NorCalDave Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 So, my ex and I broke up a week ago. We had been dating off and on for two different 5-6 month periods for the past 3 years. I'm 28, she's 48. She ended it because of our age gap, because it makes her insecure, and because she's going through perimenopause and feels guilty that she never feels like sex, and she isn't really the "committing" type. She's never had kids or been married, and neither have I. She's had alcoholism and child abuse and rapes and abortions in her past. And bad codependent relationships. But she looks better physically than any 48 year old (45 when I met her) I've ever seen. Body, face, proportion, symmetry, fit, sexy sexy sexy....and she's the best conversation I have, and we have the same hobbies, and can talk and laugh all night... She's had me under her spell for the past 3 years, ever since I first saw her. Our relationship has gone like this: 1)Lovers. 2)No contact. 3)Friends w/benefits 4)No contact 5)Friends 6)No contact 7)Lovers 9)Friends 10)No contact She will reel me in, and I let myself get reeled in, and then she pushes me away and I let her push me away. I then try to convince her that an age gap relationship like this CAN last, that people do it all the time if they love each other. She tries to stay, then it gets too hard for her and she pushes me away... Currently, for the past 2 days, we've been on #10, no contact. I tried to do the friend thing, but I am way too attracted to her and it would be too painful to hear about her dating anyone else. My biggest thing to overcome though, besides feeling lonely without her in my presence, is worrying about where she is, if she's maybe getting hit on by some guy at the gym, or cutting some handsome guy's hair at her salon, or if she's at the mall and getting hit on, or in the supermarket....it's like this constant worrying that someone else is going to be the lucky guy that gets to settle down with her. I just wish I wasn't so concerned and obsessed with her and the attraction she gets from men. It felt great to parade around with her when we were together, but now I wonder if guys will look at her and start licking their chops....I'm not there to "protect" her from all these horny wolves...ya know? Ugghhh....I wish she were younger or I was older....time can be a curse some time... I was just curious if anyone else has ever had these possessive codependent feelings after a breakup.
MotherGooze Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I had that too in the beginning, but only for a couple of days. You have to let her go; because I think she'll only hurt you more. She has commitment Phobia so it won't work out between you even if you want to. Try and avoid any contact with her for a while. Just for yourself. I'm sure you'll feel better and less attached to her then, being so codependent isn't really healty . You seem very obssessed, could it be that you were a bit too clingy and you scared her away?
ratingsguy Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Your situation is somewhat similar to mine, mainly with regards to age. I'm 31 and my ex is 46. She's had alcoholism and child abuse and rapes and abortions in her past. It sounds to me that just based on the above, she has some serious issues that she still may not have resolved. This could be at the root of your R problems. No matter how great a boyfriend you are, until she's able to deal with those issues, the R will suffer. Our relationship has gone like this: 1)Lovers. 2)No contact. 3)Friends w/benefits 4)No contact 5)Friends 6)No contact 7)Lovers 9)Friends 10)No contact Where is boyfriend/girlfriend in this mix? Maybe she was under the impression that there wasn't a R at all. I then try to convince her that an age gap relationship like this CAN last, that people do it all the time if they love each other. I agree with you. But it is often difficult to convince someone otherwise for a variety of valid reasons. My biggest thing to overcome though, besides feeling lonely without her in my presence, is worrying about where she is, if she's maybe getting hit on by some guy at the gym, or cutting some handsome guy's hair at her salon, or if she's at the mall and getting hit on, or in the supermarket....it's like this constant worrying that someone else is going to be the lucky guy that gets to settle down with her. I'm so with you brother, but as difficult as it sounds, you can't think that way. In fact, just based on what I'm reading, you need to have a heart to heart with her... tell her what you're feeling and hear what she's feeling, and if you can't come to a resolution, go NC for a long time. Move on, and if she comes back after several months, you may be both better prepared for each other... or at least better prepared to potentially be just friends after the romantic feelings have dissipated. Ugghhh....I wish she were younger or I was older....time can be a curse some time... Again, I totally know where you're coming from. I saw a picture of when my ex was 16 and it broke my heart. Mainly because it reminded me that she was once my age, but sadly I can't turn back the clock. Kind of hard to explain. Good luck to you.
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I know that no contact is best now. I know I need to let these obsessive feelings go. I am going to drop off a card for her at her work, even though we haven't spoke in a couple days...I hate this Valentine's day crap. Every time we've gone no contact in the past, we always end up meeting up and we are so happy to see each other that we jump right in....maybe that won't be the case next time, we'll see.... ...It's just that every time we break up, it's not because someone cheated, or anything like that, it's just that we're 20 years apart and that's hard for her to deal with! My plan is to just take care of myself, and maybe we can reconnect in the future, or maybe I'll meet someone else better. I just wish she weren't so insecure with the age gap. Age is nothing to me, as long as you have love and good intentions and are willing to commit.
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