inthegroove Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Hi - I'm hoping people here can help me with a problem I'm having. I am a 35 y/o guy, four months into a relationship with a fantastic 34 y/o woman. Almost everything between us is wonderful, but I feel like my needs for affection are not being met. I feel like it's always me touching or kissing her, and that she never initiates that. We've talked about it, and she reassures me that it doesn't mean she loves me any less - she says she's just not as affectionate a person. This applies to sex too – compared to her, I have a relatively active sex drive - I would like to be having sex about 5 times per week. We are currently doing it about twice a week, and it's always me initiating things. Again, she reassures me that it has nothing to do with how she feels about me. The rest of the relationship is great, so I really want to work through this, but I don't know what the solution is. If she’s not feeling like being affectionate toward me, I don’t want her to do it just because she knows I want her to. At the same time, I feel like I really need more from her in that respect. If anyone has any ideas about how I can deal with this, I’d really appreciate hearing from you – thanks!!
Poboy Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 there are many people who are just not that affectionate in terms of showing it even though they are from inside ... since its just 4 months , she might be still shy and reserved in expressing. well if this continues for sometime , its fine but in the long run , it sure can lead to problems if one is expecting a lot from the other and its not met... so keeping that in mind , work with her in communicating whats not happening between the two of you , if its works ... good but if its still the same , you make the decision if its worth for all she is or not for what she isnt. and yeah , 5 times a week is asking a lot ... you might want to recheck your expectation levels too
polywog Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Maybe you should try to just back off a bit just to see if the space it makes makes her more affectionate to you. Kind of knock it off balance and see what happens. Maybe this dynamic has become a habit you two have just fallen into. Bet this will change things.
norajane Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Some people aren't naturally demonstrative with their affection...depends a lot on what kind of home they grew up in and how her family showed their love and affection to each other. Also, people show their affection differently. Some do it through words, like saying I love you frequently, or complimenting how you look or something you've done. Others do it through spending quanity or quality time with you and by giving you undivided attention when you're together. Some people are gift-givers, and others show it by doing things for you like picking up your favorite wine or making you dinner, or fixing your garbage disposal. Maybe your lady does one of those things rather than showing affection through touches and kisses. I know I'd be mighty disappointed if I expected my guy to say I love you all the time, but he installed air deflectors for my heating vents this weekend and replaced my car battery in the dead of night this winter. He's not likely to bring me gifts for no reason, but he rips all his new CDs onto my iPod, and when we're out together, he never looks around to see who else is there and is only looking at me. You just have to accept your lady for who she is if she does show affection in other ways. As for the sex, well do you actually see each other 5 times a week or only twice a week? The sex may be a function of how much time you actually have available to spend together.
Audero Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 As others have said, people have different ideas of how to show affection. My SO left an 8 year marriage partly because his ex never could should affection and he felt so unloved. This can become a very big issue when you live with it day in, day out, for years. While some may say that it's a small part of the relationship, and no real reason to end it....if you don't get the affection/attention you need, you are going to be unhappy, and may turn resentful. If you can work through it, and accept her for who she is & how she shows her affection - great. If not, it isn't fair to hold it against her for who she is.
Road Rage Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 There is another active thread right now similar to this one where a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman got raves reviews from a couple of those posting.
Krytellan Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 As other people have said, language and such. My ex-wife was not affectionate either. It took a while for me to realize how important it was to me. You need to really decide how important physical affection is to you. If it's something you honestly need, you need to figure out what to do, which may mean moving on. People don't just start being affectionate because you want them to, unfortunately.
begood2urself Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hello InTheGroove, I feel you 100%. I am in a similar boat. None of these answers did it for me personally. I guess it's a hard one to deal with. My GF is really affectionate and pays a lot of attention to me, but she never french kisses me!! She pecks me a lot, I mean a whole lot, but she never kisses me for reals, not even when it's just me and her in priviate. Unless we are about to/or having sex. Which brings me to my/your issue as well. The sex part. How can you bring it up without putting pressure on your partner. I brought it up to my partner and things changed a little bit, but at least now I know why she does not have a sex drive as strong as mine. Sometimes it has to do with past sexual partners who have abused them. That is the case with my current gf, she had a partner who forced her to have sex when she was much younger, and it comes up for her in every relationship. As far as the initiating goes, i dont' know what to tell you. I am honestly thinking that maybe, I either need to accept her for how she is, or leave, because quite frankly I can't change anybody. It's something that she has to learn/want to do. So, honestly, suck it up or move on, but at least bring it up first so that she has a chance to change. Also give it a time limit, that is what I am doing. Say if you have expressed your needs and desires to her, and things haven't changed in 3 months, then really re-evaluate your relationship. I wish I had better advice, at least know that there are others out there with the same problem.
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Things can only get worse. At the beginning the affection and passion are at their highest level. If you would get married, she would probably have sex with you once a month. and yeah , 5 times a week is asking a lot ... you might want to recheck your expectation levels too Really?!?! You're 26 years old and you think that at the beginning of a relationship it's OK to have sex just twice a week? I think it's normal for two young people to have sex every day in the first few months.
Touche Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Totally agree with RP on this one. You can't change her and it will only be downhill for you from here. Yep, been there, done that. She's not the one for you.
dropdeadlegs Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 As other people have said, language and such. My ex-wife was not affectionate either. It took a while for me to realize how important it was to me. You need to really decide how important physical affection is to you. If it's something you honestly need, you need to figure out what to do, which may mean moving on. People don't just start being affectionate because you want them to, unfortunately. Physical affection is very important to me and I will not be with someone who cannot give that to me ever again. I went without for too many years. I begged him to show more affection, but it simply wasn't in his nature. We went to counseling, he thought the homework exercises were silly. He couldn't change who he was and I couldn't change what I needed. No advice, just my experience. norajane was spot on with her description of how people show their love. It's all about language.
Touche Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I just wanted to add a few thoughts: It's kind of weird this topic was started today. I'll explain: This morning, my H woke up and whispered in my ear: "I'm so glad I married you." I was kind of taken aback because he is affectionate but not usually in a verbal way like that. He asked me if I was still glad, after twelve years, to have married him. I said, "Can I get back to you on that?":lmao: Of course I was kidding but I WAS curious (and of course touched) as to why he even asked me that in the first place. I asked him and he told me because he had a dream that we were only living together all these years. He said he was so happy to wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream...that he knew we were really married. :love: Anyway, all this to say that my ex-husband was the kind of man who didn't want to cuddle at night in bed and didn't liking saying "I love you" on a regular basis for fear that it would dilute the meaning. (I never quite grasped that concept....wonder why?) So I used to lie awake at night when I was married to this man dreaming...dreaming of the kind of man that I was lucky enough to end up with. The message here? Do not settle. Don't you deserve to have what you want and need from a woman?
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Totally agree with RP on this one. And I agree with you that you agree with me! Touche, you look delicious in your avatar! Slurp!
Krytellan Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I just wanted to add a few thoughts: It's kind of weird this topic was started today. I'll explain: This morning, my H woke up and whispered in my ear: "I'm so glad I married you." I was kind of taken aback because he is affectionate but not usually in a verbal way like that. He asked me if I was still glad, after twelve years, to have married him. I said, "Can I get back to you on that?":lmao: Of course I was kidding but I WAS curious (and of course touched) as to why he even asked me that in the first place. I asked him and he told me because he had a dream that we were only living together all these years. He said he was so happy to wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream...that he knew we were really married. :love: Anyway, all this to say that my ex-husband was the kind of man who didn't want to cuddle at night in bed and didn't liking saying "I love you" on a regular basis for fear that it would dilute the meaning. (I never quite grasped that concept....wonder why?) So I used to lie awake at night when I was married to this man dreaming...dreaming of the kind of man that I was lucky enough to end up with. The message here? Do not settle. Don't you deserve to have what you want and need from a woman? Wow, that's a great anecdote Touche. It made my night. Thanks for passing that along to us. (that's sincere, not sarcastic)
Touche Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Wow, that's a great anecdote Touche. It made my night. Thanks for passing that along to us. (that's sincere, not sarcastic) Thank you so much Krytellan. That was really nice of you. As for you, RP...GRRRR! I've gotten more compliments on my avatar since I changed it from my picture to the steak! I guess everyone is trying to tell me something? I mean no one ever said my avatar looked delicious before.
Author inthegroove Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 I really appreciate everyone's insight here. All your comments are really helpful, so thank you! Poboy - you're right, 4 months is a relatively short time, but I really don't think shyness is an issue. We do communicate pretty effectively, although we kind of have a role reversal of the classic gender stereotypes - I like to talk about feelings, etc., while she is more the strong, silent type. She is generally willing to discuss personal, emotional things, but she'd likely never bring them up. Polywog, I like the idea of trying to shake up the balance by just backing off. I have tried that, but maybe I should give it more of a shot. I find it hard to maintain that kind if distance for any length of time though, and I would worry that she'd be totally comfortable with very little affection flowing in either direction. It's a good idea though... Norajane, I think you hit the nail on the head - she has told me that she grew up in a home where affection was rarely expressed. Although her family was/is loving and supportive, they don't talk about feelings, let alone express them through any kind of affection. She has said that she wants affection though, and that one of the things she loves about me is that she feels that being more expressive is something she can learn from me. To answer your question regarding opportunities for sex, we live together (yes, I realize it's unusual after such a short time together), so we are together every night. When we do have sex it's great for both of us, so I can't understand why she doesn't want it more, and I think the fact that (as I said) I am always the one initiating is a major part of this issue. I feel like the fact that I seem to be much more interested in sex than she is means that although she loves me, she is not as physically attracted to me. Deep emotions aside, I feel like I want her (physically) much more than she wants me, and I think that this is at the heart of this issue.
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