sadbuttrue Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 recently i told MM about a SG i had started to see. i was afraid to tell him because i thought it might push him away. at first he did say that he would give my space and let me see who i wanted. i told him that i didnt want to lose him though. well, we had somewhat of a blow-up i guess, and now he tells me that i hurt him when i told him that i was seeing someone else. he understands how ridiculous that sounds when he has a wife at home, but he said he couldnt stand thinking about me with someone else. he said that he was afraid that he was going to lose me. MM has now said that he loves me, which he has never exactly said before. i knew he cared about me, but he had never said the words before now. i told him all the time how much i loved him. i am just afraid now that he is saying that he loves me because he realizes i could have someone else if i wanted, and maybe he thinks that will hold me back?
Guest Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 He feels threatened that the free sex you have been providing will stop once you are involved with single guy. Funny how he is telling you NOW he loves you, now that he is afraid you may put out with someone else.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 He wants you around, but not enough to end his marriage and be with you. He wants to be the ONLY man in your life, yet see you on HIS terms. This is ego driven. Sure, he cares about you, and I'm sure his feelings are abit hurt and he's feeling jealous - But, bottomline the guy is MARRIED and has a WIFE. He has NO right to tell you now he loves you and is scared to lose you. WTF. Doesn't that just piss you off???? Continue seeing the single guy. Slowly detach yourself from the MM, and hpefully one day you won't need him at all.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 The person who has made him feel like a million dollars, is now interested in someone else. It's a kick in the n*ts for him and therefore he uses the one thing that could possibly control the situation but requires no ACTIONS apart from saying three little words..."I love you". I hate to say it, Sadbuttrue but it sounds like a knee-jerk jealous reaction to the possibility that he may not be your number one in your future. Who knows...it may help him to make a few decisions on his own future... Can I ask why you told him? Was it for this reaction, to show him you're moving on? (I don't mean that question the way it sounds, just curious )
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 i know it isnt right for him to expect me to be only his when he is with his wife. we do not get to see each other in the evenings or on weekends, so yes i do get lonely and it is nice to be with SG, who can take me out and call me. but i do think that it is going to make it harder for me now that he has told me that he loves me. i have not had anyone love me in a long time. that is what i have been looking for. and i do think that MM is being a bit manipulative with his "i love you" now that he knows i have been seeing someone else.
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 The person who has made him feel like a million dollars, is now interested in someone else. It's a kick in the n*ts for him and therefore he uses the one thing that could possibly control the situation but requires no ACTIONS apart from saying three little words..."I love you". I hate to say it, Sadbuttrue but it sounds like a knee-jerk jealous reaction to the possibility that he may not be your number one in your future. Who knows...it may help him to make a few decisions on his own future... Can I ask why you told him? Was it for this reaction, to show him you're moving on? (I don't mean that question the way it sounds, just curious ) well, i told him because i didnt want to keep anything from him. i thought he might find out from someone else, i didnt want that to happen. i admit, i wanted him to know that i could have someone else and that his place in my life might be threatened. i would have loved for it to make him make a decision.
Kathleen Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 i know it isnt right for him to expect me to be only his when he is with his wife. we do not get to see each other in the evenings or on weekends, so yes i do get lonely and it is nice to be with SG, who can take me out and call me. but i do think that it is going to make it harder for me now that he has told me that he loves me. i have not had anyone love me in a long time. that is what i have been looking for. and i do think that MM is being a bit manipulative with his "i love you" now that he knows i have been seeing someone else. Sadbuttrue, It looks like you just answered your own question about why your mm says he loves you. You mention he's manipulative. 1st red flag. You say you haven't been loved by anyone in a long time. 2nd red flag. Do you need anymore red flags before you see what his "I Love You" really means?
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I hate to say it, but it sounds like a lot of manouvering and game-playing on every side. So he is scared to lose you (if that is it)... so why don't you just end things with him and start dating SGs and NOT tell him all about it..? Emotional manipulation doesn't look pretty whichever side of the push-me-pull-you you're on. Why not end it, rather than taunt him and analyse his responses..?
Just 'nother MM Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Unfortunately, you used the SG to get at MM. It probably wasn't a good idea, because now your MM is reacting to the possibility of losing you rather than the possibility that he may actually love you. The fear that you may soon be gone is a powerful motivator...but it's not what you wanted, is it? Carefully consider where you are. I agree with the other posters who suggest that you continue to see the SG and allow the MM to make a decision on his own.
Guest Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I think you should continue to see the single guy and just keep it on the down low from the married man. What he doesn't know will not hurt him or you for that matter.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Unfortunately' date=' you used the SG to get at MM. It probably wasn't a good idea, because now your MM is [b']reacting to the possibility of losing you[/b] rather than the possibility that he may actually love you. The fear that you may soon be gone is a powerful motivator...but it's not what you wanted, is it? Carefully consider where you are. I agree with the other posters who suggest that you continue to see the SG and allow the MM to make a decision on his own. Just a general point, and using some of what you said as support. Otherwise known as a thread/jack Some people advocate NC as a way of showing the MM that you're serious/moving on whatever. It's just another form of manipulation unless it's over, JMHO. Isn't NC just a way of getting the MP to react to the fear of losing you..?
Kathleen Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Who ever thought of NC anyway? It IS used as a form of manipulation. So in 10 years do you tell your friends that you ended the relationship forever or that you are still in NC mode?
Just 'nother MM Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Just a general point, and using some of what you said as support. Otherwise known as a thread/jack Some people advocate NC as a way of showing the MM that you're serious/moving on whatever. It's just another form of manipulation unless it's over, JMHO. Isn't NC just a way of getting the MP to react to the fear of losing you..? Hi frannie. I always enjoy reading your posts... Anyway, I think that using NC to generate anxiety or fear in a MP is not the best course of action. It may cause the MP to make a quick, but wrong decision. If the MP suddenly professes undying love for the OP, and the OP continues the R after issuing NC, then the OP loses credibility. Then, when the MP's fear wears off and the his/her normal behavior returns, the OP will have absolutely no options. What will the OP do then, ask for yet another period of NC? NC is hard enough without it being used for manipulative purposes, IMO.
Meredith63 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm sorry sadbuttrue, but I have to agree with everyone else. It appears that your MM is trying to manipulate you into behaving the way that he wants you to (i.e. no SG) by telling you he loves you. Hardly romantic, huh? I know it is painful, but probably best to just get on with your life and SG (s).
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 i am not a game player by nature, but this whole MM R thing is hard to deal with. of course i want him to want to be with me. in a perfect world he would tell his W that he is not happy in their M any longer and be with me. i know that is not what is going to happen, but there is always some kind of hope i guess. i want to believe that he really does love me, just his timing was a little off.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hi frannie. I always enjoy reading your posts... Anyway, I think that using NC to generate anxiety or fear in a MP is not the best course of action. It may cause the MP to make a quick, but wrong decision. If the MP suddenly professes undying love for the OP, and the OP continues the R after issuing NC, then the OP loses credibility. Then, when the MP's fear wears off and the his/her normal behavior returns, the OP will have absolutely no options. What will the OP do then, ask for yet another period of NC? NC is hard enough without it being used for manipulative purposes, IMO. In the olden days, to which I belong... people ended a relationship and then there was some contact or not, or whatever, whenever... and it was still over and that was that. What is all this inability to end a relationship without 'going NC' that we're all expected to do..? Can't we say hello, help each other out of it, be nasty to each other, purposely ignore the other, hope each other fares well.. and whatever. Nowadays it seems it's all 'NC' or nothing. What's the reason for that..? Or was it called something else in my day *creak* and I never realised it..?
Just 'nother MM Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In the olden days, to which I belong... people ended a relationship and then there was some contact or not, or whatever, whenever... and it was still over and that was that. What is all this inability to end a relationship without 'going NC' that we're all expected to do..? Can't we say hello, help each other out of it, be nasty to each other, purposely ignore the other, hope each other fares well.. and whatever. Nowadays it seems it's all 'NC' or nothing. What's the reason for that..? Or was it called something else in my day *creak* and I never realised it..? Hmmm. Popular opinion on LS seems to hold that NC is a necessary step when ending A's. Some folks believe that MP's are in a state of confusion and OP's are in grip of a powerful attraction (or vice versa, or both) and therefore NC is mandatory. Even limited contact is believed to feed the relationship and keep it alive. And after all, we're talking about EMA's, not relationships between 2 single people. Just my two cents...
Meredith63 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hmmm. Popular opinion on LS seems to hold that NC is a necessary step when ending A's. Some folks believe that MP's are in a state of confusion and OP's are in grip of a powerful attraction (or vice versa, or both) and therefore NC is mandatory. Even limited contact is believed to feed the relationship and keep it alive. And after all, we're talking about EMA's, not relationships between 2 single people. Just my two cents... ..... SAD. I have always thought NC is a form of manipulation. And - I think more people should treat their EMA just like any other R. Create boundaries, set expectations on how you will be treated and what you will / won't accept. IMHO, being married is no excuse for being an a&&hole.
Just 'nother MM Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 ..... SAD. I have always thought NC is a form of manipulation. And - I think more people should treat their EMA just like any other R. Create boundaries, set expectations on how you will be treated and what you will / won't accept. IMHO, being married is no excuse for being an a&&hole. Agreed - IMO, NC is a form of manipulation if the person asking for it does not really want it, but is using it to compel a decision by, or the change the behavior of, another person. As we all know, a&&holes come in all shapes and sizes.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hmmm. Popular opinion on LS seems to hold that NC is a necessary step when ending A's. Some folks believe that MP's are in a state of confusion and OP's are in grip of a powerful attraction (or vice versa, or both) and therefore NC is mandatory. Even limited contact is believed to feed the relationship and keep it alive. And after all, we're talking about EMA's, not relationships between 2 single people. Just my two cents... Good point... or it would be except NC isn't only applied to Affairs, but to many relationships all over LS. Take a look on the rest of the site. To my mind it's similar to the '180degrees' and 'Plan A' and 'Plan B' stuff that's suggested for BSs who want to win back a spouse they were never all that much interested in before they decided to make a break. Seems the whole world (or just LS?) is 'manipulate your ex' crazy at times.
serial muse Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I’m finding this discussion about NC interesting, from the standpoint of any breakup. I mean, I get what you all are saying, and it's very high-minded to want to avoid any kind of manipulation of another person. Of course, we should all strive to do that. But I admit that I find it a little unrealistic. For example, I wholeheartedly agree that the purpose of NC is to heal yourself, not to goad another person into changing their mind. However, wouldn't you consider "setting boundaries" as essentially intentionally influencing the behavior of someone toward you? In other words, couldn’t you make the case that saying, ‘I won’t be treated like that, and if I am, I’m out of here’ is essentially a threat designed to influence the behavior of another? I'm just saying. People are human, so it's all very well to appreciate absolutes, but we all try to subtly manipulate each other. That's life. In defense of NC - of course, people who are clinging to hope will see it as a way to influence the object of their desire. But I think the real purpose of NC is precisely the opposite - in fact, it is to do the high-minded thing you're talking about: it helps to simultaneously avoid being influenced by, and attempting to influence, the person you're cutting ties with. NC just helps you avoid that temptation. If you don't need that little help, then you're a stronger person than me. Or you're already emotionally disengaged from the relationship anyway.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I think, serial muse, that if you're doing something FOR YOU, rather than trying to manipulate someone else, then it's an OK thing to be doing. NC should be for healing and distance... not to 'make the other person miss you. Dating again should be because you want to get yourself out there... not to make someone jealous. 180s and Plan A and Plan B etc. well I do have a problem with those, because I do see those as essentially really manipulative.
puddleofmud Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Sad: have yourself a wonderful time dating and discovering as you are SINGLE. Many many men will and should fall in love with you! Your possibilities are endless, and you have all the time in the world to have great fun and be happy--to decide what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. Take your time, be "picky" and pick the best one for YOU! PERIOD! Hugs to you!
Author sadbuttrue Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Sad: have yourself a wonderful time dating and discovering as you are SINGLE. Many many men will and should fall in love with you! Your possibilities are endless, and you have all the time in the world to have great fun and be happy--to decide what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. Take your time, be "picky" and pick the best one for YOU! PERIOD! Hugs to you! thank you so much puddle. i really appreciate your kind words. i am working on making my life better.
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