MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Two days ago was the 2-year mark in our "relationship". My ex broke up with me twice as my bf in those two years, but always came back and then wanted to be "friends". That friendship was confusing and far-stretched. So yesterday I decided I finally had enough, called him, and he came over. We sat down and I said I couldn't be his friend until I would reach a state of "romantic indifference" towards him. He said he "didn't want to let go". But he can't be in a relationship either because he's not ready. Truth is, he's 44, has never been ready and never will. He also said he's very loyal with his friends and expressed hurt of me breaking our friendship. He said he has made space for me in his life. That is true because he has nearly no friends and nobody visiting him. But that's how he wants it. So does that mean I should be content with the tiny space I get? Is this mean and selfish of me to NOT want to be his friend? When he left he said "I love you". Then he said "I know you love me too" and looked at me until I confirmed these words. I felt a little forced to say that. It's hard to hear the "I love you's" flying around my ears when there's no commitment. So that was it. The end of a 2-year heartbreaking story in 3 hours of talking. I have been feeling pretty empty since. So now... I guess I'll have to start the long road of recovery. I've posted a note on my fridge with the reasons why, in spite of the fact that he's a gentle and deep man and that once upon a time we really "connected", I can't go back to him: 1) he doesn't want to be in a relationship 2) I do not trust him any longer in an emotional way But it's easier said than done. I know my heart will crave him and there will be days during which the loneliness and "aloneness" will haunt me and will not want to be substituted by anyone else but him... That is something I keep breaking my head over... why does it seem in these "dark" moments that he is the only male on the planet who can make me feel good????
AriaIncognito Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Wow, I'm sorry that you're hurting MJ. It truly sucks to be in love with someone who won't commit. I should know, unfortunately. I hope to never do it again. We both deserve better. You took a step towards that something better by deciding to cut the cord, good for you :-) We all should get together sometime. You, me, TP, anyone else up here in NY/NJ lol
Teacher's Pet Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Wow, I'm sorry that you're hurting MJ. It truly sucks to be in love with someone who won't commit. I should know, unfortunately. I hope to never do it again. We both deserve better. You took a step towards that something better by deciding to cut the cord, good for you :-) We all should get together sometime. You, me, TP, anyone else up here in NY/NJ lol *wakes up* I'm in! -tp toga! toga!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 This morning I am feeling calm... I don't know if I have found some peace because of my decision or whether I just feel numb. Maybe a bit of both. Anyway... theer is some acceptance too, I guess. For 2 years I've held on to the hope that if only I was patient enough things would change. Now I am accepting that they won't change. I am angry too, that he gives up like that, without at least an attempt to fight for our relationship/friendship. I fiercefully, tigerly, fight for what I believe in, be it a relationship or an idea. But I guess I have to respect too that he chooses to live his life as one big avoidance strategy, be it in his work, or in his relationships. He just doesn't want to be confronted with anything unpleasant or unpredictable and is willing to pay the price for that. So, at the end of the day, we're just too different. That's what I have to accept... Yes, I'd really like to get together sometime with you and Tp and others. I've basically spent all my time here in NYC with him, so there's plenty of space for other people Thanks for all the support, without Loveshack I would be scaling the walls...!
shockandawed Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 MagnoliaJane, Sorry you are hurting! You did the right thing, waiting around for someone who is mid-40s and never commited is not good. They don't change. I know several people that fit that category. Hang in there, vent and post, and start envisioning the ideal person you would want to share your life with. One of these days, you will begin to be excited about that possibility. I know, I am starting to see small flickers of light at the end of my tunnel. We are all here for you MJ!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks Shocked! Yep, I know I did the right thing, even if it feels wrong in my heart. It feels like I stabbed a knife in my own heart. But still, my brain, the rational me, says "congratulations on not being a doormat". It's good to live in reality instead of in a world that's prettier in pink. Instead of focusing on my ideal mate, I guess I'll focus on me for a while. I'll be trying to figure out why I ended up in such a pathetic situation. Probably because I wasn't happy or content enough with myself and needed someone to fill that void. So I'll try to be alone until I will have learned to live with myself better and to love myself better. I guess then I can be a better person for someone else as well. I won't need them as much, and my world won't collapse when they decide to leave. But first I will have to work through all these feelings of impotence, hurt and anger... Man, I haven't been angry in 2 years, but now I am.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 he just doesn't love you. Because if you knocked his socks off, he would commit. I would highly suggest you read the book 'He's Just Not That Into You.' When a guy is in love with you, relationships are pretty much effortless because he lets you know it. Also one of the things the author (a guy who has been in the position) tells you that when a guy breaks up with you, he's just not that into you....he says if you MUST, take him back once, but if he does it again...he REALLY is just not that into you. He highly suggests just moving on totally and not looking back when a man breaks up with you because....he's just not that into you, or at least has enough doubt about you to break up with you. This book was totally freeing for me and I stopped sitting around being upset and making excuses (which essentially what the 'he won't commit' thing is...an excuse for the real reason - he's just not that into you.) and analyzing a guy who just wasn't that it' me's behavior, which can be really draining and a TOTAL waste of time. I was no longer talking to freinds "well how come he said this though' or 'I don't get it, he said he loved me but then did this and then he dumped me and he WANTS to hang out, even though he dumped me, so does he want to get back together...but then...he doesn't call me that much....so he dumped me but he loves me right" well after reading that book it's freeing - I didn't have these conversations with people of analyzing his behavior because I knew the answer was VERY simple. He just wasn't that into me. Seriously, reading this book is the best relationship therapy you will ever get for a guy who treats you like crap (like this guy does). DON'T let this guy say he wants to be friends (and I am getting the distinct feeling he is still getting sex from you....stop THAT immediately, he ended it with you, he doesn't get that from you.) Do NOT take his calls. Do NOT answer his emails. Do NOT let him come over and visit you. If he shows up tell him "Look,I told you not to come over" and be STRONG.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 The_total_package, I hear ya. Well, as far as I can tell it's definitely over now. So, there won't be more emailing, calling, coming over. He took my statements that I can't be friends with him pretty serious (or so I think)... I tried to make it safe for him to tell me "if it was me" he wasn't ready for. He and I have been pretty honest with one another throughout these past two years. It is one of the reasons I cared for him a lot. Because he hasn't been misleading or dishonest. He said he felt disempowered in the beginning of our relationship because he fell so hard for me. Things moved along pretty quickly, and he was the one pushing for commitments until tension started building up inside him and then he ran. Whether or not it's because "he's just not that into me" I don't know. It can be true. Personally I believe he prefers to "be more into himself than into someone else". I can see that's the way he has lived his life so far (in 2 years I've come to know a great deal about his previous relationships). And that's what I am acknowledging and accepting now. And even if he "isn't that into me", ok, fine. In the end it doesn't matter. Reality is he chooses not to be with me. So now I choose not to be his friend.
Kamille Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hi Magnolia... I don't know if congratulations are in order, but I do admire for having the courage to stand up for yourself. From your thread I get that you know what you're doing, why you're doing it and,best of all, that you are doing it for you. Isn't it unfortunate that making the best decision for us is sometimes so hard? I went NC with my ex only 6 days ago and I am suddenly confronted to all the reasons why I kept hanging on. The classic one of course: I have a hard time letting go of the idea of what we could have potentially had, despite all the proof that - well - it didn't work out because it wasn't meant to work out. Good luck Magnolia. We're here to support you! K
shockandawed Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Oh yes, at first, all I could focus on was what could have been. The great unfilled potential. I was always thinking if I am just patient, she will eventually reward me. I have found though, that slowly, the realities of what never could have been start taking over my thoughts. It's kind of like this slow awakening. Not there yet, but the pain is less and the anger at myself for putting up with so much is getting stronger.
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Hi Kamille, Well, it took me at least one year to come to this point. A year of self-torture and bending my boundaries until it felt like I did not even have boundaries any more... There were reasons to stay where I was, but none of them were good enough. I guess I wanted to hang on to the crumbs and the hope. I could also see he let me into his life and home while he's pretty much cut off every one else. So I guess that's a great part of what fed into that hope. But NO MORE! No more self-deception. Time for a reality check. And I wanted/needed to communicate that to him in a calm and rational way. First I thought of just disappearing without explanation. But that would have allowed me to come back to him some day. So I needed to communicate to him that it was time to bury the dead horse. That I acknowledge it's dead. But then it took me a long time to try and search for the words in a non-hurtful way, not driven by all the anger inside me. Dealing with this anger is my responsibility, not his. And in the end I know the anger is just covering sadness and grief. My own grief. Again not his. So, as a human being I had to come to terms with myself first, before I could deal with him. Fight my own demons of fear of being rejected and left alone. I did it and it was painful. It still is painful. But at least it allowed me to take one baby step ahead with grace. For now I feel ok with myself. Tomorrow is another day.
Kamille Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Oh yes, at first, all I could focus on was what could have been. The great unfilled potential. I was always thinking if I am just patient, she will eventually reward me. I have found though, that slowly, the realities of what never could have been start taking over my thoughts. It's kind of like this slow awakening. Not there yet, but the pain is less and the anger at myself for putting up with so much is getting stronger. Yeah, NC is helping me clear my thoughts. They are unpleasant thoughts though because they're linked to my fears. I felt like my ex really got who I was - really saw who I was - and it still hurts me to think that he was still able to walk away. The 'not that into me' was kind of a slap in the face in my case (not that liberating). It's brought me to work on my fear of being alone and what I believe love is and should be I guess. And it took me awhile to get to NC (I was doing Limited Contact for awhile). I congratulate you Magnolia on taking the initiative straight up. Your decision does seem firm. You are moving on!
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Shocked, the pain and anger is something we have to deal with in life at one point or another. The worst thing is, we are doing it to ourselves. But I simply see no other way than to "work through it". I believe ignoring the "baggage" doesn't make the baggage go away. Sure you can try to redirect/channel your thoughts and sport until you drop, but that doesn't make you have less issues. It's not because you don't give attention to your fears/worries that they are magically going to disappear... That being said, there's no point in engaging yourself in a constant bumping against the wall either. I guess I still have to find the balance myself. It's a thin line. I guess I'm more or less ok today, but tomorrow may be a whole different story. I'll congratulate myself if I will be on a steady road of emotional stability. Right now I feel I still can not really trust my abilities to "let go" and that is a pretty undermining feeling. But I guess I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt... I guess it's Kamille who spoke about "cold turkey" before. I believe she's right. Kamille, I read some bits and pieces of your story. Yes, the road to understanding yourself better is a bumpy one and we might face issues we'd rather not discover about ourselves. But in a way, it's beautiful to understand you're vulnerable and human because it makes us less judgemental about other people and more understanding towards failure in general. Keep hanging in there! We all have to!!!
Kamille Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Hi Magnolia Jane! How are you doing today? I just reread your last answer which made me think that the reason it took me so long to get over my ex was because I wanted to zap through the baggage the whole break up brought to the foreground. Before I met him I was feeling really good about myself and it took me a long time to accept just how much the whole thing had hurt me. I didn't want to let it hurt me so much, if only because a part of me was too proud to admit it did. And also because a part of me was thinking that if I let it hurt me, I would not be the woman he fell for in the first place. Perhaps also because of all the discourses out there about not wasting time on things that aren't meant to be. I wanted to move on too fast. I guess I'm learning that it's ok to deal with baggage. That in fact baggage will force one to deal with it. Am also learning how effective NC really is once I decided to do it for myself. It did take me a long time to get there. But thanks for your wise words. They remind me that taking some time to heal is ok. More then ok, it's even wise. Have a good day MJ! K
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 15, 2007 Author Posted February 15, 2007 Hi Kamille, I'm actually pretty much feeling like crap today. Not because of Valentine's... it's not that. I feel angry with my ex and I can't seem to shake off that anger. I want it to be done with, dealt with, and OVER. First there was this feeling of hurt that was exhausting and now it's the anger that's exhausting and I've had fairly enough of all these thoughts and myself spinning around in circles... Still. The feelings are there and I can't "think them away" (I could when I was younger than 30, lol). I guess, right now, it's just me. C'me on, I've had my closure with the guy, now I should have PEACE. After all, he's not wrapped up in turmoil over me, is he? I've joined his list of "memorable girlfriends" (sarcastic grin) - he compares me to his long lost ex he's still in sporadic contact with after 20 years. Told me last week she contacted him and shouted at him over the phone, but still, he is loyal to her friendship. He told me this to demonstrate how "deep" his friendship goes and that I was also allowed to do that. Wow, I'm really honored I must say! Peace, where art thou? Is this also something that you miraculously get when you're not seeking it???
thatmatt Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 MJ, I really admire you for being able to deal with your anger and end the relationship. I ended my relationship for very similar reasons, and have never been more filled with anger in my life, and acted in anger, and have regretted that I ended it that way, but people make mistakes, and I have definitly learned from mine, there were so many reasons I was angry, but now I know how to deal with them. I admire the way you handled it, and wish you the best of luck!
Kamille Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Ah yes, the anger. Emotions are such tricky phenomenoms! Did you know chemist have proven that emotions are chemical? Hence the feelings of withdrawal we get after breaking up with someone. We litterally get addicted to the comfort those individuals bring us. And so, when we break up, our emotional balance chemically goes all out of whack. It's probably part of the reason why physical activity is so helpful after a break up. I am finally over the anger. I think. It took me so long. Months! For the shortest relationship I ever had. I think getting angry is a normal and healthy part of healing, as long as it doesn't make you do anything you'd regret... As Thatmatt points out. But anger is definitely a part of accepting it's over. Unfortunately it doesn't go away easily. (And yes why does it get harder getting over people once we hit 30? Maybe because we don't give our hearts away as easily...) It is hard being angry at someone we cared for so much. The failure of a relationship is the betrayal of something we believed in. I know that was why I was angry at my ex. And also why I argued we should be friends. I couldn't believe he could betray what we had by throwing it all away (which he did at first). Now I'm in a bit of a mess because he's a happy clam as a friend while I find it confusing. (But I do kind of understand your ex's idea of friendships running deep...). Yet it's normal to be angry. You tried hard. You gave it everything you had and he never stepped up. I think it's an anger made even harder to manage because you know one day you won't be angry anymore (hit 30 and self-righteousness goes out the window - my first break ups, i would get angry and think I would be angry forever... That, somehow, was helpful.) Also, part of the anger is directed at one self just for being angry. I feel like I kept disapointing myself over and over in my last healing process because I wasn't getting over it as fast as I should. You know what - so what? I don't care. Yes it took me a long time to get over him. That's nothing to be ashamed off, it just proved I am human. Vulnerable, like you said. It's ok. You're angry. You do have some negative emotions to deal with. Be patient with yourself. There is no magic pill. (Although working out does help). Accept your emotions.
justagirlforever Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 Hi MagnoliaJane. Only just saw your thread - and sorry to hear that you're going through this The tone that comes through (to me) in these posts, is resigned melancholic sadness (if that makes sense). You know you deserve more. Happiness & equal love & respect. That peace (inner peace for you) will come when the time is right. When you've finally truly accepted that it's over and let go in heart and mind. And believe you deserve more (than you had) - and not have to (or should) compromise for less. All the best! Edit: I did a google on "melancholic sadness" (yeah, sad I know, but I wasn't sure if it's a "valid" combination or just two words I strung together). And interestingly enough, lead me to this link: http://poeticdisplay.tribe.net/thread/c0409b15-aaa6-4611-bf5c-0b6b80541ff6
Author MagnoliaJane Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 A week ago I took a beautiful pot my ex gave me and a hammer and yes... I destroyed it. And it felt good. The tension had built up so much that I needed to make some kind of powerful statement to myself. Prove that I could do it. Break something. Break up. Hence the pot.... It was a beautiful ethnic pot brought by him from Vietnam. I felt shame of destroying somebody’s work. Still it felt good and I wanted to make a point too that possessions are not that important to me. I wanted to free myself. It was a temporary moment of freedom off course, dictated by a split second. Come to think of it, I have a harder time with a necklace he gave me. Not something expensive, but ethnic again... Someone put time and dedication into making it. I have thought of giving it away instead, making somebody else happy. So far I haven't destroyed our pictures though, because... maybe in 30 years I will want to remember my youth and its adulterants (grin) Tomorrow evening I'm going on a date, not a real date, but some kind of friendship date. I met the guy in an airport in South America and he is originally from where I live now. He's really fascinated about my travel stories and the time I lived in Bolivia, sees me as some kind of "Jane" (or so I think) from whom he can learn how to become a world traveller. My ex is a world traveller. Does my date seem hot? Sigh... Not really. Last time I listened for FOUR hours to his plans to "engage in new meanings of life". He's very friendly. He seems like a very nice person. He’s not looking for a woman because he's too busy with his "new meanings". I'm asking myself all the time "what the heck am I doing here sitting with him"? The answer is... Making a new friend... I'm also sitting there to prove to myself that I can go out and talk to another guy. Just the simple fact of doing that. But I'm not overly enthusiastic and that shines through off. I sit there and listen and try to ask meaningful questions and at the same time it’s like I’m observing myself from the outside. I guess after the denial, and the anger, there’s also depression. I don’t believe depression has that much to do with chemicals, like you say, Kamille. I don’t believe our brain chemicals can “dictate” us in that way. We don’t know (at least not yet) whether it are the chemicals that cause depression, or depression provokes a low level of chemicals/serotonin. It’s the “chicken or the egg”-story. I do believe in unresolved conflicts within and outside us, and how they can linger around and haunt us. Justagirlforever, I enjoyed reading your very positive story. It is a story about healing. I liked it so much, yet I can't seem to write something so positive myself. Maybe in a year from now?
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