Claireabell Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Where do I start..............................You always think that this will never happen to you, you read about it and think oh never, well it did and desroyed me. I am 30 years old and been married to my husband for nearly 11 years (we have been together since I was 15 (he was 21). We had a really good relationship if not rocky at first however we stood the test of time as all our friends (couples) we were close friends with thought we were the most unlikely to stay together, however we are the only surviving couple. My H was always been det against people whom have affairs he thought very strongly about it and said he would never do anything like this in his life...................but he did. He's always had a soft spot for a W he works with and I have always said why do you talk about her to me, but in the end it was like she was becoming my friend too. I have me her in the past and felt very intimidated by her as she was tall a slim and rather bolshy and big headed. She has worked with my H (not directly as such) for about the last 7 years, however she had herself a bit of a name for sleeping around untill she met her partner of 7 years (married for all but 2). When I found tou she was getting married I thought her why, I knew it wouldnt last and it didnt. D Day was 1st January 07, My H had been going out on a regular basis on his motorbike and this particular day he couldnt wait to get out. Thinking nothing of it I let him go. However he dropped a big bombshell. He left the computor logged on as himself and something drew me to look at his email account. At first nothing but then I found 1 email that was a video of himself (Ill spare you the details) I thought it was a joke untill I saw the email address it was going to, I knew then that he'd been having an affair with the OW at work. I was dying inside my eldest daughter was in a pannik but didnt know why, I just shoved her out of the way and told her to leave me alone. I called his mobile and he wouldnt answer, then I left a voicemail. When I finally got through he admitted it was her and that he loved us both. I made him come home, but stupidly of me he had said to her that everything was going to be ok. He came home and told me it was over between the both of them, but this wasnt the case he had just told her not to contact him. I the went on to find out that he "woke up with a sense of clarity" that morkining that he was going to definatley leave me for a life with this OW. For the next few days we didnt go into work and my mum had the kids but I couldnt get the images out of my mind. I found MSN logs of the intimate conversations that they had and what they were going to do to one another. Not to mention the times I thought he was staying at his mates on a night out and all the time he was with her. It started off as cybersex. He's always talked to the OW online and I didnt like it but un beknown to me 15 months ago the cyber-sex started. He said it was silly really and nothing could come of it as they admitted they were embarrassed however it didnt stop. The OW had to write reports with my H on a regular basis and she started rubbing her leg against his. She then started to plan there 1st kiss and he went on with it. Shortly after (as the OW still married) she booked and paid for a hotel and they spent the night together. This absoloutley mortified me, like I say I only know the intimate details from the MSN logs. I qustioned him about this and he admitted that he was angry with her for doing that because he didnt agree with what she was doing however he still went along with it. I admit our relationship hasnt been a bed of roses for the last couple of years. I havent been myself iv been depressed and thrown all my energy into supporting our local cheerleading group for the sake of our girls. But I also felt unloved, which added to the strain I was under at the time. I was keeping a secret from my H with regard to money and the fact that I was in debt. He knew I was keeping a secret and thought I was having an affair too. Once all this came out I started to be more open but I still felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall, I still felt unloved. Cheerleading took a backseat and I handed down my roll as secretary as I knew it was causing a strain on my marriage, un beknown to me that the other pressure was the fact that he was having to live with the guilt of seeing someone else. After I found out I couldnt stand the thought of him going to work and seeing her. He doesnt work in the same office and they dont have to work closely anymore however it destroyed me everyday. I took the kids to a party 1 wk later where he had to see some of our close friends for the first time and everything was fine we had a good chat and I said I was still worried and he said you have no need to be its definatley over. He told me that he had to make it final so they arranged to meet and he finished it. However at this point I had discovered this web site and his thread and found out that when D Day happened he hadnt finished it and that he lied to me again. On the monday (when the party was on the Wed) he was going to fetch his new helment straight from wk but I had my suspisions. On the tuesday I knew something was still wrong. Then on the weds at the party and he told me it was over it was relief and I cried and told him that I was really worried. However something inside me said there's more. On the thursday night I went onto the computor (after working out his password) and he had said to me that he'd cancelled his email account but he hadnt and I managed to hackinto his webmail. I found out that she had contacted him and he went to see her for about 20 mins on the monday and they arranged to meet on the tuesday. On the tuesday mornining there was another email from her saying I cant wait to see you 1 hour isnt long enough, and the third was on the tuesday afternoon saying that she was a saucy little minx and cant believe that you have managed to lure me into your bed again. After continuing to read the emails from the weds this was when it really started to hit home. He emailed her saying he was sorry for the breakup but that he felt a big loss that hes lost his lover and friend and the next one was from her which was quite bitter. One thing I did forget to mention was the fact that she left her husband for mine and he did feel like he was under pressure to go and see her and in hindsight I think he saw more of her on the weekends than he did me. One sat I wanted to ge shoppin with him for a new outfit for his works do and I stood an cried and felt guilty because I had a go at him because he didnt want to take the kids and that he could get there and back quicker on his own. He went with her and spent all day with her shopping not walking in till about 6pm. Oh god I could go on forever about the whole ordeal because of the amount of stuff I know. however im still worried, its been 6 weeks and our relationship is getting better however I keep going on a downer. I still think they are communicating at work, I have told him if he is ill walk because even if there is no intimacy, how is he going to get over her if he's still confiding in her and not with me. I believe him when he says its over because he's very stubborn once he's made a decision and not to mention the fact that he's starting to be his self again. But I cant help but think that she's still not trying it on. Shes admitted that she will wait for him because she's never loved anyone like the way she love's my H. But shes also said that she doesnt think me and my H will work. Surely something must have been said for her to think like that?? We both agreed to go to Relate but after we found out about the cost I nearly died, just at the moment its not something we can afford. But the problem is my H has no one to talk to, the OW was his best friend and iv said that this can no longer be because its not fair on me. Where do we go from here?? everthime I have a doubt in my mind and I want to talk I always pick the wrong moment when the kids are around. I need him to realise that hes got to be honest with me and that I am here to listen, and that I am his friend but I feel like im going round in circles. what do I do??
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 how is he going to get over her if he's still confiding in her and not with me. He won't. Period. The only way this affair will end is if the two of them go to complete and solid no contact. You said that your H and the OW work at separate workplaces - do they work for the same company though? What is their policy on fraternizing at the workplace? If there are set guidelines, perhaps you would consider exposing the affair to their supervisors - perhaps a dose of cold reality and threat of losing their jobs will break this affair. Perhaps not. I can tell you this though - your H is dug in deep with this OW and nothing short of something drastic like exposure is going to change that. But the problem is my H has no one to talk to, the OW was his best friend and iv said that this can no longer be because its not fair on me. As long as he thinks that OW is his best friend, the marriage is doomed. Your husband has to realize that this marriage has no chance at all as long as OW is in the picture. Right now, he is holding on to whatever he can of her - until he lets that go, and refocuses that energy on working on his problems and working on the marriage - there really is no marriage. You will need to take stronger steps. He is still communicating with the OW because on some level he knows he is getting away with it. He knows you won't really walk. My advice? Go see a divorce lawyer. A good one. Have papers drawn up, and ready to be signed. Sit him down and show him the papers. Let him know that you are serious, and that you will sign those papers and walk away if he has any contact with the OW - and I mean ANY contact.
Author Claireabell Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 He won't. Period. The only way this affair will end is if the two of them go to complete and solid no contact. You said that your H and the OW work at separate workplaces - do they work for the same company though? What is their policy on fraternizing at the workplace? If there are set guidelines, perhaps you would consider exposing the affair to their supervisors - perhaps a dose of cold reality and threat of losing their jobs will break this affair. Perhaps not. I can tell you this though - your H is dug in deep with this OW and nothing short of something drastic like exposure is going to change that. As long as he thinks that OW is his best friend, the marriage is doomed. Your husband has to realize that this marriage has no chance at all as long as OW is in the picture. Right now, he is holding on to whatever he can of her - until he lets that go, and refocuses that energy on working on his problems and working on the marriage - there really is no marriage. You will need to take stronger steps. He is still communicating with the OW because on some level he knows he is getting away with it. He knows you won't really walk. My advice? Go see a divorce lawyer. A good one. Have papers drawn up, and ready to be signed. Sit him down and show him the papers. Let him know that you are serious, and that you will sign those papers and walk away if he has any contact with the OW - and I mean ANY contact. Thank you for your comments. Yes they do work for the same comapny and believe me I have wanted to expose this to the company so many times. However they dont have any policy on this sort of thing but they dont like it and wont have anything to do with it. In fact I cant afford for my husband to lose his job (amongst other reasons) not to mention the fact that it would be my H they would sack not her as she is in a management position. I do feel that my marriage is doomed while ever shes aound, Im constantly tortured by him going to work everyday. Its the fact that he did the dirty and built up a relationship and gaver her everything (even shared the dreams) that I wanted, he says he cant understand why he shyed away from my affection (even though I always gave it to him) and that is what he wants ti re built and get back. I dont want him to be with me just because of the kids, I want him to be with me because he loves me and wants this to work. But I cant help but feel that shes gonna win and get everything she wanted. Shes done this before and gone out with a married man and walked away but my H says hes stubborn and has agreed to the NC appart from work related, he said shes been dumped by me and shes never ever been in this position before always the other way round. Doesnt that tell you the type of person she really is? I once said to my H that all the things shes said to him about "never loving anyone the way I love you" that shes been down that road before and how many other poor losers has she said that to, isnt that giving me husband ideas and false hope?
BeenAround_N_Back Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 It seems your H is still infatuated with this woman. He is outright lying to you. His lies will not stop until you stop allowing it to happen. Either you kick him out or you move out with the kids. how do you expect him to change if everything is still the status quo? Sure you are crying but he is too selfish to really be thinking about your feelings or your kids feelings right now. Cheaters are very selfish people, especially if their feelings are invovled. He is going to lie and lie and lie some more. I am a BS and D day was Feb 23, 2006. Trust me, I still am working out my issues and there are children involved but as much as I will be hurt again if my H cheats again, my moral and intelliegence tells me that I gotta get the heck out of there because I deserve better and I do not need my kids to see this and think that it is OK for their father to be disrespecting their mother and that it's OK. Either way, it is going to be hard road, good luck to you.
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