DownbutnotOut Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 My very first post, and I hate that I'm here. I'm not ready to spill my story just yet....think I'll lurk a little longer. But I just had to share an odd thought. In a way, I am comforted by seeing that others are going thru unfortunate circumstances as I am (misery loves company?) But then again, I am so discouraged by seeing so many people going thru these same unfortunate circumstances....it makes me think "Is ANYONE happy?" IF I ever chose to love again, would it be yet again, unsuccessful?? So, Loveshack....comforting or depressing....? I dunno...
PWSX3 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 My very first post, and I hate that I'm here. I'm not ready to spill my story just yet....think I'll lurk a little longer. But I just had to share an odd thought. In a way, I am comforted by seeing that others are going thru unfortunate circumstances as I am (misery loves company?) But then again, I am so discouraged by seeing so many people going thru these same unfortunate circumstances....it makes me think "Is ANYONE happy?" IF I ever chose to love again, would it be yet again, unsuccessful?? So, Loveshack....comforting or depressing....? I dunno... COMFORTING!!! WHY? Because this site opened "my" eyes to how "I" could change myself. I still have a long ways to go, but I'm a lot better off now then I was 5 months ago. Because my eyes were opened I look for the positive from everyone's posts and try and build from that. Just like you said, it shows you aren't the only one that is going thru this & believe it or not there is another side, I'm just not sure where it is just yet:laugh: Knowing that there are people out there that do care makes you feel all fuzzy in side! Stick around, you will start to understand.
Author DownbutnotOut Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 thanks pw.... Im following a thread of someone who (with a few minor changes) is telling my story.....I'll def. stick around and see how it turns out!
Gunny376 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 But then again, I am so discouraged by seeing so many people going thru these same unfortunate circumstances....it makes me think "Is ANYONE happy?" IF I ever chose to love again, would it be yet again, unsuccessful?? There are a number of reasons for what is going on with relationships ~ the primary one is ignorance. There's a difference between being stupid and being ignorant. When you're ignorant of something ~ you just don't know any better, but when you conscious and aware, and do something (or fail to do something) then you're just being stupid. The simple fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people are ignorant as to how to be in a committed long term relationship, that brings to fruitation the full promise of what marriage holds. There's the way things are? And then there's the way things are suppose to be. Add in a lot of cultural, societial, and religious expectations, fallacies, myths, and mis-conceptions and you've got one held of a mess on your hands. I believe that the frist thing that needs to be done is that it should be mandated by law that there be a minimum on a one year waiting period before a couple can get married, and that during that time they be required to attend pre-marriage classes and counseling, to include classed about personal and family financances. Just to illustrate how ludicrious and outdated our marriage laws are, in some states, you can get married as young as fifteen! When study after study has shown that the divorce rate for men who get married under the age of 25 have a 90% divorce rate. Monogomy and been faithful for life to just one other person is not the normal state for human beings. That's on the animalistic side of the equaton. On the social and cultural side of the equation it is considered the norm throughout the world that one man will take one wife and be married for the rest of their life. But this is dated back thousands of years when the average life expectancy was only about 35, and you were old if you made it to 45. Clearly the natural animalistic norm is for us to go out and mate with whoever when find attractive and are attracted to. Through the cultural and societial expectations into the equation ~ and the standard is to find one person and marry for life. A lot of this is muddle by the the the traditions of "rommance" many of which come to us from 15 and 16 Century France. That, along with a lot of other blubberish expectations ~ (Valenitines Day for example ~ which I suspect drives a wedge between couples more than it brings them together. Think I'm kidding, mess around and do nothing come Wednesday. So? The question is how to bridge the span between the two. First, be yourself. Don't put on being anyone but yourself. If your a natural born *******, than be yourself. Next learn, grow and educate. Especially when it comes to Gender-speak. Understand that when a woman says, "Fine!" Its not fine! LOL! You need to read, and educate yourself. Relationships require educating yourself. Just like you can't go out to the local airport and climb into an airrplane and fly it straight away, you can't go into a marriage, and have "shake and bake" ~ add water and mix success. Yet that is how most of us go into relationships ~ not to mention marriage. At a minimumm you should be doing something, reading something, learning something about how to improve your relationship/marriage at minimum of once a year. (Throw in personal finance ~ and that will go a long way toward aleivenating a lot of maritial discord) Aside from a law mandating mandatory pre-martial counseling and education for a minimum of one year, I would also mandate a law that the couples have to dated for a mimimum of three years before getting married. Statistically, couples that have dated less than two and half years, and those that have dated more than four years have a 90% divorce rate. (Interestingly enough, the divorce rate for women with a post-graduate degree is the same as those who dropped out of high school) I think that I would also require a drug screen. A big thing that is screwing up the younger generation is finances. Unless you have the equivalent of one years income stashed back in the bank, you've no business getting married, let alone having children. Yet, none the less, that's exacaltly what I did, I got married on a shoestring, a hope, and a prayer. Married or not, this is something that we all need to be working on STAT, (meaning yesterday). Even with the eqivalent of one years income in the bank, you still need to identify and be pro-active in funding those expenses that we know we've got coming, Car registration Oil Changes Tire rotations Automobile tuneups Property taxes Furniture and appliance replacement (figure a life of about 10 years) Insurance Premimums, (You'll get a better rate if you pay every six months or ever once a year, than month to month) Savings toward increasing your insurane deductables, (you want to pay less each month, increase your deductable. If you can absorb the lost of the first $5000 your monthly preimiumn will drop to nothing) {For further study on this look into Mary Hunt's "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover"} End game is that we need to be more pro-active going into marriage and less re-active.
empty906 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 ...it makes me think "Is ANYONE happy?" IF I ever chose to love again, would it be yet again, unsuccessful?? Question one: A few people are but I am beginning to wonder it they aren't the norm after all. Question two: Need to explain what you refer to as 'unsuccessful'. LadyJane will tell you that happiness is what you make of it. What 'you' put into it. And I agree. I want to sit back and have happiness eating out of my hand but happiness doesn't want to do that. She says it hurts her knees. Just kidding My question is, How do you make happiness? Does it have to begin in the heart or can it be created out of something else? And is that happiness created outside the heart genuine? Is it as fulfilling as the happiness the heart makes? If you already didn't have enough unanswered question in your life there are some out of my sack of surprises. Welcome to LoveShack. Share a story when you're ready and we'll all try and help. Someone here will know the right things to say, believe it!
Gunny376 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Question one: A few people are but I am beginning to wonder it they aren't the norm after all. Question two: Need to explain what you refer to as 'unsuccessful'. LadyJane will tell you that happiness is what you make of it. What 'you' put into it. And I agree. I want to sit back and have happiness eating out of my hand but happiness doesn't want to do that. She says it hurts her knees. Just kidding My question is, How do you make happiness? Does it have to begin in the heart or can it be created out of something else? And is that happiness created outside the heart genuine? Is it as fulfilling as the happiness the heart makes? If you already didn't have enough unanswered question in your life there are some out of my sack of surprises. Welcome to LoveShack. Share a story when you're ready and we'll all try and help. Someone here will know the right things to say, believe it! You must have missed it?! LJ's already explained it, its working past the hatered, the bitterness, the contempt, the..................... and being a part of something bigger than yourself. Its about respecting the other person and thier wants and needs, about putting someone else before yourself, your wants, your needs. Its about respect. "No greater Love is there than one has for another, than to lay down their life for another!" The kind of relatonship LJ and her DH have you couldn't steal with a crowbar! Its precious and rare, and they've worked they're azzes off to get it! A lot of blood, sweat, and tears involved in that one!
Author DownbutnotOut Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 Its about respecting the other person and thier wants and needs, about putting someone else before yourself, your wants, your needs. Its about respect. I think that is more the SOURCE of my problems.....I have lost myself due to being so wrapped up in my spouse. I have invested too much of myself worrying about my spouse's happiness, wants, needs, interests and have ended up unhappy unfulfilled and lonely....I gave, gave, gave and now I have stopped, I've gotten a minimal return and not even a hint of a desire to save this marriage from my spouse. We are just living day to day, not talking about it. No fights, no argueing...just living as housemates. A month has passed with no sex....I refuse to play the "who initiated last" game anymore....I haven't heard "I love you" in years. I so want to save this marriage....but I think it has been and will always be a one way street in this relationship. I SAY I want to save it.....not the way it is....but the way it WAS.....with only one of us willing to try that, odds are against me....
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