prfrogkisser Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 To all Good Morning: I havent been on here for a while and I express many thanks as always to all who will open my eyes and offer all kind of insight as to my thread. Life has been good to me. Things at work have been better adn family and friends are awesome but Ive noticed that my emotional side has been out of wack. My last real date was last year and after going through the ordeal of being for a few months with a man who wasnt emotionally open to me I decided to break it up. I have meet other people but, I really didnt date anyone. This last person came back into my life last August and he is trying real hard to as i feel get me back. I was very honest and told him how hurt I was and how i still feel bitter and upset about the hurt and pain I went through. So we have been going out. We never talk about being in a realtionship so I feel its like a companionship thing. Ive been meeting other people but Ive noticed that I just talk with guys not really dating. Im concern about this. My behavior has changed towards men in general and Ive been told by my closew friends im very picky and high maintenance now. I know what I want from a man. My needs and wants but when I meet a man i feel he is not good enough, this is a waste of time or i cant wait to be married. Im trying to relax and actually start dating.Am i taking dating too serious lately. Is my clock ticking because im going to be 38? I do feel sometimes the urgency to date..like time is running out on me. I usually meet people and have a great time now im easily hurt, have expexctations or Ive been told Im too harsh towards the men I meet. I have no clue whats going on so Im wondering if anyone has gone through this emotional rollercoaster. Thanks once again for letting me vent
silentcharon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 No, I don't think there is anything wrong with being picky with men. I also have this problem now, after my most recent ex. I didn't date for a year after my ex of 7 years, with a brief hook up for a week in between. I thought I found someone a couple of months ago- we both were interested, and it was wonderful. He had all the same qualities that my ex had, so I thought it had a potential for a long term relationship. In the end, he broke up with me because he wanted to date casually (which kind of pissed me off, because I had no idea that was what he was looking for.). Because of this, I now know that I should bring up my expectations, what I am looking for right now- and see what the guy has to say about that, before anything gets serious on either one of our ends. I know I should probably become a serial dater, because I'm only 23, but I don't want to. I already know what I want, so I don't think I need to be a serial dater. If anyone doesn't fit the bill, in combination of whatever they want the same thing in a relationship that I do, if it won't work out, I don't waste my or his time and end it. I however, certainly have learned something from the most recent ex of mine. While he certainly didn't have everything that I wanted in a man, nor did he have everything that my ex had, I realized that there are trade offs in each individual I meet. It's up to me to decide whether the pros/cons are worth my time. You have to know that your perfect 'total package' doesn't exist. There's nothing wrong with being picky, as long as you're willing to compromise. By no means this means settling down for the 'second best', it just means that nobody possesses all the qualities you want at 100%. For instance, the way I look at it, look at man A and B- Levels of Confidence, and Money: A: 80% confidence, 20% money: Confident, funny, outgoing man who doesn't make that much money. B: 20% confidence, 80% money: doesn't have much confidence, generally shy, difficult to make conversations, socially inept, but makes loads of money. My ideal man would have both- an income that would prove that he can support a family in the long run, etc, etc, who is confident in everything he does, who is sure of what he wants. But I realize this isn't possible- so I must make a trade off. Money has never been a factor in relationships for me, not a necessity but it's nice. Confidence, however, is important to me. I would settle for A, because I would rather have a great time with him, share loads of laughs and good times with him, than B, having it feel "forced" with him, having a hard time conversing with him because he's not that confident. I don't think this makes me picky, I just know what I want in a man, if he fits the bill, I'll go with him, even though he doesn't fulfill my dream man profile. All that matters that if I know I'll be happy with him, why not? Hope this helps.
Walk Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Maybe it's not that you're being "picky", but scared of being hurt again and you're picking reasons not to get attached? Seeing the negatives in order to avoid the possibility of falling for someone again? It seems like there's more going on then you're admitting to yourself. If you were just picky, then it wouldn't seem like it would cause so much confusion. You'd know that the men weren't what you wanted, and you'd alter your actions in order to attempt to find a man who would meet your criteria. You wouldnt' continue to go out with a man who wasn't meeting your stated desires either. (at least, that's the rational seeming logic. Not that it usually works that way though) I guess I could see if it was just overly picky if you were coming across as though you were gods gift to the earth, and you demanded a man who was perfect too. But I really didn't get that from your post.
Author prfrogkisser Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Thank you so much for your sincere advice. I know i need to take it easy and that yes believe it or not I do have issues. Fear of abandoment since ive been hurt by my Dad who left my mom and those were tough times, my husband who left me for another woman and the love of my life who was send to Korea for a year which left me devastated. Im gonna take it day by day and try not to freak out. Dating was never an issue for me before and I feel im being to tough on myself and others because Im trying to leave my guard down while at the same time I trust no man. Maybe ill read dating for dummies lol:D
Author prfrogkisser Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Thank you so much for your sincere advice. I know i need to take it easy and that yes believe it or not I do have issues. Fear of abandoment since ive been hurt by my Dad who left my mom and those were tough times, my husband who left me for another woman and the love of my life who was send to Korea for a year which left me devastated. Im gonna take it day by day and try not to freak out. Dating was never an issue for me before and I feel im being to tough on myself and others because Im trying to leave my guard down while at the same time I trust no man. Maybe ill read dating for dummies lol:D
Recommended Posts