taylor Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 There is a book by John Gray called "Mars and Venus on a Date." It talks about the 5 stages of dating and how important it is to not skip any of these stages in order to have a healthy successful relationship. It also talks about how relationships get into trouble if one person is in one stage and another person is in (or wants to be in) another stage. I think your girlfriend could gain alot of wisdom and insight by reading this book. (I sure did) It would reinforce what you said in your letter and prove to her that what you are saying makes sense. However, what you say and what the book says may still not make any difference to her because she may be too immature to really understand. It's easy to tell from reading your letter to her that you know what mature love is. Your girlfriend doesn't. She only knows what "fantasy love" is. It will probably be awhile (years!) before she figures out the difference. Your girlfriend is also too immature to recognize a good thing (you) when she has it right in the palm of her hand. I agree with the poster who said if you stay with her you will be babysitting her for a few years. Only you know if you want or can handle that kind of relationship. From the sound of your letter, it doesn't seem like that's what you want at all. Your post caught my attention because I am 22-years-old and my ex-boyfriend was 25 when we started dating. The relationship moved fast, emotionally, we got caught up in the moment, and he started talking about marriage and rings, etc., just a couple months into the relationship. After 5 months, the relationship crashed and burned. He said he realized he got in way over his head, got scared and ran. I did not push him (he's the one that talked so much about marriage), but I did not try to slow things down, either. I wish, now, that I had. How I wish one of us would have had the foresight to THINK about our relationship the way you did in your letter. I would have cherished a letter from him like that and would have been willing to slow our relationship down to a snail's pace and wait forever for him - rather than watch him turn and run like he was afraid of his own shadow. I would have considered myself the luckiest girl in the world to have had a declaration of love like the one you gave your girlfriend just 4.5 months into your relationship. You have wonderful communication skills and I commend you for your desire to work out the problems in your relationship with honest, open communication. It IS the only way to resolve problems. But communication has to be 2-way for it to work. I'm not sure if you are going to be able to make that happen, given your girlfriend's maturity level. Good luck with the talk on Sunday. Please don't let her manipulate you, push you, or make you feel guilty for not moving your relationship to the next level. It will spell disaster. You are the mature one here who is thinking clearly. You need to be the one who controls the pace of this relationship or it will be doomed for sure. I have a feeling if you did give in to her demands and marry her now, she would eventually "wake-up" from her "fantasy" and say, "What am I doing here?" or "This isn't what I thought it would be like" - and bolt, leaving you wondering what the heck happened. (I'm only saying this because this was my experience) One day you will have a very successful relationship and marriage because you know what mature love is and how to do it right. I'm just not so sure she is the one that can make that happen for you.
Author WadeCure Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Another update. It seems that already she's dropped her anger. She's done this in the past before after we've been mad at each other. We just move on with it, she hardly ever apologizes... almost always its me apologizing. She removed the MySpace message from my wall saying "fine then, I guess it's Sunday" and replaced it with some Family Guy clip. She also sent me an eCard telling me she misses me and she wants me to come home. She may not be mad and hurt anymore. But I am, still, and I don't expect to be able to move on from this as we were issues before, because heck -- this actually inspired feelings in me to end the relationship. I want to do the right thing, I don't want to be a jerk to her. But she said to me "lets put it this way, either talk to me now (last night) or Sunday." I'm going to give her what she wished for. No contact whatsoever until Sunday. I want to show her that I'm not one to be bullied around, and she needs to be more considerate of my feelings before she says something. I'm afraid of this being the wrong thing to do, of being a jerk. But I want her to know that I'm not going to be bullied and she needs to think about what she says before she says it. If this makes me a jerk... please inform me. I want to do the right thing. I'm just still very mad and hurt.
MotherGooze Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 whoa this reminds me so much of my relationship. I also wrote him a letter similar like yours, telling him how wondeful he is, because he always was doubting my love for him. We got an argument again...*sigh* and I wrote that letter, showing him that we had moved to fast and that we should do things more slowly. He also got upset, and said that it didn't feel right. I'm 23; he's 21. I guess we both need someone more mature, or need to make sure they actually see things so wrong. I would give it some time. After what happened, I let him alone for a while, and then he contacted me, and things were different. We aren't rushing things now; but there are a lot of things we need to work on. hehe, I wish he would send me a letter like that
HGP Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 My only thoughts are that you seem to be basing some of your feelings for her on what your friends say. You mention it several times in the letter. It almost sounds like you were trying to convince yourself that you felt the same way as your friends. Forget what they say. Then evaluate how much you want to be with her.
My Fair Katie Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Four and a half months huh? Dump her, she's nuts. But I disagree with the others, I would have laughed if I ever got a letter like that, but I'm a b1tch. Sorry, I just don't like my men flower-y. I guess I'm the minority there. She sounds like she thrives on drama, no one needs that. Good luck.
quankanne Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 wade, wade … you are NOT being a jerk for standing your ground. Sometimes you've got to do the hard thing because it's the right thing, and in your case, it's not giving in to her demands. It was kind of freaky reading your comments about what she said and posted, then about the e-card telling you she misses you. From where I stand, that's manipulation, plain and simple. Do you really want to live that kind of life with someone who has no respect for others, esp. the guy she claims she wants to build a life with? Granted, she's young and it's possible that with time she'll grow in maturity, but I really don't think that's probable. Cut your losses while you can, even if it means appearing as the bad guy. I want a true mature emotionally close meaningful relationship. and you'll find it, believe me, you will find it. You're a keeper, and the right girl is going to cherish you for who you are. Heck, I'd pay good money for you to give instruction to my husband on how to be romantically eloquent as you! :love: :love: my thought is that every relationship you go through brings you one step closer to the person you're meant to be with. Some of those relationships will bring joy and positive growth, while others (like this one) will be a painful reminder of what not to settle for. Cut your losses so you can be that one step nearer to the woman you're meant to have. q
a4a Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 22 years old........ dating 4.5 months...... run.... run ...... run..... she is not mature enough for marriage. Don't let her "trap" you either with the old " ooopsy I am pregant thing". She wants marriage as a symbol not as a mature life changing challenge.
climbergirl Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 One poster (Island Girl) brought up 'manipulation' quite a few times, and I completely agree....First, the way I see it, your GF forces the marriage issue, forces you to respond with an expectation of getting a proposal ASAP. For her to bring up marriage just to see where you stand (if you love her enough to marry her) then she got her answer from you (a YES). She should have been happy with that, but no, she was angry that it wasn't now. I have to wonder why the rush? And, IMO, her backing off now is just another manipulation (or tactic) because she's now seeing that her previous MO isn't working with you. In all of your posts, her responses to you have been ultimatum after ultimatum, which brings me to RP's post... I get the point, and I'm hoping you do, too. Is this really a person you would want to marry? She's upseting you now after only 4 1/2 months--and I'm telling ya, she sure isn't going to be easier to deal with when/if you get married. I think you've handled everything very well--right down to not responding until Sunday.
bluetuesday Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 wade, wade … you are NOT being a jerk for standing your ground. Sometimes you've got to do the hard thing because it's the right thing, and in your case, it's not giving in to her demands. It was kind of freaky reading your comments about what she said and posted, then about the e-card telling you she misses you. From where I stand, that's manipulation, plain and simple. Do you really want to live that kind of life with someone who has no respect for others, esp. the guy she claims she wants to build a life with? Granted, she's young and it's possible that with time she'll grow in maturity, but I really don't think that's probable. Cut your losses while you can, even if it means appearing as the bad guy. I want a true mature emotionally close meaningful relationship. and you'll find it, believe me, you will find it. You're a keeper, and the right girl is going to cherish you for who you are. Heck, I'd pay good money for you to give instruction to my husband on how to be romantically eloquent as you! :love: :love: my thought is that every relationship you go through brings you one step closer to the person you're meant to be with. Some of those relationships will bring joy and positive growth, while others (like this one) will be a painful reminder of what not to settle for. Cut your losses so you can be that one step nearer to the woman you're meant to have. q perfect. perfect. this is what i want to say too. wade, do you have any evidence that if you patch over your hurt, when this woman is challenged again (as she will be throughout her life) she won't turn and bite you on the ass again? have you seen any signs of genuine growth? telling you 'i miss you' is nice, but it also shows you that YOU being hurt wasn't enough to bring her around. it wasn't until SHE started to feel the pinch that she let up a little. she can't see things from your point of view. a life with someone like that is a bad choice which will bring you much more hurt than you've felt these past few days over a much longer period of time. quank is right. there is a big lesson for you here in how not to settle for someone who isn't right for you in the big ways that matter. please keep posting whenever you need a friend.
the_total_package Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Don't let her "trap" you either with the old " ooopsy I am pregant thing". She is manipulative as you have written, I wouldn't put it past her to forget her pill, why wouldn't she resort to this? Seriously if you're not already, if you end up 'working things out' and 'staying together', insist on using condoms from now on. Personally I agree with everyone who says end it now. I would actually wait until AFTER Sunday for a talk, give her another day or two to worry.
Island Girl Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 You aren't being a jerk by waiting. She gave you an ultimatum hoping you'd panic over the possible loss of her and the relationship. She thought for sure that you'd talk to her immediately. And she'd have lost respect for you if you had. So you chose the other option in the ultimatum - Sunday. Do you notice how quickly it changed how "f-ing" angry she was?!! You showed her you have a backbone - you not be forced to do what she wishes - so now comes the "lovey-dovey" flip side. It is symptomatic of the same manipulative behavior. Been there, done that. Don't buy into it please. Just realize that she is REALLY looking for something to "fix" her needs - she thinks it is love and marriage -- it isn't. And if she is going to deal with her issues and make changes it isn't going to be while in a relationship and it isn't going to be soon. Sorry but what you are looking for - she is unable to give you. That may be bad news to you now but it can save you tremendous misery. She is immature, rash, disrespectful, manipulating, and insincere. The type of relationship you want (HEALTHY and stable) is not in the cards. The proof is in the way she has handled ALL of this from start to finish. I hope you let us know what happens but try to stay objective when you do talk to her. Try to see her behavior for what it is when she is in front of you. When I was wrapped up like this girl is - and there was a bump in the road - I sometimes would start off saying one thing and completely flip it around during the conversation if I saw that it wasn't working. This should be a big wake up call for you.
Lezbean Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 So Wade, How did Sunday go? Give us an update please.
CaterpillarGirl Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Wade, any update? Did you take her back?
Island Girl Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Hello Wade - What has happened this last week? - Any update? We're curious to see how it all went.
moman Posted February 28, 2007 Posted February 28, 2007 Wade, I'm hoping that you told this girl to pack her bags and depart on the next train. She sounds just like my ex. Not even three months into the relationship, I was "the one" she had waited for in all her 21 years. The pressure was constant, non-stop letters from her about how she wanted to be my bride, the anger and crying when I would ask her to cool it down, and finally it ended with her demand of "marriage or I walk", a cool 15 months into the relationship. I'm guessing you can see how I responded. I hope you do the same - this girl you are writing of does not sound mature or in love. She sounds pressured and in lust.
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