Baileykeg Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Help! I'm struggling so much today. I want to break NC. I miss him so much. It's been 11 days today since I walked away. He last tried to contact me on Friday night. I haven't responded but now I want to. I've done so well so far but now I don't have any strength left. I just want to talk to him for a little while. Is that so bad???
cbl Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Bailey... hang in there. call your best friend instead or go out for a movie. or think about what you "don't" miss about him when you were together. you've done so good so don't give up.
movinon05 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 BK, I know you're struggling. Just try to hang in there. Have faith. Find something to do to occupy yourself so you don't give in. ((((HUGS)))
SetMeFree Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I have been lurking on this board for a few weeks now, and I feel like I already "know" so many people on this board. I cannot tell you how many of these posts have helped me and given me the strength to break the cycle that I am in right now. So....a huge heartfelt "THANK YOU" to so many of the wonderful, caring posters on this board. Anyway, back to why I finally decided to post. Baileykeg, our situations are not entirely the same...none of these same situations have the same details, but the underlying basic facts are ALL THE SAME. And here is one truth that you should always try to remember...you say that "you miss him so much". Truly what you are missing is "the idea of him and what you want your relationship to be" and that is a very important distinction that you must always try to remember. This "idea of him" that you have is NOT REAL which is why any conversation you have with him will lead you down very frustrating paths and most importantly, will cause you to probably give in which will do nothing but make you feel terrible about yourself when it's all over. Your romantic idea of him will cause you to make decisions that are not based in any sort of reality. Because the reality of this situation is that he would "love" to have you back, but only on his terms. And you've already stated here many times that you can't live with those terms. So try role playing the conversation...this is what I have done in my situation when I want to contact my MM. Here's what I find when I role play: we will probably have about five minutes of a nice conversation and then we will be right back to the impasse. He hasn't made any changes, and I'm not willing to settle. So then what is there to talk about? I guarantee you that the only thing your conversation will do is allow you to hear his voice which will make you miss him even more. Then your judgement will be clouded, and you will eventually break down and decide to see him. When I feel like calling, I come here and read enough posts that help me to take my head out of my romantic clouds and bring me back down to reality. It's not a fun journey, but that thud back to reality is a lot less painful than the pain that I'll be in if I break down and initiate contact. It's best if you start training yourself that IT IS OVER, and that "idea of him" that you have will NEVER become a reality. Start putting yourself and your emotional well being first. This is what I am trying to do. Now...if we end up being one of the very, very few for which it works out...it will take our SO all of about five minutes to erase this new idea from our heads when he shows us concrete proof of how he has changed his life so that we can truly become a part of his life. Ok, I'm not sure I've stated my thoughts nearly as eloquently as other posters on this board, but I hope that you can see that I really only have your best interests at heart. Please, baileykeg, let's stay strong together. There is strength in numbers!!
frannie Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 No, it's not bad, but it will end you right up where you were before. You can do this. It's the only way you will get any kind of result. What are you thinking of..? That if you keep to NC he will think you don't love him any longer..? He knows better than that... look at how you've waited and been patient and kind and understanding for so long... He knows. Now he has to uphold his half of things... divorce, or leave you alone, right..?
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Remember, if you contact him it will make you feel wonderful for afew minutes/hours or a day...Then, you'll feel bad later, knowing that the situation itself is STILL the same. Is it worth it? I know you miss him alot, but nothing will change if you contact him. HE needs to get used to NOT having you in his life at all - Even a casual friendship. If you call him and talk to him, then the cycle is just going to repeat itself again. Hope that makes sense to you. Stay strong. Don't cave. If need be, write a letter to him 100x a day to help you cope -BUT do not send the letter, this is theraputic and for your eyes only.
Author Baileykeg Posted February 11, 2007 Author Posted February 11, 2007 Thanks everyone and welcome SetMeFree. Glad you decided to join us. There are many wonderful and supportive people here. Ignore those that choose to throw stones...they don't belong here and they are just trying to make trouble. I guess my struggle is that when I say I miss him I'm missing everything about him and what we were. I miss the conversation, the laughter, the help and the intimacy. All of it. I am having such a hard time "letting go" because part of me still has a sliver of hope that he will actually do what he's been telling me that he's "going" to do for almost a year now. I just don't want to give up on the hope that everything we shared wasn't real. If I give up that hope then I have to face the reality that I was an idiot and what we had wasn't real at all. If I give up then I have to face the fact that I allowed myself to be mislead and lied to for over 13 months. I just don't want to think that I am that stupid. I mean....I am a well educated, smart woman. How could I put myself in such a situation...to believe all the lies...if none of it was real?? I just can't accept that. I know he loves me. I see it. I feel it. That is why I want to contact him. I know what all of you are saying though and contacting him won't change anything. I know that. I am trying desparately to stay busy today and keep from reaching for the phone. I just finished cleaning the windows on the outside of the house....how's that for keeping busy? haha He last emailed me on Friday night. If I don't respond part of me is afraid that I won't hear from him again.
ratingsguy Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Remember, if you contact him it will make you feel wonderful for afew minutes/hours or a day...Then, you'll feel bad later, knowing that the situation itself is STILL the same. I couldn't have said it better myself. My MW had an amazing way of making me feel wonderful... even the last time I saw her when I said we shouldn't contact each other for a while! I should have been in tears, but instead I left in a happy mood. I didn't cry until the next day. You situation is a little different right now in that your MM is making attempts to contact you. My MW is not... for now. I will probably want to return a phone call, e-mail or text should I get one... and it will be difficult not to. But I have faith in my own strength and resolve. I guess the only advice I can give you is try to focus exclusively on the negative aspects of the R you had with your MM. Think about the statement you are making my maintaining NC. It's true, by NOT contacting him you say 100 times more than any conversation with him would offer. The first month is going to be the toughest... but it does get easier. I know not only because I'm currently in NC (day 8), but I've been through it before... even before I knew a concept like NC existed! Try to keep busy and good luck to you.
forbidden fruit Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I have been lurking on this board for a few weeks now, and I feel like I already "know" so many people on this board. I cannot tell you how many of these posts have helped me and given me the strength to break the cycle that I am in right now. So....a huge heartfelt "THANK YOU" to so many of the wonderful, caring posters on this board. Anyway, back to why I finally decided to post. Baileykeg, our situations are not entirely the same...none of these same situations have the same details, but the underlying basic facts are ALL THE SAME. And here is one truth that you should always try to remember...you say that "you miss him so much". Truly what you are missing is "the idea of him and what you want your relationship to be" and that is a very important distinction that you must always try to remember. This "idea of him" that you have is NOT REAL which is why any conversation you have with him will lead you down very frustrating paths and most importantly, will cause you to probably give in which will do nothing but make you feel terrible about yourself when it's all over. Your romantic idea of him will cause you to make decisions that are not based in any sort of reality. Because the reality of this situation is that he would "love" to have you back, but only on his terms. And you've already stated here many times that you can't live with those terms. So try role playing the conversation...this is what I have done in my situation when I want to contact my MM. Here's what I find when I role play: we will probably have about five minutes of a nice conversation and then we will be right back to the impasse. He hasn't made any changes, and I'm not willing to settle. So then what is there to talk about? I guarantee you that the only thing your conversation will do is allow you to hear his voice which will make you miss him even more. Then your judgement will be clouded, and you will eventually break down and decide to see him. When I feel like calling, I come here and read enough posts that help me to take my head out of my romantic clouds and bring me back down to reality. It's not a fun journey, but that thud back to reality is a lot less painful than the pain that I'll be in if I break down and initiate contact. It's best if you start training yourself that IT IS OVER, and that "idea of him" that you have will NEVER become a reality. Start putting yourself and your emotional well being first. This is what I am trying to do. Now...if we end up being one of the very, very few for which it works out...it will take our SO all of about five minutes to erase this new idea from our heads when he shows us concrete proof of how he has changed his life so that we can truly become a part of his life. Ok, I'm not sure I've stated my thoughts nearly as eloquently as other posters on this board, but I hope that you can see that I really only have your best interests at heart. Please, baileykeg, let's stay strong together. There is strength in numbers!! Setme free you could of not said it any better. I believed all of my mm's bull*** because maybe I though this time things would be different. Not true he just wanted me to do things on his terms. When I do not I go NC and then cave the minute he calls or comes around. We all have to break the cycle. We are not talking now because I told him if he comes near me or my family I would tell his W everything. Well he has shown his true colors. I am not surprised he is such a wimp. He thinks he is going to give me time and then I will come around again like I have a hundred times before. I know he is counting on it. However, what he does not know is that I am not coming around because like you said I have seen the reality. The reality is if he wanted to be with me he would find a way and since he is not and running back to his nest -it is over!! Let's stay strong together, but frankly it should not be hard because all we are is losing something we all truly never had . How can we all be upset if the mm never put us first. They don't even put their W first. The only thing that comes first is themselves!! What selfish ass***.
SetMeFree Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I guess my struggle is that when I say I miss him I'm missing everything about him and what we were. I miss the conversation, the laughter, the help and the intimacy. All of it. I am having such a hard time "letting go" because part of me still has a sliver of hope that he will actually do what he's been telling me that he's "going" to do for almost a year now. I just don't want to give up on the hope that everything we shared wasn't real. If I give up that hope then I have to face the reality that I was an idiot and what we had wasn't real at all. If I give up then I have to face the fact that I allowed myself to be mislead and lied to for over 13 months. I just don't want to think that I am that stupid. I mean....I am a well educated, smart woman. How could I put myself in such a situation...to believe all the lies...if none of it was real?? I just can't accept that. I know he loves me. I see it. I feel it. That is why I want to contact him. Thanks for the welcome, Baileykeg. I miss all the same things that you listed as well. There are all kinds of wonderful quotes out there about hope, but hope is not something that is a good thing to have in our situation. It's what keeps us from breaking the cycle and what ultimately causes us such pain. I don't think if you give up your hope, that it automatically means that you have to face a reality that you were an idiot and stupid. I too am well educated and smart, and I choose to believe the best about my MM (I'm sure some here would consider that to be extremely idiotic.) I think the feelings that my MM have for me are very real. But I guess I am older and wiser and have finally realized that love may not conquer all. Frannie said it very well on another thread...."people have a great capacity for living miserable lives when the alternative is a DIFFICULT path. Otherwise, why would anyone be in an affair? It's really difficult to end anything... and however much pain we're in, we still find it hard to walk away." Your MM has had what...at least a year of you holding out hope? This hope has helped you to make choices that have in the end caused you pain but has made his life much easier (i.e. keeping his life easy by not have to make difficult choices but still having you). Give yourself some credit...you will not easily be forgotten by him!! Human beings will always try for the easy way out, and for him the easy way out is to put an email out there and wait for your hope to kick in. Don't give in to that hope...make him experience life without you.
Guest Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Hi, BK Right now you're thinking there are two options (1) He will follow through on what he said he would do (DIVORCE) or (2) He was lying to you. There is a third option, one that is extremely common--HE IS WEAK. He wanted to do it, thought he could do it, planned to do it, but when push came to shove he just couldn't. That does not make him a liar, does not make you an idiot. It means you got caught with an MM who couldn't bear to divorce. That species is not rare. HUGS, PLEASE STAY STRONG
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