Nat1980 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 hi there, im new to this but so desperate for some advice i thought i would give it a go. I am 26 and have been dating a recent divorcee for about a year. We met at work and started what you might call an emotional affair - he was extremely unhappy in his relationship and so was i and we found solace in each others company and started confiding in each other. Nothing ever happened other than chatting at work but somehow i still feel guilty about it. He left his wife and told me that he was in love with me. I was worried that he might have left her for me but he assured me that he had been unhappy for years and that he did this for himself and i had just happened to come along at the same time. I proceeded with caution but was very seduced by how he made me feel and the fact that i thought we were perfect for each other. Things quickly went downhill however - we were spending far too much time together and he was starting to feel the loss of his relationship. On top of that he has a small child who he has started to miss and has got to the point where even though he doesnt want to be with his ex, he cant bear to live without his child. I have read several articales, all of which say to give him space and time but im really worried im being used as an emotional pawn -does he actually love me or am i kidding myself, and were all those feelings he felt for me even real? Recently we spent some time apart and he said he was missing me and wanted me in his life but im very weary and also heart broken because i adore him. Does anyone have any advice?
nicki Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Yes, a very difficult situation for everyone involved. I doubt very much he is "using" you. He is more than likely confused, and feeling pulled in many different directions. I've been through a divorce. The guilt associated with disappointing the children is so horrible. I'd rather cut off an arm than hurt my kids like that again....but, of course I knew that the divorce was going to happen -- and needed to in order to ensure the mental health of my family. You and this guy have gone through the exciting romance stage of your relationship. He probably feels refreshed, somewhat healed and his ego has been stroked by you. You feel loved and adored by him..... And now you have to deal with the real life problems that you two have not yet dealt with.....so, be relaxed, ask him to agree to total honesty, and then ask him some questions: (First tell him how you feel about him. How much you love being with him. How great you guys are together. Tell him you are there for him. Tell him you only want what's best for him, and what's best for you two...then, after establishing some "feel good" common ground, ask him, gently: 1. What do you want? How do you feel about your ex wife? 2. Do you want to try to reconcile your marriage? If so, why? (For the kids is NOT a good reason if he no longer loves his ex.) 3. Do you want to get divorced? (He can still have a good relationship with his kids if he does -- so address that.) 4. What do you need from me right now to help you? Basically, you need to find out what kinds of decisions he is trying to make. It's normal to miss your kids and want to be with them more. That doesn't mean he should go back to the marriage. BUT, be prepared for that possibility. Then, you talk to him about where YOU are coming from. Tell him how you feel, what you want to happen, etc... Have a heart to heart conversation. I really wouldn't fight too hard for him at this point. Protect your heart. He's confused. This is why I would only date divorced men. What an emotional headache you are dealing with. But, now that you are, you need to watch out for your own needs so you don't get sucked into this situation. It's okay to care, to help, but the only thing you can control is communicating with him, understanding what he feels and needs, and gauging whether or not this relationship is meeting your needs. So, go talk to him...
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 having an in-depth talk like that is the last thing you should do, unless he initiates it. Dating a guy going through a divorce is not going to be successful, you're going to have to wait about a year after the divorce is said and done to ensure that it could go anywhere. That said, yes, he has divorce issues and whatnot, but if he really loved you and wanted you in his life, he would be treating you better. Don't let the divorce and such and his "issues" be an excuse for his backing off from you. Women too often make excuses for men treating them like crap, when the deep down truth is they're treating you like crap because they're just not that into you. If he was really into you, he'd set his issues aside and really let you know he loved you and wanted to be with you. Of course he's going to tell you he misses you and such, he's getting sex out of the deal. Why would he give that up? He's not committing to you as a real girlfriend, so you should not be giving him your body for sex until he is really your boyfriend. Let this one go. He's just not that into you. I highly suggest reading the book He's Just Not That Into You. It will totally help you move on and addresses what you have posed.
Author Nat1980 Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 thanks so much for your replies, its really helpful to get differing opinions as i am torn myself. We are very honest and open with each other, to the point where sometimes it's hurtful. He does not want to be with his ex but feels that he misses his child so much that whats the point of starting a new life when he will only ever be miserable - he might as well be miserable but with his son at least. I would love to tell him its a mistake and he shouldt compromise himself but i want him to figure it out without my input - i would hate for him to blame me some time in the future for having convinced him to do the wrong thing. Recently i have backed off quite substantially and its been amazing how he has come running - always calling, texting, wondering where i am etc, but i only want to play games to a certain point. With regards to him not being that into me, i questioned it over xmas and asked him - he said he recognised how special i am and how special the relationship is, but that he was feeling numb, not even feeling as excited as he should to see his son and that the only sentiment he really recognised was pain. I decided to leave him alone for a while and after a couple of weeks of talking but not really opening up to him he told me that he really missed me and that my absence made him realise how much he loves me. I want to be so careful because whilst he might not be in the right frame of mind, i am and i know how i feel about this man. I have fought really hard to keep this relationship alive and i really wonder if it is all worth it or if i am deluding myself. Is it always the case that the first relationship post divorce is a rebound thing? Should i trust what he says about his feelings towards me - i dont mean is he lying, but rather does he even know?
the_total_package Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I completely think you should break free from him, and actually tell him "Call me in six months." Because he just is not in a position for a relationship right now with you. I have heard 'don't date a divorced guy until he's been divorced for a year' and I believe it. If you're just looking for a fling or lots of confusion, like you're going through, then OK, do it, but who wants the confusion and pain for yourself? He is looking at you as a source for comfort right now, but you want more than he does, if I were you I seriously would back off totally from him for at LEAST 6 months, let him contact you after he has had more time to heal and resolve his divorce issues. He said he loved you... if he really loves you, he will contact you after he has resolved his issues, if not, then you know his words weren't true.
Recommended Posts