freakygal78 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 OK maybe this is a plain and simple NO answer but since I have started dating a second SG since MM only had an (emotional) affair, do you think it would be fair to tell him about what happened or dishonest to omit these particular details of my life considering it went on for nigh on a year? I told the first SG I saw and he got rather jealous / suspicious. I know we don't have to spill our guts about absolutely _everything_ but current SG and I had a talk about fidelity the other day and I would kind of feel like a hypocrite if it came up in the future and I had never explained to him what had happened. I guess in a way I could tell him now and tell him what a huge mistake I made and that I had learnt a lesson for the better. Again a petty 'Freakygal question', but just curious to hear any of your opinions. Most likely the best policy here would be to leave the past in the past and never mention it to him.
cbl Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 i am sure there are people who think the answer is yes. but i can't come up with a good reason why i would do this, if i were you. did anyone ever really put this in her college application, "my bf helped me with my science project in high school and now since i want to major in chemistry and i know how wrong i was back then and that i had learned my lessons i will never do it again..." maybe someday the truth will come out... but i do hope the truth comes out for good reasons. JMO.
erika2610 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I wouldn't if I were you. Maybe someday, if the subject comes up. I don't know how it would, but then I would tell him. I wouldn't just bring it up.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I wouldn't say anything about it at this stage. Not everyone feels the need to share every poor decision and bad relationship mistake they made in the past with their current partner... neither does every partner want to hear it. I think it's fair enough for you to say that you're very strong on fidelity, but understand that people make mistakes (in case he's wanting to confess something to you! it's possible!), but that you wouldn't tolerate infidelity in a current relationship and would end it if you discovered it. That way it gives a clear message about where you stand, and allows both of you time and opportunity for 'confessions' about the past at a later date if necessary. Well, that's what I'm intending anyway
cbl Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 .... (in case he's wanting to confess something to you! it's possible.... just curious... and do not intend to hijack this thread... did any of your guys in your past relationships ever confess this sort of things to you before (eg. seeing more than just their former partners)? or did this ever happen to your close friends? if so, did the confession have any impact on their relationship afterwards? i have always thought guys are more economical about truth.... especially about their past relationships that's all.
lovelorcet Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 As a guy, I would want to know something like this at some point as I do think it says a lot about what type of person you are. Having an A with a married man would be pretty close to being a deal-breaker for me so I would be very interested in how you delt with a situation like this.
Reckless Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 it's definitely NOT early date material and I am most certainly not of the school you have to tell your partner absoluetly everything about everything... BUT this is a pretty significant detail. Plus you may find yourself later in the situation where the issue becomes 'why didn't you tell me' rather than the actual affair. You may find you have to twist yourself into all kinds of shapes to AVOID mentioning this particular part of your past. Past relationships come up as part of bonding with people and although nothing obliges you to share this before you are ready to do so I would hesistate in advising you hide this from someone that has become important to you simply because skeletons tend to leap out of the deepest closets eventually....
Art_Critic Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I wouldn't say anything about it at this stage. Not everyone feels the need to share every poor decision and bad relationship mistake they made in the past with their current partner... I agree.. Telling him could also be shooting yourself in the foot.. the time to tell about your skeletons isn't early in the relationship.. We all have skeletons. I have made the mistake before of telling those skeletons too early only to have them brought up at breakup time and used against me. Time has a way of bringing out all the important stuff that people need to know..
ratingsguy Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I agree with some of the people here... the answer is yes, you do tell him, but not right now. Trust and honesty are the strong foundations to any good relationship. If I were in the other person's shoes, I would be more upset discovering this fact as opposed to being told. By telling your partner about the skeltons in your closet, you make a very bold statement that you don't intend to hide important aspects of your life... thus, trust and honesty are built. BUT, again do not tell him right away. After some time when you've grown close... that is the time to talk about these things... and always in the natual course of conversation.
PoshPrincess Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I would say be honest, but only if he asks you directly, which may never happen. Honesty isn't always the best policy and omitting information isn't lying. I don't think it is necessarily appropriate to discuss any past loves early on in a R unless the subject is brought up. I do believe that in situations like this, what you don't know can't hurt you. If and when it does come up you can definitely tell him that you made a terrible mistake which you have learned from and if he isn't prepared to accept you for this then he isn't the man for you! I now have a new BF (SG!) and wasn't prepared to tell him about my A with MM initially. In turns out that as our parents are friends he had already heard about it and all he really wanted to know was, "Is it over now?" as he knew it was a fairly recent thing. I assured him that it was but that we were still in touch now and again and he has been cool with that. We occasionally discuss it, as we do his past Rs (he has also been an OP!) and it doesn't appear to be an issue. I haven't had any contact with exMM for three weeks now and intend to keep it that way. As for the question asked about whether guys have been honest about their past Rs. I am generally not bothered what has happened in somebody's past (and would be a bit hypocritical if I was!) although it freaked me out a bit that MM had had a fling with someone else once before. I was glad that he was honest with me but I did feel jealous. It didn't affect our R, particurlarly as his other A was a PA and ours was more of a EA, plus it was earlier on in his M. Let's just say if I thought he was a serial adulterer I would've given him a wider birth. I guess I should have done that anyway. Funny that him having an A bothered me more than him having a W!
Author freakygal78 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thanx guys for your various opinions it has really helped me with this guy who I really think is a special and rather honest person in my life - seems I don't deserve him. BTW, he has told me some things about his past I would have rather not have heard although having a fixation with a MM in the past is a different matter altogether....
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