seductress989 Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Hello everyone, I havent been on this site in a long time and I guess that is a good thing. I finally met a wonderful guy who I could see myself settling down with. There is only one thing that I cannot get out of my head. Last month, my boyfriend of 9 months traveled to a foreign country to visit his family and friends. I found out that one week he stayed with his parents and the next week he stayed with his ex who still happens to be a friend and slept on her couch. He claimed that he has stayed with her before and that nothing happened. He insists that he did nothing wrong and offers to let me call her or email her. Guys Im just wondering if I should believe him or dump him. I love him very much and he treats me like a queen. When he got back from his vacation, he didnt act differently and physically it seemed like he hadnt cheated on me. I dont want to play the fool but I want to get this out of my head. We have discussed this many times and he even said that if I would have traveled with him, we still would have stayed at her place. I would really appreciate any thoughts on this odd situation.
guin_girl Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I can see your dilemma. But I think if he did cheat, he wouldn't have offered up the information to begin with. Let alone tell you that you can call her or email her (which I would not do if I were you). I know that I have a couple of ex's that I could stay with and nothing would be going on. If his demeanor hasn't changed and you do not see an increase in his communication with her, I think you are ok.
Krytellan Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I think that it shows a complete lack of respect for you that he would stay with his ex a week without informing you ahead of time. Whether he cheated or not I think is irrelevant compared to the disrespect he showed you. Hmm... continue this relationship at your own risk. This sort of thing is a character trait, not just an incident.
guin_girl Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I think that it shows a complete lack of respect for you that he would stay with his ex a week without informing you ahead of time. Good point, I wasn't thinking about the fact he told her afterwards... That wouldn't sit well with me now that I ponder that point.
Island Girl Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 See -- here's just me -- he didn't tell me before hand and then offered up the ability to call her so I'd stay mad, lean on the side that he cheated, and make him prove otherwise. How? Well, I guess he'd have to figure it out. ---- Oh and I'd call her and put her on the spot too (you can tell a lot from her demeaner on the phone also if she is aware of the fact he has a girlfriend, etc.
Pyro Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Maybe he did cheat and maybe he did not. You may never know the truth in regards to that, but I think that the main issue here is the fact he covered up the truth from you from the start. He told you one thing and did another. He was probably trying to avoid confrontation or a possible arguement, but that isn't how mature people handle things.
gfto Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 The only two people who know for sure are your boyfriend and his ex, and if something happened, neither of them will ever tell you. You might want to ask yourself a more fundamental question: Do I want to be with someone who crashed at an ex's place? I know what my answer would be!
Wendyrite12 Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Give him the benifit of the doubt. It may not have been the most comforting move on his part but he did tell you and if he wanted to be with her, he probably would, but it seems his attention lies with you. He seems to want to be with you and is treating you well so id give him the benefit. You'll see in time if he's a cheater but unless you actually know he did, you can't punish someone on assumptions. People sometimes do questionable things, you may too some time and you'll want his understanding.
Author seductress989 Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 He told me while it was going on, while he was over there in the other country. He said he has nothing to hide because he didnt do anything wrong. My family who knows him said that I should believe him. And the one thing that helps is that he said he has stayed there before and nothing has happened. I really love this man and he treats me soooo good. His actions and mood didnt change when he got back. He still says I can contact her but I dont want to. I want to trust him. I want to stay with him but I want to get this out of the back of my mind. He did not lie to me about anything because he said that he had nothing to hide. I have talked to a lot of people about this and I know that I could stay with a guy and not do anything. He said that he doesnt believe in cheating and more importantly that if he wanted someone else, he would dump me. I am just wondering how do I move forward and let this go??? I really want to get past this but ever since it happened a month ago, I cant get it out of my head. I cant bring it up to him because it I dont want to start an argument. He looks me right in the eyes and said that he did not cheat on me. What should I do now?
Walk Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I'm going to side step the issue of whether he cheated for a second. You said you don't want to contact the exgf. Maybe you should. Not in an accusing "Did you screw my bf" way, but because here's a person who is still important enough to your bf that he would want to see her during his vacation. Why not call her? I'd want to know who this person was, even if it were a guy, I'd still want to find out who this person was so that I could understand my bf better. Assuming he didn't cheat, then this girl could be one of those rare people who actually has opposite sex friends because she respects them... not just to bolster her ego and play mind games. I'd want to get to know the girl just for that fact alone. How many times do you get the chance to talk to someone like that? I'm just saying.... Either he did or he didn't cheat while with this girl. You won't know for sure either way unless he tells you. I think what might help though is determining comfort levels, and what each of you feel is appropriate or inappropriate while in a relationship. Personally, I feel he crossed the line by staying at her place. I'd equate that to disrespecting the foundation of our relationship. I believe that the "single" behavior stops once the word "monogamous" enters the discussion. And that means asking your SO prior to acting when it involves the opposite sex. He just went and did his own thing, and now is asking you to accept it. That's not very respectful on his part. That'd be like you kicking him in the nuts, and then asking him to just accept it and get over it. Not very mature.
woodyman Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 he cheated.....i would have. Why ?? What sort of sad act person are you for just being so brazen about it ?? Christ not all men are that way, I cant go too deep into this, because I have only ever been with one woman, but I don't understand why he 'just should have'
Author seductress989 Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Hello All, Just to let u know, my bf and I did break up. I myself could not get over the fact that he stayed with his ex while on vacation. I have realized now that it would have never worked out between us and I am very grateful that we did break up. I am moving on with my life and have began dating other people. I'm even starting college again very soon. I'm very excited to embark on a new chapter in my life and Id just like to offer some encouragement to others: staying in a bad relationship will not make YOU happy and that there are other hot people out there just dying to meet you!
norajane Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hello All, Just to let u know, my bf and I did break up. I myself could not get over the fact that he stayed with his ex while on vacation. I have realized now that it would have never worked out between us and I am very grateful that we did break up. I am moving on with my life and have began dating other people. I'm even starting college again very soon. I'm very excited to embark on a new chapter in my life and Id just like to offer some encouragement to others: staying in a bad relationship will not make YOU happy and that there are other hot people out there just dying to meet you! Well, good for you! That's quite a change from a couple of months ago when you were saying how much you loved him and how he treated you soooooo good. Was your relationship really good until this incident, or was it really bad all along? I'm just asking out of curiousity if things had been bad all along but you just didn't see it or want to admit it to yourself, and if this incident brought out the reality of things for you. And, by the way: He looks me right in the eyes and said that he did not cheat on me. I've had someone do this to me and it turned out he was totally cheating. Looking you in the eye and denying is very easy for some people to do, so don't consider that a sign of honesty.
Davis Posted April 18, 2007 Posted April 18, 2007 Hey Seductress! You already broke up with him before I could offer advice! I was going to say a cheater is a liar by nature. My ex was a cheater and a professional liar. A cheater will look you in the eye and lie to your face just like someone who is not cheating will do. Cheaters are, afterall, dishonest people. It's hard to say if your ex was cheating, but it could have been very possible. It certainly showed poor judgement on his part and disrespect to you when he stayed at his ex gf's house. I think you have to follow your intuition, you know, that "gut" feeling that you have. You cannot listen to their words. I think you might have had that gnawing feeling that something wasn't right with him, that's why you couldn't get over it. Well good for you! Glad your new single life is working out for you!!
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