Should I end it? I'm UNBELIEVABLY hurt by her actions

[WadeCure]

This is long and I'm sorry in advance but I'm really hurt.

 

The past couple of days my girlfriend has mentioned marriage incredibly to me. Every single sentence she has stated seems like had marriage in it. We've only been together 4 and a half months. I would change the subject often. I feel like getting married at 4 and a half months is ridiculously early for that type of thing. So she said this to me on a MySpace message:

 

so i dont think you realize that it really hurts my feelings when you just change the subject when i talk about getting married. you could just say no i dont want to or whatever, but what you're diong really really hurts my feelings. i love you so much and i love you enough to give you basically my life, so the least you could do is give me a straight answer

 

Last night about 8pm (before Valentine's Day, I already got her gifts for VD. Unfortunately I'm stuck in another city for business trip so I couldn't be with her for VD) I sent this back to her because she had been bugging me for a response.

 

Hey sweetie,

 

First of all, I’m really sorry for all of the hurt feelings I’ve caused you by not responding directly to what you’ve been saying. I never want to hurt you - that’s my worst nightmare - and I didn’t realize that by not responding to you that I was hurting you. I’m very sorry. Anyway, I promised you a response to what you were saying and this message is that response. I’ve been dodging the question because, simply, I had no idea how to handle it. I realized that I should have handled it with honesty and open communication regardless because I feel a good relationship is based on honesty and open communication. I want to do my part and give you my honest feelings.

 

Every one of my friends know that I’m head over heels in love with you. I’m crazy about you, there’s no denying it. About a week ago I was going to tell you something special someone said about us and our relationship, that someone being White. It really meant a lot to me to hear and I believe what he said to be true. White and I went out to dinner and a movie one night and we talked about a lot of things. I think you remembered this night. Well, White said to me something to the effect of “out of all of the relationships I have seen, I believe you and Melanie have the best relationship and the greatest chance for success.” I believe him. If we take a look at all of the relationships around us, ours is the best, without a doubt. We are two independent people who love each other despite flaws we both share. I don’t need to name names, but you know just as well as I do that there are relationships around us that are unhappy and dependent ones. We are lucky, we have one of the rare ones that aren’t that. Our relationship is wonderful and it is amazing, it is without a doubt the most important thing in my life right now.

 

You have made a lot of not so subtle mentions of marriage. You want to be my Mrs. You can’t imagine how wonderful that makes me feel. I feel very very lucky to be with you. And you know what?

 

I feel the same as you.

 

I want to be with you forever.

 

I want to marry you.

 

There is a natural progression for things. White told me that we had the best relationship he knows, and I’m working hard to maintain that and continue to have our relationship grow into something better each day. I want to go through each step together and continue to develop our relationship until inevitably I will ask you to marry me. I don’t want to leap frog past any step. I feel that other relationships around us leap frogged many important and crucial steps to a successful and happy relationship. I don’t need to name names, you know who they are. Again, our relationship has been a successful and happy one thus far. Our relationship continues to develop better each day. I’m a very guarded person, and you know it – it’s hard for me to let my guard down. If you remember how it was back in September I told you that I was very protective of myself, and it’s true. But there was something special about you. You broke my guard down and I fell very much in love with you. The fact that you were able to do it that quickly is a testament to how wonderful I think you are. Nobody ever has been able to do that. Ever since then almost everyday has been very happy with you. I am looking forward to the infinite happy days ahead of us.

 

One day, inevitably, I will ask you to marry me. It will happen.

 

I want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that when I do ask you to marry me, that it was without pressure – that I 100% come to you out of my own will and ask you to be my wife.

 

So I’m asking only for time and asking for no influence or pressure. Then I guarantee I can give you that satisfaction and ultimately a very happy, loving, and fulfilling lifelong marriage.

 

It’s funny that a Britney Spears song can reflect how I feel right now. Normally it’s Nine Inch Nails. But hey… you know… what can I say lol ^-^. But here comes the lyrics to that:

 

 

Sometimes

----

You tell me you're in love with me

Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me

It's not that I don't want to stay

But every time you come too close I move away

 

 

I wanna believe in everything that you say

'Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There's things about me you just have to know

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

 

I don't wanna be so shy

Every time that I'm alone I wonder why

Hope that you will wait for me

You'll see that you're the only one for me

 

 

I wanna believe in everything that you say

'Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There's things about me you just have to know

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you righ

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

 

Just hang around and you'll see

There's nowhere I'd rather be

If you love me, trust in me

The way that I trust in you

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

----

 

 

I love you, more than you could ever imagine.

 

- Me

 

Last night she said this:

 

Part One:

 

well, right now, im not sure how i feel about your response. ill think about it and reply when i get home later.

 

Part Two (she gets home):

 

im still not 100% sure how I feel about your response. ive re read it and still im not sure how it sits with me. i think its something i need to think about. I'm not so sure thats what I wanted to hear.

 

About an hour and a half ago we talked on the phone. It's very awkward. She says "I'm trying to decide if I'm mad at you, I am not sure." I said "you can feel however you choose to, all I can do is be honest." Then seems like an eternity of awkward silence and then she says "well I have to go get ready for the doctor."

 

In her voice she sounded really upset the entire time.

 

Well I now know if she's upset. She says this just now:

 

...........

 

just because i think valentines day is a stupid holiday and think its rediculous to go all out for it

 

doesn't change the fact that i am a girl and im programmed to like these things deep down and want a little romance.

 

but what do I get?

 

an email saying you dont want to marry me right now because apparently our relationship isn't to that level.

 

happy (F-Word, I censored it)ing valentines day to you too

 

I'm UNBELIEVABLY hurt by this. I am crying right now as I type. I'm seriously considering ending it right now. You can research my past posts to see where else she's been immature, about moving in with me. I just don't know if I can continue this after that.

 

What should I do?

[quankanne]

not to be rude, but HOW old is she? because frankly, a mature woman would have found your letter honest and open and hopeful, and would have understood what you were saying.

 

apparently, you are not reading her mind nor are you following some checklist for romance she's dreamed up – my guess is that Valentine's Day means a marriage proposal, or something, which is way out of line. Especially since you've only been dating a few months.

 

as much as it hurts you, dry your tears and don't waste anymore grief over her childish behavior. If you've already gotten her gift, give/send it to her and don't do anything more. The way I see it, the ball is in her court, and she needs to seriously think things over, especially her behavior of you, before returning the volley.

 

at some point, the two of you are going to need to have a serious discussion about y'alls expectations of your relationship, though I think your letter says it all, on your end of things.

 

maybe this isn't the girl you need to be with if she can't be more mature in her outlook, you know?

 

or maybe I'm just a silly old woman who finds your letter damned romantic in its maturity.

 

either way, hugs to you today, and don't beat yourself up anymore. You're actually a pretty decent guy to have penned a letter like that, and men like you are hard to come by ... I hope she realizes this and rethinks her behavior.

 

q

[WadeCure]

To answer your question. She's 22 and I'm 25.

[quankanne]

upon second thought, wade, I think I've got to change the last part of that last post to, "She's a silly little twit who doesn't realize how good she has it. Because I guaran-damn-tee, there's a woman out there who understand exactly what you mean in your post, and loves you all the more for your mature and hopeful outlook of your relationship with her."

 

and that woman, whoever she may be, is one damned lucky gal, because I'd kill to have my husband write letters like that.

 

more hugs,

q

[Cossette4]

Call me crazy, but she sounds.....crazy.

 

Why is she freaking out about marriage after 4 months, especially when she is only 22? Is there something in her past that is making her desperate for committment? Your letter seemed really nice and realistic, and she sounds like she's living in some twisted one-sided fantasy land where you need to read her mind and agree with her at all times.

 

You need to let her know she's being incredibly irrational and take it from there. I don't know if I would immediately break up with her b/c she sounds kind of unstable to be broken up with at the moment...

[Star Gazer]

I totally don't understand her reaction. It's as though the two of you are having two completely different conversations.

 

I don't understand what led up to your letter in the first place. Was she asking whether or not you see yourself getting married EVER (as in, to ANYONE)? I can understand the rush to get the answer to that question. I wouldn't want to continue to date someone who adamantly never ever ever ever wanted to get married. KWIM?

 

On the other hand, if she was asking whether or not you want to marry HER and marry her RIGHT NOW, she's off her rocker.

 

Even assuming how crazy she is in that regard, your response was WONDERFUL. I actually would have thought that receiving that sort of letter/message would be the DREAM Valentine's Day "gift" - it's an absolute declaration of your love for her and a promise of your commitment to continue on the path you're on. Most people don't have that level of security in their relationships, and you were giving her just that.

 

I don't know WTF she was expecting out of you to get so angry. I can only assume she was expecting some sort of cliched proposal or something - and at four months, that expectation is just ludicrous.

 

I don't know what to advise you to do now...

 

Are you seriously in love with this girl, after only dating for four months? Can you seriously not imagine your life without her? It's been FOUR MONTHS. And all those things your friend White said about you having the best relationship, blah blah blah, clearly is evidence that people on the outside don't know a damn thing about what's going on on the inside of a relationship. Her reaction is proof that things AREN'T good, that you're both way in over your head.

 

I agree with Q, that you two need to have a serious conversation about your expectations of your relationship - both as to your CURRENT relationship and what you'd hope for the future (and when). However, I think your letter makes it clear from your side how you feel about these issues, so you just need to figure out what she's expecting and see if you can reach a common ground.

 

Seriously, that was the best letter ever to explain how you feel at this juncture.

[the_total_package]

You are such a wonderful man, she is wrong to have been talking about marriage after 4 1/2 months. You wrote the most amazing, wonderful response which shows you are very loving and devoted to this woman and she treated you like this? She was obviously thinking you were going to propose to her today with an engagement ring, and was talking about the marriage quite a bit to manipulate you into doing that.

She should be at home crying with happiness that she acted the way she did (bringing up marriage all the time), and still got such a wonderful Valentine's Day as that myspace page message.

I wish you were 10 years older, I would love to be in a relationship with a wonderful man like you.

I am not sure this woman really is in love with you; she has been playing a role, she really wants the wedding, NOT the love of a man. She doesn't love you, she loves the idea of being married.

What she has done, well, I would totally back off from her at this point, she doesn't deserve your time. I don't blame you for considering ending things with her after she wrote that horrible, horrible message to you.

[Speedo]

We all read your letter from outside the situation and I think we all have interepreted it correctly. As an earlier poster said, a mature woman looking for marriage would have gobbled that one up. (I may need to steal a couple of paragraphs..) But unfortunetly, she was looking for one specific thing out of the letter and didn't get it. Here's the problem. Even though the letter seems pretty clear to me, it is still an email, which is the worst form of communication possible. I've been in email fights before where we both "thought" we understood what was said, but the real meaning was entirely different. It will take for you to speak to her in person for you to really understand why she is so angry. Don't assume that it's because she want's to get married now. It very well may be, but she also may have just misinterepreted what you really meant. You need to ask her specifically why she got so angry. I'm sure this must be a shocker for you to get that sort of response after such a heartfelt and well-intentioned letter. I understand and have been there. But none of us here can tell you what she's thinking. You need to find it out through talking to her. Let us know why it is that she is so upset and then we can hammer it out from there.

[quankanne]

Don't assume that it's because she wants to get married now. It very well may be, but she also may have just misinterepreted what you really meant.

 

I dunno, Speedo – his letter is pretty honest and upfront about his intentions, that he cares for and wants a future with her but needs for the relationship to progress naturally, not in a forced manner. And I think that's what has her in a snit right now: she was expecting a proposal and/or a ring. Period.

 

otherwise, her response would have been much, much different ...

[WadeCure]

Small update.

 

Someone asked why she's going to the doctor: because she's having TMJ pain. (ie jaw joint pain)

 

She's been coaxing me for a response for the past two hours. I forgot to mention that right after she sent the hateful MySpace message she said on a cell phone text message "I just posted a message to your MySpace."

 

At 4:45 she sent another text message "have nothing to say?"

 

I have decided to shut the cell phone off. I am not talking to her whatsoever tonight. If that's the wrong thing to do, someone tell me. I can't talk to her face to face because I'm on a business trip. But she's infuriated me. I'm really hurt.

[Dubb]

I went out with 2 girls that had TMJ. Guess what? They were both bananas! Run man;)

[Arianna72]

Wow!! Had I read a letter like that I would have felt far more than hopeful, I would love to receive a letter like that from a guy. It was an honest, sweet and loving letter and that you got a response like that from her simply blows me away.

 

She is clearly very immature and doesn't fully understand what love is at all. A response like that would cause me to question whether she even loved me at all. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I would definetly lean towards ending the relationship. I don't even know how one would have a conversation with someone who sees things in such a skewed perspective.

[the_total_package]

back off for a while, take the time away from her to think about if this kind of relationship is what you want. I don't know who she thinks she is, she must be getting messages from her grandma or something that you need to propose.

At least you can see her true colors now. She just isn't demonstrating the actions of a woman in love, she is demonstrating manipulation and desperation to have a wedding ring on her finger.

It really is early in the relationship at 4 1/2 months and this Valentine's Day should have been about fun and enjoying the new love you have found.

She is being completely selfish and not thinking of you in a loving way at all.

For some reason I am picturing her as very beautiful physically and she has drawn you in with that, but now her inner ugliness is starting to show.

[quankanne]

the more you post, the more it sounds like some kind of bizarre mindgame she's playing. Prolly the best thing to do is to NOT respond so she gets the idea that you don't play those kinds of games. I know it's not romantic, but then again, neither is her behavior ...

 

the other added benefit of ignoring her is to get your feelings under control so that when/if you DO talk, the anger isn't going to dominate y'alls conversation.

[CaterpillarGirl]

That was a well-thought out letter that you wrote. Although, IMHO, I would not include song lyrics in a letter. That causes the reader to spend way too much time deciphering the meaning of the lyrics rather than focusing on your own words. Her response, on the other hand was not well-thought out and very hurtful. I suppose it was because she was disappointed you weren't ready to propose on the spot. Valentine's Day does weird stuff to people. I think she really is not on the same relationship level as you at this point. Her expectations are completely off from reality. 4 months may be long enough for some couples, but you very thoughtfully explained that you were not at this place yet.

 

When you are more calm, I would suggest talking with her about this. No more emails or text messages. Maybe after you've given her a day or two to think more about your letter and her own response you will both be able to articulate your expectations for your relationship. Or maybe you will find that you aren't interested in continuing the relationship with her.

 

Best wishes to you, either way!

 

-CG

[Lezbean]

Wade,

 

That letter was fantastic. Like all the other posters have said, if a mature woman would have read that she would be thrilled and would have felt secure in your relationship.

 

Four months is MUCH too soon to know if you want to marry someone.

 

Fortunately for you, you are starting to see her true colors.

 

Yes you should be hurt. Her response was meant to hurt your feelings. Do you seriously want to spend your life with someone who pouts and hurts you when she doesn't get her way.

 

Also, posting very personal stuff on your MySpace is wayyyyyy messed up.

 

Honestly, I would reconsider your relationship with her.

 

Best of luck!

[bluetuesday]

dumbfounded. you wrote very eloquently and how this woman could have interpreted that letter in the way she did is worrying, to say the least, for your prospects as a couple.

 

you seem to be in two totally different places emotionally and mentally. you love her, that's clear, so she can't always be like this. but i would be pretty concerned that she could have such an extreme and irrational reaction to a very straightforward, sweet and genuine expression of your feelings.

 

she is not in any way ready for marriage and i would question whether she is mature enough to be in a relationship with someone like you. this isn't a fluke, i'm afraid. she has acted in a totally unacceptable way and she feels justified to have done so. this is a bad sign you cannot ignore.

 

certainly she is immature and she will eventually grow up. but she isn't merely immature. she is also calculating and manipulative and if she doesn't get her own way, she refuses to see your point of view. she won't grow out of all these things. they may soften with maturity, but in my experience selfish young people don't turn into saintly adults overnight. wisdom may come with age, but we're probably talking 20 or 30 years, not 5.

 

i think you are right to cease contact for a day or two. she needs to learn as a start that her actions have consequences. if she threatens to leave you or cannot (or will not) see your point of view when you get the chance to talk face to face, i think you know that continuing the relationship would be unwise at this stage. there may come a time when you are better suited, emotionally, but right now you are leagues ahead of her and whether you want to babysit to see if she obtains some emotional maturity is your call.

 

i am sorry this happened to you.

[Island Girl]

As most of the other posters here have said she is manipulative.

 

I say that from experience of being kinda like her when I was younger.

 

She wanted you to profess how desperate you are for her and that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and get her a ring IMMEDIATELY.

 

Her responses about being angry with what you wrote (which was beautiful, very well thought out, and mature) is ridiculous and as wonderful as you think this girl is - she has SERIOUS issues.

 

If she is ever going to get over them it will be up to her.

 

The only thing you can really do is completely back off (should have stopped communication after she told you happy f-ing Valentines Day).

 

She really owes YOU an apology and unless you draw a hard line you are in serious danger of losing respect in her eyes which is always a bad thing.

 

Do not let her turn it around on you or make it YOUR problem (she'll try) you aren't wrong and weren't wrong to write what you did. She should have appreciated what you wrote. Instead it didn't say what she wanted it to (yet another reason you should be pissed off - she shouldn't have preconceived ideas of what you should and shouldn't say UGH) so she got MAD?!! How dare she!

 

You have done nothing wrong she is attempting to manipulate you and in the end MAKE you propose to her or at the very least pour out your heart ot her over and over professing your undying love while kissing her A$$.

 

Just don't do it. Draw a hard line in the sand that you will not be manipulated or controlled and she is going to have to do some serious apologizing herself.

 

Keep in mind that this is behavior from a girlfriend which is a HUGE clue into how she would be as a wife (she'd not "debunk" the old ball and chain theory that's for sure).

 

If I were you this little "event" would have me thinking twice about everything I wrote to her - thinking twice about how well I knew her -- and certainly back me off from wanting to marry her!!

[WadeCure]

She just sent this text message after I sent "I am too angry to talk right now. Give me time and we will talk about this."

 

She replied: "Excuse me? You're angry? How the f*** do you think I feel?"

 

She then put on MySpace message to me:

 

"let me put this way

 

talk now or Sunday"

 

I will not be bullied by her. She will get her wish. Sunday it is.

[WadeCure]

She just now posted on my MySpace a public comment that says "thats fine, I guess I'll talk to you on Sunday." After I logged off MySpace.

 

Oh she's really pushing me to end the relationship. This isn't the first time that this has come up. I've been off and on unhappy for quite some time. I've been looking for a relationship that would develop like a best friendship with someone online that ended in April of last year - that was the closest connection I've ever felt with someone. So far I'm not getting that. I want a true mature emotionally close meaningful relationship.

[Island Girl]

She replied: "Excuse me? You're angry? How the f*** do you think I feel?"

 

 

Good for you for pushing it to Sunday -- but honestly with her response -- which is completely irrational by the way (she is a b-yatch to the Nth degree) I'd make her actually wait until Sunday and then let her know under no uncertain circumstances it is over.

Be forwarned though - she will more than likely change her tune either by then or directly after and tell you some kind of manipulative crap about how she just didn't think you really cared or she got scared by loving you too much -- or some other manipulative crap. I know --- I used to pull this kind of f***ed up crap all the time.

 

You are too level headed to put up with it and DO NOT allow yourself to be manipulated, I beg you! If I can save a guy from the torment I put so many through -- please hear me and let it be you.

 

She has major issues and needs to find herself before she'll be any good to anyone else - including YOU.

[Krytellan]

WadeCure

 

Your post gave me flashbacks from when I was 19. I agree with the others that the letter was well done. I must know, what would you be rescuing her from if you married her? Who does she live with and what is it like for her?

[RecordProducer]

Go to Vegas and marry her! The sooner you marry her the sooner you will realize that she is not the one and you'll be free to date. You'll spend 3 years dating her, 2 years engaged, 5 years married and get divorced with 3 kids. Why all the hassle? Marry her now and in a year you'll be done with the relationship. Quick marriage, quick disappointment, quick annulment.

[the_total_package]

He is really hurting right now and considering the status of his relationship, I don't see how your comments are helpful at all (or funny.)

 

 

 

 

 

Go to Vegas and marry her! The sooner you marry her the sooner you will realize that she is not the one and you'll be free to date. You'll spend 3 years dating her, 2 years engaged, 5 years married and get divorced with 3 kids. Why all the hassle? Marry her now and in a year you'll be done with the relationship. Quick marriage, quick disappointment, quick annulment.

[RecordProducer]

He is really hurting right now and considering the status of his relationship, I don't see how your comments are helpful at all (or funny.)

Nobody died, right? Besides, I wasn't 100% joking. Who are you to judge my posts anyway? I am hurting right now, too, but have retained my sense of humor... or the lack of it.