HilaryQ Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I originally posted this on "infidelity" but got no replies, I wondered if anyone here can offer advice. Bit of background - in a 20 year relationship, not married, no kids but looked after his daughter until she left home for University.When we first met we were both married, both got divorced and have been together since. Although we have been together for a long time we have some BIG problems, and some have been there for day one. I have repeatedly kicked the relationship around to the point of destruction and I don't know why. Here are some of the worst things I have done. After 2 months together we went to a work meeting and I spent the whole day hanging around with an ex and ignoring my new guy. I kept in touch (by phone) with this ex until my partner made me make a choice - ex or him (I chose him) I refused to make a decision about my divorce and leaving my then husband - keeping new guy hanging on for 4 years until I got another ultimatum. After another 5 years we moved to a new area - great - new start, new friends, so what do I do? Start obsessing about an old friend to the point where our relationship is in danger - this time I stopped myself, but not until a month had passed 6 years later we move again - great new jobs for both of us, he finds out about friend (above) and the relationship disintergrates to the point where he is hitting me, I want to leave because of the violence but as it is my fault I stay and try and work it out. Fast forward 4 years and we are at a stage where we can spend about a week together without him getting angry, we make some new friends and I have an affair with one of them. This time I really did want to leave my partner but the affair ended without him finding out. The other man persuaded me that I should really make it up with my partner and give the relationship another go. Which is what I am doing now. However we talk about splitting up every day. He is hurting and is angry. We fight and argue about half the time. Every time I say I will go so he can live the rest of his life in peace he begs me to stay. I stay because I feel guilty and because I am scared of being alone after all this time. I know I've done wrong - that's not the issue, but what makes me so destructive? I want to be happy but I seem to go out of my way to destroy the relationship every time we get it right. please can anyone help/advise me on how to break this destructive cycle?
elijahBailey Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hilary, hey.. I'm not telling you what you do kay? ... But listen, no woman should have to put up with domestic violence. That's just wrong. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, cuz if you put up with it, you're taking the risk that one day you may be seriously battered. If you're afraid of leaving cuz he'll get violent, call in the cops when you decide to clear your things. No relationship is worth your life, get it? As for the destructive cycle.. I'm in the same boat now. People here are gonna bash you for it, calling you names and all, but tell you what.. I feel for you. Sometimes, much as you tell yourself to do what your head tells you to do, you decide to follow your heart. The problem with the heart is that it's deceiving. You follow it too much, it'll bring you grief. I think some people tend to let their emotions rule their lives and that's where the problems start to come in. I would offer you a solution if I had one, but I don't, cuz like I said, my behavior in my relationship is just as destructive. All I can say is, don't let your emotions overrun your life. Take it easy ok.
Author HilaryQ Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks for your reply - I was expecting to get a real verbal bashing (justifiably), so it was a surprise to get an understanding message to start with. Re violence - He says he won't hit me again, he threatens, but he hasn't hit me for 4 years. Not that it stops being verbal abuse or psychological abuse, but then I brought it upon myself. I just wish he wouldn't threaten to write to tell my Mum all that I've done if I leave him. My Dad died and she's on her own - she doesn't deserve a letter like that. I smiled when I saw in your reply " I would offer you a solution if I had one" - how many times have I said that to my partner. I realy hope that once I understood why I behave like this my bad behaviour will stop, and life will be better. Or maybe I just have to take control. Trouble is once I have reached a point where I think " I shouldn't be thinking this" I've already thought it so it's too late. My partner says he never has to stop himself thinking "wrong" thoughts because he never thinks about anyone else, never fancies anyone else. Don't know if I'll ever get to that state. thanks again
JackJack Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Re violence - He says he won't hit me again, he threatens, but he hasn't hit me for 4 years. Not that it stops being verbal abuse or psychological abuse, but then I brought it upon myself. I just wish he wouldn't threaten to write to tell my Mum all that I've done if I leave him. My Dad died and she's on her own - she doesn't deserve a letter like that. Get out of this NOW, ASAP. He is an abuser. He doesn't have to physically hit you for it to be abuse. His words and actions are as well. He even has you believing that you deserve it. Thats not so, get out and get some help.
Author HilaryQ Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 JackJack I hear what you are saying, but he wasn't abusive when I met him, I made him that way. Isn't it my responsibility to try and work it through? Or am I behaving like one of those women that end up in hospital with 3 broken ribs, a black eye and a broken nose ? H
justamom Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 JackJack I hear what you are saying, but he wasn't abusive when I met him, I made him that way. Isn't it my responsibility to try and work it through? Or am I behaving like one of those women that end up in hospital with 3 broken ribs, a black eye and a broken nose ? H Boy oh Boy, Hilary. First of all, you didn't "make him that way". Him being abusive has absolutely nothing to do with you. Thing of it is, the relationships with abusers typically starts out wonderful....that's how they suck you in. If you went out on a first date and they punched you on the way to the restaurant, they'd never see you again. They have show you how nice they are, that way later when you are feeling down and mistreated.. you will remember how "sweet" they can be. Look, if he hit you, if he he puts you down, yells at you, rages out...it's abuse. YOU didn't make him do it. If he was really that concerned about all the things you did, he would leave. But, he has a sucker who's convinced she's the bad one. WRONG. You have done some things that are disrespectful and destructive, but it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like crap. You need to get some help and he needs to get some help. read here dr irene dot com
Author HilaryQ Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Justamom I know what you are saying, I always vowed if a man hit me I would walk, but I always find an excuse for him. After a while it takes away your belief in yourself too - no matter what you do in the rest of your life - you could be head of a school, or a successful actress -you begin to believe you are worthless and can't survive alone. I am starting to come out of this way of thinking now - one thing the OM taught me was that I am a valid person who has every right to a good life. My partner says I have changed, I am no longer the gentle person I was when he met me but I am hard and arrogant. I flip between thinking he might be right and I should be more submissive and thinking he is only saying that because he is no longer in total control (maybe 75:25) and he doesn't like it. Whatever it can't go on - he says apologies for my behaviour are not enough, being nice to him means nothing because I have been nice to other people, making love means nothing beause I made love to other people. and so it goes on and on and on ..... Hope you're having a good day. H
Mr. Lucky Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 I When we first met we were both married, both got divorced and have been together since. After 2 months together we went to a work meeting and I spent the whole day hanging around with an ex and ignoring my new guy. I kept in touch (by phone) with this ex until my partner made me make a choice - ex or him (I chose him) After another 5 years we moved to a new area - great - new start, new friends, so what do I do? Start obsessing about an old friend to the point where our relationship is in danger - this time I stopped myself, but not until a month had passed Fast forward 4 years and we are at a stage where we can spend about a week together without him getting angry, we make some new friends and I have an affair with one of them. You seem to have spent your entire life with your foot out the door of whatever relationship you were in. I don't think you'll ever have the answer to what is wrong with your marriage (and what to do about it) until you come to terms with why YOU think and act the way you do. Some serious self-analysis and individual counseling would help you understand the reasons why your history seems to show a consistent self-destructive pattern. Hope you find what you're looking for... Mr. Lucky
Author HilaryQ Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Mr Lucky Your final sentence..... "Some serious self-analysis and individual counseling would help you understand the reasons why your history seems to show a consistent self-destructive pattern." was really what I was hoping for here - or at least some pointers to get me started. What sort of cousellor do I look for - do I go to my GP and ask for names ? I really don't know how to go about this. As an update...... We have just found out that my partner is quite seriously ill. At best he will be on medication for the rest of his life, but there may be other problems too. It has changed our perspective on things, although he says he would rather be alone than have me stay out of pity. We just take every day as it comes at the moment and if we get to bed without getting upset it has been a good day. H
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