canuck01 Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Before I explain my situation let me tell you all a little bit about myself. I had a normal childhood, middle class familly and all. There were no problems until i reached the age of 13. It was a friday night, the day we just finished school for summer vacation. My mother would always make us a special supper for the occasion. But as she was serving the supper, she suddenly collasped on the floor. She suffered a massive stroke that she has never recovered from. I remember seeing her lying on the floor then the next thing I remember is starting school again 2 months later. Being the very sensitive person I am, this event hurt me very very deeply and I chose to shut myself off from the rest of the world. I told myself that never again I will feel that pain again. So I decided to put up barriers to keep the people I love at bay. I did this with my last girlfriend who I went out with for 6 years... and guess what.. I still hurt. She was my best friend....my soulmate and she loved me with all her heart. She is a sensitive person also and loved me with all her heart. As much as I loved her dearly, I could not fully open myself up to her. She knew what happened to me but it seemed she did not truly understand what I went throught. She tried her best to support me and help me... but I was blind...numb.... I used alchool to numb the pain when it was to much as I didn't want to be hurt again. Finally last august, she confronted me and told me I should move out cause I really had to deal with my problems and she the same. At first she called often and came to see me to see if I was allright. And at christmas time she made sure I was not alone. I could see that she still cared for me. But it was at this time that everything started falling apart. I was no longer busy at school and I really started thinking. She was calling less often and more and more thoughts were churning in my head. Thoughts about my mother, thoughts about how much I loved my ex and the mistakes I made... I was really beating myself up. I restarted school in mid january and I really was not well. On the third day, I woke up and went to class, I don't personnaly remember this, but my good friend said I was like a zombie, like I was in shock. Since I was 13 (I am now 28) I have buried my emotions, shut myself off from the world, pushed people I cared about away for fear of being hurt again. Then, all of a sudden I was feeling things I have not felt in years. It was overwhelming and I guess my body could not keep up... He dragged to see a psychologist and I am very glad he did. I really hit rock bottom. I now realize that there are people that do love me...even after all this time. How they can still love me after I pushed them away so many times is beyond me...but they still do. I feel emotions that I have never felt and even thought they do really hurt, I am somewhat glad to be able to feel them. Sorry for the rant. But I do love my ex with all my heart and only now do I realize this. I know now that I made many mistakes and this must have been very hard on her. She still calls sometimes to see how I am doing and is very proud of me for getting professional help. She said that she has wished to see me do this for a long time. Do I ever have another chance with her?? I have realized so many things in the past month... it has been a total awakening. I am finally ready ready to get rid of the demons that have been haunting me for 15 years. I guess I just want to know what to know what should I do. I love her with all my heart and just want her to be happy...even if it's not with me. How do I handle this situaton??
silentcharon Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 While I have never had to cope with a death of a close loved one, I can certainly relate with the changes you've dealt with after the break up. It happened to me. My ex broke up with me, one of his reasons were that I wasn't there anymore, I wasn't the person he fell in love with- I never wanted to go anywhere with him. It started about two or three years prior to the break up- at the time I didn't realize this, but I stopped going out, preferring to stay holed up in a room upstairs reading a book or painting. Friends and my ex literally had to drag me out to go out and do something. My ex threatened a couple of times, he said he was not happy and I would 'change', but it would only last a couple of months. He finally had it, broke up with me- it was then I realized I did have a problem. I realized that I was just 'there', for lack of better words. I was totally numb- I rarely felt any emotions, happiness or sadness, I was just there. Like a living dead person. I described what it was like to my ex's mom, who I still remain close to even now, she convinced me to go for help. I never sought for help before my ex broke up was because that I didn't think I had a problem, because I wasn't drinking or doing drugs, or god forbid, cutting myself. I went for help anyway and got diagnosed with clinical depression. It was then I figured out that I was depressed for the last few years and I didn't even know it. I tried for months to tell my ex that it wasn't really me there, and in between that, I was dealing with overwhelming emotions that I never felt for ages. It was very difficult for me- in combination of seeing a therapist as well as trying different meds out, I literally went insane for periods of times, going to extreme lows to extreme highs. I too, am somewhat glad I can feel emotions now, but it was a very painful process of relearning everything all over again. I am a very different person than I was a year ago, a lot more like the old me now. My ex's issue was that he was afraid that if he took me back, I would only 'change' for a 'couple of months'. It's been more than a year now, and I have changed for the better, I did it for myself, and I don't intend to change back to what I was, my ex sees that now. He told me that I'm the person that he fell in love with eight years ago, the question that remains now, (because of other dramas that has happened in the last few months) where do we begin to pick up the pieces? We don't know. Yes, in your case, you have a chance with her, but please, please use this time to focus on yourself. You have to change only because you want to, not to get her back. She will pick this up right away, like my ex did and refuse. It took me a while to learn that I had to do it for myself, then a while after that for my ex to really notice the changes, and figure out that I'm for real this time. It may take a very long time, but who knows, if you do this right, even if you don't get her back, you'll come out of this a better person. Keep going for professional help- get yourself back on track again! Stop going to her, she had to deal with your BS for a very long time, she also needs the space right now to get herself back on track as well. When she's ready, she'll come to you. Hang in there, keep coming here if you need support- we're all here for you!
MotherGooze Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I also can relate to this story a lot. I lost my first love. He commited suicide one week after I broke up with him because i couldn't handle his drugaddiction. It took me years to get over it... actually I still have problems; but I'm getting there. What I'm trying to say is that when I met my current boyfriend, I just fell madly in love with him. At first it was really hard for me to get close to him emotionally and that almost ruined my relationship. Now I really try and even though it's hard sometimes I enjoy it that he actually is part of my life now and not an outsider like all the rest. Hang in there. Go the therapy, I do that too, and it helps. Give yourself some time alone now. Make sure you make the changes you want for YOU!! Enjoy this time for yourself; it'll be hard in the beginning but you'll learn to at least enjoy it a bit. Believe in yourself.
Guest Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Wow..this sounds familiar. Sort of. Please do go get a great therapist..someone you can trust and have a connection with. Medication and therapy (and hard work) is the key to the light at the end of the tunnel. I think everyone would agree here that it does in fact get better. I'm in the tunnel right now..just burrowing my way to the other end and slowly I'm getting better. I hope you get all the help you deserve and feel like the great person that you were meant to be. Best of luck! Chad
Author canuck01 Posted February 27, 2007 Author Posted February 27, 2007 Thank you for your support guys... It helps a great deal to know that i'm not the only one to have lived throught such an ordeal. I am seeing a professional once a week and have started working out. I go to the gym 4 times a week and it has helped me alot. I just wish that I would have realized this earlier... and I tell myself that everyday. I know that beating oneself up about the past is useless and just fills me up with negative energy but I can't help it...Maybe it was because she gave me so many chances and warnings and I refused to see them. I hope that i'm on the road to recovery... I know that I should see this day as the first day of the rest of my life but it's tough. But I want to change....I want to heal for myself... I'm sick of feeling hurt
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