insomnie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 My boyfriend told me this weekend that he thinks he loves me uncondtionally. That there is nothing I can do to make him judge me or stop caring about me. He said he wasn't sure whether or not this was good as unconditional means he is not constantly on his toes about me since I can do pretty much anything and his feelings don't change. He is afraid that with this kind of relationship I will start to think he takes me for granted. Not exactly sure what he meant, but anyway. My questions. Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental? We broke up recently for two months but got back together and have basically morphed into being best friends that are relaly affectionate, take care of each other, spend almost every moment together, and have sex. I've definitely never loved him (or anyone) more than I do now but it's almost like my feelings have changed into very familial ones (esp. after a recent crisis we went through together), although of course I am still highly attracted to him. I guess I am just afraid to go down this path because I worry he will miss that butterfly passion that comes from not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve.... I'm know being unclear but it's because I've never been in this part of a relationship before. He is my first real boyfriend and previously, after the honeymoon phase (which lasted more than a year with him and was GREAT), I think our relationship consisted of unmet expectations on both sides. We didn't know how to handle not being in the honeymoon phase anymore and eventually the stress of that broke us up. Now we are back together and it is completley changed and I am not sure what to make of it. I am hoping someone with more experience who has gone through this kind of thing will tell me what is happening.
justagirlforever Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental? I guess I am just afraid to go down this path because I worry he will miss that butterfly passion that comes from not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve I cannot have a committed long term relationship without giving and also receiving unconditional love. It's not something that happens overnight - but evolves over a period of time. Why would one want to wonder "what's up the other person's sleeve"? That sounds a bit sinister and a bit hidden-agenda-like. I still had that excited "love" and "in love" feeling - and probably even more so - once I felt that unconditional love. And that just grew over time. BUT - I strongly believe that only those who truly love and accept themselves unconditionally can do so in return.
blind_otter Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I don't think unconditional love is so much a goal as a sort of by-product of having long term intimacy with someone. And IMO it's always a good thing to have unconditional love. But as states above a necessary pre-requisite is the ability to unconditionally love yourself. that has to happen before you can love anyone else unconditionally. To me, not knowing what is up the other person's sleeve is kind of anxiety inducing, so I can't really say that's something I've ever sought to preserve in a relationship.
allina Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I don't think there is something like true unconditional love, maybe the love for a child but not in romantic relationships, it's just a romantic ideal.
Krytellan Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Do you think unconditional love is the ultimate goal in relationships? Is it important in a long-term one, or can it be detrimental? I think it's not so much a goal as it is a necessary ingredient of a successful relationship.
Craig Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I doubt that I would experience any kind of positive emotion towards any person who would consciously and repeatedly harm others. To everyone that believes in unconditional love in a romantic relationship...does that mean, for example, that you will and would love your SO that repeatedly cheats on you, repeatedly puts you down publicly and privately, repeatedly punches you in your face and so on...well does it? If your answer to the above question is "yes" then tell me what that says about your unconditional love for yourself that you would allow someone else to treat you so badly and still love them "unconditionally." --------------------------------------------------------- Don't drink the koolaid
Krytellan Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 To everyone that believes in unconditional love in a romantic relationship...does that mean, for example, that you will and would love your SO that repeatedly cheats on you, repeatedly puts you down publicly and privately, repeatedly punches you in your face and so on...well does it? If your answer to the above question is "yes" then tell me what that says about your unconditional love for yourself that you would allow someone else to treat you so badly and still love them "unconditionally." This is a very silly comment. Of course it doesn't mean that. In order to maintain UL, each partner must act in a way that can perpetuate it. There are responsibilities that come with UL, it's not something that is just bestowed on someone for no reason. The term unconditional love does not apply to "events" that can occur and ruin a relationhip. It applies to more static traits and qualities. To unconditionally love someone, you love their personality, faults, weaknesses, appearance, and silly quirks. Once an event occurs that is disruptive to a relationaship, UL goes out the window... ...or at leat it should more often than it seems to. Some people hang on too long.
Craig Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Once an event occurs that is disruptive to a relationaship, UL goes out the window... You are saying that unconditional love is conditional. That is why I'm saying I don't believe in the concept.
justagirlforever Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Well said Krytellan and Craig - of course it doesn't mean any of those things. Unconditional love has many facets - of which mutual respect, trust, support, love & understanding, as well as acceptance of each other's "faults" (for want of a better word) are a few of those facets. But Craig - that's fine if you don't believe in it. You will no doubt have relationships on the same "understanding". Each to their own....
Krytellan Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 You are saying that unconditional love is conditional. That is why I'm saying I don't believe in the concept. Well, I think we can agree that this discussion is useless. I concede.
magichands Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 It's a great trick to use so that you don't have to get married to them. Works every time. "We don't need a piece of paper - I love you unconditionally." Of course, you can love one unconditionally whilst banging another. No conflict.
tanbark813 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 This is a very silly comment. Of course it doesn't mean that. In order to maintain UL, each partner must act in a way that can perpetuate it. There are responsibilities that come with UL, it's not something that is just bestowed on someone for no reason. Then it's conditional upon those actions, responsibilities, and reasons.
Crazy Eddie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I can think I love someone unconditionally... that means that I'll love a person that isn't the type of person to get violent against me, betray me, become my enemy, mistreat my kids, and so on, no matter what happens to her. If she gets sick or injured and can't do things that she used to do, I'll still stick with her and take care of her and do whatever she needs done. But if she turns into a different person, or I discover that I was wrong about the type of person she was, and she does deliberately mistreat me in some serious way that I thought she wouldn't be capable of, then I'd have to move on. That's what is really meant by unconditional love... I love the person that I think you are unconditionally. If I'm right, then I'm yours for life, come what may.
tanbark813 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 If I'm right, then I'm yours for life, come what may. Then it's conditional upon you being right.
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 don't be available for him 24/7. Don't spend all weekend with him. Have other plans. See him no more than 2 times a week. Don't call him. Let him call you. Return calls every once in a while. Don't tell him everything and everyone you do other things with like go to movies, etc. Be nice to him, of course.....but don't be so available. He is getting too familiar with you and bored. There's no mystery left about you, there's nothing new for him to learn about you. The 'chase' and excitement is gone. Have other plans on Friday nights sometimes, don't have a routine of automatically spending it with him. Gotta shake things up a bit and get him wondering....get The Rules. Do these things, you will be a more independent woman with your own interests who doesn't hang around constantly with her boyfriend and become too familiar (and boring) to him. It's not playing games, it's becoming your own person. Yes, you can (and should) use the rules even if you have been together a long time, even after married. They will work. I have been doing this on a guy I have been seeing a month and he has already called me his girlfriend and calls me a few times a day. Drives him crazy that I am not so predictable and not falling all over him and chasing him like he's used to (he's rich & good looking so he's got lots of women after him) and not calling him. You have to get this feeling with this guy because right now, I'm sorry, in about 6 months he's going to break up with you, as magichands said...he's not thinking marriage with you.
magichands Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then it's conditional upon you being right. :lmao: Funny, but oh-so true.
Arianna72 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 If you are saying "I Love You", until/unless you cheat on me, hurt me, etc. etc. you are placing conditions on your love and it is no longer unconditional. Of course there is always the case of loving someone and still recognizing they aren't good for you and leaving but eventually those feelings of love fade. In the end I am not sure if "unconditional love" applies to romantic relationships and if it does for some I am not so sure it should or is healthy. Those of us who have children we love know what unconditional love is. I can not think of ANYTHING my son could do that would make me ever leave him/turn my back on him.
justagirlforever Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 See him no more than 2 times a week. Don't call him. Let him call you. Return calls every once in a while. Don't tell him everything and everyone you do other things with like go to movies, etc. Be nice to him, of course.....but don't be so available. He is getting too familiar with you and bored. There's no mystery left about you, there's nothing new for him to learn about you. The 'chase' and excitement is gone. Have other plans on Friday nights sometimes, don't have a routine of automatically spending it with him. Gotta shake things up a bit and get him wondering....get The Rules. Do these things, you will be a more independent woman with your own interests who doesn't hang around constantly with her boyfriend and become too familiar (and boring) to him. It's not playing games, it's becoming your own person. Yes, you can (and should) use the rules even if you have been together a long time, even after married. They will work. I have been doing this on a guy I have been seeing a month and he has already called me his girlfriend and calls me a few times a day. Drives him crazy that I am not so predictable and not falling all over him and chasing him like he's used to (he's rich & good looking so he's got lots of women after him) and not calling him. You have to get this feeling with this guy because right now, I'm sorry, in about 6 months he's going to break up with you, as magichands said...he's not thinking marriage with you. I'm sorry - but in my books, that's called playing games. And an utter waste of time. It sounds like he's the one that needs to chase like a dog. And for what? An occasional bone? Certainly not the type of relationship I've ever had or ever will have. No time for such nonesense and games. However I do agree that each individual person should lead their own lives (as well as respecting the other's) and not be dependant upon the other to fulfill their life. In otherwords - each person in a realtionships should *have* a life.
Great Gazoo Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Unconditional love is overrated anyways, in reality I don't think it exists.
Topper Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 The total Package If some guy was doing that to one of your girlfriends I bet you would be telling her She should dump him. You would be right, he is a player. But the best hide the puppet strings well. But your strategy does work to a degree. See a guy who is doing this only has a short term goal. He has no long term plans. If you do have a long term goal at some point your puppet is going to wake up and cut the strings. When and if that should happen we will see you back here with " Why did he dump me thread." Just something for you to think about.
Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 If you are saying "I Love You", until/unless you cheat on me, hurt me, etc. etc. you are placing conditions on your love and it is no longer unconditional. Of course there is always the case of loving someone and still recognizing they aren't good for you and leaving but eventually those feelings of love fade. In the end I am not sure if "unconditional love" applies to romantic relationships and if it does for some I am not so sure it should or is healthy. Those of us who have children we love know what unconditional love is. I can not think of ANYTHING my son could do that would make me ever leave him/turn my back on him. I agree. Craig, Tanny, and Arianna are right, K is wrong. If there is ANYTHING a person could do or not do that would make you love them less, not want to be with them, etc., then your love is NOT unconditional, because there are conditions on the continuation of your love for them. I just don't see how the concept of unconditional love can ever, ever, ever apply to romantic relationships. It doesn't make sense. I don't have a child, but I imagine the only sort of unconditional love available is that for a child, and perhaps other family members. I don't think there is ANYTHING I could do that would ever make my mother love me any less - THAT is unconditional love.
Krytellan Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I agree. Craig, Tanny, and Arianna are right, K is wrong. Very well. I walk away with my tail between my legs to fight another day.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 [Guys don't do it to girls....Guys pursue women, you are doing them a gift when you aren't so available to them and leave some mystery and aren't dying to see them. If you call them and return every call, you become a cling-on, and guys won't commit to that. Guys commit to women whose world doesn't revolve around....the guy. It's great because a guy ends up respecting you and actually loving you more, and you GET the commitment from the guy (if you continue having your own life and giving him the gift of going after you.) quote=Topper;1085472]The total Package If some guy was doing that to one of your girlfriends I bet you would be telling her She should dump him. You would be right, he is a player. But the best hide the puppet strings well. But your strategy does work to a degree. See a guy who is doing this only has a short term goal. He has no long term plans. If you do have a long term goal at some point your puppet is going to wake up and cut the strings. When and if that should happen we will see you back here with " Why did he dump me thread." Just something for you to think about.
the_total_package Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Have fun with your cling-on dream woman. Cause you're gonna be hearing from her and seeing her...a LOT...cause she doesn't have a life. If you say so.
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