Guest Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I'm in an online long-distance relationship with this girl for almost a year now, and I just don't know what to do. I'll try to explain it as best I can. Her: had a really difficult childhood where she felt unloved/betrayed by her parents, so now she needs someone who really loves her..I know she loves me but it devastates her when she can't feel my love for her. There've been many times when she'll feel like I don't want to be with her (I say pretty straightforward things sometimes) and she would get really sensitive and stop sharing her life with me. The first couple times we'd talk through it, and resolve things. Sometimes, she'll just sign off MSN, not return my texts for hours, etc. She said the fear of me not loving her is just too difficult. But somehow, we'd always get back together. Then last week, I said some things about how I had to study and for her to play some games online. She took it the wrong way, thought that I was blowing her off, and started ignoring me. I really feel like she is the one, even though we've never met. We've been so open w/ each other and we can spend hours and hours together online, on the phone, or on webcam...I feel so much better when I'm around her, and I love how we just spend time together on the computer and forget about our lives. The thing that prevents us from being together is her belief that I don't really love her. It's like I'm a dream or something. We also live in different countries, and we both have our own separate lives. She's even said to me that she doesn't think it's the right time for us (probably not until after I graduate in a few years). But then the next day, we'd be right back spending the entire night together and professing our love for each other. I know things would be different if we were physically together, b/c I'd be there for her, and she would be able to fully trust me. Now, she's pretty much ignoring me again. Whenever I text her, she'll just write a 2 or 3 word answer. Like she just wants to answer my question and give nothing else. I think the more she shares with me, the more it hurts for her. She told me that she's never felt that unloved before in her life, and that she was never believing me again. I don't understand her..but I know for sure in my heart that she loves me. Does it just hurt too much to love someone and not have it returned back to you? To the point where you just shut them out completely to keep the pain from coming back? I feel like I've lost her for good this time.
LostHeart Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I dated a guy online for roughly six years before actually meeting him. What can I say? We were young and a meet-up couldn't be scheduled for awhile. Anyway, he turned 19 and had finally saved up money for a visit. I was nervous as heck because I honestly felt we were in love and it was a horrid thought that he'd come here and, after all this time, NOT love me in person. A month before his birthday or so and we flipped over and broke it off--mostly out of my issue with fearing his rejection. I wanted to keep things the same basically and it wasn't acceptable any longer in our relationship. Anyway, he practically forced himself coming. I was begging for him back and finally he said he was coming--the end of the matter. We met as friends only and I have to say it really eased me though I was still head over heels for him. It was easier for me to accept his rejection as friends-only is how I felt. He came and while we were driving the 1 1/2 hour drive back to my house we were talking a little and I knew he really did like who I was and there was no reason to be scared after all. I had gotten lost and a tear rolled down my cheek as I was trying to hide my fright from him and he wiped it away and smiled at me and I just knew how silly I had been. Chances are she's just confused. She probably does love you but now it's getting to the point that someone needs to make a move probably. She's making herself distant so she isn't hurt. Sounds like she has dependant personality disorder (nothing wrong with that--many people have this) and it is difficult to be rejected from someone she cares about. She also sounds like she has a lot of self-confidence issues and self-esteem issues and, to be quite honest, you really can't help much with that in your situation. Words can only go so far...she has to believe those words and sometimes people need to SEE what the words mean, you know? You say you know it'll be different when you two are physically together and it's true. You have to love her INSIDE though...every bit of her personality that you know...and you have to be so forgiving when meeting up. You have to realize how scared she is but how much she cares about you at the same time. You have to be open to rejection as well just in case she doesn't match up with you. To me it just seems like she's scared. She loves you and if you meet her maybe she will lose you for good, you know? That's how I thought for awhile and when he finally booked the flight I knew there wasn't any way out of it. The problem is, in every relationship like this there has to be a meet-up time and that is when the relationship can go further and some people are just so afraid of rejection that they never allow themselves to go that distance for love. By the way, it turned out great for me and my guy sparks flew like mad and we both live in separate countries. I'm glad he put his foot down about coming and it wasn't so bad after all.
LostHeart Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Oh, and I just wanted to add that if you ever need to talk with someone about these issues in a long-term online relationship I'm crazy open to talk about it. I know just about all the ins-and-outs of it after all of these years. My guy would also be open to talking about it, I'm sure, if it'd be more comfortable for you to talk with a guy. I hope things work out in the end for you two and don't let anyone ever tell you just because it's online it won't last. This was one of our flaws in the beginning of our relationship and it caused us quite a bit of confusion but it's worked out so well as of now.
confused89 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Hey LostHeart, This is Guest..I went ahead and registered so you could get my email address. Can you send me an email through the board? I'd love to talk to you about my situation. Or you can email me at [email protected] Oh, and I just wanted to add that if you ever need to talk with someone about these issues in a long-term online relationship I'm crazy open to talk about it. I know just about all the ins-and-outs of it after all of these years. My guy would also be open to talking about it, I'm sure, if it'd be more comfortable for you to talk with a guy. I hope things work out in the end for you two and don't let anyone ever tell you just because it's online it won't last. This was one of our flaws in the beginning of our relationship and it caused us quite a bit of confusion but it's worked out so well as of now.
BlueEyedSarah Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Sounds like she has no self esteem in herself due to her past. Its not a good thing that she does not trust that you love her or beleive you love her, sounds like she has no faith in the relationship and no confidence in the relationship. She needs to break the habit of just going offline and not talking about it with you because relationships need comunication to work out. She is not comunicating with you. If I was treated like this I would give them a taste of their own medicine and not text them back if they went offline as those seem like childish mind games to me. I don't know what has happened in her past and can't say I understand how she is feeling. But what I beleive I may know is the relationship is not going to work out very well if she keeps acting in this way.
stillafool Posted February 15, 2007 Posted February 15, 2007 [quote=Guest; Does it just hurt too much to love someone and not have it returned back to you? To the point where you just shut them out completely to keep the pain from coming back? In a nutshell - YES!!!!!!!!!
the_total_package Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Like you don't date other people in the real world? this is confusing to me, I don't get it. It's a REAL relationship? Like you kiss the computer screen? YOu don't consider this IN love, do you? You love each other as friends? are you not good at developing relationships in the real world?
Island Girl Posted February 16, 2007 Posted February 16, 2007 Like you don't date other people in the real world? this is confusing to me, I don't get it. It's a REAL relationship? Like you kiss the computer screen? YOu don't consider this IN love, do you? You love each other as friends? are you not good at developing relationships in the real world? Relationship is defined as an emotional or other connection between people. Yes they have a relationship. It is a LDR.
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