Baileykeg Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Well I've obviously not been busy enough today because I caved to the pressure and called him. We talked for almost two hours. He was so relieved to hear from me. He kept telling me how much he missed me and how much he loves me. He said that he understood why I had to do what I did and he understood that I was serious. He couldn't believe that I kept ignoring his attempts to contact me. He said that he knows that he's got to get several things resolved on his end and that he intends to do so. I didn't ask what that meant. We chatted about generally about what we've both been doing and our upcoming plans. Turns out we're both going to be out of town in the same city weekend after next. He asked if he could see me while he was there and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He tried several attempts to convince me to see him but I told him no. He said that his brother was going to be sending me (and my son) an invitation to a birthday party coming up in a couple of weeks. I told him that surprised me because I would think that would be awkward for his family. He said his brother asked him what he should do and he told him to invite us. He said that he wouldn't be there because he has to be out of town that weekend. (That's the same weekend that we'll both be out of town in the same city). I told him that I couldn't go but that I appreciated that his family would be willing to include us. He said there were several things he wanted to tell me but that he knew that I would only feel like it was "more of the same" from him and so he wasn't going to say anything until he had something tangible to hand me. I didn't ask what he meant though I'm assuming he's talking about having papers filed. He said that when I called he was at his office and that he had gone in to work today to draft a financial agreement that he says the W wants them both to sign before the divorce is final making neither one of them liable for the other's debts. I was surprised to hear that he was actually getting the paperwork done. He mentioned that his mom told him that I had been by. He said that his parents really respected me for the way I handled myself and thought I was very classy about the whole thing. I asked if he was mad at me for going over to his parents and he said no. He said that he was glad that I did and glad that his parents were able to see a side of me that they ordinarily wouldn't have seen. He said he was happy that his Mom got to see one of the many reasons that he loves me...for my ability to handle even the most difficult things with class. I told him that I wasn't mad at him for the fact that we ended up where we are today. I said that I was frustrated with him for the fact that each day that goes with things like this is just another day that we've wasted. He said he understood. I'm encouraged to hear that it seems like he's making progress but I'm not willing to go back to what we were until I see something tangible. He asked if he could call me and I told him that I just didn't think it was a good idea...that it wouldn't change anything. He didn't really say much about that. I told him to take care of himself. He started to cry. He told me that he loved me. I told him that I loved him and said goodbye. There was no talk of if or when we would talk again. I asked him about returning my things and he asked if we could just wait a little while longer on that. He said if I really wanted to do it now he would but that he would like to just give it a little more time. I said fine. That's about it. I debated all day about calling him worried that I would feel worse after talking to him or that it would set me back. It didn't If anything I was able to get a little more off my chest with him and still feel like I've held my ground on us not getting back together until there is a resolution. I guess the hard part now for me is waiting to see what is next.
Jinxx Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I told him that I wasn't mad at him for the fact that we ended up where we are today. I said that I was frustrated with him for the fact that each day that goes with things like this is just another day that we've wasted. He said he understood. Oh it is frustrating isn't it?! I am NC also and God oh God how I want to call him, email him and spill my guts. Hurts like friggin hell. Keep your chin up. It sounds like it was a positivie experience for you by caving in.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 How do you feel now Baileykeg? I'm not a great believer in NC. I think NC is used more as an ultimatum to get answers - rightly so - but sometimes, it's important to get answers before NC commences. I think it sounds like a good "boundary" talk - you have set the boundaries for your relationship i.e. show me your papers and we can move on with our R. He knows what he has to do and knows why he has to do it. I would be very cautious about the invitations - he has put the seed in your mind about meeting with him. Then it's going to dig away at you - I would try and remain NC during this time. Play the long game, if he wants you, he'll file as soon as he can.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 I feel....calm right now. Better than I did when I was struggling all day as to whether I should call him or now. I don't regret breaking NC and talking to him. I still feel the same as far as why I needed to do NC and I think that I need to continue to remain distant from him. He still needs to get his issues resolved before we can continue. That hasn't and won't change. I don't intend by breaking NC today to get back into the cycle of us seeing/talking to each other. I am wary of the invitations but as of right now I'm not tempted. It's a little confusing (and I guess maybe gives me some hope) about him telling his brother to invite me to the family birthday party. I would think that if things were going to be over for us that he wouldn't have told his brother to invite me. That's all that I've read into that though. As far as the invitation when we are both out of town I don't intend to see him for the same reason that I kept NC as long as I did...we can't go forward until he files the papers. Seeing each other would only be slipping back into the old ways of me accepting his situation and him doing nothing. I won't go back there again. I'm kind of at a loss as to how I feel going forward from here. I imigine (and yes I must say hope) that he will contact me again soon. I hope that by our talking today though that he realizes that I truly am no longer willing to accept our relationship as it was and that he has to resolve his issues for us to be able to go forward. I hope that he will accept that and contact me again when he has actually taken steps toward resolving his issues. Other than that, I really don't know what to expect.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I feel....calm right now. Hate to say it, ofcourse you do because you got your "fix" of talking to him. What happens in another 5-10 days if you two don't talk again? How are you going to feel then? I know you are going to handle this the way you want to, but by still being involved in his life, maybe going to the upcoming party, talking to his folks...HE knows you're "still" there and things won't change. HE has to feel like life is like without you in it AT ALL. By keeping intouch with him, even once every few weeks, isn't going to help. I hope he is seeking therapy for himself to sort out what he wants out of life. You or his wife.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 WWIU...that's fair. I appreciate what you are saying...maybe you are even right about me needing a "fix". I feel though that this time is indeed different for us. I am (and I know it doesn't seem like it) trying very hard with NC. 11 days is the longest I've ever done. I feel like though that at least I've stood my ground and told him what I will and won't tolerate anymore. Maybe our talking does or doesn't prompt him to do something...I don't know. I just know that I'm not willing to go back to our relationship the way that it was. He has to be divorced before I will continue to see him. What happens from here is up to him as far as if we see each other again. Maybe there's a better way to do NC but for me I'm doing the very best I can right now.
NoIDidn't Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Bailey Not to kick you again, so to speak, but I totally agree with WWIU. You got your fix, you heard his voice, you even spoke your peace with him, but in the end it will only open up the need to do it again and again and again. I speak from experience. And I know you will seek it again, because your last sentence was "so what's next". The best thing for both of you is complete NC. No more phone calls. No emails, texts, anything. It must all cease. And it must do so for at least 30 days so that you have the chance to clear your head. You love him, and he loves you. But what's love got to do with it? Go back to NC. Total NC. Don't look him up in the other city. Don't answer his calls. Make yourself unavailable. You need this time to rebuild Bailey. Use it wisely.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I understand and I hope I haven't come off harsh at all. I just know that I'm not willing to go back to our relationship the way that it was. He has to be divorced before I will continue to see him. It may not be enough for you, but what is enough for him? What I mean by that is, is HE content just once in a while talking to you, just knowing you're still a part of his life, even in a small way? My point is, NC will get him off his butt and DO something instead of waiting and doing nothing. By being intouch with him, it enables his behaviour to just continue as it is now...Yes, the relationship isn't as it was, but feelings are still being fed. For both of you. NID's post makes more sense than mine...LOL (I think I have a steak, potatoe, salad high right now, I'm stuffed and can't think properly at the moment!)
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 I get where you are both coming from and perhaps you are both right. I don't know. This situation is so hard. I don't want to start a back-and-forth with him like we've had in the past. I know my breaking NC today gives that impression. I don't intend to see him AT ALL until he tells me that the papers have been finalized. There is no point otherwise. I know that. Perhaps talking to him today will cause him not to be as "motivated" than if we haden't spoken. I can't say for sure. I do know that not being able to see me is very difficult for him and not what he wants. Therefore, I feel like he still has some motivation to get things done. Time will tell. For now, I anticipate my response will be to him (should he try to contact me again any time soon) that it is best that we don't contact each other again until he has finalized his divorce. At that point the burden is on me to not cave any more and contact him.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Just keep plugging away, BK...you're strong...no one expects perfection...do what you think you need to...we're here to help and support you...what you're doing is hard and one convo is not the end of the world...
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 FWIW, I think that SOME contact is helpful at times. Men are very good at putting their head down and getting on with life, while we agonise about what is going through their minds and whether they've acted... they're often just waiting for another push from their SO. I think that as long as they know you're serious, and not content to coast along, then actions can happen NC or no NC. But please, Bailykeg, you must be completely worn out with all this. Why not look at this NC as a time for you to regroup, recoup, chill out, and spend some uncomplicated time with friends and family? Don't you deserve that..?
PoshPrincess Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Bailey, I have to say I agree with WWIU and NoIDidn't although I won't bang on about it too much! I've been there and sometimes did feel better for talking to MM (having got my 'fix'!) I just hope that you won't feel like it's been one step forward, two steps back, as I sometimes did. I do think you're doing well and being strong but I would say have no contact WHATSOEVER now unless he has something tangible to tell you. As with my exMM, I think that as long as they have some contact with you (when it suits them) they're sometimes happy with that. I hope this isn't the case for you. As has been said before, he needs to know what it's like to completely be without you so that he can have the courage to face up to what it is he really wants!
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thanks everyone. I do appreciate all of your support. I do intend to stay strong with not resuming our relationship as I have always done in the past. He's got to get his stuff resolved and then we will see. I think I've got a lot of my own issues to work out with what his actions have done to our relationship. I've been thinking....IF..and that's a great big IF....let's say that he does file and comes to me with papers. What is the best way for me at that time to deal with all of the anger and frustration I have toward him about what his selfish behavior has done to me and our relationship? I can't just pretend those feelings aren't there even if we were able to go forward free and clear. I know I could talk to him about how I'm feeling if and when that scenerio ever were to happen but I'm just not sure if I'm making too big a deal out of something or not. Would I be wrong? Ok...enough of my fantasy thoughts...back to reality today. Back to NC although I expect to hear from him some time in the next two weeks in order to try to wear me down about getting together when we are both out of town. Fortunately, he doesn't know where I'll be staying while I am there so I'm safe from any surprise contact attempts.
GreenEyedLady Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I've been thinking....IF..and that's a great big IF....let's say that he does file and comes to me with papers. What is the best way for me at that time to deal with all of the anger and frustration I have toward him about what his selfish behavior has done to me and our relationship? Well, at that time, you may feel differently...you may have moved on and be happy with your life, without him in it...or you may still love him and be ready to go forward with him...only time will tell if he follows through and how you'll feel when it's finally over...GOOD LUCK!
DarkBlue Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 O.K. Don't mean to jack the thread and take away from the focus being on you BaileyKeg.. but I thought this was a good thread to report an update on my own situation I brought up awhile back I posted at this thread. From my experience the "no contact" thing is kinda dumb, but at the same time it's not. It gives you time to think... and boy did I sit there and think for the last few weeks that I put us through NC... (He did not even know we were going through NC.. I just artfully dodged all places I knew he'd be at or around until one day a manager friend made a goof on scheduling times. She had assured me he didn't work a certain place I was doing a project with her on, on the weekends... and then he showed up that day that was part of the weekend she said he didn't work.) Needless to say when I saw him again I must have been giving off the vibe that I was uncomfortable or scared, because he was acting similarly.. we both seemed nervous.. we would hug but not kiss.. and even the hug came with an akward pause. I'm not sure what that was about.. maybe he had time to think too.. or I was just wearing my heart on my sleeve again.. but I'm trying not to read to much into it anymore because of how awesome things are on a freindship level now. ^_^ The gossip some of you mentioned might happen if we continued with the flirting and the games and such..well it happened despite me playing it safe because of some other jerk who had seen us flirting earlier on, got jealous because I wouldn't have anything to do with him, and assumed me and my MM friend had already started an affair... ( heaven forbid the reason I don't like him has nothing to do with me seeing anothe guy.. That it's just that I don't. like. him. period. grr. little creep. ) He told a whole lotta people this that we both know and have to work with. GRRRR! I feel really angry about that.. wtf? I do the right thing and and I'm still getting dirty looks and people I have to work with daily whispering about me and giggling at what they think they know is going on? UGH. It makes me want to be like "Well if we're going to get blamed for it anywaaaayyy...might as well..." (ha) (not really though.. that's just me trying to laugh it off..) Anyway, I realized avoiding him and doing the NC thing was messing up the potential for our friendship to grow.. which was the reason I was doing it in the first place. I just stopped being a scaredy cat and asked him if we could have a talk. I realize now I was just doing NC as a way to stall or pause "the game" and it wasn't helping at all. Only making things worse. For me personally, I had a moment of clarity where I realized I was avoiding finding out the answers good or bad that you really need to know when your in the beg. stages to be able to decide if your feelings towards a MM are worth the struggle. I think alot of people fall into the OW trap and stay there because they need to fool themselves into thinking they might be able to be "the one" to fix all the "problems" the MM has, that probably don't even exist. They aren't willing to admit the thing that's making them interested is the mystery and the feeling of a game of cat and mouse. It's exciting and scary and addictive. Does he like me for real? Did that flirt mean something or was he just teasing because he knows he can make me blush? Would he? Would I? Could we? tee hee! That's simply scandalous! It just makes life more interesting.. but I found it was also extremely unhealthy and distracting. I found when I finally just requested a private moment and talked about what was bothering me about the gossip and people talking about us... It took away from the mystery and the games. His response to the whole thing helped me understand where we both stand and a HUGE anxiety was lifted that had been eating away at me for weeks of dodging seeing my MM after getting the advice to run and not look back. Doing NC permenantly is not always a good idea. I think I can relate to you Baily Keg because we both you and me had that moment where we just couldn't take it anymore. If NC is so hard that it distracts you from your own life, and there are questions that need to be answered that can be answered, that the MM is willing to answer that can put you at peace or help you find closure, I think it's best to break the NC because sometimes the outcome can be good... it was for me. We are deff. on the right track now.. My MM is being an amazing mentor and friend again... alot less flirting... and I sorta miss the flirting... but he's such a sweet heart.. he seems to know what I 'm thinking sometimes just by looking at me... he'll flirt just a bit now whenever I'm looking like I could use some flattery or cheering up, and then he goes back to being a good boy. I feel so peaceful now. I can still enjoy his company, and crush just a little, and know that he crushes back just a little, but that our respect for each other as co-workers and friends is strong enough to hold us back from doing anything irrational. Anyway, short summary, just another "Broke the NC and it went well" story.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Thanks everyone. I do appreciate all of your support. I do intend to stay strong with not resuming our relationship as I have always done in the past. He's got to get his stuff resolved and then we will see. I think I've got a lot of my own issues to work out with what his actions have done to our relationship. I've been thinking....IF..and that's a great big IF....let's say that he does file and comes to me with papers. What is the best way for me at that time to deal with all of the anger and frustration I have toward him about what his selfish behavior has done to me and our relationship? I can't just pretend those feelings aren't there even if we were able to go forward free and clear. I know I could talk to him about how I'm feeling if and when that scenerio ever were to happen but I'm just not sure if I'm making too big a deal out of something or not. Would I be wrong? I hope this doesn't come out all wrong BUT. You could start off, while you're in NC, in wondering why you have anger and frustration towards him for his inability to not move on... when you have made the choice to be with him, and have not moved on youself, and are still not moving on. Are you not blaming him for a situation in which you are as much equally at 'fault'..? Or at least entered into and continued the situation freely..? Secondly, I was chatting to a friend last night... haven't known him ALL that long... about 3 years or so I suppose. I always assumed he was divorced... I knew he had been married or at least had an ex-partner, and they have two kids. As long as I've know him, more or less, he's been with a problematic girlfriend, and that's what we talk about usually. But last night I asked him more about his ex, and childcare arrangements, custody, access, etc... and in the course of the conversation he told me... oh, no... he's not divorced. His wife and he haven't got round to it yet, mainly for tax reasons. Probably wouldn't unless he or she (she has a long-term boyfriend) wanted to get married. This isn't the only male friend I have who is separated, but not divorced, and BOTH parties happily apart and dating others, for a LONG time, and none of the parties in either case (that's a lot of people!) are in the slightest bit concerned about the divorces not having happened. And while I was talking I thought of you, bailykeg... and wondered... (and I'm worried about posting this, in case it's not really a case of this at all, but)... ... have you been focusing on his not being divorced as an overwhelming issue in your relationship. And making it something that you are pushing for and he's not bothered about...? Because, I was thinking... IF he's been pushed around by women in the past, and you're making this all about him being divorced or not, and have been for a while... then maybe, just maybe... there is a source for the problems. Of course this is probably highly controversial on this forum! And I wouldn't have said anything to be honest... but something in what you wrote about your anger at him made me think... are you in some way trying to dictate terms here and it's making him shrink away..? I may be TOTALLY off here, and quite possibly am, but I just thought I'd throw it into the mix, in case it rang any bells or ... whatever.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 So much to respond to...I'll try to cover everyone's questions... First, let me say that I am not only angry at him that I am angry at myself for choosing to stay in a relationship after I saw that the "cycle" of him telling me he would divorce and then not doing it started. That is 100% my fault and I take full blame for those decisions. I'm angry at myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself (even now when I can't maintain NC). That's part of my problem. I need to sort it all out. My anger towards him is for (1) telling me that he planned to divorce when he didn't intend to or knew that he wasn't capable and/or ready for whatever reason; (2) continuing to make up excuses when he knew he would end up hurting me and (3) for just plain not having the balls to step up and do what is right for him, her and me. It's a whole big hairball of emotions that I have about the situation...his role AND mine. Anyway, as far as the reasons that I want him divorced...yes, that has been a big issue for us. Primarily for the reason that we cannot move forward and make plans for our future until the legal technicalities are finalized. I'm sure if it was up to him he'd drag this out forever and hope that it would just "go away". He's made reference to that in the past. Problem is...it won't just "go away" and I'm no longer willing to sit and talk about our future if he's never going to be able to make it happen. I know he WANTS to be with me and WANTS all of the things we talk about but until he CAN give me those things there's no point. Kind of like dreaming about what you would do IF you won the lottery. So, yes, his being divorced is a big issue for me. It has been the one and only thing we've ever fought about the entire time we've been together. DarkBlue...thanks for sharing your story too. I don't regret breaking NC as it helped me answer some questions and for some reason help me to feel like I'm better able to stand my ground now about what I want to happen.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I hope this doesn't come out all wrong BUT. You could start off, while you're in NC, in wondering why you have anger and frustration towards him for his inability to not move on... when you have made the choice to be with him, and have not moved on youself, and are still not moving on. Are you not blaming him for a situation in which you are as much equally at 'fault'..? Or at least entered into and continued the situation freely..? I think Frannie makes an excellent point here Baileykeg...in the nicest possible way, we are all both to blame alongside our MM for not "moving on". ... have you been focusing on his not being divorced as an overwhelming issue in your relationship. And making it something that you are pushing for and he's not bothered about...? Because, I was thinking... IF he's been pushed around by women in the past, and you're making this all about him being divorced or not, and have been for a while... then maybe, just maybe... there is a source for the problems. I think this is also an excellent point (lol loving the frannie posts ). I'm in a similar situation Baileykeg. My MM is separated and I went through a phase of "Well, now he's separated how come he hasn't instantly filed?". I felt angry toward him too, as though he was secretly still wanting his M and just letting me tag on while he decided. But I then came to question myself - I'd waited for a year, I had never ever put pressure on him to leave his M as I wanted it to be his decision fully. Why was it so important to me that he filed quickly? I guess I was scared that we would lose our momentum. On his part though, a D signifies the end of the relationship. But it also signifies the ability to re-marry. Maybe this scares him? Maybe things are moving too fast for him (I know they're not moving fast enough for you but there's no rules to say how long a piece of string should be)
Author Baileykeg Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 I'm not in a rush to get married. That's not why I want him to get divorced. I've told him repeatedly that I don't expect him to sign papers and turn around and put a ring on my finger. All I have ever wanted is for us to have a relationship and it be just the TWO of us. Where we go from there....who knows. I've told him this over and over. We've talked about it and he says that HE is the one that is getting ahead of himself in looking at our relationship too far down the road. Then he freaks himself out. I told him to stop putting us so far in the future and let's just the TWO of us focus on what our relationship is once the divorce is final. Does he want to marry again? Yes, he's told me that he does.
Meredith63 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 What is the best way for me at that time to deal with all of the anger and frustration I have toward him about what his selfish behavior has done to me and our relationship?" Bailey - I think one of the big problems in these types of R's is that OW's do build up lots of frustration and resentment towards the MM, especially if the R has gone on for a while, with nothing changing. I don't see that changing until if/when your MM leaves. Then you will need to make a conscious decision to put the past behind you and move forward with your relationship. Hugs! I know this is not an easy time.
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm not in a rush to get married. That's not why I want him to get divorced. I've told him repeatedly that I don't expect him to sign papers and turn around and put a ring on my finger. All I have ever wanted is for us to have a relationship and it be just the TWO of us. Where we go from there....who knows. I've told him this over and over. We've talked about it and he says that HE is the one that is getting ahead of himself in looking at our relationship too far down the road. Then he freaks himself out. I told him to stop putting us so far in the future and let's just the TWO of us focus on what our relationship is once the divorce is final. Does he want to marry again? Yes, he's told me that he does. So why have you had to tell him 'repeatedly' that that's not what you want..? This is obviously a sticking point between the two of you. Maybe it's getting in the way of the relationship as it is... maybe that's where the issues lie (or some of them..?). As I said in my earlier post, I have two good male friends, both separated, both dating and happy and seeing how it goes with those women. In neither case did they ever mention being married as a factor one way or another... it wasn't an issue for them or the girlfriends concerned. It's odd for me to think about it, actually. It's never really occurred to me before. Perhaps it's really NOT such a big deal to men who are separated, or their separated wives either... til it comes time to marry... if and when that occurs. I have certainly seen that in people I know. On the other hand. I would go back to a post you made some time ago that I commented on. And that was your MM saying he still had some feelings for his wife. Or, as you/he put it 'I have feelings for you I don't have for my wife'. I said at the time, I didn't think that said a lot for you, and it felt like that might hold things up for your future. More than the paper and what it means, I think that the relationships and how they are are more important... if he still feels something for her, however small... he has to deal with that before he divorces. At the same time... you focusing on a piece of paper may just be making him feel even worse, and more defensive... and actually holding up how he feels for you..?
frannie Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm not in a rush to get married. That's not why I want him to get divorced. I've told him repeatedly that I don't expect him to sign papers and turn around and put a ring on my finger. All I have ever wanted is for us to have a relationship and it be just the TWO of us. Where we go from there....who knows. I've told him this over and over. We've talked about it and he says that HE is the one that is getting ahead of himself in looking at our relationship too far down the road. Then he freaks himself out. I told him to stop putting us so far in the future and let's just the TWO of us focus on what our relationship is once the divorce is final. Does he want to marry again? Yes, he's told me that he does. So why have you had to tell him 'repeatedly' that that's not what you want..? This is obviously a sticking point between the two of you. Maybe it's getting in the way of the relationship as it is... maybe that's where the issues lie (or some of them..?). As I said in my earlier post, I have two good male friends, both separated, both dating and happy and seeing how it goes with those women. In neither case did they ever mention being married as a factor one way or another... it wasn't an issue for them or the girlfriends concerned. It's odd for me to think about it, actually. It's never really occurred to me before. Perhaps it's really NOT such a big deal to men who are separated, or their separated wives either... til it comes time to marry... if and when that occurs. I have certainly seen that in people I know. On the other hand. I would go back to a post you made some time ago that I commented on. And that was your MM saying he still had some feelings for his wife. Or, as you/he put it 'I have feelings for you I don't have for my wife'. I said at the time, I didn't think that said a lot for you, and it felt like that might hold things up for your future. More than the paper and what it means, I think that the relationships and how they are are more important... if he still feels something for her, however small... he has to deal with that before he divorces. At the same time... you focusing on a piece of paper may just be making him feel even worse, and more defensive... and actually holding up how he feels for you..?
Author Baileykeg Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 I've told him repeatedly because we've had the same conversation multiple times. Not because I'm harping on the issue. It's all been part of the cycle....he tells me he wants a future with me, we talk about what is next for us, the issue of him divorcing comes up...we talk about our expectations from there, bla, bla, bla. That's why I said I've told him repeatedly. As far as him saying he had feeling for me he didn't have for her...I don't think you understood the context. It was a positive thing. He was indicating to me that the love and passion he feels for me he no longer feels for her. I don't think I'm "focusing" on the divorce. I know it sounds like that because that's all I've been posting about lately. I don't think though that the divorce couldn't be anything but the main issue for us right now because unless he decides to go through with it our relationship is over.
puddleofmud Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 BK: you have been placed in a "pressure keg" for a long time with many obstacles and many (even kind) influences. Speaking w/ MM may be what is easing the pressure--but as always--and as you so well state--there has been no ACTUAL/REALISTIC relief. Continue to stand up for your dreams to be married and have children no matter what it takes! Take care of yourself and continue to believe in YOU! Hugs to you!
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 You need to actually be thinking about practicing NC.. that is where you don't contact him anymore because he can not give you what you need in life to be happy.. You then move on.. NC.. you ought to try it... in order to be considered to be in NC you have to make it more than a week or so before you contact .. I can't figure out what it is that you got out of contacting him.. he filled your head full of more garbage that just messes with your head.. Self defeating behavior is exactly that.. self defeating behavior... Only you control this type of behavior..
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