where's the enthusiasm?

[mattea]

I just read a thread about sweet things you can say to your loved one and i was sooo envious!

 

I know my b/f loves me. He tells me so and he makes an effort to spend time with me even when he's busy. He's affectionate and caring and responsive when I need to talk about something that's bothering me. But he just isn't very verbal about his feelings for me. I ask him and he says he loves me and he's happy we're together but I just don't feel a lot of enthusiasm. I feel like he spends time with me because he's supposed to as my boyfriend. I'm not saying he doesn't enjoy being with me, I just don't get the impression that he's got really strong feelings of desire to be with me. When we don't see each other for several days because i'm busy or he's busy or both, I don't feel too missed. It's like the magic isn't there, but when I ask him about it he denies it. We DEFINITELY need some more passion in our relationship.

 

When I come over dressed up for us to go out, it would be nice if he said, "you look sexy!", or something along those lines. Most of the time it seems like he doesn't notice.

 

OK, all this is being intensified by the fact that another guy took an interest in me and was being very verbal and extremely flirtatious. He's someone I work with and we went to lunch together a lot, but we won't be doing that anymore. He recently told me that he gets more fond of me the more time we spend together, that he feels good being around me, that he's really attracted to me, etc. He was always noticing something about me that he liked AND commenting on it so it was very obvious to me.

 

I just want this same level of excitement from my boyfriend. I know all the honeymoon stuff wears off, and maybe it is unrealistic/immature to keep wanting this. But when I read posts from people who are still hearing these kinds of things from their partners well into their relationships... well... i feel like we're missing something

[Krytellan]

I have been learning recently that we need to be careful about wanting it all. It isn't often that someone comes along that can provide everything we want and in the way we want it. I find everyone falls on a continuum, and it is up to us to decide which qualities are most important to us.

 

Years ago, I thought I needed a girl who took care of me and could relate to my friends. Well, she didn't relate to my friends and kind of took care of me but was VERY affectionate. With my ex-wife, I thought having someone that was good socially and knew how to have a good time was important. Well, she did that... as well as treat me like sh*t for years.

 

Now I understand what really matters, I want someone who knows what it is to love and to appreciate. I don't care about what she's like with my friends and I dont care how much she can hang (read: party... which she doesn't). It's unrealistic to think any one person can provide all that we want, but all contribute something unique.

 

What is important - really important - to you? Is he a good man? Dependable? Loving? Supportive? Expressive? Whatever is important to you, just make sure you keep looking until you find. Or if you're like me and find that you were waaaay wrong, don't be afraid to remedy the situation.

 

 

And also, you need to talk to him and find out what his "love language" is (that is how he expresses love and what he feels shows love to him). I just did this 2 days ago and it was invaluable to my relationship. Everyone expresses love differently... find out what he does to express love. Find out what he wants from you in that department. Though it isn't the same as your language, it is likely no less important to him as it is to you. Talk about it.

 

Good luck!

[Star Gazer]

What is important - really important - to you? Is he a good man? Dependable? Loving? Supportive? Expressive?

Unfortunately, they can't all be like you, K.

 

And also, you need to talk to him and find out what his "love language" is (that is how he expresses love and what he feels shows love to him). I just did this 2 days ago and it was invaluable to my relationship. Everyone expresses love differently... find out what he does to express love. Find out what he wants from you in that department. Though it isn't the same as your language, it is likely no less important to him as it is to you.

 

I have a feeling you've read the "Five Love Languages"?

[Krytellan]

Unfortunately, they can't all be like you, K.

 

 

 

I have a feeling you've read the "Five Love Languages"?

 

Thanks darlin

 

The term was from my GF, but the concept is intuitive. Anyone who has ever felt loved understands the concept of love language in some way, don't ya think?

[dropdeadlegs]

I couldn't agree more with Krytellan's post. It is very difficult to find the "total package." The other thing I have learned is that whatever is lacking is likely to be what is most important to me simply because of it's lack. It's tough to determine a balance. One man may be a great provider, but lacking in personal interaction. Another may be very passionate and affectionate, and yet equally as passionate about always being right and "winning."

 

I can't say enough about love language's. Reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman gave me an understanding about relationships that I never had before. I suddenly saw that what the men in my past were doing was speaking a different language than I was. I don't mean to imply that you must both speak the same language, but I have never been happier than now, with a man that speaks mine. Very early in our relationship I took the test in the book and asked him to do the same. Our scores in each of the 5 languages were nearly identical, and ranked in the same order. I honestly believe that is why we mesh together so easily. That being said, I just got lucky in finding him.

 

Simply understanding how your partner shows love, even if differently than you do, is enlightening. I wish I had that kind of knowledge in the past.

 

Based on your post "Words of Affirmation" may be your primary love language. Mine is "Physical Touch" with "Words of Affirmation" coming in a close second, and the other three all distantly behind. The other three are "Quality Time", "Acts of Service", and "Receiving Gifts." All have their pros, but people generally identify (ie:need) one more than others. I suggest to anyone who will listen to read the book. I learned a lot. My advice would be to read the book, and you will likely see where your BF fits in. When he is speaking his language, you might see that he is showing his love in his own way.

 

There is a saying that goes something like "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with everything they've got." It's hard to see at times, but very true in many cases.

[mattea]

Thanks Krytellan and dropdeadleags. I'm going to look into the book.

 

Actually, I think you two have really hit the nail on the head. I say this because at times when I ask him how he feels about me, he just seems sort of incredulous - baffled as to why I don't already know. He starts explaining to me what his actions are... i.e., 'i spend most of my free time with you'. But then I tell him I know what his actions are, but I need to hear his feelings verbalized once in awhile. I give him specific examples of what I mean, but he still doesn't say those things or anything similar to me, and it makes me wonder if he isn't saying them because he doesn't feel them?? I even told him I fear that and he says I'm not listening to him. I think he's just as infuriated as I am, and perhaps it's because as you say, we speak different languages.

 

I've been trying really hard to appreciate the way he does express his love for me and be satisfied with that, but it's REALLY hard for me. I really need to hear/feel some depth of emotion and I just don't and the passion is slipping away. I tried not to get upset that he wasn't just delivering this thing I need without my having to ask (I've been upset over that sort of thing in past relationships and realized it was unfair), but even when I ask and try to be really specific he doesn't seem to be able to communciate in this way. I don't know if he doesn't know how to express the feelings or just doesn't have them.

[Walk]

I think you're bf should attempt to do those things that are going to make you feel loved. Perhaps the problem is that he felt attacked a little because of your scepticism of his love. He felt he was going out of his way to show you he loved you, and then felt it was a waste of time because it wasn't seen and understood. So he initially reacted in a defensive manner. Maybe a slight change in how you approach this might work better.

 

I think first you should sit down and list out the things that are most important to you to feel loved. I think DropDeadLegs had it right about your love langugage. But I think you need to dig deeper and figure out how you need to hear you're loved, what other actions should surround the words, and what your expectations are. Write out a list and really put some thought into it. Write how and why next to each item, and find out how you really feel deep down about each one.

 

Then approach your bf again. I'd start from the standpoint of acknowledging his actions, letting him know they are seen and appreciated. That you want to make this the best relationship you can and that you want to discuss with him ways in which both of you can make the other feel loved and special. Then make it a discussion. You speak about what you value and find important to feel loved, and ask what he needs in order to feel loved. What things you can do to make him feel special. Back and forth. Not a one sided discussion of how he isn't meeting your needs, and what he should do to meet those. But how both of you can give more specificially to the individual person.

 

If you want your SO to change, you should offer something too. Make it a team effort. You'll get better results if he feels you're also going to be working toward a more fulfilling relationship with him.

[Pretty Fly]

at times when I ask him how he feels about me, he just seems sort of incredulous - baffled as to why I don't already know. He starts explaining to me what his actions are... i.e., 'i spend most of my free time with you'.

 

I've been in the guy's situation here. My gf at the time was saying I never tell her how I feel about her. I was baffled because in my mind I was letting her know through my actions. I was thinking, how can she not see how I feel about her.

[Pretty Fly]

Not a one sided discussion of how he isn't meeting your needs, and what he should do to meet those. But how both of you can give more specificially to the individual person.

 

This point is VERY important, or else he will just feel attacked and, possibly inadequate, as his previous efforts will feel undermined.

[RichC]

Kinda boils down to the old saying "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one".

[mattea]

Walk & Pretty Fly, thanks very much for your insights. Actually, I'm really glad you told me he might feel attacked... I guess it hadn't occurred to me that asking someone how he feels about me could make him feel that way. I guess it would be frustrating if he feels he's doing all these things to show me and I don't appreciate them or something.

 

As for a two-way discussion about both of our needs and how we each feel loved, that's a great suggestion too. I do want to know what his needs are and try to meet them as well. I've actually asked him if he's happy and what he feels could be better or if there are things that bother him. He FINALLY opened up about some things I do that are difficult for him or make him feel unloved and I've been trying really hard to work on those things.

 

I think what this comes down to is a general feeling I have that he's not that excited about us/me. We sometimes go for 4 or 5 days without seeing each other and I can't tell from the way he acts that he misses seeing me. I can't tell from the way he acts that he's truly excited about spending time with me. I can't tell from the way he acts what he really wants from our relationship. Yes, he's supportive and loving and willing to talk about issues, but when we're together or on the phone.... it just feels like something is missing and I don't know what to call it except enthusiasm/excitement for each other. So that's kind of why I ask him the questions - not to criticize him for not telling me more often, but because I truly want to know how he feels and where he's at - even if where he's at is he's not sure about me/us, I'd rather know that then just be guessing. I don't want to make assumptions about what's going on based on my interpretation of his actions... i think that's dangerous especially since I'm feeling like he's not that into me and maybe i'm misinterpreting? Or maybe I'm not. I just want to know, and the only way I really know how to know for sure is to ask and communicate.

[Lauriebell82]

i can identify with u on this. i like to my bfs feelings for me to be verbally expressed as well. sometimes my bf does tell me how he feels a lot, other times he doesnt. i too wish he would do it all the time. he actually told me the same thing ur bf told u..that his actions are what shows me how he feels about me. that he comes up to visit me at college, that he is willing to spend his entire weekend with me (the only free time he really has). its hard to have faith in that, and let that be enough, i know. some guys are more expressive than others.

 

it also sounds like sometimes ur insecure about his feelings for u. i go through that too. it is SOOO hard to overcome, but u just need to have faith that ur bf loves u. if he is still making an effort to see u and not giving u excuses or distancing himself than things are probably fine. every relationship goes through problems or stages, and in its place becomes a comfortable friend/lover relationship. just have faith that he loves, even when he isnt already vocal. he does probably already assume u know and thats why he doesnt go on and on about his feelings. wow i should take my own advice here!

[mattea]

thanks lauriebell!

 

it's good to know that someone else feels similarly and can relate to the struggle. you sent along some good reminders about trusting and appreciating the actions. hey, i'm just a work in progress so let's hope i'll get better at relaxing.

 

i have a question for you - does your boyfriend talk to you about feelings about other things in his life besides you and your relationship? i guess i'm wondering, for you are there just issues with knowing how he feels about *you* or knowing how he feels in general?

[confucious]

Mattea - I agree 100% with the above posters that communication is key and that learning to understand eachothers language is vital. As well, a bit of compromising might be necessary on both your parts...he to be more expressive and you to maybe try trusting/believing in him.

 

NOW - for the half empty.

 

I was in a similiar situation to yours...she was effusive about her love for me some nights...made me feel like a king. She wrote in her e-mails how she loved me and told me frequently. Somehow though I sensed something missing. She never seemed to miss me, want to hear my voice on the phone (actually rarely answered it), she never dropped by and almost never asked me out on a 'DATE' night with just her and I (but always invited me out with her friends). On top of this there were some blatantly disrespectful actions of which she never owned up to.

 

My problems were - I WANTED a woman who loved hearing from me on the phone, who wanted to get me alone and all to herself, who missed me after a couple days had gone by...or hell, even ONE!! Sometimes i felt as though she was spending time with me because she had to.

 

All this to say - I think everybody needs something different out of a relationship. Everybody loves in a different way and for a different reason. My ex, for whatever reason, wanted a calm relationship(boyfriend) that waited patiently around the corner for those times she wanted to immerse herself in it. Other times she wanted nothing to do with me. That was NOT good enough for me, I would not accept what I saw as mediocrity, and the result is we are now split. My situation is guaranteed different but I, while sad, I am also ecstatic to have taken control of my life and decided I want more than she is ever able to give.

 

Ask yourself - can he fix not missing you?? Can he change his desire to be around you?? Can he 'make' himself enthusiastic??

 

Now - know that you deserve all these things. That while you can stay with him if you truly love him and know he loves you, you may always feel something missing...you may always feel unloved. Is there a point in supporting/prolonging a relationship that does not make you feel loved...isn't feeling cherished what it's all about?? Or do you show more SELF love by moving on and finding someone who ACHES for you, llike you do for them.

 

Not counseling anything here - just thought maybe a different perspective might mix things up. Wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!!!

[Lauriebell82]

[quote=mattea;1086128

 

i have a question for you - does your boyfriend talk to you about feelings about other things in his life besides you and your relationship? i guess i'm wondering, for you are there just issues with knowing how he feels about *you* or knowing how he feels in general?

 

yes my boyfriend will talk about his feelings about other things a lot of the time. he has told me that he feels very comfortable talking with me and that he can tell me anything. one time we had a long phone conversation and he really opened up to me about how he misses his family (he lives 4 1/2 hours away from them) and how he only gets to see them about 3 times a year.) that is the only real time he broke down and opened up to that extent to me. as far as other things go, he talks about the stress of his job and how much he works and how many hours.

 

i think he is one of those guys who find that showing a lot of emotion(crying ect.) is a sign of "whoosyness". he does occasionally forget this and really share his feelings. as for feelings about me he does do it, mainly when i see him on friday after not seeing since the previous sunday. he says the sweetest things about how much he missed me and loves me, and how he hates being away from me, ect. what makes me insecure is that he doesnt always do this. esp. when i talk to him on the phone at night sometimes and he is stressed or tired he is not particularly emotional. i wish he would do it all the time but i guess u cant have everything in a relationship. encourage ur bf to open up to u, tell him he can talk to u about anytime and u will always be there to listen to him.