candy Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 So, I'm with the BF last week-end, he tells me he's going to a confernece in San Francisco in a few weeks--doesn't ask if I want to go with him, says he thought i'd be bored while he's there (as if! i'm from the northeast, would love to go for a week-end). but he makes the plans and then tells me, yet never has time or money for us to go away. he doesn't ask my opinion or tell me he's thinking of going, just makes the plans. and that's a week-end when he deosn't have his kids, so i don't get to see him 3 week-ends in a row (with the every other week-end custody agreement) . opinions??
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 "Conference" by definition means a business or work related trip. While you might be disappointed that you don't get to tag along, I don't think it's fair for you to be upset with him about it. I travel quite often for work, as do many of the guys I date/have dated. It's not often that someone tags along...
luvtoto Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Candy, maybe you should date someone that isn't so busy...and doesn't have kids. You are clearly not happy.
Topper Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 He might be sitting in on mind numb meeting all date then sit at a dinner of bad chicken and worse company just to make an impression. in the mean time you did all the shopping and the tourist stuff by yourself. You feel lonely in a big romantic city. Your now in the watching TV well rested and ready for some fun with your guy maybe dancing? He says hell no you get upset and he gets up set. You cry. he consoles you But really, the only thing he is thinking about is how the Hell can he get out of another meeting headed up by Larry the dullest man in the world. Beside he has to do his own presentation and he feels like puking! Sounds like a nice romantic weekend doesn't it? This has never happened to me Nope never. I never had to pay her airfair and never had to hear how bad I made her weekend! if you love him at all Stay Home!
Krytellan Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 So, I'm with the BF last week-end, he tells me he's going to a confernece in San Francisco in a few weeks--doesn't ask if I want to go with him, says he thought i'd be bored while he's there (as if! i'm from the northeast, would love to go for a week-end). but he makes the plans and then tells me, yet never has time or money for us to go away. he doesn't ask my opinion or tell me he's thinking of going, just makes the plans. and that's a week-end when he deosn't have his kids, so i don't get to see him 3 week-ends in a row (with the every other week-end custody agreement) . opinions?? tsk, tsk, tsk In my humble opinion, no one should ever expect to go along with someone on a business trip. Never assume that someone wants to mix business and pleasure. My GF travels a lot and wants me to come along whenever I want, but I never asked to go because I didn't think that would be a fair position to put her in. Hell, she just got back from Orlando and Sea World 2 weeks ago (I've never been to either and would have loved to), but it's not my trip, it's hers. If it bothers you, you need to get it out there because if it keeps happening someone's gonna get resentful... no names mentioned.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 candy....I don't know what he is thinking...it may just be nothing. All I can say is I always asked my wife when she was just my gf and while my wife if she wanted to go on my business trips. But I ought to start going to all my business trips by myself from now on since I found out about her screwing around.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Read my post from earlier responding to the babysitter issue....I don't understand why you aren't, after 3 years with this man, spending at least part of the weekend with him when he does have the kids. You make it sound like seeing him is off-limits when he has the kids, when after 3 years the relationship should be serious, his kids are very familiar with you and the importance of you in their dad's lives, and actually you are a part of their lives. On the trip issue...well, yes, he should be wanting to take you with him, frankly, if this is a possibility. You need to have a 'talk' with him about if he has plans to take the relationship to the next level (engagement, living together - don't know what your morals are on living with a guy who has kids or maybe he doesn't want to do that.) Seems like, from these posts, he's not thinking 'serious relationship' with you.....but by now it is not unreasonable for you to expect it to be that your relationship has progressed to a higher level than just 'dating' you which it sounds like he hasn't left that level and maybe doesn't intend to.
Author candy Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Guys, its not a business rtip in that there are meetings or whatever....he's a dr. its just a confernece where all the drs. sit around and hear speeches. i woulnd't be in his way, i would pay for my own ticket, i work....it would just be nice to be asked to go, or if he had discussed it with me beforehand instead of just "announcing" he was going, case closed. so thats 3 week-ends in a row we won't do couple stuff.....yet i'm supposed to compromise all the time and be readily available..not so fair!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 sounds like ur not happy in this relationship...thats what u get when u date a doctor who has kids. i dont think this is about the trip..i mean yeah he could have asked u to go, but maybe he just did feel like maybe u'd be bored. if u feel like this guy isnt making time for u or that ur being treated unfairly than voice ur concerns to him. he's got a serious job and kids he has to see on the weekend, so maybe a guy with less committments would be a better fit for u. it sounds like u want more out of the relationship so maybe u should consider some time apart to sort out ur feelings.
Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Guys, its not a business rtip in that there are meetings or whatever....he's a dr. its just a confernece where all the drs. sit around and hear speeches. I don't understand why you don't consider this a work-related trip. As a physician, it's very important for him to keep up-to-date in changes, improvements, developments, etc. in his field, as well as to meet other colleagues for networking purposes. It sounds to me like you're belittling this "trip" to make it not important in order to justify why you should have been invited. Your BF is a busy man with kids. I don't think your issue is just with the "trip" or with his kids twice a weekend. From what you've explained, I don't think he's doing anything wrong here. It's just that his circumstances are preventing him from meeting your needs/demands of time, attention, etc. I think you need to discuss your needs with him...it might be that he's never going to be able to meet them, or just might not want move you ahead of his career and children as a priority. Talk to him.
Star Gazer Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 ...yet i'm supposed to compromise all the time and be readily available..not so fair! BTW, can you give us examples of this? Does he get mad at you when you're unavailable?
the_total_package Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 your boyfriend has wanted you to warm up and develop a relationship with his kids. His kids are nice about having you around. That is good. You haven't tried to develop a relationship with his kids and the relationship simply isn't going to progress at all because he loves his kids more than anything. If you can't be a part of that, it's not going to be any different. Sorry. This relationship is not going to progress because you resent the kids, you said so straight out. You can't have these demands and expectations of him anymore (going on trips, babysitters, etc.) because he has welcomed you to be a part of his house with the kids and you won't do that. Basically you want him to make you a priority, but his kids are his first priority. You resent his kids however, you admitted this straight out in your other post 'bf has no time for me.' So why should he make efforts to become more serious about you if deep down you admit you resent his kids?
Art_Critic Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 I don't understand why you don't consider this a work-related trip. As a physician, it's very important for him to keep up-to-date in changes, improvements, developments, etc. in his field, as well as to meet other colleagues for networking purposes. It sounds to me like you're belittling this "trip" to make it not important in order to justify why you should have been invited. Your BF is a busy man with kids. I don't think your issue is just with the "trip" or with his kids twice a weekend. From what you've explained, I don't think he's doing anything wrong here. It's just that his circumstances are preventing him from meeting your needs/demands of time, attention, etc. I think you need to discuss your needs with him...it might be that he's never going to be able to meet them, or just might not want move you ahead of his career and children as a priority. Talk to him. I have to agree with SG's whole post here.. verbatim
Author candy Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 examples of my always compromsing and him not...well, for one, my work sked is more casual so I try to be available tos ee him when he's available, fit him into my life. i don't want to be the "doormat" girlfriend, dropping everything when my man comes calling, but if do try to be available, go out late cause he has late work hours, be free Thurs. nights cause he doesn't work Friday..... Stuff like that...so when I ask him if the occasional Sat. or Friday night he can get someone to watch the kids for a few hours while they sleep so we can have dinner or see a movie , isn't compromise supposed to work both ways? and he's not a dr. like hes performing brain surgery, he's a podiatrist. so hes not exactly on call 24 hours a day. i def. like spending time with his kids; that being said, he''s thrilled I don't have kids or want to have any or any ex-husband problems, so why can't he realize what a good thing he has with me and not blow it?i just ask for a LITTLE compromise, just a show of good faith....
Star Gazer Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 examples of my always compromsing and him not...well, for one, my work sked is more casual so I try to be available tos ee him when he's available, fit him into my life. i don't want to be the "doormat" girlfriend, dropping everything when my man comes calling, but if do try to be available, go out late cause he has late work hours, be free Thurs. nights cause he doesn't work Friday..... Stuff like that...so when I ask him if the occasional Sat. or Friday night he can get someone to watch the kids for a few hours while they sleep so we can have dinner or see a movie , isn't compromise supposed to work both ways? and he's not a dr. like hes performing brain surgery, he's a podiatrist. so hes not exactly on call 24 hours a day. i def. like spending time with his kids; that being said, he''s thrilled I don't have kids or want to have any or any ex-husband problems, so why can't he realize what a good thing he has with me and not blow it?i just ask for a LITTLE compromise, just a show of good faith.... There is nothing in this post to even suggest that your BF ASKS you to set time aside for him or gets mad when you're unavailable. You have voluntarily put your life on hold for this man, and you're upset that he hasn't done the same for you. Again, I just don't see how he's doing anything wrong here... your life is all about him, and that's not healthy. And you're STILL belittling his job!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 i agree with stargazer on this one. if u want him to try to compromise u could try to make urself a little more unavailable..giving up some of ur life for ur bf is normal, trying to make urself available only when he is is not. it sounds to me like ur worried if u dont compromise and go around his schedule then ur not going to see him that much. well why dont u conviently be "unavailable" sometime. i know is hard, i tend to make myself to available sometimes but what i've noticed is that when i say i have something else to do, or have other things planned my bf seems disappointed and actually tries to see me on my terms! i think he likes the idea of having to chase me a little bit. maybe that is what ur bf is thinking too. obviously he has a busy life, but if he really does care for u and want to be with u, he'll not only fit u in but he will make sure he sets aside some time to be with u as well.
missdeathwish Posted February 18, 2007 Posted February 18, 2007 I suppose that unless he's going on a pleasure vacation trip, you shouldn't expect him to take you along, or even invite you. I know, it's still tough, because you love him and want to be with him, and see San Fran and all that. In any case, it doesn't seem like he's trying to exclude you deliberately. He probably honestly didn't think it would be fun to have you around... it's not like you'd have much time with him. As a doctor, it's his job to know about new treatments, research, etc. (You may not think being a podiatrist is that important, but ask someone who has chronic foot problems.) Why not try saying, "Honey, I'd like to take a trip somewhere with you... let's visit *insert destination of choice here*"? Bonus if you add, "let's take the kids."
Author candy Posted February 20, 2007 Author Posted February 20, 2007 first, i do not belittle his job! i know its important and he's helping people....my point is, i have friendswho go with their boyfriends all the time on these conferences. they find stuff to do! it would be one thing if we were married or lived together, but being that our time is so limited with his kids and long job hours and other obligations, i would think he wouldn't want to give up our week-end together and look forward to having me with him! that being said, i do believe in "the rules" book, and not a bad idea making myself unavialbale...i just hate the idea of game playing, if i act busy when i'm not. but letting him wonder where i am and seeing i;m NOT always available for him might peak his interest a little. worth a shot! oh, and i do suggest vacations..so far the longest we've gone is a 4 day cruise. but he's busy, money is tight, always an excuse!!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 that being said, i do believe in "the rules" book, and not a bad idea making myself unavialbale...i just hate the idea of game playing, if i act busy when i'm not. but letting him wonder where i am and seeing i;m NOT always available for him might peak his interest a little. worth a shot!! don't act like ur busy..actually find something to keep u busy! do u have any hobbies? working out, going out with friends, reading, shopping? find something to occupy urself so that ur not always ready and willing when ur bf wants u to be. find other stuff in ur life besides him. if he's as busy as u say (being he's a doctor with kids i'm sure he is) than give him his space and find other stuff to do. its kind of a game, but its not. its just showing ur bf u have other stuff in ur life, and that if he wants to see u he's going to have to work a little harder. guys tend to back off and dont make as much of an effort if they think they already have u (i know thats stupid but look who we are dealing with here lol). and the fact that u know couples who go to these things together..well u guys arent them. if theres something i've learned, its dont pattern urself or look at what other couples do. this is about ur relationship. if he doesnt think u should go, then just accept it. it may not even be anything personal, maybe he just doesnt think u'd have a good time. dont push him on the subject.
brokenhart2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Overall, it just doesn't sound like you are in the kind of relationship you really want to be in. You chose to accept seeing him just every other weekend, so you should also accept that life doesn't always go by a set-in-stone schedule. I would think after 3 yrs. that you might be more involved with his kids as well, and not mind being around him when they are around, keeping in mind that you won't get full attention from him at that time either. It appears you are not satisfied with the relationship in many ways, so why stick around? Things will NOT change anytime soon, because being a Dr. and having kids will be the biggest parts of his life for a LONG time. I'm a nursing student, don't have kids, but that alone is enough that I barely squeeze in time for fun myself...I can't imagine all that he's doing and trying to make someone else happy too!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 i agree with brokenhart..honestly 3 years IS a long time to not be more involved in his life. how serious is the relationship? have u guys talked about the possibility of a future, like marriage and children? does he even want this stuff? i think u need someone who can devote more attention to u, so maybe it would be best if u did consider leaving the relationship. sounds like u arent all that happy with this man, and u deserve to be.
Author candy Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 so everyone says be busy, don't just wait for him! then when i am busy (with firends, dad, work, reading, working out) its like well, be with him and his kids..can't give up whole life for him or any man!! bu tplayin ghard to get a little is ok with me
norajane Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Look, you are taking the advice and twisting it around. You have to apply the advice to each situation, and each of your goals. Yes, be busy and have a life of your own, so you don't feel slighted and lonely and bored when he goes away to a conference or isn't available, if your goal is for him not to take you for granted and not to feel bad when he is busy. Yes, if your goal is to be a part of his life, then you do have to spend more time with him when he has his children. Do not see him only when he doesn't have his kids. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
Author candy Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 good advice, norajane--but when i'm not with him, i am busy--maybe not as busy as him, who could be--but i can't spend my weekends with him, and then with him and his kids--that's called marriage, and i don't even have a ring! but spending time together as a couple, having a good sex life and really bonding is all important to me, and i don' think going to a "conference" with his brother is the way to do it best!! (brother same job....) now, how do i get him to see my side of things, instead of just saying "sorry"?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 good advice, norajane--but when i'm not with him, i am busy--maybe not as busy as him, who could be--but i can't spend my weekends with him, and then with him and his kids--that's called marriage, and i don't even have a ring! its not called marriage, its called getting to know ur bfs children and spending time with them. u dont have to be married to do that! maybe the reason he is holding back is because he thinks u dont want to be part of his children's life. and honestly if ur not willing to be, than ur going to miss out on being important to ur bf as well. do u just not like kids? have u ever spent any time with his children at all? u complain that ur bf isnt making an effort, well maybe he senses that u just want him to spend time with u, and u arent willing to integrate urself into any other part of his life. guys are fairly intuitive (although they can be very clueless and dumb as hell also), he so he may be picking up on all this, so he is hesitant to make a committment after 3 years.
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