Guest Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on.
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. Since you said she's "also" married you must be too and I'd think hard about this lest one of them, in a fit of pique, turns the tables on you and tells your husband. While that would seem to be poetic justice, I doubt it's what you'd want to have happen. Better to leave it all, and him, behind you and concentrate on saving your marriage if there's anything there to save.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Just move on with your life...leave them to the chaos...
Jinxx Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. What would you gain by telling them? I would just end the affair and move on.
BurntInNJ Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. Did YOU know he was married when you started the affair?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. Its noble of you to end the affair with the MM. But I think you only did it because you found out he had other women. What did you expect? Even though I think you are just jilted and want revenge...in answer to your question, yes..you should tell all parties involved because they deserve to know they are with lousy cheaters.
outofdarkness Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 In an affair with married man who I have recently found out has at least one other mistress. The other mistress is also married... I have decided to end the affair, but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. As a BS, I can honestly say in looking back..I really wish someone had said something..If only anonymously...
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 have decided to end the affair Good for you! but wonder whether I should tell the unsuspecting wife and husband about what is going on. You'd be doing it out of revenge, hurt and spite. I mean, when you were having your affair with him, and at the time you thought you were the only OW, I'm sure you didn't want his wife to know so the affair could continue... But, now that you know there's another OW, you want to tell all? If you do this, be prepared for the crap to come your way on this. It isn't your place to tell anybody anything, the best revenge is to move on, live well and be happy. Don't look back, forget him!
Catharsis Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I have been mulling over doing the same. I wonder if I should - send exMM's W an anonymous letter telling her about her Hs affairs (I probably won't though since she is so convinced she married Prince Charming and wouldn't believe anything unless I included some of the very clear evidence that I do have - but then this could be traced back to me) - let all his OW know that he has plenty of other OW (they all think they are the "special one") - but again, he would surely find out someone had gotten that info from his email - and I don't want it to be traced to me. - tell the OW's H. One of his OW is married, and she and her H work for the same company as exMM. I could send him an anonymous email with some infos, and he wouldn't know who it's from. He would certainly confront exMM and give him the scare of a lifetime. exMM is a big coward, and that would render him limp for a while. But for now, these are just things that have gone through my mind. I'll probably just leave this mess alone and thank my lucky star that I walked away from this man before things got out of hand.
MySugaree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Tattling is just another way for you to remain in this guy's life--just more noble. Get out of this loser's life, now. Don't linger--even for the "best" of reasons. Revenge fantasies should remain just that: fantasies. Also, given your Affair with her Husband, the BS might just view your motives as mixed. She might wonder why you care about her now--only after you learned about the other OW--but not before when you started f@cking her Husband. And she would have a point. Chalk this one up to experience, and move on. Otherwise, only more lives will be devastated.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Not only is it tattling, but it's creating HIGH DRAMA!!! I mean, while in the middle of the affair, the thoughts of telling his wife probably didn't enter your head. NOw, that's it's over, all of a sudden you want to tell - For the right reasons?? Don't think so.... Cath, and Guest, close and lock that door, don't look back. Be happy you got out and can find yourselves someone who will love ONLY you.
MySugaree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Not only is it tattling, but it's creating HIGH DRAMA!!! So true. Like swinging, an ex-affair partner's tell-all to the BS is better imagined than experienced. Let it go; let him go; move on with your life.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 As a BS, I can honestly say in looking back..I really wish someone had said something..If only anonymously... I don't know why no-one sees some posts but yes... here is what I would feel too... IF someone knew my partner was having an affair, I'd want to know. I don't care WHO it was, or their motives for doing it, or whatever they'd be getting out of it. As long as they did it, I'd be grateful for the knowledge. Some people wouldn't but I would. All those people saying 'don't do it'... would you also like to remain in the dark about a spouse's affair..? Then again, I don't think I'd ever tell my MM's wife what happened between us... but that's perhaps misguided loyalty on my part, eh..?
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then again, I don't think I'd ever tell my MM's wife what happened between us... but that's perhaps misguided loyalty on my part, eh..? Why is it that if you were cheated on, you'd want to know, but you wouldn't let your MM's wife know he cheated on her with you? Yes, it's misguided loyality all right. Maybe because he'd hate you for it? I don't mean any of this rudely, it's just an interesting POV.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Why is it that if you were cheated on, you'd want to know, but you wouldn't let your MM's wife know he cheated on her with you? Yes, it's misguided loyality all right. Maybe because he'd hate you for it? I don't mean any of this rudely, it's just an interesting POV. I responded to another thread a few days ago about what I'd do if his W contacted me. I'd say 'you had better ask him', which is as good as saying 'yes', and so be it. I wouldn't deny anything, and it's up to him and her to work on what happened and why. Yes, I fully admit that I would think more about him, and what he would lose, than her. At this moment. And yes, that is because of knowing him rather than her (who we are attached to in many ways determines our loyalty... that is human nature)... and if I was friends with another person in this affair, then my reactions would be different. THAT IS life, and human nature. I fully admit my place in all this... the OW who 'shouldn't be telling anyone... because it's 'not my place' I've heard it often enough No, it's not really funny. But just look at the different answers given depending on MOTIVE of those telling. Like... I've been told it would be 'not my place' as an OW, unless I'm planning a future with him (when it suddenly IS my place), or I'm feeling aggrieved (not my place AT ALL)... ... basically, it's all about other people's perceptions of what is justified, or gratifying, for the OP, rather than what would do the BS any good. And that strikes me as somewhat twisted in itself. BS wants to know... then WHY oh WHY does it matter who tells them and why..?
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 On the practical side I can see a BW's reaction possibly being very hurt and angry if the OW tells her. She might take it as yet another poke in the eye by the OW whom she might see as holding it over her or firing for effect.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Why is it that if you were cheated on, you'd want to know, but you wouldn't let your MM's wife know he cheated on her with you? Yes, it's misguided loyality all right. Maybe because he'd hate you for it? I don't mean any of this rudely, it's just an interesting POV. Taking another bite of the cherry, rather than re-writing my earlier response. Of course it's a different viewpoint. Same as someone would or wouldn't support anyone in anything. A friend, even a closer or further away friend, in anything, supports that friend... for better or worse... they just do. But I wonder whether the hypocrisy of the 'tell' and 'don't tell' point of view is so obvious to those who point out the (admitted and acknowledged) loyalties of friendship and relationship. Why does it matter WHY someone is told, as long as they are told if that is what matters to those told? I would like to hear of infidelity, no matter where it comes from.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 On the practical side I can see a BW's reaction possibly being very hurt and angry if the OW tells her. She might take it as yet another poke in the eye by the OW whom she might see as holding it over her or firing for effect. Yes, she might. On the other hand she might not. Very much depends on the BS, I would have thought. I would want to know and NO exceptions. Well, perhaps I wouldn't want an OW doing it because they wanted him and felt entitled to him and he was about to leave me for her. Or maybe I would. Knowledge is power, as they say. I wouldn't want to live with someone lying to me about their 10-year affair (one of many), about to leave for another business trip not knowing whether he's going to be with one or another woman. Who can live like that... who would want to..? Yes, I would want to know, and I don't care HOW. That is why I quoted OOD's comment. I can't imagine being in her position. It's nasty. And I'd want to be out of it. WHOEVER told me.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I would like to hear of infidelity, no matter where it comes from. Yet you're not willing to give your MM's wife that same option? There are different reasons, different motives for telling - IT makes a difference, especially if someone has something to lose, or to gain. Come on Frannie....lol
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Yet you're not willing to give your MM's wife that same option? There are different reasons, different motives for telling - IT makes a difference, especially if someone has something to lose, or to gain. Come on Frannie....lol Yes, unless I've been really bad in expressing my thoughts (not unusual). There are different reasons people will tell. I'm not telling because I feel for him... I don't want him going through the mill because I felt it was 'right' to tell her. And on the other hand, some people want to hear, no matter where from, and some people don't. Usually we, the tellers, have no idea which camp the possible receivers of our news fall. Empty posted a good question this morning. Does he tell a (not very close) friend about his wife's activities..? Who knows. His call. The two scenarios very much depend on who you're friends with and where you think your loyalties lie. No one is unaware of that. What is hypocritical (rather than perhaps misguidedly loyal) is people telling other people yes or no to telling based on THEIR view of who is 'morally right' in their position. IF he'd dumped me... would I still be 'morally right' to tell her... or should I let sleeping dogs lie..?
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Yet you're not willing to give your MM's wife that same option? There are different reasons, different motives for telling - IT makes a difference, especially if someone has something to lose, or to gain. Come on Frannie....lol Evidently it is different if you 'stand to gain' from the telling. If I tell her... knowing that (as he says) she will kick him out... then that puts me in the really bad position of having manipulated events even more than I ever wanted to, and having begun a relationship with him by MAKING sure he lost his marriage. That's just bad behaviour. And how could any relationship be built on one person's taking control of information/events that are not theirs to control..? Obviously, there are people who think that all BSs would take back their WS... or that all MM would decide to 'work on the marriage' rather than leave. But... that's just so much supposition, isn't it..? In my case, I think his W would throw him out, and he'd be only too glad not to have made the decision. She would be dealing with a husband who cheated on her for years, rather than a spouse who was perhaps not all she wanted, and maybe even asked for a divorce... And children would be dealing with a distraught mother, side-taking family, a father ashamed and uncertain... ... who in their right mind would DO THAT to any of those people..?
MISTRESS WITH REGRET Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hi I'm The "mistress With Regret" Who Started This Post... Just Wanted To Add A Bit More Detail About The Situation. I'm Not Married, I Am 20 Yrs Younger Than Him, Actually Quite Close To His Whole Family, Do Crafts With His Wife, Help Their Son With His Homework/projects, Wanted To End Things Long Before I Found Out About The Other Ow, We All Work In A Small Hospital, His Wife Is A Head Nurse, He And I Work In The Lab With Only One Other Person, The O-ow Is A Regular Patient, And I Have Never Met Her Husband.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Your situation is a ticking time-bomb just waiting to explode. NOONE is going to escape without being badly burned and hurt real badly. The best thing you should for yourself is TRANSFER, seeing as you're not married. I'm sure you can find another job somewhere else. I can tell you right now NO good is ever going to come out of your situation. You're fooling yourself IF you think he is going to leave his wife and family for you. I hope you see that!!!!!!!
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