Guest Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hey guys im new here, I have been reading the posts on this site for the last two weeks. I have been trying to find some answers for my LDR issues. My problem is that I dumped my girlfriend of 4 years because of lack of communication. We were both living in NYC when we started to date in 2000 and I left for college in 2002 (Florida). The problems started in 2003 when she just didnt return calls at all or on time. It wasnt like we needed to speak everyday but contact once or twice a week was agreed on. In fact I made it clear that lack of communication would cause one or both of us to become estranged from the other. She agreed. Well sure enough she began to not take my calls. I would go 2 weeks without hearing from her and when she did call she would sound as if she rushed to call me back which irritated me. She knows this makes me so angry yet she kept doing this. I felt like I was no longer part of her life, no longer a priority....eventually I stopped calling because my love for her was just dying. The more she disrespected me the less I wanted her to be in my life. I confronted her on the issue once again a few months before dumping her in jan of this year. Her response is that she hates talking on the phone but that she has made improvments in such areas which is true. So I asked her how else are we going to keep in touch? She really didnt have the answer for that one. The next few months we visited each other in our respctive cities back and forth. However the lapses in communication still existed 2 weeks here, 2 weeks there...I began to notice a strange pattern and decided soon at some point I was gonna dump her and tell her why. I waited until Jan. I called her up and told her (after yet another 2 week absence in my life) that what was bothering me was not addressed and that I wouldnt stay in the relationship any longer. She cried and then got angry...she accussed me of leaving her because we didnt have sex (completely untrue..the sex part could be worked on-she had some issues, but that was not the reason I was leaving). She also thought there was someone else (also untrue). The person she thought it was, was actually a female friend who listened to me and was there for me to talk to, but there was no romance, no sex. It was strictly a friendship, and still is. By the end of the call she accepted it. Well the next day we talked again. She called and we talked about certain things ( I left a few things at her place in NYC, I didnt think I was gonna get them back but she seemed willing to let me have them). Eventually she brought up the night before and I explained to her that the only way I would swallow my pride and ask her back was if she stopped disrespecting me the way she does. To be honest when i think of her I get filled with anger but I do still love her but this is madness. She went on about me dumping her over the phone not being right and that if felt this way since sept of last year why didnt i do it then. She attempted to make me the bad guy but Im not the one who neglected our relationship, im not perfect but I put more effort into it which she admitted. What do I do? After that last call she waited a week before calling me again. We talked on sat and she said she would call me that night. Its Monday freaking morning. She has a major problem returning calls and even when we are broken up she still does it!!!! I no longer know whether anything I do is right. I am very confused and upset and angry.
thatmatt Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I'm sorry to hear that man. To me it sounds like she strung you along, especially if she had thoughts of breaking up with you months earlier. And two weeks no contact with no reason is absurd. It is okay to be angry, she really should have told you she needed space or wasn't really feeling the relationship. I know with college theres classes and everything, and conflicting schedules, but two weeks with no contact? It takes 1 minute (not even that!) to call and say "i love you", to send a text message. 10 minutes on the phone or an email or something everyday. What is it like when you talk? Maybe she feels left behind, because you went out of state and she stayed in-state, so she's punishing you, hoping that you'll miss her so much you'll come running after her? It sounds like she either has issues that she hasn't communicated to you or she's just playing you. However, you said that your love for her is dying. I understand that, my girlfriend put me through so much **** during our LDR that when she came back for christmas, all those feelings of love and support were replaced with anger and hurt. how much longer are you going to school, and are you staying in florida or going back to new york? I hope some of this helps.
jebo Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hey its me I will graduate in 09 possibly 08 depends on me taking a trip to Europe or not. We tried to work it out tonight..I got a hold of her and well since i dumped her and she wasnt happy about it. She took the opportunity of working me back up to thinking it could work and then basically said on second thought she cant get hurt like that again ( she did a reverse dump in effect). It was at that moment that I realized she was probably always going to inflict pain on me. I told her than that if this is the end then I will need my space. She thought I was having an attitude problem, but I insisted that Im not gonna sit there with a big smile on my face now that I have lost someone I love. Its just futile. She wants to be friends and kept asking me if we will speak again. I told her I do not know and to throw anything I left out in trash or sell it..just as long as she doesnt contact me (thats what she is looking for, I dont know why). I think she really enjoys this. She giggled a little. I dont know what I have taken out of this 4 year long relationship except for the fact that im angry and once the anger fades there will be a lot of tears. I guess im glad I know now what I really meant to her. This is the strangest moment in my life. I communicated, I gave it my best shot, I admitted and worked on my flaws and yet I was still punished....I dont think I will ever understand what happened tonight..but im glad its over. My home is NYC I just hope that I never bump into her again.....thats all I can hope.
jebo Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Thanks for the encouragment and helping me to understand what I felt and expected was perfectly ok.
thatmatt Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 sorry to hear that it ended, but I think you made the right decision. It sounds like from her response that she can be a manipulative person, it sounds a lot like my last relationship. It's hard to accept that you gave so much to a person who used emotions in order to have control. I know for me the scary thing was that I had given so much time and energy to this person, and it's all too easy to feel like you wasted a big part of your life. But that's definitly not the case! You've got a lot ahead of you, a couple years of college to explore and find yourself, and a possible trip to europe in the works. There will come a time when you realize all the things you took from this relationship, all the lessons you learned, not only about life, love, and relationships, but about yourself. I wish you the best of luck!
jebo Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 She called me up last week and wants to come back. I have had time to think. I do want her back but Im a little wary. I dont want her to change I just want some effort on her part to make it work and I have explained that. There is almost no way for me to guage just how serious she is over the phone. She expressed me to me once again that she is sorry and would like to try to fix things. We had a great conversation last week. We dated 4 years before this. I felt like a quitter when I left. She has some issues we have to work on but I just do not know if I should let her come back. Do i forget the quirk that drove me mad in the first place ( I think i am only capable of this now that we have had that conversation last week since we have been apart for a total of a few weeks) until i move back? I do love this woman. She does say she would go to counseling for the sexual problems and communication problems. Are we too young to do this? I have not dated a whole lot of women, I always seem to get the headcases who have something in their closet and I dont notice or find out for a while and they all seem like really nice girls. She is the only one to date that even wants to try and work it out. The others were so messed up they apologized and tried to work it out only when i had been long gone (1 year). Is there a question I can ask that will make her uncomfortable enough to answer in such a way that i can guage whether this is for real or not. People can want to improve but I find its usually not until they have to pay a hefty price.
thatmatt Posted February 22, 2007 Posted February 22, 2007 First, I don't consider you a quitter. It can seem that way sometimes, because 4 years is a long time, and it dissolving in a matter of weeks or months is hard to grasp, but it does happen, especially with distance. You said you weren't really sure how dedicated she sounded over the phone. Did she drop hints of being emotionally distraut, lost, depressed, etc without you in her life? On one hand I'm thinking that she realized what life was like without you, and has realized how much she wants and needs you, how desperate she is to have you back. But if you've only been out of contact for a couple weeks (i'm guessing since you last posted), how is she missing you now, but all the times she wouldn't contact for 2 weeks at a time she was fine. I'm wondering if she wants you back because she's afraid you'll find someone else, but she does say she's willing to go to counciling for issues she's having. I think there was definitly a communication gap between you two, could it be she resents something, either your female friend or something else, and in this resentment doesn't want to talk to you? My hope is that maybe she has issues that cause her to gap communication with you, issues that maybe she doesn't really realize, and can work on in therapy. I think if you really love her, and are over the anger with her (however, it is perfectly okay for you to be cautious), I think this can definitly be worked out. Relationships are built on communication, and 4 years wouldn't be possible without communication. Perhaps she could start counciling, and if she is improving, both of you can go together when you get together, I am just wondering if there's issues that she's not communicating to you, feelings, etc that are the cause of these gaps. But whatever you do, remain cautious, and remember what you've learned from all of this. You now have an idea of signs to look for, etc. I think there are a lot of unanswered questions here, but I wish you the best in working things out (if you decide to take her back) and answering those questions!
jebo Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 So far its working..she seems to be really trying to communicate. Im still wary and let her know she has my support and time but I will not be around forever waiting for her to get herself together (was that harsh?)new questions keep coming up with this. She is gonna mess up I know she is. It happens. When people try to correct bad habits they slip up sometimes. How much of a tolerance do you show people who you see are trying? When do I let go and leave it up to her or do I ever let go until its truly taken care of? I dont want her to be dependent on me saying "your doing it again" or "we both have to work it at it to get back what made us happy." We will seek therapy but until then What do you think is the correct approach to helping someone who seems willing to fix what broke us apart. I dont want to be a drill seargant if you follow what im saying.
thatmatt Posted February 23, 2007 Posted February 23, 2007 Even though it's been a couple of weeks, it seems like there is still some anger on your part, which is understandable, 4 years and she tried to play it off like it was nothing. The thing here is I don't really know where you begin to start rebuilding this, all I know is that she is going to have to make strides to correct her bad communication habits, and you're going to have to trust her and put yourself out there, which I know is hard and probably seems very intimidating at this point, in order to give this it's best shot. As i've said before, you've seen this happening for a couple months, you know to a certain extent what this situation (the two week gaps, etc) look like, and although I think you will have to be patient with her, you will also have to learn to address problems with her, and she with you, as that is a huge part of communicating in a relationship. IF she pulls another two week absence like before, in which you've tried contacting her, etc, I think that's it. Don't use ending the relationship as a threat to motivate her, all you can do if you decide to try is trust her and hold up your end of the deal. If she comes through, then great, and your relationship will benefit from it. If she doesn't, then although you've lost a little time, you'll have gained a lot of experience and knowledge, and chances are you will have more closure knowing that you did everything possible on your part, you stuck it out, etc. hope this helps
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