IslandGirl73 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 ok so its been about a month now since OM abruptly cut me off after a whole slew of mixed signals and one evening of dinner together... the past few weeks, i've attempted NC, which didn't work. one way or another, he'd either contact me with "hellos", sitting w/me at lunch or just staring at me across the room. or me contact him-but in a more aggressive way, phonecalls asking to see him, emails, a whole slew of text mssgs. the last contact i had with him, i made a total idiot of myself so i emailed him to pour out my heart in an effort to explain the reasons behind my impulsive behavior was a result of me missing him so much and willing to say/do anything to see him; that because i allowed my feelings for him to spin out of control, it caused me to do things i normally would not do. it was basically an email letter to say " i know, i know, very foolish and dumb of me, not to mention a huge lack of self-respect-but pls understand why" type of letter. at the end, i mentioned i know his decision for us not to continue is the right thing to do, and that i will let him go if this is what he wants. over the weeks, he never responded to any of my emails, text mssgs, nothing=zip. but when receiving my email i poured my heart out on, it was pretty lengthy and low and behold-he decides to respond to this one...but all i got back from him was "thanks for taking the whole year to write this" :eek: so now i feel 100% more foolish than ever before. i know from previous responses here on the board, its been suggested i take time to focus on DH and my marriage and i've been trying, really hard, to do so, the past few weeks thru out this ordeal with OM...still is was so hard, cuz I'd see him at work and my heart just wanted to run right up to him. but when i'm home, i'd devote all my energy to my DH to really try to reconnect again. so needless to say, this past few weeks, i've been on an emotional rollercoaster between Om and DH. and then whats even more confusing is OM"s actions. it seems after getting my lengthy sentimental email telling him my feelings, his attitude towards me has changed in an almost "giddy" kind of way. he started looking at me more, smiling at me, wanting to speak to me more when passing....whereas before, he barely would say 2 words after our "break up" so of course i fell for the trap again and 2 weekends ago, i called him up and asked if i could see him(dumb, dumb, dumb!!!what was i thinking!) and even though he had been smiling and staring at me earlier that day at work, his response was "no u won't be able to see me tonite" and to top it off, the next night i text him and mentioned i was going out and told him where and that it would be a nice surprise if he'd show up...again, dumb, what was i thinking?! and of course, he doesn't show up! so i sent him a final txt mssg and basically said, "i'm so sorry...but u win. i'm giving up and letting go. i can't keep fighting anymore, i'm just so emotionally drained. u've made it painfully obvious u don't want this and i'm so tired of trying for you. thx for the short time we spent together, stay sweet always..." that was over a week ago, and haven't emailed, called, txt or spoke to him since. but then at work, he changed all that and starts reaching out to me. i'm walking to the cafe and here he comes in the opposite direction so i look away to avoid eye contact. i can tell he's on his cellphone by this time, so upon coming up on each other, he says loud enough to get my attention: " hello how are you?" he says it so obviously loud i didn't want to look like the BUTT who's doing the ignoring so i just looked his way and waved half-heartedly and he made sure he was flashing this huge smile when i looked at him... and then after many weeks of no emails from him, he finally decides to send me one...of course it was just one of the ones thats forwarded to multiples around the office but still, he never even did that much and this time, he decided to include me in it. this together with his more added attention and stares he's been giving me. it just seems ever since i sent him that final txt mssg telling him i'm leaving him alone and not trying anymore, he suddenly wants to start showing me some kind of attention again. and i have been trying really hard to put this whole thing behind me to do the right thing by my marriage:confused: now here we are, i still have to work in the same office with him everyday, but thankfully i'm on one side and he's on the other. i try at all cost to go on breaks and lunches at different times to avoid him altogether. i really want to do the right thing by my husband. but its just that my heart really yearns for this man. and i'm afraid that what if even after trying to forget him 2-3 mths from now, i still want to be with him, what then? and from the attention he's giving now, i am really confused..... :confused:
lorr Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 It seems that you are putting way too much time and energy chasing a man who doesn't have any interest in you whatsoever. Your poor husband is clueless to whats going on and you still continue to harp on over this OM.Forget all this unnecessary pointless game playing, because what you REALLY need to do is put both of them out of their misery and learn to enjoy being on your own for awhile.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I think you need to work on your marriage first and forget about this infatuation. The OM is playing with you, it's very obvious. He does not care about your feelings, he is just using you for his ego. The moment you seem to draw away, he seems to want you to be his doormat yet he continuously ignores your advances. To prevent yourself and your family from further pain, I think you should just let it go and forget about him all together, this only spells trouble. Nothing good can come out of it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 This man is telling you all that you want to know about how he feels about you by his ACTIONS. To men like him this is A GAME! Don't let him play you for his own ego. You wouldn't put up with this from other friends or family, you'ld kick them to the curb and not think twice. He is having fun at YOUR expense.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 He's not into you. If he was, you'd know it. You're clutching a straws, reading into it because he was sending a group email in which you were included on, as SOMETHING. Again, he isn't into you that way. Stop fooling yourself, open your eyes and take a step back. His behaviour, how he ISN'T saying what you want him to say is a HINT that he does not want you the way you want him. but all i got back from him was "thanks for taking the whole year to write this" He is making a joke, in a polite smart assy way... It seems you've made this WHOLE thing into one big drama, to be honest, there was NO RELATIONSHIP to begin with, so how could you two have "broken up"???? Your emotions are playing tricks on you, which is why you need to back off, stop fantasizing about him, and focus on your husband and marriage. I've said this so many times on your other threads J. Leave this guy ALONE. He is NOT into you. Sorry but you need to hear it and keep on hearing it until it sinks in your head.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 He's not into you. If he was, you'd know it. You're clutching a straws, reading into it because he was sending a group email in which you were included on, as SOMETHING. Again, he isn't into you that way. Stop fooling yourself, open your eyes and take a step back. His behaviour, how he ISN'T saying what you want him to say is a HINT that he does not want you the way you want him. He is making a joke, in a polite smart assy way... It seems you've made this WHOLE thing into one big drama, to be honest, there was NO RELATIONSHIP to begin with, so how could you two have "broken up"???? Your emotions are playing tricks on you, which is why you need to back off, stop fantasizing about him, and focus on your husband and marriage. I've said this so many times on your other threads J. Leave this guy ALONE. He is NOT into you. Sorry but you need to hear it and keep on hearing it until it sinks in your head. WWIU, i totally hear loud and clear what u r saying, at least my head does but unfortunately my heart does not and so hence the reason why i got myself so caught up emotionally in OM in the first place. i know this is all my doing and a big part of it being my fault reading into things that really were never there to begin with. that being said, if he really doesn't want this, then why thru it all has he never really said the so? not one time, does he mention to me "stop the emails, stop the calls, stop the text mssgs" none of that. but what i would get is no response to any of them at all instead. it was like i'd be emailing, or txt mssgng to a wall. but again while at work, his smiles, stares, waving me down to stop me while in passing just seems so completely opposite of his "non interest" message he's supposedly has been trying to tell me. and now even more so, ever since i've told him i'm leaving him alone for good.... his actions just so confuses me and esp now while i'm so vulnerable, trying to do the right thing for DH and i and then here comes OM making my progression in the right direction even more difficult to take. but i'm trying, i really am. because after all is said and done, my DH is where i really need to be... i know your comments about me just to forget about OM is true but unfortunately, its easier said than done. emotions cannot be turned on/off like a water faucet....although i wish they could be so i wouldn't have to go thru this agony!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Look, I know you can't see this, your head does but your heart doesn't.. What he is doing is showing you a very and I mean VERY casual friendship, if that. Being a buddy, friendly and NOTHING else. The sooner you MAKE your heart undertand and see this, the better off you will be. You're reading into every look he gives you, a hello - Hoping it means more than it really does... You let yourself fall inlove/lust or infactuated with a guy who isn't interested anymore. Maybe he was atfirst, then he changed his mind when he realized you were married. And I'm sure the behaviour, you freaking out, calling him, emailing him HAD an affect on him, which has made him really stop and think, realize that he doesn't want to get involved with you. I am sorry that you have to go through this, but J, come on - YOU must do the legwork and focus on getting over him and fixing your marriage. You have that power in you to TAKE control and STOP the feelings. If you don't, you're leading yourself on, giving yourself hope, feeding the feelings, which are infact, is a waste of time for many reasons. Focus that energy into your husband. Stop trying to figure the other guy out. What he thinks/feels/does doesn't matter...HE isn't into you. You know that now, so please, stop thinking of him in an emotional or sexual way. Don't be friends with him at all. It's obvious right now you cannot handle ANY sort of friendship from him, without thinking he wants you, when infact you DO know he doesn't. You MAKE your own emotions turn off. They don't rule you, YOU MUST rule them. Your other option is divorce your husband and continue to lust after a man who isn't interested in you at all. See how crazy that is? COULD you divorce your H, be alone and then continue to chase a man who doesn't want a relationship with you? I hope you see my point that I'm trying to make.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 " Your other option is divorce your husband and continue to lust after a man who isn't interested in you at all. See how crazy that is? COULD you divorce your H, be alone and then continue to chase a man who doesn't want a relationship with you? I hope you see my point that I'm trying to make." wwiu-i don't think i'd never go to that extreme! but sometimes i do wonder, which i never did ask him now that i'm thinking about it...would things be different if i wasn't married? would he want me then? i guess the answers to these really don't matter at this point....because whats done is done.... still my heart can't help but wonder....
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Obviously your marriage has issues if you disrespected it with an affair. However, you are not listening to logical advice here, not allowing it to sink in, this guy is NOT interested. I suggest renting the movie Fatal Attraction, actually it's running on HBO now I think, too. It's a great movie to watch when you are constantly contacting an ex, especially in your case, one who you had an EM affair with....watch it....Michael Douglas is still kind to Glenn Close for a while...he is being cordial, just like your ex OM. BUT...it comes to the point where he is ignoring phone calls....then...you know what happens next, she keeps hounding and hounding, etc. etc. Do you want to be 'that girl?' Because right now your ex OM respects you about as much as Michael Douglas does Glenn Close when she shows up at his office and begs him to go to Madame Butterfly with her....that's how he's feeling right now, what the he** are you doing contacting me all the time, leave me alone. He just wants to have a cordial relationship at work and is demonstrating that "hello, how are you" is appropriate, the other emails, etc. begging to get together and meet him out are NOT. I think he is actually EMPHASIZING that cordialness in the workplace is as far as it goes with you from now on. Another recent example from real life, Lisa Novak, the astronaut who drove halfway across the country in a diaper to try to kill her OM's girlfriend. Hate to tell you this, but he possibly met someone else and wants to date her and you are history. How would you react if he told you that upfront, because frankly with your post, I can't be so sure you aren't another Lisa Novak or Glenn Close. IF YOU DON'T STOP OBSESSING, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE? CAUSE THIS COULD BE YOU IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF YOUR UNHEALTHY WAY OF THINKING, YOU COULD SNAP JUST LIKE HER. Scary to think about, isn't it? Hope that scares you back into reality. Don't be that girl (Lisa Novak).
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 wwiu-i don't think i'd never go to that extreme! but sometimes i do wonder, which i never did ask him now that i'm thinking about it...would things be different if i wasn't married? would he want me then? i guess the answers to these really don't matter at this point....because whats done is done.... You don't know what you'd do. People can and DO real f*ked up things that they NEVER thought they'd ever do when pushed past their emotional limit. Just like TTP has mentioned in her post about the astronaught. Having thoughts or even considering what life would be like with the OM is pointless because you're married. It is an obsession that you MUST stop - And if you need help controlling and ending the thoughts of the OM, get to thearpy, please. still my heart can't help but wonder.... Tell your heart NOT to wonder anymore. You CAN do this J. You have to!
Karma24 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 that being said, if he really doesn't want this, then why thru it all has he never really said the so? Because if he did come out and actually say it, the game would be over. Part of the game is implying things and keeping the other person guessing.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 jacquesette will grasp onto that and think that if this guy is bothering to still 'keep the game' going with her, he has feelings for her and she has a chance with him. Read her post history. Because if he did come out and actually say it, the game would be over. Part of the game is implying things and keeping the other person guessing.
Karma24 Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Be careful? WTF are you? My mother? I have responded to her posts since the very beginning. In fact, I was one of the first people to reach out to her when she first posted last month. Maybe YOU should go back and read her history...along with the replies. TWO other people on this thread SAID he is playing a game. Yet you want to jump all up in my s*it?
Guest Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Well if you have been here since the beginning of j's post, that's even worse. It is screamingly obvious that she is acting in an alarmingly deluded manner and your post merely encourages further delusion. eg that this person is actually engaging her in 'games'. He's petrified of what she'll do next. He's in damage control mode I would guess. Nothing more. I don't blame him!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I've posted these links before, was going to PM them to you but your PM isn't on so I'll post them again. [COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR] [COLOR=#800080]Valentine Schmalentine[/COLOR] [COLOR=#800080]The Brain in Love and Lust[/COLOR]. The first describes what you feel for this man to a "T". The second and third explain physiologically why these feelings are so VERY overwhelming. After you read these you may understand how actually in some cases (an MD, even a GP, could tell you for sure) that some antidepressants used short term can actually help you to loose that "in love" feeling. I understand how strong what you are feeling is. This man could look you in the eye and scream "stay away" and you would probably find a way to rationalize that he really meant that he loved you. It is wayyy to bad that there isn't more education and information available on this subject so that people wouldn't be so inclined to ruin their lives and the lives of their loved ones over something like this. You can imagine what happens when both people have the same feeling toward each other! Unfortunately, once this feeling is reciprocated and acted on it doesn't last but for a few years at best. If you love your husband (I'm talking the deep love that you also hold for your family and children) then you owe it to HIM to educate yourself and to deal with it. Besides, YOU my friend deserve MUCH more than a man who is simply using you to stroke his ego! Good Luck!
the_total_package Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 I have read her entire post history, I wasn't yelling at you or jumping your '****.' Just making a point to the OP. I wasn't disagreeing necessarily that he is playing a game, but I was saying that just because he's still keeping the game in play and keeping her wondering about him, that doesn't mean he has any feelings for her and I am pretty sure he has no intentions of resuming anything other than work related interactions with her. Be careful? WTF are you? My mother? I have responded to her posts since the very beginning. In fact, I was one of the first people to reach out to her when she first posted last month. Maybe YOU should go back and read her history...along with the replies. TWO other people on this thread SAID he is playing a game. Yet you want to jump all up in my s*it?
Author IslandGirl73 Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 Well if you have been here since the beginning of j's post, that's even worse. It is screamingly obvious that she is acting in an alarmingly deluded manner and your post merely encourages further delusion. eg that this person is actually engaging her in 'games'. He's petrified of what she'll do next. He's in damage control mode I would guess. Nothing more. I don't blame him! then if that's the case, then i will have to prove myself to him and build up his trust in me that i would never go to such extremes since the last thing i ever intended to do was to scare him away! that being said, i plan on proving this to him 100% by continuing to be cordial/polite upon our chance run-ins @ work, continue with the NC, including no emails, txt mssgs, just show him that despite my deep feelings for him, i CAN keep it under control, not run behind him, but just remain cool, calm and collected. i plan on doing this for as long as it takes and with time he will have to notice this and see that i'm sincere and he doesn't have to remain in damage control mode & be concerned over any of my "actions/behavior". its important to me that he sees and believes this to undo any "damage" i may have done. and during the interim, i will use this "time out" period from OM to do a deep soul searching on whether or not my marriage to DH is what I still want in my life. and if so, work really hard to put our pieces back together. DH is already aware of my feelings for OM as i felt it was important that i be honest enough to tell him, not to hurt him, but so that he can see the struggle i've placed myself in but that out of fairness to him and our marriage, I will continue to try to do the right thing....and at the end of it all, if our marriage does not survive then maybe it will mean the end for us which i will be sad about but thats what i want to avoid right now if at all cost. and as for OM, at least his last impression of me would be a positive one and if we were to meet up again in the future, i would be someone he could consider being with and me, vice-versa....
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