Guidance needed...

[mav100]

I recently went out with a co-worker of mine that knows myself and my ex very well, and she gave me some advice that I would like to run by you all. As my story is kind of long regarding the break-up, I won't go into details here (search for my posts if you'd like to read it), however, long story short I caught her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend (on and off) of 3 1/2 years when I was supposed to be out of town, and it appears she could have been unfaithful, however, there's no way to know for sure. I tried to work things out with her, but she choose to get back together with her ex. We dated for just under a year, and lived together for about 4 months.

 

As I was saying, I went out with one of my co-workers (and good friends) last week for dinner. She has been very concerned about me since my break up with the ex, as I was promoted at my job a few months beforehand and she is concerned that in my currently depressed state of mind, I could very well be heading towards being demoted back to my old job. She knows my ex very well (we all worked together for about 9 months before my promotion and my ex got a new job), and she told me she was completely shocked that my ex would do what she did, and like me, she never would have expected it from her.

 

I told her that I am still extremely angry with my ex for what she did and for the position she put me in (I'm 32 and ended up having to move back in with my parents since we lived together and couldn't find a place to go that quickly), however, a part of me still loves her very much and misses her. She responded by telling me that while my ex is angry at me, and I am angry at her, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to contact the ex, meet at a neutral place, and try to hash out our differences so we can part on better terms then we did. She also said that as the ex and I seemed to be the best of friends both before and during our relationship, it would be good to try to salvage what we can from the relationship. I disagreed with her and told her that as of now, I am still too angry and do not want to contact my ex.

 

My friend and I discussed the possibility of the ex and I getting back together at some point. Given the unstable nature/history of the relationship with her ex (now current) boyfriend, she assumes my ex and my ex's current boyfriend will not last long, and she may realize she screwed up with me. My friend also told me she does not think I was my ex's rebound from this guy, as they were broken up for a while before we dated. Again, this was something I really wasn't too sure I would want when I had this conversation, and said so at the time.

 

After having a few days to think about the conversation, I am at a crossroads.

 

On the one hand, I'm really angry and feel really betrayed by my ex's actions. Cheating, or even the possibility of cheating borders on the unforgivable.

 

On the other hand, I was thinking about getting engaged to this woman less than a week before the sh*t hit the fan, and it seemed to be something she wanted too. I really do miss her companionship, and we did seem to have a pretty decent relationship right up until the point her ex came back into her life. Part of me does want to reach out, however, I think the meeting at a neutral place thing would not fly as I doubt my ex would even answer the phone if I called much less meet me to talk. Even if she would, I don't know if I'd want to do it. I considered writing a letter and sending it to her via snail-mail (handwritten to make it more personal). I have no idea why I have the urge to do this, considering she's acted like all she ever wanted was this ex of hers and I was nothing to her. However, there's a part of me that thinks she still cares about me as well.

 

Should I even consider writing a letter? If I do, should I just try to bury the hatchet and mend fences, or should I also reveal to her that part of me still misses and cares for her?

 

A little more info on the situation. We've been broken up since mid November, we talked about possibly working things out for a week or two after that, and then she went 180 degrees and said she wanted her ex. We have not had a meaningful conversation since, and the last contact was about a month and a half ago.

 

I know there are some who believe in N/C should never be broken, some who believe N/C should be broken if you care, and some who think open lines of communitcation are best. I'd like opinions from anyone who'd like to post them, regardless of your belief in N/C or not.

 

Thanks in advance for helping me work through my confusion.

[Cossette4]

I know that urge to write that letter and send it is really strong, much like the feeling to pick up the phone and have a meaningful conversation is really strong, and it's really hard to fight that feeling.

 

However, if I am correct from reading your story, it sounds like she's with her ex still, right? (If I'm wrong on that then disregard the advice below).

 

Anyway, if she is still with him, you run that risk of her just acting cold and emotionless about the contents of the letter b/c she's "with" someone else now, and that's going to hurt really bad if you've poured your heart and soul into this letter. And it'll just be another "thing" that you're going to have to deal with and get through.

 

I only say this b/c I thought it would be a really good idea one night to attempt a meaningful conversation with my ex (who started dating someone like..7 days after we broke up) and I found myself not even speaking to the same guy. He was absolutely heartless and I was like, "Um don't you even care what I have to say? Am I not important? I was your girlfriend for over 5 years for God's sake.." And he was like "Well....I'm dating someone else now." And those words just haunt me and make me wish I would have never even tried to open up to him in the first place.

 

Now, granted, if you go back in my previous threads, you'll discover that my ex-bf is also a complete psycho, so I can't say for sure that your ex-gf is going to react that way, but I just don't want you to have to deal with this cold, stabbing reaction from the letter when what you hoped for was the total opposite.

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to just write the letter and NOT send it....YET...see how their relationship progresses and if she tries to make contact with you at all....Because there could always be that moment when she does and you can have all your feelings frozen in a letter to give to her then.

[Guest]

Hey Mav,

 

Only you know what you should and want to do so all I can is what I THINK I'd do given your situation.

 

She stated she wants her EX. She was with him when she thought you wouldn't find out. Is she doing anything to let you know she might want to reconcile? And if she is it sounds cruel and childish two be pitting to guys against each other to win her affections. One of you is going to get hurt while she walks away with the winner???

 

Screw that. It sounds romantic like in a love novel or movie but its plain old manipulation. You are supposed to put your heart on the line but she isn't?

 

You want a woman...not a little girl pretending to be one. Is she woman enough for you given her actions?

[mav100]

Actually, that was exactly why I wanted to write a letter instead of attempting to call her or get together. Our last few attempts at any kind of conversation have just devolved into finger pointing arguments...

 

I figured with a letter that first of all, the conversation is, by nature, one sided, so I can say whatever I feel I need to say. I also have already made the assumption that if I do write to her, I will not hear back, so I'm not worried about having a setback if I don't hear from her. If I could handle not hearing from her on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or my birthday, not getting a response to a letter I wrote will be cake.

 

However, I see your point and agree - my though was to draft the letter, have 1 or 2 close friends read it over to get their opinions, and then decide if/when to send it. To my knowledge, she is still with her ex at this point, however, I have no idea if things are going well between the two of them or not since we don't really have any mutual friends that are that tight with her.

[Rainer]

I think that if you want to write a letter, and send it...you have to be sure that you can and will be ok in dealing with the fact that you may not get the reply that you want. (Getting your friends to read is a good idea, because you can get the feed back you need).

 

If you are in love with this woman to the point where you think your life will be less without her in it, regardless of the hurt she has caused you and her being with someone else, then you may as well try...because regardless of the outcome, you will know the answer.

 

But before you do all this, do you think that she is going through the same amount of pain and confusion you have been over all of this?

 

Life is complicated, relationships even more so, whatever you choose to do, just be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

[mav100]

If you are in love with this woman to the point where you think your life will be less without her in it, regardless of the hurt she has caused you and her being with someone else, then you may as well try...because regardless of the outcome, you will know the answer.

 

Yes, I certainly still do love her. However, I'm certainly still angry with her for what she has done. As far as the outcome, I have no expectations. I haven't heard from her in 7 weeks, I certainly wouldn't expect to hear from her now.

 

But before you do all this, do you think that she is going through the same amount of pain and confusion you have been over all of this?

 

Honestly, I doubt it. She had a lot of time invested with this ex, and I'm sure she's just as happy to be with him now as she was when all of this started. However, since this will be, I guess the 4th time they've gotten together, and since the last time she dumped him was because her mother was very ill and he couldn't give her the emotional support she needed, who knows how long it will last. The end of this month will mark a year since her mother passed away. I'm sure some tension will come during that period. She knows I have been supportive of her through it all.

 

Honestly, I wrote a few drafts of the letter last night and deleted them in disgust. I can't tell her what a jerk I was when she's the one who cheated. I can't tell her I feel bad for arguing when even her own sister told me we disagreed about normal everyday things in our relationship that should not have driven her to the actions she took. While I will accept my own responsibility, writing to her without point some of the blame her way is unacceptable to me. However, its not my job to point out what SHE did. It's my job to accept responsibility for what I did and apologize for it, which I've already done. If she's going to come around, she needs to do it on her own with no contact from me. That's the only way I'll even be able to begin to believe she's serious, and the only way I'd ever be able to try to build some trust in her again. So for now, I've decided to nix the letter. I'm sure I'll be thinking differently tomorrow. But at least for right now I feel strong again.

[the_total_package]

that you might be demoted because of your depressed state, I stopped reading there. DON'T LET AN EX AFFECT YOUR JOB STATUS. Forget about this one. I know a woman who was FIRED from her job a few weeks after her boyfriend dumped her because she was spacing off all the time at work thinking about her EX. So not only was she broken up with, she was out of her JOB because of obsessing about it at work. Needless to say, after getting fired she got over her ex QUICKLY because she was now dealing with looking for another job (which she did, luckily, but she will tell you today do NOT let an EX affect your job.)

OMG, seek counseling. Just get OVER her. Think about it, she's just a woman. Your JOB is your livlihood which pays the bills. You can meet someone else and fall in love. Someone WAY better who will TOTALLY love you, doesn't sound like this chick does really. Getting a new job after you're fired isn't as easy. Even if you get DEMOTED, well, YOU JUST LET THAT WOMAN LOWER YOUR PAY CHECK, HAIL TO THE NO TO THAT.

You are giving this Ex chick too much control of your life if it's getting to the point where it's affecting your work negatively and your BOSS is NOTICING. That should be a total wakeup call to you.