Artscrafter Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 So, I've been seeing this girl "Liz" (in case anyone remembers any of the threads I'd done a good while ago, I'll use the same acronyms) for nearly two years now. Way too much of that has been LDR, for reasons outside our control, but that's not the point of this post. What is important is that at the end of last (school) year, I did a bit of maneuvering with our college's residential office to get Liz to live next door to me this year. Part of the arrangement required that we bring in a mutual acquaintance, "Kate," in to be Liz's roommate. Fast-forward to this year. Due to unforeseen circumstances, Liz is unable to attend college for either semester this year. (There was a fairly long period of uncertainty about the spring semester, but the final answer was again no.) And so now I've got Kate living (alone) next door to me. The problem with this is that Kate is one of those clingy, dependent types who considers me to be more or less her only friend here. Kate is, to put it lightly, a large ball of emotional issues wrapped around several obsessions with things I couldn't care less about. She was apparently sexually abused as a child by her uncle, her mother has been all but openly hostile to her for most of her life so far (although has apparently just this year learned how to be more civil about it) and so on. She's gotten a bit better, emotionally, since last I posted about her, but still she's got issues. Specifically, she needs to be around other people. Not having a roommate this year has taken a bit of a toll on her - for example, she can't sleep alone easily because she doesn't feel safe. And she picks her friends in part for their ability (in her mind) to protect her. The gist of this is that she wants to be around me constantly. She insists on always sitting next to me in the one class we happen to be taking together, she'll wave me over to sit with her at dinner whether I want to or not, and most of all, she's always taking advantage of the fact that we live next door to pop in at random. She's gone as far as walking me to a class just so she can be around me longer. And when she is around, she's always going on about stuff that I don't care about at all. She's obsessed with Star Wars books, Final Fantasy VII and its various derivatives (which I actually liked until she took off on it and proceeded to talk it into the ground), some band that's had a cartoon show made based on itself but which I've never heard of, and so on. She'll pop in to exclaim that she ran across some funny YouTube video, she'll pop in to announce what's been happening in a LiveJournal-based role playing community she follows... You get the idea. Oh, and when she's not talking about any of that, she'll be talking about things like how much sleep she hasn't been getting, and that sort of thing. On top of all that, the very fact of her presence is like a slap in the face to me because it serves as a constant reminder that my girlfriend isn't here. Now, I've tried any number of hints and such to the effect that I don't want her around as much. She's clueless! At first I tried generally looking disinterested, but when she kept on going, I'd switch to blatantly not listening to her. She even knows when I'm not listening to her, and half the time she doesn't care! I've told her outright that I'm not going to be here after this semester so she really needs to find more friends; I'm not going to be around to do things like shuttle her to the grocery store (I've taken to asking her "What would you do if I weren't here?" a lot); I've been bugging her about finding a roommate; you get the idea. Basically, I've done just about everything I can think of, short of telling her outright that I don't want to see her as often (if at all) anymore. Because I've seen what happens to her when someone close to her does that. A girl I know who lived near her last year did that, and she was absolutely devastated, even with Liz and me around to soften the blow. If I were to do the same thing and leave her effectively alone here, it would totally destroy her. So what do I do?
sb129 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Ease up man. You sound like you are being a little harsh on her. Why don't you introduce her to some people, or suggest she joins a club or something rather than tell her outright. Try and hang in a group. I know it can be kinda annoying but you are coming across as a bit mean and shallow here. You couldn't care less about how she was treated as a kid?? Nice.
Author Artscrafter Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 If I'm coming across as harsh, it's only because I've been dealing with this for so long. As a matter of fact, I am sympathetic to her past, and whatever's been troubling her lately, and I do go out of my way to help her (at one point last year, I took her on a 3-day road trip down to her house because she didn't think her cat was safe with her parents anymore!) It's just that I can't force myself to care about all the stuff she's obsessed with, and the extent to which I'm harsh/blunt/whatever now is a result of such a long period of her constant invasions on my time and privacy, whether welcome or not. Edit: allow me to rephrase that one statement. When I said "a large ball of emotional issues wrapped around several obsessions with things I couldn't care less about," I meant that the two most common themes of our interactions are her emotional problems, and then (separately) the random obsessions (with trivial stuff, let me remind you) and it's that second set of stuff I don't care about. Edit 2: I've already introduced her to a club. It's one of the biggest clubs at our college and they deal with the same sort of stuff she's interested in. (I'm in it too.) She knows and is on good terms with a number of the people there, but she's still inviting herself to my room all the time instead of ever hanging out with them.
PuppyDogEyes Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 The problem with this is that Kate is one of those clingy, dependent types who considers me to be more or less her only friend here. If you know that she needs more friends, perhaps you could introduce her around to people that you know, or gently guide her toward clubs and groups that share her interests (whether online or not). Kate is, to put it lightly, a large ball of emotional issues wrapped around several obsessions with things I couldn't care less about. She was apparently sexually abused as a child by her uncle, her mother has been all but openly hostile to her for most of her life so far (although has apparently just this year learned how to be more civil about it) and so on. She's gotten a bit better, emotionally, since last I posted about her, but still she's got issues. Specifically, she needs to be around other people. I find your comment above extremely disturbing in that you state that you "couldn't care less" about her past abuse or her emotional problems. As a person who unfortunately shares a good deal in common with your "friend" (I too have suffered extensive abuse in my childhood, both sexually and emotionally), I know all too well what it's like to feel alone, abandoned and have little self-esteem. Have you considered that your friend may be suffering from depression? Depressed people need all of the love and support that they can get, even if it seems overwhelming to the people that they know. Obviously she feels that you're someone she can trust, if she's coming to you all of the time. I don't know, but I'd feel pretty good about myself if someone felt that they were that close to me that they'd come to me first. Have you suggested that your friend see a counselor? It could make all of the difference in the world, as it has for me. I know that it can be overwhelming and annoying to be "the only resource" in your friend's life - I have a similar situation where I only trust one person with my feelings and my thoughts, and I know that sometimes it's hard on him - but he's never turned away from me, not ever, but has tried to help me to the best of his ability, whether it's guiding me to a counselor, or suggesting new things for me to see/do/try, or just listening to me sob my stupid head off. In short, he's my rock. I couldn't get through a day without his friendship and his love, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. Perhaps she sees you in the same way. I know it's hard. But I'd maybe be a little more patient in this case, because you just don't know what she's going through or why she's doing it. I strongly suspect depression on some level. Therapy may help. -pde.
PuppyDogEyes Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Obviously I type too slowly, heh. My apologies if I came across harsh - in re-reading my post, it may seem that way, but as stated, I can relate strongly to your friend's situation. -pde.
Author Artscrafter Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 She's already in counseling. I've already introduced her to other people. The counseling seems to be having a bit of an effect, but despite that and knowing other people, she still goes to me all the time. And I'm an introvert. Being around someone I don't have a deep emotional connection with drains me, and this has been going on for a very long time. Let me reiterate, for the second time, that putting "I couldn't care less" where I did in that paragraph was a mistake, since it implied a lack of concern for the wrong parts of the paragraph and I did not mean it that way. Understood?
PuppyDogEyes Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Let me reiterate, for the second time, that putting "I couldn't care less" where I did in that paragraph was a mistake, since it implied a lack of concern for the wrong parts of the paragraph and I did not mean it that way. Understood? Perhaps you should realize that I was responding to your post before your first reply came up - and therefore I didn't see your correction. That does happen sometimes, wouldn't you say? You're the one who said it the wrong way, so it makes no difference to me. She's already in counseling. Then all that I can advise at this point is either patience - which judging by your response to my post, you don't seem to have a great deal of in the first place - or simply to tell her, "Listen, it's been fun but I really don't want any part of you any longer, so bug off, hmm?" -pde.
blind_otter Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Seems like you spend a lot of time focusing on why you dislike this girl. I don't blame you, I do the same thing. But usually I do that because I am pushing a person away for reasons inside of ME, rather than because of any actual defect with the person in question. But that's just me. Seems to me that you're stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place. On the one hand, you need better boundaries with this friend. OTOH, you've seen the fallout from someone who waited too long to establish boundaries and are understandably wary of putting yourself in that position. Can you just wait it out until the end of the semester? Have you discussed these problems with your GF? What does she say about your mutual friend?
Author Artscrafter Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Yeah... You two have it about right, between yourselves. It's not that I don't have any patience with her - on the contrary, I understand the importance of just being there as well as anyone - but it's more like the length of time that this has gone on has worn down the patience I have. Like I mentioned in my first post, part of what makes the whole thing more awkward is that she reminds me that my girlfriend isn't here, and that's got nothing to do with her at all. So there is some of that kind of thing too. When it really comes down to it, behind the impatience and all that, part of the reason why I'm trying to wean her off of being around me so much is actually a pretty caring sort of intention - I've got an automatic escape from her always being around me because I won't be here after this semester, but I'd rather have it that she has other people she can talk to when she needs to, after I'm gone. Liz will most likely be back again after that, and maybe they'll be roommates like we'd planned for this year, but that puts her back in the same, only-one-real-friend-here kind of situation. Edit/PS: Perhaps you should realize that I was responding to your post before your first reply came up - and therefore I didn't see your correction. That does happen sometimes, wouldn't you say? Evidently so, since my terse response was pretty much the same thing. Oops.
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