Why am I so damn mean?

[piggin_string]

Hello, I am 32 years old. I have two children (boy 13 and girl 8). I have pretty much been alone my whole life. I have been in long term relationships (one for 8 years) and a few that have lasted a year or two. The man that I was with for 8 years, I ended up marrying, but a year and a half after we got married, we got divorced. We only lived together after we got marries.

 

The relationship was stable when we got married and we thought we took adequate time to get to know each other (maybe too much). Anyway, that ended and I have been dating. I consider myself to be very independant, but I am so emotionally dependant, it isnt funny. The slightest comments hurt my feelings and my first reaction is t bail. How can I make myself more compromising? I won;t tolerate even the smallest mistake and that isnt fair.

 

I have been dating a very nice gentleman for 4 months, whom I really like, but I wont let him in and I want to, but I just cant seem to do it. I cant say that I am still hurt from my marriage, because I know that I wasnt in love with my ex-husband, I loved him, but it wasnt that "true" love. I have never been in love....why?

[brokenhart2007]

NOt sure I can give you answers your looking for, but I can relate; I'm 30 (female)...my last long term relationship ended when I was 19. Therefore I am extremely independent myself but very sensitive emotionally. For anytime I've let my feelings known to a man, he runs. So I put a wall up and it prevents me from getting close to anyone. Hence I haven't had a real boyfriend in 11 years. Most of the time, can't even get past 1 date. No clear reason for it, either. Unless it's that easy to tell how I'm closed off, yet desperate. I also have a bad habit of being way too pissed off over minor things that seem major to me.

 

Congratulations, cuz if I actually made it to 4 months with someone, I'd be doing cart wheels. I've even chased a guy off after 3 months because to me, that's serious. But for most people it's crazy to think 3 months is "serious".

 

I know it's hard, but the guy must like you quite a bit, and I assume you feel the same about him. Talk to him about how this is a challenge for you. If you say it the right way and calmly, he should understand. Make sure he knows, it doesn't mean he has to walk on egg shells for you, but you need him to be patient with you...if it doesn't work out, ask the same of the next guy if you need to. Maybe the "love" will come with the guy who not only understands your personal obstacles, but tries to help you overcome them.

[hindsfeet]

i don't know enough about you or your situation to really help you analyze yourself.but i know what has kept me from the same thing and it has taken a divorce to help me realise some things about me.

 

here are a few things that i figured out about me. hopefully it will help you some. i never really allowed myself to fall in love bc of past relationships. i would often bring extra luggage into my relationships. like mistrust, because my previous gf had cheated, or insecurities, due to things said to me by someone before. because of these things, i never allowed myself to really, completely trust anyone.

 

by not completely trusting anyone i went into relationships, halfheartedly. in a sense to protect myself from getting hurt.

 

one thing ive always heard but never really considered was that you fall in love. when you fall, sometimes you run the risk of becoming hurt from whatever you fall into. falling is not always a bad thing. falling into a pool is sometimes fun. falling into love can be scary as ***** i know.

i know the next relationship i get into, i know that it will not be fair to whoever i go out with for me to drag extra luggage into it.

couple things about love. it should be unconditional. if you are selfseeking then it distorts it.hope this helps you some.

[hindsfeet]

this is something a good friend of mine wrote to me a while back.

this made a lot of sense to me.

''This whole love thing freaks me out sometimes.'

it should.

Love is not something taken lightly.

check this...

Love does not take into account a wrong suffered,

(does not bring past accounts or wounds into

current situation)

the fear of what has happened happening again

can prevent you of going where you want to be.

(my Dog will not leave the yard because when he was a

pup I had an invisible fence. he remembers getting

popped by his collar every time he left the yard. he

has not worn a collar in 3 months and the fence quit

working about 2 yrs ago. but he is scared of it. he

will not leave the yard because he is deathly afraid

of that feeling he had before)

 

you cannot hope with fear in the picture

 

you cannot control the people you love, you can

only love them. by loving wholly,whether or not the person you love does or does not, you will not have regrets.

you cannot control what others feel. but you

can control your actions. if you control your actions,

you can easily trust that what is meant to be, will

be. If you dont allow yourself to fall, you may never know'

[LaughMachine]

Hello, I am 32 years old. I have two children (boy 13 and girl 8). I have pretty much been alone my whole life. I have been in long term relationships (one for 8 years) and a few that have lasted a year or two. The man that I was with for 8 years, I ended up marrying, but a year and a half after we got married, we got divorced. We only lived together after we got marries.

 

The relationship was stable when we got married and we thought we took adequate time to get to know each other (maybe too much). Anyway, that ended and I have been dating. I consider myself to be very independant, but I am so emotionally dependant, it isnt funny. The slightest comments hurt my feelings and my first reaction is t bail. How can I make myself more compromising? I won;t tolerate even the smallest mistake and that isnt fair.

 

I have been dating a very nice gentleman for 4 months, whom I really like, but I wont let him in and I want to, but I just cant seem to do it. I cant say that I am still hurt from my marriage, because I know that I wasnt in love with my ex-husband, I loved him, but it wasnt that "true" love. I have never been in love....why?

 

 

I think your putting up this sheild to protect your self from anytype of hurt. I am incredibly senstive and take too much deep things out of what can only be two words. I am sensitive because in my past I had someone who was mentally abusive. Things from your past, make up who you are now and its so hard to change and let go! Even if you weren't head over heals in love with your ex, things can still hurt. I say face your fears head on. That is the only way you can overcome this fear is to face it head on! The more you back down and go the oppisite direction the more your hurting your self.

[piggin_string]

I never dreamed there were others out there like me. Thank you so much for your input. Each of you has absolutely helped. I want this to work so badly. He is a great guy. Let me give you an example of something that I did....(first, I will give you some insight)

I rodeo, barrel race professionally. It is a passion, horses are my passion and I will NEVER be without them. This is something I have been involved since the day I was born and derives from multiple generations of horse trainers/lovers/competitors. I chose not to let it go.

This gentleman that I am seeing has definately struck a nerve (or some other responsive thing) inside of me. I am crazy about him. I am a very realistic person and I understand that it takes time to fall in love, however, this man has more of my heart than any of the long relationships in my past. I actually have a desire to make something work. Different possibilities on why I am reacting to it as I am...1. I am getting older, 2. Experience has taught me what is important and what isnt quite so important, 3. There may be such a thing as compatibility (fate)?, or 4. Can I actually be in love after just 4 months?

 

Can't answer that now can I? Anyway, heres the example.

I currently do not have my own arena, I have to go to other peoples houses to ride. There was an instance the other day where I had the opportunity to ride at an arena only nine miles from me, and is actually co-owned by a friend of his, that he doesnt necassarily trust. Anyway, we had discussed me riding there and he was okay with it. However, I told him that I probably wouldnt do it, as it made me uncomfortable (not knowing them well). Anyway, I had a rodeo tha tI performed in and I was really excited about the time that my mare had made and I really wanted to ride her and keep her fit. So, I told him that i was going to go ahead and go ride over there. He told me that it bothered him that I wanted to go hang out with a bunch of men (two to four men rope steers out there occassionally and sometimes their wives are there and sometimes maybe they arent). It angered me, as I was jsut hoping for his support in preparing my mare for the next rodeo. Knowing that if she is not fitt and being practiced, we will have mistakes. I told him that thought that was a bunch of crap and that he need not be so jealous and that he needed to trust me, that trusting them wasnt that important. I was merely wanting to ride. I live in area where I would have to ride my horses in town and cant do that...traffic, people, etc. She (my mare) needs to be ridden in a arena. ....long story short....he kept pushing and I blew up. TOld him that he need not worry about it anymore..that I was too old to argue about trivial things such as this and that I didnt care to waste my time any longer on someone who can't support my dreams. He tried to calm me down, told me that he didnt want to fight and wasnt trying to start a fight. I persisted and told him that we can't do this anymore...because everytime I get upset, I try to bail. I told him that it isnt fair to him adn that I didnt want to do that to him any more. He consoled me and told me that if I could just promise him that I would try, that he was more than willing to keep trying himself. I gave in, as I don't have the balls to leave him, as I have the gentlemen in my past. I really am into this man. We have several wonderful moments that absolutely out weigh the bad moments. Not to mention, the sex life is fabulous. I don;t want to lose him, I want to give him a fair shake.....

[piggin_string]

I wanted to reiterate that he is not bad to me in any way. He actually tries very hard to please me, but I am such a hard ass, that sometimes I don't see it...I also noticed how badly I type

 

I am trying so hard, but I am scared that he can't see that. I want to make him happy, but he sees me as selfish sometimes. The time I spend with the horses, and everything. I just want him to support me. and I guess that is selfish. He is no where near a cowboy, which is fine by me, cause I don't go fo rthe cowboy type anyway, I clash with them, b/c I am too bullheaded (as are they). I care for him just the way that he is. I dont mind that he doesnt ride.....I want to be with him all the time and I want him to be with me. How do I stop myself from pushing him away?

[JCD]

Find hobbies that the two of you can do together.

[hindsfeet]

two things from your last reply i noticed.

 

first, yes you can be in love after just a short time. but it needs to mature some before acted upon. i write a lot and on occasion i go back and read what i wrote yrs back. i am still the same person i was yrs ago. not much has changed.

 

second thing is trust.one thing to communicate with him about, and it is none of my business. but if he has a problem with you being around other men, there is a problem. he should trust you. bottom line is without trust in your relationship, it will go no where really fast. ive had girls tell me that they trust me but just not the girls ill be around. thats still not trust. before he came along, you did that and had no problem so why should it be a problem now?

 

i think it would be good to sit down and just let him know where you are at and that you are scared because it is not a way that you are used to feeling. then let him know that you are working on that so that you can be more open with him and give him more and more of you as you grow closer.( which means your trusting him not to take advantage of that) but what you need also is for him to trust you.

 

by him acting as though he is uncomfortable with you around other guys, he is showing some of the same issues you are dealing with. maybe he's expressing it differently. but ultimately it is the same. chances are, someone has either cheated on him or he has seen someone get cheated on, and he is not allowing you to have freedom in your relationship because of that. just bc some other person did something, it does not give anyone the right to make someone else have to pay for it. this means, he is going to have to trust you not to take advantage of the situation as well.

 

love is scary, because you cannot control it. that's part of what makes it so beautiful. when it runs its course without anything to distort it, it is amazing. whether he distorts it or not, is not your responsibility. you are responsible for you.

[MJTig]

Maybe its an overused solution, but perhaps going to therapy for a little while will help you figure out why you are distrustful and/or sensitive. You are trying to push him away before what you think is an inevitable dumping by him. If he does break up with you, it will end up as irrational "proof" that you are unloveable and people leave you.

 

Cue vicious cycle.