Guest Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I think I dated a narcissist, actually I am pretty sure I did. I mean someone with NPD. The only thing holding me back from being sure, I think, is the pain that might come with realizing I was in a one-sided relationship... So...anyone have any tips for moving past this? Thanks
FallenTree Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Dump the guy! I can't stand people like that...I had several dates with narcissist guys this fall.....after one date, I couldn't deal with anymore.
polywog Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Not only did I date, but I married a Narcissist. And divorced him after 8 years. Good Riddance.
Guest Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Not only did I date, but I married a Narcissist. And divorced him after 8 years. Good Riddance. We broke up almost five months ago. He doesnt display some of the key traits, or maybe I dont want to see them. What makes me pause, is that he was really willing to talk about our relationship, at least it seemed. And he would agree with what we needed to work on, but really only expected me to change. Eventhough he would acknolwedge his part verbally, when the time came to change or own up truly, he would say "I told you I am bad in relationships." I felt like I was always being judged. He would tell me that I was the woman for him, and three months later, tell me I was not. He was so 180 in regard to his feelings for me. I am ashamed an heartbroken that I felt so deeply for this person when I was just an instrument to him. Thing is, I feel like I dont know whether or not he ever really loved me. We met in Las Vegas and, it was m.a.g.i.c.a.l. He moved to my town, to FL all the way from CA three months later. Almost immediately, things changed. He grew critical and stopped looking at me in amazement. It's so incredibly hurtful to think that nothing between us was real or mattered to him...at all. How can I reconcile this within myself. I feel like my mind doesnt want to accept it, it is fighting it. I can feel my denial. Like if I accept it, my mind will crash like a computer. I want to move on and be ok. I dont want to be alone for a long time just getting over this *********. I feel like I have given him enough. You know what is the sickest thing? I still have moments when I want to run back to him and pretend it's ok. Help!
notmakingsense Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 This is one of my favorite posts about Narcissists.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77079/ My last gf was one. Our relationship was all about *her*
CrossRhodes Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Notmakingsense: Thanks for re-posting that link. LucreziaBorgia was on the money with that one I have a slightly different perspective on this question. I had an EA with a co-worker, and I am still in daily contact with her. Now I would describe her as a total narcissist and Lucrezia's list fits very nicely indeed. It has caused me so much pain these last 18 months and most of the time I haven't really been able to understand why I felt so crummy about myself when I was involved with her. The thing is though, I read out the list to my (separated) wife and she said that the list described me! I have to own up to that. I was quite self-absorbed for much of our marriage. I always thought it was my depression. I still think it might have been because I've been so much better lately. It got me thinking though that maybe narcissism is a relative quality? Because my wife, I and my co-worker fit into a little hierarchy, a little chase (if you will) like that scene at the end of My Best Friend's Wedding (with Julia Roberts). Maybe I am a junior narcissist and my co-worker friend is just a slightly bigger narcissist? I guess I'm thinking that way because of another principle I realised many years ago: when we criticise other people, we are usually projecting i.e. we are identifying our own crappy behaviour and we want to reject it. But to avoid rejecting ourselves, we just identify the same behaviour in someone else and become self-righteous I've always felt that my "relationship" with my co-worker was one-sided. The phrase "unrequited love" captures the idea, but narcissism always rings truer to me. I've been so patient with her, but I need her out of my life. I'll miss her yet I'll be so much happier without her.
LaughMachine Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 It took a year later after the relationship to see what it truly was. I woulden't label this person a sociopath or a narccisit. But this person lacked alot of empathy as a person which made the relationship kind of like the twighlight zone. Man people are weird
underpants Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 If I had to hazzard a guess about my ex. Yes, I found myself reading all of that Sam Somebody's explanations, as well as other NPD sites about this guy. For a time I even tested theorys since he was offering the contact. I once said "Please don't come over, because it would just break me". He was at my house the next day". My whole relationship with him was just....slight nausea mixed with anxiety. Not love. Any attempt to reason, communicate, was only met with lecture on how I should behave, believe, remember and feel. What a piece of work. People tried to warn me, but when you are emotionally involved you try to justify the relationship and your attraction to it in the first place...ahh that has to be something known to these folks. Someone once asked me "If he treats you so bad, why do you stay?" My quiet answer was...'I guess he is the best I can do.' Now why would love ever make you utter that? For months me, as well as friends were like why, why? There is no why, just ....well....nothing. I let myself become involved and the hardest was to be ....not involved any longer. Still hurts sometimes and it is going on a year, but really only about a month or so of no contact. My ex has got to keep me and well, any other ex who will let him on some string for ego purposes. If I can remove myself emotionally it is kind of surreally funny. Maybe the weirdness of it all was the attraction in a way, kind of diving into a mysterious pond, only to find yourself covered in some strange green scum after fighting your way to the shore. I have a list I refer to whenever I feel the urge to ...care. He really disrespected me on so many levels that I still feel ...ashamed and I know it would have only gotten worse. He was and is pretty sick and that is sad. I used to joke about 9 and 1/2 weeks, try 9 and 1/2 months...not really so good. Bottom line is that you feel demeaned, as a person. They have no real grasp of other's feelings....they only understand feelings as a way to manipulate...of course for their benefit..whatever that may be. It is sad, but you cannot fix people, especially those who refuse to see let alone acknowledge their own problems. Just be glad you are done. Be strong and stay done. Gosh knows everyone deserves better.
Jenn07 Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Wow, your post hits home big time for me. I must have the award for the biggest fool on earth because after 19 years of marraige, I am just realizing that my husband is a Narcissist. I knew he had issues, but I never realized there was a name for his personality type/condition. He fits most every catagory. He doesn't know he is one. We started counselling a year and a half into our marraige. He always found something wrong with them and we bounced around from one to another and our problems never got fixed. However, you have to be open to and willing to except help which he never would. Anyone reading this who is in a relationship with this type of person, take it from someone who has tried everything, unless they are willing and non-defensive about getting help, life can and will be a daily struggle. I wish I knew about this condition long ago. Perhaps I would have connected the dots. Now that I have, and after a lot of soul searching, I'm finally getting out.
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2007 Posted March 10, 2007 Yeap, married one and am currently in divorce proceedings. Best way to get over them is to walk away, no contact because they'll try to work you over continuously. Remember that time is your best friend. Get busy doing fun things with people who you enjoy being with. The more positive the person, the better.
underpants Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I used to pimp this site regularly after my break up. It helped me to read others situations and post if I thought it helpful. I obsessed for the first few months trying to figure out why I let myself be so disrespected and how to avoid it in the future. Eventually I had to forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me badly, mutual respect is a very good thing and I believe it can be had. I did obsess over the why's and how could someone do or say such cruel things. I realized that this was just me imposing my morality and ethics on someone who just does not have this filter. There is no deep mystery to solve, just more bad treatment. Once I woke up to this dissapointing fact ...moving on was the only option. I don't really have a recipe to get over someone. It varies with every situation. I do know that you don't want to be involved on any level with someone who is unhealthy for you. Some people are just too selfish, cruel and ugly on the inside to ever enhance the lives of others. This is sad but again, only they can help themselves and then only if they choose to. Usually they just move on to other targets and never do the introspection neccessary to grow and become better people. The layman's defintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Staying in their lives only enables them to inflict more harm onto your psyche and prevents you from gaining the strength and perspective to come out of a bad situation a better, stronger, wiser person. Peace.
soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I feel like I was dating Jekyll and Hyde. There was this really beautiful part of his soul and a really ugly part too. I guess I just really resonated with the good parts and six months later I'm being flooded with the what ifs. What if I am wrong about him, etc. It's so hard for me to accept that I have to completely cut someone out of my life, forever. It just doesnt make sense to me.
Belovely Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I feel like I was dating Jekyll and Hyde. There was this really beautiful part of his soul and a really ugly part too. I guess I just really resonated with the good parts and six months later I'm being flooded with the what ifs. What if I am wrong about him, etc. It's so hard for me to accept that I have to completely cut someone out of my life, forever. It just doesnt make sense to me. Soulseeker- For me it's been about 6months since I last spoke to my ex who displayed a Jekyll & Hyde type personality. We broke up in June but began talking again in August until about September and since then, it's been NC. There was no one that I had connected or felt so comforable with so quickly. It was like a whirlwind for me being that it was my first serious relationship. His charming way, his I love yous, his I want to marry yous...they were all so sweet and exactly what I wanted to hear. Needless to say, I was hooked (It didn't take much as you can see...Naive maybe?). However, the relationship was very hot and cold. It felt like i was walking on eggshells. It felt like the more I gave to him and the relationship, the more he wanted and said it wasn't enough. If it wasn't his way, I would get the silent treatment or this very cold attitude. It made me feel like pure crap, but I continued with the relationship eventhough I felt this way. Why you ask? I have no idea! I loved him and I guess I was in denial. I didn't want to accept that I had fallen in love for the first time with someone who didn't show me the same. I didn't want to accept that his I love yous were lies. I knew what we were capable of and that we could be great together. Even after the breakup, I kept thinking about our potential and what could have been. I began feeling guilty because I thought about the what ifs...what if he had changed and I didn't give him that second chance...what if he really did love me but had a different way of showing it...etc. I placed all the blame on myself. I just couldn't understand how someone could claim to love me so much and want to spend the rest of their lives with me, but in the end drop me so quickly. When I didn't want to get back with him when he wanted and took to long, he found someone else. This someone else happened to be one of my long time friends (we are no longer friends). He proposed about 3 weeks later and married her in Decemeber. After that I began having even more doubts...what if I had give him that second change, he would be making me happy right now...what if I will never find someone I love and connect with so well...etc. But the truth is, do we want someone like that to spend the rest of our lives with? Someone so hot and cold? If my Ex was able to do this now, what is to say he wouldn't do the same once we were completely committed? I've realized that I don't miss him...I miss the person I feel in love with, the person who showed me so much potential. It bothers me that I wasn't able to bring out that potential in him or us, and I guess that's why I stuck around. I kept saying to myself, maybe this time will be different. But after so many "this times", it never did change, and that's why I wouldn't get back with him when he wanted to. I was willing to start off slow to see if he had changed, but again, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted and to hell with what I did. It was always about him and getting his way. I still think about him and the could have beens, but I know that I don't want him, because the person he was in beginning was just an act and that's what I feel in love with. The hard part is coming to terms that the relationship failed. The hard part is accepting that everything he shared with me was a lie. The hardpart is acknowledging that there was nothing else I could have done. The hard part is grasping how he could claim to love me for 2 yrs and then drop me so quickly. But it's no surprise...because the whole relationship was illusion so what would you accept the breakup to be?
Trialbyfire Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I still think about him and the could have beens, but I know that I don't want him, because the person he was in beginning was just an act and that's what I feel in love with. The hard part is coming to terms that the relationship failed. The hard part is accepting that everything he shared with me was a lie. The hardpart is acknowledging that there was nothing else I could have done. The hard part is grasping how he could claim to love me for 2 yrs and then drop me so quickly. But it's no surprise...because the whole relationship was illusion so what would you accept the breakup to be? We all still love the imaginary person because that imaginary person was tailored for our needs in mind. Once you really accept this, you can start letting go and finally, something I learned on LS, forgive yourself for making the mistake and forgive them for being who they really are. With the forgiveness comes complete personal freedom because you've cut all romantic ties and are no longer responsible for them and just, plain don't want them anymore. It's no fun being the beast of burden for anyone.
sb129 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 When I broke up with my exMM last year, he accused ME of having NPD, and I am pretty sure he eventually got over the breakup by being satisfied that it was ME that had the personality disorder, which exonerated him of any blame. Whatever, i don't really care what he thinks of me, it was never that much anyway. After the initial breakup, he emailed me lists of NPD personality traits, and thoughtfully CCd them to my Mum and my best friend, warning them about my evilness. I didn't read any of them, thought he had totally gone off the deep end, thanked god he was out of my life, and moved on. Today, I read LucreziaB's list, and SURPRISE surprise!! Did I see a list of my own personality defects before me? No, but I did see a long list describing my ex's behaviout in our R to a T!!! How ironic!!! I am now in an amazing R with a wonderful guy. We love and respect and look out for eachother in a way my ex was incapable of doing. Reading the list has emphasised that to me too... I am so glad i got out of the R with exMM (who can now be renamed exNPDMM)!!! Funny how things turn out.
Heartache11 Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Belovely, everything you described in your post reminds me of my current situation. I gave him everything and it still wasn't enough. He dropped a 2 & 1/2 year relationship, saying he needed space, we were boring, he had been feeling this way for months, etc. I told him if you do love someone you work through such problems, you don't run away. He never communicated problems with me. And what is he doing now? Getting drunk and high with his friends every night because he thinks they are great people, when they would ignore his phone calls and he would come crying to me. He treated me horribly and after about 6 months, showed his true colors. I fell in love with who he was those first 6 months, and that isn't who he really is. He wouldn't talk about his feelings or say I love you after that. But for some reason, I keep trying to get him back.
soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 "I've realized that I don't miss him...I miss the person I feel in love with, the person who showed me so much potential. It bothers me that I wasn't able to bring out that potential in him or us, and I guess that's why I stuck around." Thanks for saying what I couldnt quite admit to myself. I feel like I wasnt good enough, special enough, etc, to bring out the potential. But, there really isnt anything to bring out, right? It just doesnt go any deepeer? Eventhough it seemed so deep? What a mind f***.
Belovely Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 I feel like I wasnt good enough, special enough, etc, to bring out the potential. But, there really isnt anything to bring out, right? It just doesnt go any deepeer? Eventhough it seemed so deep? What a mind f***. Soulseeker: I think of it this way...If there was anything to bring out, anything I could have done to bring it out, if there was anything deeper, it would have happened and he wouldn't be my Ex. I think we both know that there wasn't anything else to bring out, because we tried. Initially, after my break up in June with my Ex, I battled with the guilt of not trying hard enough and maybe if I had tried a little bit harder or given it one more shot, things would have been better. And that's why I let him back into my life and heart in August when we began talking again. That was my last shot to make sure I didn't have any blame in our break up. I thought if I give him this last shot and see he hasn't changed, then I'll be able to walk away knowing that I tried and in the end it wasn't my fault. He made it seem like everything was my fault and I just couldn't live with that guilt. But in the end, it wasn't me. In the end, he's the one that didn't try hard enough. He's the one that didn't see his or our potential. But, unlike me, he didn't try to bring it out. Instead, when I didn't give him what he wanted when he wanted, which was a relationship again, he moved on with a friend of mine and married her. If he really wanted it, he would have fought as hard as I had fought. I didn't give up on him and I was willing to try again but with baby steps. He wanted instant gratification for himself, not for us. I fought for US and he fought for HIMSELF. I used to fight with that question everyday...had I really given the relationship all I could? I wasn't sure if it was the best thing that I did. But I know now that I did. I gave him and that relationship everything I had in me. I have him everything. I placed him above all else even myself and I fought for him. I fought for the person I knew he could be and that's why every time he gave up and then came crawling back, I tried again. But there is only so much of that before you wisen up. And honestly, if I hadn't found out about him and my supposed friend, I probably would have given him another chance. It's a cruel cycle! I only thank God that I stuck to my guns and said I wanted to take it slow. In the end, I can rest at night knowing we're not together because of him. It's because of his selfishness, not mine! If I had just given into him and said ok we'll start the relationship where we left off, who knows what could have happened. But I know that nothing would have changed in him and he probably would have been with me and her at the same time! By not wanting to take things slow the last time around he showed me that he only still thought about himself and when he married my supposed friend 3 months later, I finally realized that he didn't want me...he wanted anyone! If he wanted me, he would have fought like I had, been patient with me like I had, tried just as hard as I had...But he didn't!
soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Thanks, Belovely. Part of my problem is that I think of him as this really special person who is in touch with all this great stuff in life. Emotional stuff, things that matter to me. I'm having a real hard time not being part of that. He was an amazing poet, etc, and I'm such an unrealistic romantic, I long for his words. Eventhough they are just...words. I hear what you are saying and I agree with you. Did you feel like your ex was a really special person? I need to follow your advice and stop the what ifs. Thank you. Thing is, I dont blame him. We both had our issues. His may have been more inhibitive, but I had my share as well. I cant help but think maybe our timing was just off and it is agonizing to think of it that way. You know?
Belovely Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Of course I thought my Ex was special...he was amazing! The first guy to get me so hooked and he was everything I said I would never date! Ironic right? He was the bad/good guy who knew all the right words to say! He would text me beautiful sayings, sing to me, kiss me so passionately...I was in heaven! He was all I wanted and more on his good days, but when things weren't going his way, he was a cruel person. I'm not saying that I had no blame in our breakup or problems, but I was willing to work through them because I understand that all relationships aren't roses. In your case you may still have a chance with your Ex. As far as I go, there will not be any turning back! He disrespected me in the worst way possible and I would be insane to go back even if things didn't work out in his marriage to my ex-friend. I don't know your circumstances, but the only thing I could tell you is to not put your life on hold waiting around for him. Perhaps the timing wasn't right, but don't close yourself or restrict yourself from meeting other people, because you may be missing out on someone just as great or even better. I'm a firm believer in if things are meant to be, they will work out. But just think about the relationship, what you went through, and make sure that it's worth it. Sometimes we're so blinded by what we thought of the person initially that we can't think past that and we think that our ex is the best we can do. Personally, I won't stand for that, because I know what I have to offer and if he couldn't see our potential and just walked out, then he doesn't deserve anything more from me...of course it took me months to realize this! Again, I don't know what your relationship was like...I am simply expressing what I have gained and am still gaining from my experience in the hopes that it will help!
soulseeker Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Of course I thought my Ex was special...he was amazing! The first guy to get me so hooked and he was everything I said I would never date! Ironic right? He was the bad/good guy who knew all the right words to say! He would text me beautiful sayings, sing to me, kiss me so passionately...I was in heaven! He was all I wanted and more on his good days, but when things weren't going his way, he was a cruel person. I'm not saying that I had no blame in our breakup or problems, but I was willing to work through them because I understand that all relationships aren't roses. In your case you may still have a chance with your Ex. As far as I go, there will not be any turning back! He disrespected me in the worst way possible and I would be insane to go back even if things didn't work out in his marriage to my ex-friend. I don't know your circumstances, but the only thing I could tell you is to not put your life on hold waiting around for him. Perhaps the timing wasn't right, but don't close yourself or restrict yourself from meeting other people, because you may be missing out on someone just as great or even better. I'm a firm believer in if things are meant to be, they will work out. But just think about the relationship, what you went through, and make sure that it's worth it. Sometimes we're so blinded by what we thought of the person initially that we can't think past that and we think that our ex is the best we can do. Personally, I won't stand for that, because I know what I have to offer and if he couldn't see our potential and just walked out, then he doesn't deserve anything more from me...of course it took me months to realize this! Again, I don't know what your relationship was like...I am simply expressing what I have gained and am still gaining from my experience in the hopes that it will help! Everything you said rings true for me. Even the disrespect. Even if he tried to get back with me, I dont know that I could ever trust anything he said. I guess on my bad days/weeks, I need to hear that others have gone through it and moved on. I am blinded by the initial person he seemed to be. Thanks for sharing, you have helped "I know what I have to offer and if he couldn't see our potential and just walked out, then he doesn't deserve anything more from me...of course it took me months to realize this!" I am here sometimes, it's just where I need to stay. Really, thanks.
lindya Posted March 11, 2007 Posted March 11, 2007 Eventhough he would acknolwedge his part verbally, when the time came to change or own up truly, he would say "I told you I am bad in relationships." I felt like I was always being judged. He would tell me that I was the woman for him, and three months later, tell me I was not. He was so 180 in regard to his feelings for me. Lots of people have been there. That stands to reason really, because narcissistic people crave attention so badly that they need to get it from as many sources as they can muster up - and they'll say whatever they think will effectively gather in those sources. I don't know if there's any short cut to recovering from a relationship that seems, in retrospect, so hollow...but I think you have to set yourself goals, and one of the main ones is to not be afraid of getting involved with another narcissist. As long as you fear that happening, I think in some strange way you might find yourself drawn to narcissistic individuals. Maybe a bit of DIY aversion therapy is in order. Identify a narcissistic person who you find sexually unappealing. It could be a politician, game-show host or even just an annoying colleague. Doesn't matter, as long as it's someone whose public persona demonstrates the relevant characteristics. The more you learn to associate narcissistic traits with that individual, the more narcissistic dysfunctionality in general might become an irritating rather than a seductive thing. That way, it loses its power over you. Fades from being the dreadful thing that has crushed all your chances of future happiness, into a set of irritating personality traits that you'll body-swerve whenever you detect them in another person.
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 You know what is the sickest thing? I still have moments when I want to run back to him and pretend it's ok. Help! If he's truly narcissistic then whatever good qualities you saw in him were just your own good qualities being projected back onto you by him. He's a shell. Anything that was good inside him was placed there by you. The reality sucks but denial is much worse. Use it as a tool on what to look for in the future so you can avoid this situation again.
CrossRhodes Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 If he's truly narcissistic then whatever good qualities you saw in him were just your own good qualities being projected back onto you by him. God that hurts to hear. Because I know it's true. I felt like I taught my girl how to make empathic noises. It's like an artificial intelligence program, like "Eliza". Arrrghh, that is such a bleak thought, I can't really think of her that way. I fell in love with a part of her that no longer exists to me.
Bobbie Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 he still causes chaos even though we've been apart for three years, now divorced. Son is now affected, had to take him to a psychologist. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A NARCISSIST- you may be tempted/ attracted/ drawn to them. But you will pay with your health sanity and many years of straightening out the damage they will do in your life. I am very strong with my ex and assertive and in some ways we have a friendship. But that's the best case and I can't stress how awful it still is most of the time. You can't help this man/ woman....can't change them. They can't change themself. If you have a child with them it's a life sentence of pain for you all. And some NPD s are full blown psycopaths too- you'll get hurt maybe killed. i was lucky I could talk my husband out of his domestic violence early in our marriage- but he replaced it with far more sinister emotional and psychological abuse. Which he uses to this day. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
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