outofdarkness Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Yes of course an affair is wrong. But still.... we are human and we make mistakes -- can't help who we are attracted too. All of the above "code of conduct" is bascially how it was with MM (I think XMM now but never officially ended it) with the exception of D day never arriving. Plus, I know his children and his wife (so do my kids). And I know some very personal details about his wife which aside from finding about our relationship, the type she most definitely would end the marriage over. Why he felt the need to discuss that with me I have no friggin idea. I'm sorry but I don't know how you sleep at night. Are u proud that you know every personal detail about his W? How would you feel if someone that you would not chose to know, knew every intimate detail of your life, including very embarrassing and personal things...AND the person that you trusted more then anyone in the world had told the one who knew... in an intimate relationship. It's really quite a betrayal. I have said before, if I had to choose, I'd choose a short physical fling over a close emotional AND physical A...I still wonder when I go to the Mall during lunch or just to the park, if the W sitting on the chair by the tree is one of my H's exOW's...AND might know what size underwear I wear and what color my hair USED to be...and these are just mild examples. It's the ULTIMATE betrayal...
puddleofmud Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Via this forum we have at times thought that the vast majority of males who are serial cheaters have a "manual" of sorts, being that the behaviors seem so similar. However, having been a member of this forum for a while I see little aspects of that kind of behavior regarding the OW on THIS board... I tend to think that women have different "levels" as OW which are not quite so easily summed as "accross the board" behaviors, attitudes, ideals, etc. However, there is a published book called the "Mistress Manual" that espouses some similar aspects as has the originator of this thread so its not as if someone involved w/ an attached man hasn't thought of any of this previous to now. Historically women have been trained as "court mistresses" or in cultures where there was no birth control it was less dangerous to a woman's health (one could only produce so many children before one's health and well being was severly affected) for a man to have a mistress. I disagree that comparison with larger crimes against humanity equal the same justice towards one who would have an affair with an attached person. I feel that is just a severe/ wide netted point of ridicule in order to assert what is morally correct and not that which is actually "just". Their are even biblical accounts of men having children with other's than their wives. What I would like to see is the table turned: How about a code of "Honour" for married MEN having affairs?
Jinxx Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I'm sorry but I don't know how you sleep at night. Are u proud that you know every personal detail about his W? How would you feel if someone that you would not chose to know, knew every intimate detail of your life, including very embarrassing and personal things...AND the person that you trusted more then anyone in the world had told the one who knew... in an intimate relationship. It's really quite a betrayal. I have said before, if I had to choose, I'd choose a short physical fling over a close emotional AND physical A...I still wonder when I go to the Mall during lunch or just to the park, if the W sitting on the chair by the tree is one of my H's exOW's...AND might know what size underwear I wear and what color my hair USED to be...and these are just mild examples. It's the ULTIMATE betrayal... Well I sleep just fine. He shares things about his personal family life because he trusts me. She is a good woman, a good wife and a good mother. Why they stay married, I don't know.... the history, the security, the friends, family and common interests.... I guess that is reason enough. And of course there is the unconditional love they share. MM and I are pretty much done with the PA, NC at the moment but we do see each other every so often. I consider us friends. I'm sure his wife shares all kinds of personal information about their family life to her friends as well. On the other hand, I know my legally separated husband blabs all kinds of personal things about me. I really don't care.
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 So Guest it seems like you enjoy this Please!!! You say WE like all other women are one... Code of conduct?????? Probably the only code is to stop seeing him, and yes I am a OW struggling to end it. Why the heck would you sleep in thier bed??? that would be a no brainer, why do you need a code for that... Honourable may have been the wrong choice of word. I know what I am doing is wrong, and people are going to be hurt (including myself) but I do distinguish myself from the OWs who DO sleep in the Ws bed, who question MM about every aspect of his life with his W, (so they can ridicule it), who may inveigle themselves into the Ws life, and into his childrens lives, who will be indiscrete (causing other people to know before the W) and who will lie if D Day comes and confuse the W and lead her to question her own sanity. These things are done and even laughed about ( I have read these stories elsewhere) So yes, I am a OW, I am disgraceful, immoral and dishonourable. BUT I do not compound my actions by breaking my own rules. Yes, I am doing this, but I am not going to do it in a way that would heap further pain and humiliation on the W. This doesnt condone what I am doing or make me a better person, I know that, but there must be limits, even for the morally corrupt OW...
PoshPrincess Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Very well said and I agree. Yes there can be a sort of honor in an A. I don't necessarily agree with not talking about the W or family. You would if you were in a legit R so why not? An A can't be compared to a serial killer or child abuse so yes I would call it mundane. I've had my heart broken and compared to those two things a heart break is child's play. Herenow: THere are so many things that can cause suicide, depression, etc that I wouldn't know where to start. Example: Sunshine, cause skin cancer, causes depression, causes suicide. Yes the pain is real but I would love to see the cases where an affair, a discreet and 'honorable' A, is considered abuse. Neglect: probably. If the affair is any other way...he/she is throwing it in the S face then I would call that stupidity if they stay long enough to have it considered abuse. Everyone has varying moral codes, and values. Because one disagrees with another doesn't mean that they are psychopaths. It doesn't mean they have low self-esteem, no values and are immoral. It's all based on what culture your in and what belief system you have for yourself. BTW: common sense says the marriage is going to end up as a divorce 60% of the time. With or WITHOUT an A. Well said to you too, Babybird! I agree. Message to Salicious Crumb: Try not to take the moral high ground. I'm sure most of us OPs thought that at one time. Never say never!!! I considered myself quite a moral person in lots of ways (in fact I still do), but I made a mistake and had an A with a MM. I knew he was married and am obviously not proud of myself for that. I ended up falling head over heals in love with him. I regret the hurt we caused his family and the hurt we caused each other, but I believe you have to take something good out of everything you do - I have learned a hell of a lot from our R and I am hoping he has learned his lesson too and that he is now making more of an effort to make his W happy.
vanilla chai Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 ah vanilla chai, so perfect as to do the right thing all of the time... the prfect blend of sugar and creme... oh but don't forget the tea... that never tastes bitter at all Thats right,I choose to do whats right just like the ow who chooses to sleep with a married man. It's all about choices.
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