Zankon Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Here is my question and i need to know what would you do if you were in my shoes: (my ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago - i initiated it) When my ex and I met we were truthful to each other; or so it seemed. When things started getting serious she asked me about my past relationships nad if those girls are still around. I also found her once googling my name, i tought that was pathetic but i let it go. I too asked her about her past and all and I said : "tell me everything right now no matter how bad it is, i care more about the future and who we're gonna become. i rather hear the truth from you than discover it few years from today" so she told me few things and the worst one was her abortion. I didnt care and nothing she could have said wouldve changed my mind. Only 6 months ago I started discovering **** she never mentioned and I also found out that 80% of the stories she told me were fabricated. I confronted her and she confessed she lied because she was afraid I d leave her. Thus I lost all trust... and I wasn't sure it's her that I wanna finish my life with and our relationship deteriorated from there on till we broke up. Upto today she's still asking me to take her back but I just can't. I dont hate her but my heart is shut down and i m so indifferent towards her cuz I felt betrayed. What would you have done?
LakesideDream Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Many people are insecure about their past. Most won't bring it up and hate to be questioned about it. I know that I never bring up my "history" when I am getting to know someone. It always comes up though. Don't be to quick. Dating is a time to learn about each other before taking steps forward into a relationship. "Going Steady" is not the same as being engaged, or married ... or these days as shacking up. Dating is a time of discovery. She may deserve some slack. Of course it's your decision.
Author Zankon Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 - we ve been together for 1.5 years. lived together for 7 months. broke up 3 weeks ago..
MotherGooze Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I would let it rest for now. If you can't find it in your heart to trust her again I understand and then you now need time for yourself. Tell that to her and igniciate NC for awhile. You have to listen to your own feelings. Off course this is bad for her; I think she deserves another change, but you can't change the way you are feeling. Take your time and if you're willing one day to trust her again; you'll know. I was really stupid towards my boyfriend, I made some stupid mistakes. The NC made him miss me and realise that he wanted to give me another chance. Maybe that's what you need....maybe not. She lied to you, and I think she really is a very insecure person. You need to know for yourself if yu want to continue.
taylor Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Zankon, Everybody has a past and there are always parts of a person's past that they'd just as soon bury and never dig back up. It was probably difficult for your girlfriend to discuss her past with you. Admitting the abortion to you was monumental. I don't think her lies were malicious. I think she just wasn't ready to be that open and trusting with you about the most personal aspects of her past life - things that she was perhaps embarrassed or ashamed of. She was probably dreading the day you would ask her about these things. Question: Has she lied to you about other everyday things in the past 1.5 years, ie., about where she has been, who she has been with, what she's been doing, etc.? If the only thing she has lied about are the "skeletons" in the closet, then I think she deserves another chance, too. Perhaps this is an opportunity for both of you to BUILD trust in your relationship. She needs to know you love her unconditionally - that her past won't change the way you feel about her. She needs to know she can trust you completely with the most intimate details of her life. At the same time, you need to know she will not betray you again. She needs to restore your faith and trust in her by being honest and truthful with you in the future. It takes time to build trust and even more time to restore broken trust. Couples deal with trust issues all the time. It's something they work through if they really love each other. I think if you both love each other and don't want to throw 1.5 years away, it's worth the time to try to restore the trust. But like the other posters said, it's your decision. It can be hard to overcome feelings of betrayal and if she has lied to you about other things (?) in the past 1.5 years, you may always wonder if she is being honest with you and you may never be able to trust her again. Without trust, there is no relationship.
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Z, This is practically my situation only I'm the one who lied. I can tell you I did it because I was scared to death he would have left me. I finally came clean because I wanted complete honesty if we were to have a future. He left of course, not because of my past but because of the lies. To him the entire relationship is now a lie. He doesn't trust me. He said he was hurt I didn't have enough faith in him or myself. All I did was make a managable situation unmanagable and hurt the one person I love more than anything. Is that how you feel too? All I can say is it was my fear that stopped me. Not my love for him. I hope this helps in some small way.
Author Zankon Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 That s exactly how I feel. Since I ve discovered her lies, I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. Everytime she'd say 'youre the love of my life' or 'i m glad i caght you' you know love stuff, I think to myself only god knows if she means what she says and only he knows what else she s hiding... paranoid maybe but i couldnt get over it
Author Zankon Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 That s exactly how I feel. Since I ve discovered her lies, I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. Everytime she'd say 'youre the love of my life' or 'i m glad i caght you' you know love stuff, I think to myself only god knows if she means what she says and only he knows what else she s hiding... paranoid maybe but i couldnt get over it
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I understand Z. My EX says the same thing and who can blame him? It cuts me to the core of my soul to hear it but that's his truth and I should consider myself lucky he even told me that. What would you need her to say and/or do to begin earning trust back. Is there anything right now or do you need time? Yes I am picking your brain. I hope you don't mind. I am lost.
Author Zankon Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 Guest: I don't know... it's so hard. I've been feeling this for about 5-6 months before our break up. I tried to fight it with everything I had trying to convince myself that it was an honest mistake although I assured her that her past is none of my business and all I wanted was to build our relationship on a bulletproof foundation -trust. So when she defends herself by saying she was afraid I would leave her, that means she didnt trust me when i gave her my assurance. I swear sometimes I just miss her sooo much but as soon as this trust thing comes back to my mind I feel emotionless for a good couple of days. I'm sorry to break the truth to you but if your ex is like me, there is nothing you can do or say to revive that love. Only time could probably heal it. I loved my ex with everything I've got, but now i think to myself "what's the point" Guest, I m here to help too if you need anything, feel free to ask.
Author Zankon Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 Guest: I don't know... it's so hard. I've been feeling this for about 5-6 months before our break up. I tried to fight it with everything I had trying to convince myself that it was an honest mistake although I assured her that her past is none of my business and all I wanted was to build our relationship on a bulletproof foundation -trust. So when she defends herself by saying she was afraid I would leave her, that means she didnt trust me when i gave her my assurance. I swear sometimes I just miss her sooo much but as soon as this trust thing comes back to my mind I feel emotionless for a good couple of days. I'm sorry to break the truth to you but if your ex is like me, there is nothing you can do or say to revive that love. Only time could probably heal it. I loved my ex with everything I've got, but now i think to myself "what's the point" Guest, I m here to help too if you need anything, feel free to ask.
Guest X Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Z, Our stories are so similar its scary except for being on the opposite end of the spectrum.. I too confessed a few months before the actual breakup. It was like he was trying to work through it during that time and finally decided he couldn't. It's been a month since we had any contact at all. I know it needs to come from him but I worry if I don't touch base so to speak every month or so he will think I've moved on and I don't care. (I'll forward a joke I think he will like, that's all.) Nothing could be further than the truth. At the same time I'm worried by reaching out to him I'm making it worse. This all so confusing whatever side you are on isn't it? Hopefully you might be getting some help too in knowing what your EX may be thinking if she is like me. I really appreciate everything you have to say regardless of what it is. So I thank you again. Please feel free to ask me anything also.
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