HilaryQ Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Not sure if this is the right forum, but I am sure I'm heading for a rough ride. I'm not looking for justification, just help Bit of background - in a 20 year relationship, not married, no kids but looked after his daughter until she left home for University.When we first met we were both married, both got divorced and have been together since. Although we have been together for a long time we have some BIG problems, and some have been there for day one. I have repeatedly kicked the relationship around to the point of destruction and I don't know why. Here are some of the worst things I have done. After 2 months together we went to a work meeting and I spent the whole day hanging around with an ex and ignoring my new guy. I kept in touch (by phone) with this ex until my partner made me make a choice - ex or him (I chose him) I refused to make a decision about my divorce and leaving my then husband - keeping new guy hanging on for 4 years until I got another ultimatum. After another 5 years we moved to a new area - great - new start, new friends, so what do I do? Start obsessing about an old friend to the point where our relationship is in danger - this time I stopped myself, but not until a month had passed 6 years later we move again - great new jobs for both of us, he finds out about friend (above) and the relationship disintergrates to the point where he is hitting me, I want to leave because of the violence but as it is my fault I stay and try and work it out. Fast forward 4 years and we are at a stage where we can spend about a week together without him getting angry, we make some new friends and I have an affair with one of them. This time I really did want to leave him but the affair ended without my partner finding out. The other man persuaded me that I should really make it up with my partner and give the relationship another go. Which is what I am doing now. However we talk about splitting up every day. He is hurting and is angry. We fight and argue about half the time. Every time I say I will go so he can live the rest of his life in peace he begs me to stay. I stay because I feel guilty and because I am scared of being alone after all this time. I know I've done wrong - that's not the issue, but what makes me so destructive? I want to be happy but I seem to go out of my way to destroy the relationship every time we get it right. please can anyone help?
Guest Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 You both need to find a good counsellor that specializes in this. Yes..both of you. Physical violence is never ok or the answer. If he doesn't go then you need to for yourself. If he doesn't like it then you need to seperate until you get yourself together. Please remember after any type of betrayal there are three healings taken place. Yours, his and the relationship. Without working on the 1st two how can you save the relationship in a healthy way?
Author HilaryQ Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 Thank you Guest Last night we tried talking again - well I call speaking to each other for 3 hours talking but he says it's not ??? Anyway I said that although the fundamental problem is of my making, and it has to be adressed, we also have the problem that he is so hurt and angry the anger is stopping us moving forward. Well he went APE. He says that he didn't cause the problem (true), he has a right to be angry (true), he'll stay angry for the rest of his life if he wants to (I don't think that would help the healing process in any way) and its not up to him to do anything to sort this out, it's totally my responsibility (I disagree). When I said it was something we have to sort out together because if we are to survive we need to make sure that BOTH of us are happy, he blew his top and suggested I sleep else where. I didn't want the situation to escalate further so I went and slept in the spare room. He won't go to see a counsellor - so how can I explain that I understand the anger is my fault, but it is acting as a barrier in the healing process. Everytime I say it it sounds like I'm ducking my responsibility and pushing it back to him. Thanks for your comments H
Guest Posted February 19, 2007 Posted February 19, 2007 I've recently been cheated on by my girlfriend of 4 years. I relate to what your partner is experiencing, although 20 years of abuse is hard to imagine. He does have a right to be angry, but if he can't come to terms with his anger, and he won't seek council for himself or the relationship, then the relationship should end. He needs council all on his own. He deserves to be free of you, honestly. Over and over again you've disrespected and humiliated him, the best years of his life. He will be happier without you, even if there is a tremendous pain at the point of break. In 2 years he'll be ok. Let him find happiness. Did something happen to you as a child? What is the core issue that has inspired your behavior all these years? You must have some idea already. Seek this root and heal, or die incomplete.
Author HilaryQ Posted February 26, 2007 Author Posted February 26, 2007 Dear Guest Thank you for your mail - it is what I needed to get me thinking. 1. I've recently been cheated on by my girlfriend of 4 years. - I'm sorry to hear that, I hope things are getting better for you. 2. I relate to what your partner is experiencing, although 20 years of abuse is hard to imagine. He does have a right to be angry, but if he can't come to terms with his anger, and he won't seek council for himself or the relationship, then the relationship should end. - I know he has a right to be angry and I know the anger stems from my behaviour, but one of my issues is how he deals with everything. I find it hard to talk it through with him because of the anger. The anger makes me defensive rather than apologetic. When he was really angry he hit me so much - even when I was pregnant (I lost the baby) - and I find it hard to be subserviant now even if I am wrong. However he feels his anger is justified and I have to cope with it. 3. He needs council all on his own. He deserves to be free of you, honestly. Over and over again you've disrespected and humiliated him, the best years of his life. He will be happier without you, even if there is a tremendous pain at the point of break. In 2 years he'll be ok. Let him find happiness. We have only really talked about splitting up in the last year or so. Before then we always tried to make it work,and at times we have been happy. But now we both feel we have wasted our lives and I feel I have wasted his too. As time has gone on we have both done things wrong - it isn't all one sided, and the things are different - he is controlling and I cheat. I am beginning to think this really is a toxic relationship that should end, but 20+ years is a long long time. 4. Did something happen to you as a child? What is the core issue that has inspired your behavior all these years? You must have some idea already. Seek this root and heal, or die incomplete. This is on my mind all the time. Yes I was bullied as a child (I can tell you more if you want), and as a result I am a very insecure person. I have always clung to my partners and I am very scared to be on my own. My father died when I was 28, but I think my character was formed by then. I really need approval from everyone around me, and I suppose one way of getting that is via a sexual flirtateous route. I don't know - does that mean anything? Who should I talk to - whay sort of counsellor do I go to Thank you - you said what I needed - you made me think.
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