LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 There is this guy I work with who is married and I am not sure of some of the things that have happened recently with him. I need some advice. Often when I was near this guy at work I would feel a strong sexual attraction to him. It made me uncomfortable and I would often try to move away from him because he is married and I do not want to give off the wrong impression. I have a very strong sexuality which I know men sense very easily and I did not want him to feel that about me. One day I said to this guy at work, "is there anything you would like me to do?" (I have to ask him for things to do sometimes. I always say it that way.) He said, "you mean as in office work?" And I said "yes." He said "oh, darn it!" and laughed while snapping his fingers in mock frustration. I was surprised because it seemed like he was perhaps hitting on me. The next day was really emberassing because I was not sure if he had been hitting on me and then, two times in a row that day, when we were standing talking about something and I had to look at something close to him I accidentally brushed his hand with mine. I did NOT do it on purpose but later that day when I thought back on it I realized he might have thought I was doing it on purpose. I felt emberassed and hoped he did not think I had done that purposely because I do not want to hit on him. For about 4 days I tried to avoid him. I was polite but stayed away and did not talk to him. He finally said something to me and added "if you are still talking to me, that is." So I realized maybe I had better be more friendly again so I went back to being more friendly. A day or so later I was walking past him and he said "there's the troublemaker." I said, "why am I the troublemaker?" He replied "I don't know. I just wanted to give you a nickname and that's the one I picked." I thought that was strange because I don't think I cause any trouble at work. I work hard and do my job and don't goof around. Everyone says I am a hard worker and that they are pleased with me. The other day I had on high heels that were killing me. He asked why I had to sit and I told him because they hurt. Then he said "they look really good though." My question is this: was he hitting on me? What exactly is going on and how should I handle this? Thanks :-)
Road Rage Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Yes, he is hitting on you. So, how soon you two going to get together?
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 All you have to do is NOT flirt back with him. You two work together, so keep it professional. And, tell him that you're not interested. And, most of all DO NOT READ INTO IT. Flirting is flirting, and if by chance he's crossing lines hoping you'll take the bait and you two could hook up, RUN the other way. Seeing as you say you're sexually attracted to him, I think he knows and picks up on that energy, maybe he feels it for you too, but HE IS MARRIED, so don't even bother trying to figure him out, what he thinks etc...IT doesn't matter.
YoMomma Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 There is this guy I work with who is married and I am not sure of some of the things that have happened recently with him. I need some advice. Often when I was near this guy at work I would feel a strong sexual attraction to him. It made me uncomfortable and I would often try to move away from him because he is married and I do not want to give off the wrong impression. I have a very strong sexuality which I know men sense very easily and I did not want him to feel that about me. One day I said to this guy at work, "is there anything you would like me to do?" (I have to ask him for things to do sometimes. I always say it that way.) He said, "you mean as in office work?" And I said "yes." He said "oh, darn it!" and laughed while snapping his fingers in mock frustration. I was surprised because it seemed like he was perhaps hitting on me. The next day was really emberassing because I was not sure if he had been hitting on me and then, two times in a row that day, when we were standing talking about something and I had to look at something close to him I accidentally brushed his hand with mine. I did NOT do it on purpose but later that day when I thought back on it I realized he might have thought I was doing it on purpose. I felt emberassed and hoped he did not think I had done that purposely because I do not want to hit on him. For about 4 days I tried to avoid him. I was polite but stayed away and did not talk to him. He finally said something to me and added "if you are still talking to me, that is." So I realized maybe I had better be more friendly again so I went back to being more friendly. A day or so later I was walking past him and he said "there's the troublemaker." I said, "why am I the troublemaker?" He replied "I don't know. I just wanted to give you a nickname and that's the one I picked." I thought that was strange because I don't think I cause any trouble at work. I work hard and do my job and don't goof around. Everyone says I am a hard worker and that they are pleased with me. The other day I had on high heels that were killing me. He asked why I had to sit and I told him because they hurt. Then he said "they look really good though." My question is this: was he hitting on me? What exactly is going on and how should I handle this? Thanks :-) Well if you want him to be 'hitting on you' - then I would say he is. BUT if you don't like the idea - then I'd report him to your supervisior. This man is married - are you looking to get involved with a married man? If so... you 've got your chance - take our advice life with a MM isn't all it's cracked up to be! Good luck... and be smart.
ratingsguy Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hitting on you would be a little more direct, so I don't think he's hitting on you. But he is definately flirting with you. I don't think you need to report him, but if you are uncomfortable with the flirting, be up front with him before things get out of hand.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 For about 4 days I tried to avoid him. I was polite but stayed away and did not talk to him. He finally said something to me and added "if you are still talking to me, that is." So I realized maybe I had better be more friendly again so I went back to being more friendly. Then be upfront and honest - Tell him that the flirting behaviour has to stop, you're not comfortable with it, for afew reasons, mainly cuz he's a married man and another reason is because you two work together. It is inappropriate behaviour that is making you feel weird, so TELL him that. Hopefully he'll respect you and stop. And if he doesn't, then go to upper management about it. You do have options, so don't fall back into being friendly with him to keep him happy and comfortable. That's not cool.
Author LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thank you for the advice. He is such a nice guy and his wife is so nice and everyone thinks so good of him including me that its hard to imagine he would hit on me. He does not strike me as the type that would do that to his wife or at all. He looks very innocent about those kinds of things and people all respect him and look at him the same way I think so its hard to think he would hit on me. I dont want to say anything to him because then he might act like "I did nothing" and I think people would believe him completely. I know I would if I was someone else and someone said that about him. Hard to believe he could hit on me.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then just ignore it and don't react at all. If he is hitting on you, then let it be his problem, not yours. Rise above it and keep busier around the office. Sooner or later he will get bored, especially if you stop reacting. Men flirt, plain and simple. And, sometimes it's just harmless fun, and sometimes it's not. If you are uncomfy with it, don't play along at all. Be respectful and nice, but don't flirt back.
Topper Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 i sent a reply to you in the other thread you started. the two of you are playing a dangerous game. I love the way some people around here alway blame the man.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Oh.my.god. That guy could be my exMM. Just please don't tell me you're an intern. Here's what's gonna happen next. He's going to start looking for clues about your personal life. He'll say, you seem down, is something wrong? Is it your boyfriend? You know that I'm your friend, right? You can talk to me about anything. It's always the ones who don't "seem like they would do THAT," that are the scariest and the ones to watch out for most. Mine was kind of dorky, goody two-shoes, played himself off as "I'm just an innocent boy from the sticks...." Stay far, far away from him. The LEAST of what could happen to you is your career will suffer. You sound young, maybe just starting your career? The fact that you have to ask him for work makes me think he has a management position. This has bad news written all over it. Walk away. NOW.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 FURTHERMORE - not only is he hitting on you, he is doing it in such a way to get a stronger reaction out of you, i.e., when anything goes down it will be YOU that took it to that level, not him. He's too innocent. Gosh, if she took my friendlienss the wrong way, well, gosh, I just don't know what to say. (right about that time the halo clicks on above his head....) Phrases from him to watch out for: "I'm a very good listener, people just see me as someone to tell their problems to. I don't know why." "I really like you." (this could be taken any way, depending on your reaction to it.) "I like it when you laugh, you have such a great laugh." and later, if this thing progresses: "I wasn't looking for this, it just happened. But I'm glad it did." (they ALWAYS 'weren't looking for this...' Yeah right! I'm sure I'll think of more....
Author LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thank you for the reply. I am troubled by the situation because of the fact that I know how men treat me. I am often hit on by men just looking to have a good time. When married men hit on me, it is very disturbing to me. It makes me feel bad about myself. The strange thing is I have always been extremely scrupulous around married men. I dont judge others for what they do, but I feel incredible guilt if I am even attracted to a married man in the slightest way. But now that someone married who I work with is starting to drop hints that he may be hitting on me it is making me neurotic as anything at work. I dont want to do anything that could make me look like I am hitting on him. Thats why I prefered to avoid him. I have never cheated on a man I ever was with and I would never want to be the cause of some man wanting to cheat on his wife! I do not want to play a game with this man. I just want to stay out of trouble. But I dont know how to do that. If I dont talk to him I fear I will come across as being snobby and offend people. But if I talk to him I am afraid I will say the wrong thing or send the wrong message. I know how men are with me and I was hoping that maybe he was not hitting on me, maybe just harmlessly flirting.
BenThereDunThat Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 You need to err on the side of caution here. Would you rather be thought of as a snob or as this guy's latest fling? There's a strong possibility that people already know how he is. If that's the case, no one will think you're a snob. They'll think you're SMART for seeing right through him. Take the dignified, high road. No one will think you're a snob for being strictly professional and only interacting with him when you absolutely HAVE to.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Lil Angel: Some men are just patronizing to women...especially if they hold positions of power over them... How men treat you is more indicative of how they have seen other men treat women and not necessarily what kind of woman you are...so don't feel bad...and married men are often the WORST...I can't believe some of the things I have been told by MM who are honest about their marital status...it's like they feel entitled to cheat...disgusting... Just be professional and don't divulge any personal info or talk about his or your personal life...keep it strictly business...
SetMeFree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I was hoping that maybe he was not hitting on me, maybe just harmlessly flirting. Men who are married and choose to engage in this behavior are not harmlessly flirting. I would bet you any sum of money that he has an agenda here. And I agree with BTDT....he is laying the groundwork and setting it up so that if anything goes wrong, all of the blame will fall on your shoulders. I met my MM when we both worked together...it will be three years that I have been in this quagmire...please believe me when I tell you that you do not want to go down this path. In my situation, my MM and I were in positions of equal authority, but it sounds like he holds a position that is more senior than yours, which spells even more trouble for you.
Meaplus3 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Thank you for the reply. I am troubled by the situation because of the fact that I know how men treat me. I am often hit on by men just looking to have a good time. When married men hit on me, it is very disturbing to me. It makes me feel bad about myself. The strange thing is I have always been extremely scrupulous around married men. I dont judge others for what they do, but I feel incredible guilt if I am even attracted to a married man in the slightest way. But now that someone married who I work with is starting to drop hints that he may be hitting on me it is making me neurotic as anything at work. I dont want to do anything that could make me look like I am hitting on him. Thats why I prefered to avoid him. I have never cheated on a man I ever was with and I would never want to be the cause of some man wanting to cheat on his wife! I do not want to play a game with this man. I just want to stay out of trouble. But I dont know how to do that. If I dont talk to him I fear I will come across as being snobby and offend people. But if I talk to him I am afraid I will say the wrong thing or send the wrong message. I know how men are with me and I was hoping that maybe he was not hitting on me, maybe just harmlessly flirting. Hi, Sound"s like you like him and love the attention he pays to you. Are you not secure about yourself? I think he is just playing you. There are plenty of pretty young wonderful woman in this world. Why do you think you are something so great to him unless you desire to be with him, is that th REAL truth?? AP
Author LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Hi, Sound"s like you like him and love the attention he pays to you. Are you not secure about yourself? I think he is just playing you. There are plenty of pretty young wonderful woman in this world. Why do you think you are something so great to him unless you desire to be with him, is that th REAL truth?? AP I don't like him or the attention and I dont want to be something great to him. I am simply worried about staying out of any hint of trouble.
norajane Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I have a very strong sexuality which I know men sense very easily and I did not want him to feel that about me. I am troubled by the situation because of the fact that I know how men treat me. I am often hit on by men just looking to have a good time. I know how men are with me and I was hoping that maybe he was not hitting on me, maybe just harmlessly flirting. Well, dial it back at work, sweets. If you know this is how guys see you and treat you, then you have to take extra precautions not to be seen that way. That means keep it all totally professional, no flirting, no time alone with him, no hanging out at his desk or at yours, no private jokes, no listening to or sharing confidences or personal information, no after work drinks, no lunches, no flirtatious emails. Stick a picture on your desk of your boyfriend (or your brother, and let him assume he's your bf). Make sure this very strong sexuality you are exuding isn't highlighted by too-short skirts and stilettos, or low cut blouses under your jacket - there's no need for that at work. You don't have to totally change your style, but there's a difference between dressing for the office, and dressing on your personal time. I'm not trying to blame you for attracting this attention, but you've mentioned several times this is how men perceive you. Believe me, if that's how you are perceived, the gossip isn't far behind.
bellababygirl Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Well, dial it back at work, sweets. If you know this is how guys see you and treat you, then you have to take extra precautions not to be seen that way. That means keep it all totally professional, no flirting, no time alone with him, no hanging out at his desk or at yours, no private jokes, no listening to or sharing confidences or personal information, no after work drinks, no lunches, no flirtatious emails. Stick a picture on your desk of your boyfriend (or your brother, and let him assume he's your bf). Make sure this very strong sexuality you are exuding isn't highlighted by too-short skirts and stilettos, or low cut blouses under your jacket - there's no need for that at work. You don't have to totally change your style, but there's a difference between dressing for the office, and dressing on your personal time. I'm not trying to blame you for attracting this attention, but you've mentioned several times this is how men perceive you. Believe me, if that's how you are perceived, the gossip isn't far behind. Men are just pigs sometimes!!! I'm pregnant by my MM and I still have MM and single guys hitting on me...its disgusting... Women have intuition, my guess is if you are hear asking quesitons yours has peaked! So, if you have before hand knowledge that this guy is a MM then you need to read some of the problems and heartache us OW are going through in our MM/OW relationships and ask yourself if you want to be in any of our positions? Trust me, the sexual tension, mystery, etc. you might be feeling right now is not worth what it costs! Just read some threads here and ask yourself where a R. with this guy would have to go...and if the gamble of a happy ending is worth the heartache??? If I had the choice in the beginning I wouldnt have even answered his emails! Think about what you want...you dont owe him anything...right now you are free of guilt and all the rest of the baggage that comes along with a MM...really, please listen to what OW are going through before you find yourself as one!
Author LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Well, dial it back at work, sweets. If you know this is how guys see you and treat you, then you have to take extra precautions not to be seen that way. That means keep it all totally professional, no flirting, no time alone with him, no hanging out at his desk or at yours, no private jokes, no listening to or sharing confidences or personal information, no after work drinks, no lunches, no flirtatious emails. Stick a picture on your desk of your boyfriend (or your brother, and let him assume he's your bf). Make sure this very strong sexuality you are exuding isn't highlighted by too-short skirts and stilettos, or low cut blouses under your jacket - there's no need for that at work. You don't have to totally change your style, but there's a difference between dressing for the office, and dressing on your personal time. I'm not trying to blame you for attracting this attention, but you've mentioned several times this is how men perceive you. Believe me, if that's how you are perceived, the gossip isn't far behind. Makes sense but heres the catch. Some years back I gained about 70 pounds and weighed almost 200. I was huge. I looked awful and dressed so plain to hide how bad I looked. Even THEN i was hit on. One said that there was just something about me that made him want me sexually more than any other woman he had ever known. I dont know what it is except that I LOVE sex, more than most men, and have always been very confortable with my body and my sexuality and maybe men sense that. Men have told me from looking at me across a room that they could feel this vibe about me. My ex told every person that I was the best woman he ever had in bed and that he could only take two days with me because I drove him so nuts sexually that it just got to be overwhelming. I try to repress my sexuality but the more I do the more it comes out.
bellababygirl Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Makes sense but heres the catch. Some years back I gained about 70 pounds and weighed almost 200. I was huge. I looked awful and dressed so plain to hide how bad I looked. Even THEN i was hit on. One said that there was just something about me that made him want me sexually more than any other woman he had ever known. I dont know what it is except that I LOVE sex, more than most men, and have always been very confortable with my body and my sexuality and maybe men sense that. Men have told me from looking at me across a room that they could feel this vibe about me. My ex told every person that I was the best woman he ever had in bed and that he could only take two days with me because I drove him so nuts sexually that it just got to be overwhelming. I try to repress my sexuality but the more I do the more it comes out. It doesnt matter what you look like, what you wear...like I said I have a rounded hard stomach full of baby and they still make comments. Dont change anything about yourself and dont apologize for your sexuality...women who cant orgasim I am sure wish they had your ability. I am very sexual too...as a matter of fact last friday made two weeks since my MM and i were together (needless to say Valentines Day it is ON!!) sorry dickstracted...umm...where was I?? put the sexual tension aside...you will have that with many men by your comments... you need to ask yourself where the sex will lead and it that somewhere you want to be...seriously, once the physical sex is enjoyed...you know from your exerience you will both just want more...are you looking for a purely sex R? If so, there are plenty of men (single) looking for the same thing??? Why is this one got your attention???
norajane Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Makes sense but heres the catch. Some years back I gained about 70 pounds and weighed almost 200. I was huge. I looked awful and dressed so plain to hide how bad I looked. Even THEN i was hit on. One said that there was just something about me that made him want me sexually more than any other woman he had ever known. I dont know what it is except that I LOVE sex, more than most men, and have always been very confortable with my body and my sexuality and maybe men sense that. Men have told me from looking at me across a room that they could feel this vibe about me. My ex told every person that I was the best woman he ever had in bed and that he could only take two days with me because I drove him so nuts sexually that it just got to be overwhelming. I try to repress my sexuality but the more I do the more it comes out. It must be really irritating to get hit on only for your sex appeal. How do you ever know when a man is interested in you for anything more than that? At work, your attitude has to leave no room for misinterpretation - be firm in saying NO to the flirtations and advances. Don't give anyone the opportunity to dismiss your brains and ambition. It's totally possible to shut a man down with just one look. Practice it in the mirror, and use it.
Author LilAngel41211 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 there are plenty of men (single) looking for the same thing??? Why is this one got your attention??? I dont want a sexual relationship and he does not have my attention. It is hard to explain how I feel inside. When I was young, girls used to attack me because their boyfriends would hit on me. I would do nothing. I would not flirt or dress sexy or anything and yet their boyfriends would like me. Or the guy they liked would like me. I had women physically attack me and verbally attack me as well over this. Women hated me. I lost friendships. And it distressed me because I was not TRYING to attract them. I did not even LIKE them in return! As time went on I became neurotic around men with girlfriends and wives. I feared that if I looked at them the wrong way they would like me and then I would get accused of things and called terrible names. I did not want to be the bad person yet somehow I always was. No matter what I did some woman found some reason to blame me. One time a woman's man helped me put a necklace on (he offered) and she came after me with a vengeance! Threatening me and everything. I got called all kinds of terrible names. Once a roomate was furious because I had on a pair of loose sweatpants and when I stood up her boyfriend noticed my tatoo just above my hip. She started getting so mad that he was looking at my butt. Her and her friends never liked me and looked at me as a threat. If I am talking with a man and his wife or girlfriend is around, they notice and walk over and I feel that they are looking at me like I am the enemy. Like they are there to watch me carefully. I have become very neurotic over the years about things. Often around taken men I will clam up completely and they will think I am cold but I do it to make certain that nothing I say or do can be misconstrued. I will avoid them as much as I can. I have obviously become overly neurotic about being around taken men, but that is how I am nevertheless. Now that I have to work with someone who may be hitting on me it has me neurotic as always. I am probably overly worried to no end. But with me and taken men I hair split everything because I am always afraid.
Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 At work, your attitude has to leave no room for misinterpretation - be firm in saying NO to the flirtations and advances. Don't give anyone the opportunity to dismiss your brains and ambition. It's totally possible to shut a man down with just one look. Practice it in the mirror, and use it. (NoraJane wrote that, I'm just pretending it's mine...hehe.)
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