Should we keep trying?

[SEAcrazy]

Hi All,

 

I have been lurking around these forums for several months. I am at a loss for what to do at this point and thought I would post for thoughts here.

 

My H had a PA in July 2006. I found out, confronted him, and lots of time, discussions, and heartache later we agreed to work it out and began MC. I must say that I trusted him utterly and completely before this happened. I didn't think our marriage was perfect...having three small children close in age was very trying...but I thought things were starting to look up as they were getting older.

 

Quick synopsis:

• caught him
  
• decided to work things out, he agreed to break off contact with OW
  
• caught him in contact with OW again
  
• confronted him
  
• H actually broke contact (as far as I can tell) and has had no further contact with OW

As far as I can tell, my H has had no contact with the OW and has been honest and open with me about everything since then. However, he does not want to talk about things and wants to forget it ever happened and get on with our lives from this point.

 

I am having real problems with the whole thing. In December, I was really questioning whether or not I can live with things as they are. I feel like I sucked up a lot of pride to continue with this marriage, knowing he did not even respect me enough to bring up his issues regarding our marriage with me. I did a lot of reading on marriagebuilders.com and did a lot of contemplation on things. I decided that if things were going to be better then I had to be part of the solution. I told him that I was committing myself to us and the marriage. I felt we could work it out and move on. We were getting along well and I felt good about the decision.

 

Well, then he utterly and completely blew off my birthday in January. I am not a big bday person...I do not expect gifts, cakes, or flowers. However, I do expect a "Happy Birthday" from my H. He did not tell the kids either so they did not wish their Mom a "Happy Birthday". I was really hurt by this and blew up. Words like "inconsiderate" popped out of my mouth. He told me my reaction was stupid, I wasn't a big birthday person anyway, and his everyday actions should speak for themselves, not these one-time events.

 

Well, I am back to questioning my decision to continue with this marriage. He seems to have no consideration for me if he can't even wish me a Happy Birthday. My trust issues are back in full force and I constantly dwell on our relationship. Nothing in his behavior or email points to continued contact with the OW. I also have a keystroke logger on our computer and nothing has turned up there. We are still in MC but have not had an appt since the birthday debacle. (We do have an appt tomorrow.)

 

So, for those of you who have stayed with your WS...has it been worth it? Do you ever trust them again? How can you live with this on a daily basis?

 

SEAcrazy

3 kids, ages 7, 6, 5

married 13 years

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, SEAcrazy, as one who has been through the affair/divorce process (like you, I was the BS), it tends to create chaos and uncertainty for both parties involved. You don't specifically say so, but did your H just forget? Not trying to defend him, but, under the circumstances, it is possible.

 

With 3 kids, you two have much at stake. My advice would be to not sweat the small stuff and try and keep focused on the bigger issues involved. I understand how easy it is to obsess on certain things and give them extra weight and meaning, but this doesn't strike me as one of those things. Good luck to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Is the OW married as well? I suggest you and your husband sit down and draft up an email to her, telling her under NO circumstances is she to contact your husband again. And, if she does, you WILL be intouch with HER husband/boyfriend (if she is married.)

 

Have you and your H gone to marriage counselling? Also, maybe individual counselling would be a good idea for both of you as well...

 

I am going to find a link for you to read, a previous poster who's wife had an affair on him. It is very long, but worth the read.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Here's the thread, and I hope it helps you.

 

Keep posting, there are alot of people here who can help you with what you're going through.

[BeenAround_N_Back]

The trust does come back... but it takes a while. I am still working on the trust after D day in Feb 2006. The marriage can be worth it if things improve. I have dealt with it on a daily basis but things do get easier. I have children involved but if the A happens again, I have no problems leaving because I will not teach my children that it is right to have someone disrespects you in this way. good luck with your case. I do find it a bit weird that your H already lied once about breaking off contact and didn't and now he does not want to talk about this. he should be an open book if he wants to work on things. Good luck!

[SEAcrazy]

All,

 

I'm sorry for not posting right back. My husband changed jobs and I feel like I finally have a minute with the new schedule.

 

I just lost a really long post so here's my quick summary.

 

The other woman was unmarried and 22.

 

My husband did not forget my birthday. He was "punishing" me for a conversation we had the previous weekend. We had gone on a date and I started a conversation about our relationship. Well, he just wanted to have fun on the date and it made him mad that I started talking about us. He didn't tell me any of that, however. Blowing off my birthday was his passive/aggressive way to get back at me.

 

The above came out in counseling (we have been in MC for a few months). At that, I told him that if he wanted to continue the high school theatrics that he could go find another relationship. The MC gave him some reading material on restoring trust. He seems to be more open and willing to talk about things at this point. He canceled a poker game to stay home with me one night when I was having a hard time with things. That's promising.

 

I am up and down on a day to day basis, and sometimes worry that I am only staying in this relationship for the kids. I do love him, and he is a great father, but between the affair, lying about continuing contact, me committing to making this work with him in December, and him then stomping on me a bit more to blow off my birthday, I am not in a good place with this right now.

 

Thanks for the support, all.

 

SEAcrazy

[whichwayisup]

See what he has to realize, he thinks he was punishing you, he infact, punished the kids too. Your H may not like Bday's, but when ya have kids in the mix, it HAS to be important. It's just something a dad/husband does for his wife, mother of his children. LETTING the kids know so they can celebrate your bday too.

 

Let's hope he continues to make effort. And work on himself in the process.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Trialbyfire]

One question comes to mind for me. How in the world did he find time to have an affair if you two have three kids? To me a man who's seriously interested in his kids needs to spend time with them and you. Did he defer his family time to spend time with his OW? If so, he's not much of a father and husband. Sorry, I don't mean this to hurt you.

[mum2three]

I still ask myself that question! The way I found out was thru cell phone calls. Things just didn't add up though he denied anything happened. But we have 3 toddlers and he can still walk away and rewrite our M.

[SEAcrazy]

Business trips. He ran a business on the side, and had been for several years, that required multiple business trips out of town a year (Yeah, I try not to think to hard on that one).

 

He was acting really strangely when he came home from the last trip. After a few days I checked his email to see if I could glean what was going on with him and the odd behavior. There were emails from and to a buddy of his at this location detailing the whole affair. He hooked up with her on the trips.