polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hi all, I have posted on my earlier threads that my 9yr LTR ended a month ago (he broke up with me). I moved into his house 8 years ago, and must eventually move out. I have been actively looking for a new place, but haven't found anything yet. We aren't married on paper, but it has been like a marriage. Here's where I'd like your advice and input. I have a ton of my stuff here; most of the furniture is mine, all of the arwork on the walls, loads of kitchen stuff, etc. etc... a houseful of stuff, basicly. At this point I look around and feel overwhelmed by it. A large part of this is my own grieving over losing the home that I have made, and the end of something I thought I'd have forever. Another part is how overwhelming it feels to have to pack it all up. It's only been a month, so I am really in the early stages of coping with my feelings about losing him and this. I know others of you have been through this, and am wondering if you can offer any advice on how to cope, practical ideas on where to start with dealing. I am tempted to start packing it up, but have no idea how much longer I will be here; for now it's still my home, and I fear that emotionally living among packed boxes will just make me sadder and more scared. Yet I need to start thinking about it. Any advice & support would be appreciated, especially from those of you've been through this. Thanks for reading.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Have you seen an attorney? I think in most states you'd probably qualify as a common law wife. You've invested eight years in this home. Did you pay toward the mortgage or make improvements? And if so, is there any compensation being offered? I don't want to get you all wound up, I really don't know if there's anything the common law wife can do. But, I think if it were me... I might talk it over with a lawyer, just to make sure I wasn't losing my shirt.
silentcharon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hi Polywog, I was also in a ltr for 7 years. It was I who had to move out as well, I was also in the middle of applying to uni. So not only I had to deal with that, I also had to find the time to go to work. It was a very stressful time for me, add the emotional crap from the break up, I think it was the worst time of my life ever. I remember that I cried as I packed up things into boxes, photos, things we had gotten on our vacations together, and so on. It was very nerve wracking. We weren't married either, but we were certainly common law, so it was like a marriage for us. I don't know if this will help, but it's certainly a idea for you. Set aside some time each day to pack up. I chose a hour, a certain amount of time that I could tolerate packing up each day. Don't worry too much about the furniture, when you find a place they will be the last to go. I was out in the end of the month with my necessities- I moved into an apartment temporarily with a friend. I left behind my couches, tv, so on, but took all of my clothes, pictures, bed etc. When I found a permanent place for myself, it was then I came to get my furniture. I know it isn't easy, but we all must go through this at some point of our lives. It took me approximately a month to move everything out, over the course of three. Whatever you do, don't leave a thing behind- don't let yourself fall in the trap of purposely leaving something behind as a reason for you to contact your ex again. Make it clean and dignified. Good luck, you'll need it.
Author polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thanks LJ, No, I don't think that I qualify for a common-law wife. My SO is actually still married to a woman he hasn't seen in 10 years, but that's another story. I did not contribute financially to the home except to pay some bills (all in his name) from time to time. I paid for all the food and housekeeping stuff, made it a home, that sort of thing. He is willing to help me financially with moving, and is not rushing me to move out until I find a place. He doesn't have a lot of money, was always fair and generous with me and I don't have any desire to take it to a lawyer. This thread for me is mainly to get some help with coping for the emotional and practical aspects of moving that I will have to do, but thanks for your input .
Author polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Hi Polywog, I was also in a ltr for 7 years. It was I who had to move out as well, I was also in the middle of applying to uni. So not only I had to deal with that, I also had to find the time to go to work. It was a very stressful time for me, add the emotional crap from the break up, I think it was the worst time of my life ever. I remember that I cried as I packed up things into boxes, photos, things we had gotten on our vacations together, and so on. It was very nerve wracking. We weren't married either, but we were certainly common law, so it was like a marriage for us. I don't know if this will help, but it's certainly a idea for you. Set aside some time each day to pack up. I chose a hour, a certain amount of time that I could tolerate packing up each day. Don't worry too much about the furniture, when you find a place they will be the last to go. I was out in the end of the month with my necessities- I moved into an apartment temporarily with a friend. I left behind my couches, tv, so on, but took all of my clothes, pictures, bed etc. When I found a permanent place for myself, it was then I came to get my furniture. I know it isn't easy, but we all must go through this at some point of our lives. It took me approximately a month to move everything out, over the course of three. Whatever you do, don't leave a thing behind- don't let yourself fall in the trap of purposely leaving something behind as a reason for you to contact your ex again. Make it clean and dignified. Good luck, you'll need it. Thanks Silentcharon, That's great advice. And that it comes from someone who's been there really helps. I got sick just reading your post, but geez, it's sickening to have to go through this... just gotta do it, tho.
silentcharon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Aw, Poly, my intention was not to make you sick. I know it's sickening, but there is strength in yourself and you have to find it to go through it. I haven't been reading your threads, so I don't know the reason for your break up. Take comfort that your ex is willing to help you out a bit, I was lucky that my ex was willing to help a little because he knew it was hard on me. Not everyone is fortunate. Use that to your advantage and get out as soon as you can, for everyone's sake as well as yours! You can do this. My heart goes out to you.
Author polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Aw, Poly, my intention was not to make you sick. I know it's sickening, but there is strength in yourself and you have to find it to go through it. I haven't been reading your threads, so I don't know the reason for your break up. Take comfort that your ex is willing to help you out a bit, I was lucky that my ex was willing to help a little because he knew it was hard on me. Not everyone is fortunate. Use that to your advantage and get out as soon as you can, for everyone's sake as well as yours! You can do this. My heart goes out to you. Aw, I know you did not intend to make me sick, Silentcharon... It's just that your story is so similar to mine and I have so much empathy that I got a little stomach ache reading it! It was/is very helpful, what you posted. The reasons for the break-up was just the "I'm not in love with you and this realtionship has been going on too long" sort of thing with a few other things thrown in.... not an OW or anything, maybe MLC. Who knows. I've actually been in a similar position before, having gone through a divorce several years ago. That time it was only an apartment and the H moved out, I grieved and survived and it made me stronger. But this has been longer, and I love(d) my life with him here, I thought this was IT, and it's not so hence all my freaking out feelings. I know I'll survive, but geez I just hate this.
LakesideDream Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 The advice on preparation and packing you have been getting is all spot on. There is a horrible moral to your story to consider. Seven years and no marriage? By being his live in lady, housekeeper, cook, and lover you squandered nearly all your rights. There are numerous reasons for being married when in a LTR. Your undoubtely realize that now. The fact that is possible for him to "cast you adrift" without consideration or compensation is just one of them.
Author polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 The advice on preparation and packing you have been getting is all spot on. There is a horrible moral to your story to consider. Seven years and no marriage? By being his live in lady, housekeeper, cook, and lover you squandered nearly all your rights. There are numerous reasons for being married when in a LTR. Your undoubtely realize that now. The fact that is possible for him to "cast you adrift" without consideration or compensation is just one of them. Yes, I was aware of all this all along, I'm not caught by surprise or anything, and have been aware of the consequences should we ever split. It was a risk I knowingly took. We live in a community where there are lots of us in untraditional unions, like ours. In any case, he does not have much to compensate me with financially. We are "the working poor, bohemian types", and though he owns his house, I'd never consider anything like making him sell it to give me $$. My years with him offered me a lot of comfort, and that's enough for me.
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