. Now he's driving it, at her house and having sex with her. It's like he took over part of my life!! Argghh! I think I also have trouble understanding how my ex can just "exchange" one guy for another.

 

I keep thinking they're together in bliss and I'm sitting here with no one and unhappy. All my friends tell me that I should be happy that I'm no longer with her and dealing with her drinking, lying, cheating, deception and drama. I know all that and I know she's no good. But why am I still angry and can't seem to get over it?!?!

[guin_girl]

I'm sorry you are hurting Davis... I know your friends mean well, but I know I had to ask mine to stop bringing him up to me. You don't need to have them remind you of her.

 

And remember, you got the better end of the deal, you got rid of a cheater... And as many say on here, you have no idea if they are happy or not... for all you know, he's just using her to drive her car

 

But remember once a cheater, always a cheater (for the most part, there are a few who learn) and he will be sitting in the same position saying "I hate that fckn %@&*#" about 20 times a day.

[Davis]

I'm sorry you are hurting Davis... I know your friends mean well, but I know I had to ask mine to stop bringing him up to me. You don't need to have them remind you of her. And remember, you got the better end of the deal, you got rid of a cheater... And as many say on here, you have no idea if they are happy or not... for all you know, he's just using her to drive her car But remember once a cheater, always a cheater (for the most part, there are a few who learn) and he will be sitting in the same position saying "I hate that fckn %@&*#" about 20 times a day.

 

Thanks for your empathy Guin. I told my friend (again) not to tell me if he sees her or talks to her. He probably didn't think it was a big deal ... kind of ironic or a joke that my ex's guy kinda looks like me and he's driving her car around like I did. He did apologize to me when he realized how it impacted me.

 

I know how she thinks. She doesn't think she's a cheater. She thinks she was unhappy with us, that it wasn't going to work, she found someone "better" and just moved on to him. The fact is that she did this to me twice and cheated on me at least three times. I hear a Leopard doesn't change it's spots, so I hope that's true.

 

You're right. I don't know if they're happy. I think it's a matter of time until she cannot handle emotional intimacy and starts acting out with him. You could be right, he's just using her for her car and the sex! She appears to have a good "package": pretty, owns her business, has a house on the water, has a nice car, wears nice clothes. He probably thinks he won the "prize". Someday he may be saying the same thing I'm saying.

 

Come to think of it probably the only thing I really liked about her was her car!

[Cossette4]

Haha...her car.

 

Seriously though, we have to think logically here...Put yourself in the position of "the new dude" or me in the position of my ex's "new girlfriend." What exactly should be going through their minds when our ex'es approached them immediately after getting out of serious relationships?

 

I know if I were my ex's "new girlfiend," I would be super cautious and slightly creeped out at the prospect of getting involved with a person like this, thinking I was probably the rebound, or perhaps this person is just bad news in general to leave his girlfriend of 5 years in a snap and try to move in together with me.

 

The fact that that "the new dude" and my ex's "new skank" chose to be involved in a relationship with our ex'es says one of two things:

 

1. Our ex'es are lying to them about their recent past. (In which case, sucks for them--they are dating liars).

 

2. "New Dude" and "The Skank" don't care that their partners just ended serious relationships in really disrespectful and shady ways. (In which case, hey, they are perfect for each other. They can both use each other and treat each other like sh*t and manipulate each other until the end of time.)

 

Either way, there's some major character flaws going on here with your ex (as well as my ex) and it's either going to be hilarious when they screw up their new partner's life or hilarious when we realize their new partner is as pathetic as they are.

 

Either way, we are out of it.

 

Yes we are hurt and angry every day, but that's going to eventually go away. Their poor character and bad decision making, however, will stick with them throughout their lives unless they do some major soul searching.

 

It's really easy for our minds to fabricate these amazing happy relationships they are having, but when you factor in all the circumstances surrounding the formation of these relationships, they can't possibly be the type of love-filled, trust-filled relationship we would want for ourselves.

[suchislife]

Rest assured that they have suddenly changed and living a great life with the new person. They have not changed - it can't happen that quickly. You are better off without them. Hurts terribly, I know.

 

Can you tell me what really causes someone to not give closure, etc? I would like to know. I think I know, but every once in a while it still bothers me. It's been a little over 2 months. How can you go from being in contact with someone over a long period of time, to absolutely nothing?

[guin_girl]

Can you tell me what really causes someone to not give closure, etc? I would like to know. I think I know, but every once in a while it still bothers me. It's been a little over 2 months. How can you go from being in contact with someone over a long period of time, to absolutely nothing?

 

That's been the theme of most of my threads... "inside the mind of the disappearing man"... I would love to know too!!

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Davis,

 

There's probably nothing I can say that you don't already know.

 

OK, you're mad. Think about this: what would make you feel better? Does it involve things about yourself? Or things about her? If it's about her. Stop. rethink. What is it that YOU want for YOU?

 

It's good to be mad. Go ahead. Then work on becoming indifferent to her. Anger is just the other side of the coin of love. You're still involved.

 

If you're so hung up on that BMW, why don't you buy one for yourself? My highschool love had a BMW and was a snob. After I broke up with him I happily drove around in car wrecks and felt FREE. What the heck. It's just a car. Beautiful clothes, a BMW, a house on the water,... that's not happiness... Happiness is someone who stands by you when the sun isn't shining and life gets a little rough around the edges. It's intangible but it's not cheap.

[suchislife]

You are right. Someone told me the other day that there are 2 emotions...

 

love and fear - and fear takes many forms.

 

The thought that anger means you're still involved is a very good point. I'm not angry, I just battle the hurt sometimes.

 

Please everyone, help explain nonclosure types - you have at least 3 people on this thread who would like to understand.

[shockandawed]

Make that 4 Such.....

 

Davis,

 

Nothing to add other than I feel for you. As you know, we are pretty much in the same boat. I do have some satisfaction in knowing that my exs new relationship is blowing up quickly. She is miserable and that really doesnt bother me except it does make moving on a little tougher. But I know it is too far gone and I see how screwed up she is. She will jump into something else. She has been running personal ads with fake names for the last few weeks. I am sure the rebound guy is so happy he found her.

 

Hang in there!!

[Davis]

1. Our ex'es are lying to them about their recent past. (In which case, sucks for them--they are dating liars).

 

2. "New Dude" and "The Skank" don't care that their partners just ended serious relationships in really disrespectful and shady ways. (In which case, hey, they are perfect for each other. They can both use each other and treat each other like sh*t and manipulate each other until the end of time.)

 

Either way, there's some major character flaws going on here with your ex (as well as my ex) and it's either going to be hilarious when they screw up their new partner's life or hilarious when we realize their new partner is as pathetic as they are.

 

You think I'm kidding? I wonder now if the car was really the best part of her! Fck it! I'm just gonna buy my own BMW 745!

 

1. No doubt she has lied about me and our situation to her new guy. I'm sure she told him I was "psycho", that's what she told this other guy in her email that I read back around Thanksgiving. She probably told him it's been over for a while, she was unhappy, that I wouldn't leave her alone and that we hadn't had sex in weeks because it "just wasn't like that" anymore. All the same lines she said about her ex previous to me. She is a cheater, so by fact she is a liar.

 

2. I think he would believe her BS, but regardless, he's a player, so I'm sure he could care less; she's pretty, has a nice body, etc. I'm sure he thinks she's a great catch and he won the "prize". He's kind of a loser or derelict too even if he has a really good paying job and plays himself off as mr. cool. I have little doubt she or they will manipulate each other, use, lie and cheat on each other. You're right, they're perfect for each other.

 

3. Yes, there are some major character flaws and serious issues going on with our exes. I've said that about mine many times. Oh, I don't think she needs him to screw up her life, she seems to be doing that fine on her own. I don't know if she will ever realize he's equally as pathetic as her, it all probably appears "normal" and "natural" to her.

 

Given her dysfunctions, I'm sure you're right, either it's not as rosey for them as I think or it won't be for long. You're right, it's not the type of relationship I would want to be in anyway. I had my doubts about her being capable of being in a mature, intimate relationship. Guess I thought I could be "Captain Save-a-Ho" !!

[Independent-1]

First post here.

 

It's been four months for me Davis and I am just now going through the I hate the Fckn B--ch stage. After three years it's one day I love you and the next it is over with no closure at all. After a little investigation I found out she was cheating on me.

 

Wow, three years of my life down the drain with that cheating B--ch. These cheaters will never give you closure so don't expect it at all. Cheaters always make it look like it was your fault the relationship ended to hide their fckup thinking and insecurities.

 

Rock On!

[Davis]

I'm not sure what you guys mean by "closure". Do you mean resolve? What is there to "close" or "resolve" with any of our situations? We basically know most of the answers and we know our exes are pathetic pieces of sh**t with character flaws. What could we or our exes possibly say that would actually make us feel any different or change it?

 

I think because we are good people, we believe that our exes should behave honorably like we would do. You know, tell us they're breaking up with us, cry tears with us, pine away with us, wait a couple of weeks, secretly start seeing someone new to not make us feel so bad. That's not how most people operate these days. As I've said before, welcome to the Bill Clinton era of narcissism where it doesn't matter who you fck over as long as you get what you want at the time. Follow your impulses, get instant gratification, carpe diem. Nice, huh?

 

I think our relationships with our exes are "closed". There is nothing more. As hard as we try (or want) I don't think there's anything to "close" or "resolve". I don't think there's anything we could say to them or they could say to us that would really make a difference. We don't understand. We don't grasp what happened. Based on our own character we can't believe they treated us the way they did. But they did. I think our disbelief of how they acted is just one of the first steps through the grief process. I think the only "closure" is us accepting it is over, putting some time between us and them and moving on with our lives.

[Davis]

Nothing to add other than I feel for you. As you know, we are pretty much in the same boat. I do have some satisfaction in knowing that my exs new relationship is blowing up quickly. She is miserable and that really doesnt bother me except it does make moving on a little tougher. But I know it is too far gone and I see how screwed up she is. She will jump into something else. Hang in there!!

 

Hey Shock! What's up man!? Her relationship is blowing up! You should get some satisfaction from that! She's miserable and that's making it tough for you to move on? I understand you may still have some feelings for her, but she did make her own bed bro and she did screw you over. I wouldn't let that hang me up from moving on.

 

I would be celebrating if I knew my ex's deal with her new guy was blowing up and she was miserable. That would make me a happy guy!! (I know, I'm shallow sometimes). I think you should feel better knowing that your ex really is screwed up and that should make it easier for you to put her behind you!

 

"I am so sure the rebound guy is so happy he found her" Haha! That's kinda funny. You should take some satisfaction in that too! Someone was just saying to me in this thread that instead of me saying "I hate that fckn %#&*#" 20 times a day, someday it will be him probably saying it! Ha! That would be great too! You hang in there too!

[Cossette4]

Yeah I agree with Davis on the "closure" issue....I think "closure" is the word you use to say "my heart is now peacefully at rest with this breakup," but when there's betrayal or disrespect involved, you aren't going to achieve that feeling.

 

In my case, I desperately wanted "closure" so I kept calling and trying to meet with him and get this "closure," but those phone calls and meetings were the times I was the most disrespected and treated like sh:bunny: t, and ironically, I got the complete opposite of the "closure" feeling because I was on my knees begging for it. (Isn't it clever how I replaced the "i" with a jumping bunny? I know. I'm sweet.)

 

As for why people choose to make things "closure-less," I think they are too self-absorbed in their own wants and needs that they aren't even considering doing anything that would help ease our pain or keep our hearts intact. It's all about them so if being a sneak, a coward, a liar will get them out of the situation asap, they will take that route, even if it shatters everything and brings the people they once "loved" more hurt.

 

It'd be interesting to see if they ever regret it though. I mean, we all know that taking the easy way out ends up hurting us in the long run, so I hope that proverb applies to relationships as well.

 

PS--IT'S NOT VALENTINE'S DAY ANYMORE AND NONE OF US DIED!

[the_total_package]

Nothing else to say here, why can't you just move on? She probably just met someone else, sometimes you're in a relationship and someone you're more compatible with comes along. This doesn't make her evil or have character flaws.

I think you have anger issues and this could be why she reached out to another guy, you're clearly not right for each other and she was perceptive enough to see that.

Relationships begin and many of them end. The best way to think of it is it was a chapter in your life that was nice at one time. Now that chapter is over and you can look forward to the next chapter and leave your anger for her behind.

Sorry obviously you are biased against her but I'm not passing judgment that she is necessarily a jerk after reading your rather immature post.

[shockandawed]

Total,

 

Read Davis' story from earlier posts. He has every right to be angry. It's a normal phase of recovery. If you love someone, break up and ride the back and forth rollercoaster, there is going to be anger, especially when cheating is involved. At some point, he will need to forgive her at least in his own head, but right now, he should be p(ssed.

 

Davis,

 

Yep, I actually do relish the fact that her relationship is already falling apart. I just didn't want to look like too much of a prick. LOL!!! I think I am to the point where that is the only reason I want any contact at all with her. To be told how miserable she is and to reconfirm how screwed up she is. Karma Baby!!!

[Davis]

Nothing else to say here, why can't you just move on? She probably just met someone else, sometimes you're in a relationship and someone you're more compatible with comes along. This doesn't make her evil or have character flaws. I think you have anger issues and this could be why she reached out to another guy, you're clearly not right for each other and she was perceptive enough to see that. Relationships begin and many of them end. The best way to think of it is it was a chapter in your life that was nice at one time. Now that chapter is over and you can look forward to the next chapter and leave your anger for her behind. Sorry obviously you are biased against her but I'm not passing judgment that she is necessarily a jerk after reading your rather immature post.

 

Total: Clearly you have no idea about my previous posts and the complete picture. This is the first time I have seen your name on any posts that I've read. My thread is just my latest issue with my breakup and I was trying to get some advice from other members. I wanted some feedback on how other members have handled their post-breakup anger and how I might handle mine and move on. So, to you, it may appear like an "immature post". You can judge it as you like.

 

Oh, she did meet someone else and they may have been more compatible. She may have correctly concluded that we were not right for each other. However, my issue was that she lied to me, went out and got drunk and had sex with this new guy behind my back. This was all prior to telling me she did not want to see me anymore, she was unhappy or broke it off with me.

 

She was having sex with me on Wednesday and two days later she was having sex with him. To me, that is cheating and does show poor character. Moreover, this is the second time she has done this to me. While we were in our committed relationship, she was, as I found out, having sex with yet another guy during Thanksgiving.

 

She reached out to another guy, in part, because I told her I was going to quit drinking. To her that meant that I was going to be no fun, a drag on her partying lifestyle and she would have to look at her own drinking issue, which she would not want to do. She does have issues with binge drinking and her subsequent behavior. She wanted a "drinking buddy" as well as a boyfriend. She surrounds herself with friends that are drinkers and partiers. I know this new guy. He's a partier and a player. Guess she found what she's looking for and that's fine.

 

My issue is the way she handled the situation. I never directed any anger towards her when we were together nor do I have a temper. I treated her very well, which she explained in her Dear John email to me the following week. I never said she was evil, but she does have character flaws. Those flaws are lying, cheating and drinking. I think there's no argument about these behaviors, and you can call it what you wish or chose not to "judge" her which is fine too. I am working on closing that chapter, moving on and leaving my anger behind. That's why I'm on LS.

[oppath]

Nothing else to say here, why can't you just move on? She probably just met someone else, sometimes you're in a relationship and someone you're more compatible with comes along. This doesn't make her evil or have character flaws.

I think you have anger issues and this could be why she reached out to another guy, you're clearly not right for each other and she was perceptive enough to see that.

Relationships begin and many of them end. The best way to think of it is it was a chapter in your life that was nice at one time. Now that chapter is over and you can look forward to the next chapter and leave your anger for her behind.

Sorry obviously you are biased against her but I'm not passing judgment that she is necessarily a jerk after reading your rather immature post.

 

Total_package, I disagree. You don't know you are more compatible with someone, or compatible at all, until you've spent a lot of time with someone (months). You can meet someone you are more compatible with, but you just don't know. Anyone who has a history of cheating, or jumps from guy to guy (or girl to girl) has codependcy issues of some sort. You can meet someone better while in a relationship. If your curiousity is so stoked, it is ok to end a relationship to pursue that curiousity. What is not ok is to lie to your partner about it. It's natural to be curious and attracted to someone during a relationship. Acting on it is wrong unless you break up with your current partner.

 

And yes, people who have a pattern of jumping from person to person do have character flaws. People who cheat and lie have character flaws.

[Davis]

Hey Shock. Thanks. I may forget, but I'm not sure that I will forgive. She lied, deceived, knew what she was doing and purposely followed that plan. To me, forgiveness only is possible when the other person is truly apologetic, remorseful and tries to make some kind of amends. I doubt she has the depth of character needed to go there. It's good you get to relish in the fact that your ex's new relationship failed already! That's bad!! You want contact with her to confirm she's miserable and screwed up! You are a prick!!

 

Oppath. Well said. She lied to me about going out, what she was doing and that she was meeting him. It was all previously planned. She even sent me two text messages saying "I love you" on her way out. She NEVER made any suggestions that she was unhappy or that we were not a good match. We got along well. When I asked her the next day what she had been doing, with who and what was going on, she lied. She wanted to make sure she had him hooked before she bailed on me. She said she had "really" strong chemistry with him. Fine. But it was wrong for her to do what she did.

[Cossette4]

Yeah, it really sucks when they act like they are happy and everything's cool and then after the fact they try to play it off like they were miserable and looking for a way out.

 

My ex flew out to NYC to stay with me for a week, bought me flowers for no reason, talked all lovey-dovey about what our wedding reception would be like with a slideshow of all of our travel pictures, held hands with me while we walked down the streets, blah blah blah.

 

Then I get a phone call 2 weeks later saying he's done...then I find out he told all of our mutual friends, "Oh I was so unhappy. You don't know how hard I've tried to get out of this relationship. She treated me horrible."

 

And when I finally talk to him, it's "Well, I just felt like I was being taken for granted...I thought you didn't even care..."

 

Hey, maybe he really did feel that way but keeping it inside for months and not having the confidence or respect to have a serious talk about what's bothering you with your girlfriend of 5 years and instead you cry on the shoulder of some tramp at work and then feel like she's suddenly the girl you want to be with so you cowardly make the switch......Not Cool.

 

And those "I love you's" they tell us up until the day they decide to split....disgusting.

 

And then I'm left feeling not just betrayed/disrespected, but also feeling icky knowing someone just went through the motions for months and secretly was planning their escape. Niiiiiice.

[Davis]

Nice how they act like nothing is wrong while they're planning on how to get out and blow us out. I think that just confirms that your ex is of poor character too. Now you see the real him. Aren't you at least sorta happy now that you really know who he is? Oh, yes of course Cossette, you were "horrible". Just like I'm sure she's said I was "psycho" and wouldn't leave her alone (which is BS). I haven't had any type of contact with her since I found out she was cheating. Interesting how they can talk to us about almost anything except the relationship. Nice communication skills they possess. That makes for a successful situation. And the "I love you's". Barf. Nice how they try to minimize their own guilt and string us along until they're sure they have someone else.

[oppath]

Some people treat dating like a job, they don't quit their old until they have a new one lined up. Those people, however, are weak. They can't be on their own. Rather than end a relationship as soon as they realize they don't want to be with their partner forever, they wait until someone "better" comes along, this way they still get affection, support, sex, and a steady activity partner and not face loneliness.

 

It's kind of pathetic, really. I don't know, but I suspect my ex did something similar since she had a pattern of dating guy A until she meets B, then dating B until guy C, etc, never taking time for herself. No way each of those guys were more compatible than the next. She just couldn't be on her own, so rather than end a relationship (or not get in one) she would move from one to the next. Eventually she was with a guy for 5 years, but I was always bothered by her pattern of serial monogamy.

 

And when someone says "it was hard for me; I didn't want to hurt your feelings" what they mean is "I'm too much of a coward to reject you straightaways because if I hurt your feelings, I'll be in a situation where you can respond to me and hurt my feelings. I'd rather avoid that until the last possible minute."

 

The thing is, something better can always come along. Each of us can find someone prettier, funnier, smarter, more sweet, or some combination of those things, but COMMITTMENT means you consciously choose to be with the person in your life because you value them and what they add to your life. It's not settling, it's making a choice. If you cease to value your partner or don't feel they add much to your life, the conscious, loving thing to do is set them free.

[Cossette4]

Haha, oh yes, Davis I was also referred to as a "psycho" because after he ended our 5 years relationship with a 5 minute phone call when we were on complete opposite sides of the United States, I <gasp> CALLED HIM AND LEFT VOICE MESSAGES. Oh, the horror of what I true psycho I am!

 

And then....I got called "creepy" because I demanded that we <gasp> see each other face to face and get some closure to our 5 year relationship. Boy, what a huge creepy mc-creep-face I must be for wanting that.

 

Yet, he left an attractive, smart girl with morals for an ugly bisexual highschool dropout skank who he then moved in with after two weeks.

 

Hmm...that sounds a little PSYCHO and CREEPY to me.

[Davis]

they wait until someone "better" comes along, this way they still get affection, support, sex, and a steady activity partner and not face loneliness. It's kind of pathetic, really.

 

The thing is, something better can always come along. Each of us can find someone prettier, funnier, smarter, more sweet, or some combination of those things, but COMMITTMENT means you consciously choose to be with the person in your life because you value them and what they add to your life. It's not settling, it's making a choice.

 

Exactly! It's all of the above and so they will not have to actually deal with feeling lonely. They also get all the excitement of a new relationship. All at our expense! I agree that this makes them pathetic!! I don't want to be crude here, but she was having sex with me one day and with him two days later.... all without a condom! Kind of disgusting.

 

Yep! Of course there are other temptations and attractions. I made a commitment to her that I would be faithful and in a monogamous relationship with her. She was not "perfect" nor am I. She said after the end that I was "settling" for her. Not the case. I made the choice that she was a good person, I valued her, we got along well, had the same interests, etc. She never understood that.

[Davis]

Haha, oh yes, Davis I was also referred to as a "psycho" because after he ended our 5 years relationship with a 5 minute phone call when we were on complete opposite sides of the United States, I <gasp> CALLED HIM AND LEFT VOICE MESSAGES. Oh, the horror of what I true psycho I am! And then....I got called "creepy" because I demanded that we <gasp> see each other face to face and get some closure to our 5 year relationship. Boy, what a huge creepy mc-creep-face I must be for wanting that.

 

Hahaha! LOL! You got me! You PSYCHO! Well, I stopped by her house unannounced several times at the end. That made me psycho even though she told me I was welcome anytime and I could check on her anytime if I had any suspicions or didn't trust her. Funny how that changes when they're guilty. Opps! I called and texted and left rational messages for her to call me cause I didn't know WTF was going on, only that something wasn't right. I have made zero attempts at any contact with her since I found out she was cheating. Fck Cossette! I AM A PSYCHO TOO!

 

"He left an attractive, smart girl with morals for an ugly bisexual highschool dropout skank and moved her in after two weeks". Haha! You're killing me! By the way, you should keep that in mind whenever you feel bad or wonder why he's with her. It doesn't matter, LOOK at WHAT he's with!!!