And the hits just keep on coming... Not sure how to proceed.

[stubbornbutnice]

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... I just did something stupid.

 

I was trying to guess my Hs email password becase of my newfound preoccupation with cheating... anyway... I did it one to many times and it locked it. Now when he logs in next time it's going to tell him he has to reset it... what the heck do I do about that. He's going to know it was me. What do I say?

 

Crap!!!

[stubbornbutnice]

Should I just be honest and say that I was trying to guess his email password becuase I got a bill that made me suspicous of him? I don't even know what to say to this one... freakin' h*ll... Gunny where are you when I need you??? LJ... Legs... I never do stuff like this... what do I say if he asks me about it?

[Gunny376]

Deny! Deny! Deny! :o :o

 

Be a Miss Scarlet ~ "Why Rhett, I don't know anything about those sort of things! I couldn't imagne!"

 

Don't outright lie ~ but flirt and skirt around it!

 

Say over and over again ~ "I don't know what you're talking about!"

 

You go about it right ~ and he'll think he did something stupid. I do it all the time ~ and the counter-check systems will force you to re-do it from time to time, I've just had to re-set the password to my bank account. It wasn't me ~ the damn system just wouldn't accept my password ~ so I had to re-set it! It happens all the time ~ don't worry about it!

 

Whatever you don't bring it up, if he does ~ just tell him he should write it down in a safe and secure place, so he'll remember it next time ~ I actually have a book that I keep such things in.

[dropdeadlegs]

Should I just be honest and say that I was trying to guess his email password becuase I got a bill that made me suspicous of him? I don't even know what to say to this one... freakin' h*ll... Gunny where are you when I need you??? LJ... Legs... I never do stuff like this... what do I say if he asks me about it?

Oh boy...I don't do things like that either, but in your situation I know I would have done it months ago. I'm pretty good at coming up with plausible explanations for things for myself, but without knowing a whole lot more about your lives in general, I don't think I can help.

 

However, I would probably try to come up with something reasonable and if he didn't buy it, I would 'fess up. I would justify it by stating that although you have asked, and he has answered, that you were trying to snoop to see if he is cheating. I would say that although he says there is nobody else involved, that the suddenness of his revelations just reeked of a third party; that I couldn't wrap my brain around anything else.

 

While that may not be justifiable to him, I probably wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Based on the present situation, how much harm could be done? He can change his email address, but what else can he really do other than be upset with you about it? You wouldn't have upset him if he hadn't done a sudden 180 on you when you least expected it.

 

Don't sweat it. Many people would have done the same thing. If I were him I would even forgive you.

[Gunny376]

Oh boy...I don't do things like that either, but in your situation I know I would have done it months ago. I'm pretty good at coming up with plausible explanations for things for myself, but without knowing a whole lot more about your lives in general, I don't think I can help.

 

However, I would probably try to come up with something reasonable and if he didn't buy it, I would 'fess up. I would justify it by stating that although you have asked, and he has answered, that you were trying to snoop to see if he is cheating. I would say that although he says there is nobody else involved, that the suddenness of his revelations just reeked of a third party; that I couldn't wrap my brain around anything else.

 

While that may not be justifiable to him, I probably wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Based on the present situation, how much harm could be done? He can change his email address, but what else can he really do other than be upset with you about it? You wouldn't have upset him if he hadn't done a sudden 180 on you when you least expected it.

 

Don't sweat it. Many people would have done the same thing. If I were him I would even forgive you.

 

Legs got a point!

 

What's he going to do? Tell you he doesn't want to be married to you anymore?

[Gunny376]

Hi my people...

 

ROTFLMAO! Maybe you should let him know, like the H&R Block commercial ~ "You've got People!" :lmao: :lmao:

[Ripples]

That whole 'friends' thing, SBN. Geez. Tell him you're not so desperate for friends that you need to have him as one of them.

[Ladyjane14]

He's going to know it was me. What do I say?

 

He's going to suspect it was you. He's not going to "know" anything unless you tell him.

 

Answer his questions with more questions. ie. "Why would I do that? Is there something in your emails that needs to be password protected? Is there something I'm not supposed to know about?"

 

Feel free to be a little snarky in your tone too. Why not.

 

p.s. Remember... he's the guy who wants the divorce. That makes him just another stranger off the street to you, and you don't answer the demands of strangers. You're at no obligation.

 

If you make the subject unpleasant enough... he'll be the first to want to change it. At that point, go ahead and remind him that you're not interested in being his chat buddy.

[stubbornbutnice]

Well the lawyer just made me tired... You guys know the deal I don't need to go in to all the details now but at least I know what I have to do when it's time. It's never fun to sit around dissecting your life with an attorney.

 

No word from the H... I don't expect there will be until this weekend... it will be when I'm having the most fun possible... becuase I am IRISH and it's my birthday this weekend so I'm going to paaaaarty.

 

I'm trying to think happy thoughts because going to the lawyer made me sad... I've talked to a lawyer already but not with ALL the details, this is the first really official thing I've done that acknowledges that I'm moving on. <sigh> I just want to be happy again:o .

 

Ok nap time... maybe I'll wake up a little less beat down. I'll be back!

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm not much for talking to lawyers either. Especially about personal matters.

 

I know these are only words, and hugs would be more appropriate, but I know how hard this has all been and you have my empathy. I hope to never walk in your shoes again, as I have retired mine from those days. They sure were worn out....

 

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you, anyway.

[stubbornbutnice]

Hey my people (yeah that was for you Gunny)... you're like my over-educated well spoken street gang:laugh: .

 

I am feeling much better... the H was a total jerk tonight... called me and told me to get a job... I'm a full time student right now finishing up becuase we were over seas. He's mad about my son's preschool and how that wasn't part of the financial "plan". Well it wasn't part of the plan to get divorced either. He basically just complained at me for 20 minutes... I just sat there for the most part. My son knew that "daddy" was on the phone and I'm very careful not to mention anything about this in front of him or argue in front of him for that matter. My H basically said I need to figure something out or take our son out of school. You guys know I've been pretty quiet with him... he's walked on me quite a bit... but you DO NOT MESS WITH MY CHILD'S HAPPINESS YOU SELFISH, SELFISH MAN!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so freakin' hot right now. It was completely clear from the conversation that he's not thinking about anything but HIS grand plan... what he wants HIS life to be like after this is all said and done. He's not even thinking about his son. SELFISH!

 

We got off the phone and it was a pretty brusk goodbye... he was pissy. Anyway then he tries to call my phone 10 times... Then I get home and he had tried to call the house a few times... it was 10 at night. People are freaking sleeping, including his son. My cell was on silent so I didn't even realize that he called until right after... probably for the best... I didn't want to talk anyway. What did he want to do kick me some more? Complain at me about something else?

 

Uhhhhhhh... It's amazing how one little phone call can make you look at someone completely differently. Crazy.

 

Ok I'm done ranting now... for everyone reading

 

"Insert your rant here ___________________________"

 

I know you guys want to... go ahead..... rant with me:D .

[Gunny376]

That he wants to take your son out of pre-school, doesn't he know that in the day and age ~ kids need every head start they can get!!

 

Dosen't he understand that education is based upon a building block with cap-stone courses? A kid that doesn't know how to use a computer these days or has poor keyboarding skills is handicapped ~ not to mention how to read, write, do math. That's one of the things that amazed me when I got back out here iin civilian la~la land was how many people or illiterate to the things.

 

The way things are going? A child your son's age is going to be somewhat handicapped if they can't speak Spanish. I know, they shoiuld have to learn how to speak English of crying out loud if they're going to come to this country ~ but that's just the cold hard facts of the matter.

 

What is with this guy and money ~ I guess its crimping his style over there, and he can't go down and buy all the goodies at the PX that they can't get over here duty free? God forbid that he has to give up "his" car and scarifice a little for his son.

 

I'm sorry, that in and of itself would have been the deal breaker for me.

 

Granted I'm talking about over 20 years ago, but when I went on my first overseas, un-accompained tour to Okinawa back in 82' I cut an allotment for all of my pay except for $100. That was more than enough to get what I had to have (shaving cream, razor blades, etc) from the PX. I ate in the messhall, gave Mama-san $20, for that she shinned my boots, ironed my uniforms, starched my cover, cleaned my room, made my bed etc. and I still have money to go to the Staff Noncommissioned Officers Club and drink a couple of beers. I sent the rest home to the wife and children. Even put the step-daughter in private school on Staff Sergeant (E-7) pay.

 

Your going to school to finsih your degree is a short-term decision with long term consequences ~ and long term pay off. With things going the way they are with the DH ~ the last thing I would do is quit going to school, even if it means you had to cut back to part-time, its true what they say, once you drop out, you'll pay the Devil finding the time or the right time, or the money to get back in .

 

When I spoke to the shark ~ I mean your lawyer again, I'd shoot for the moon to include him ponying up for pre-school, transportation cost to and from your residence at his expense, chilid support, spousal support, your claiming the DS as a dependent and everything else I could get.

 

Meanwhile I'd be setting up some very strict parameters and bounderies as to when he could call, etc, and when he did call he'd be talking with the DS, and not me. Any, "business" he wanted to discuss he could discuss via e-mail (papertrail) or through my attorney ~ he wouldn't be calling me again "going-off"

 

The two things that you absoutely must do in all of this is to maintain your center of consciness ~ your sense of self-worth, being, ~ your self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth ~ don't let him wear and tear you down.

 

The other is to stand up to him ~ if he can't act and talk civil ~ hang up on him. But, you absolutely must not let him bully you into doing what you believe is not in your own self intersts and the best interest of your child. Because of the way this thing is going down ~ you might wnat to consider getting a job, and pursuing your education part time, but not because he wants you to get one ~ but because you want to get one, and I wouldn't be taking the DS out of pre-school unless I just absolutely had to!

[dropdeadlegs]

If he was willing to pay for preschool prior to his decision to end the marriage, he should be willing to pay it now. The child's lifestyle is ideally not supposed to change in the event of a divorce.

 

I also believe you have the right to continue your education if that was acceptable before. In the long run, it would benefit you H since child support is based on the income of both parents, and your education would certainly be conducive to a higher income for yourself for many years after you complete your studies.

 

Did you speak to your lawyer about how the laws in your state treat these types of issues? I think that since these two things were in place prior to the day your H called that you have rights to continue. Especially since he is the one who wants to divorce.

 

I think he's taking the gloves off. The guilt must be waning and the selfishness is growing even bigger. That is a common reaction in a divorce situation which was why I suggested getting your world in order and something signed before he got his bearings.

[stubbornbutnice]

Well kids... that's it... it's OVER:( .

 

The H called me tonight all mad becuase of a purchase I had made (under $200) and said that was the last straw. He said that I need to open my own account and he will give me an allotment and I need to live off that. He said that me not working was not part of the plan, and I said Oh I'm so sorry that I've been a little our of it lately because my H called to let me know that he wanted a divorce... I said that wasn't part of the plan either. It's not like I'm paying rent of racking up all of these living expenses. I'm with family right now. I'm living for free basically. I did that so we could save money while he was gone.

 

He went on about our son's school again, and that I should pull him out until I get a job. I said clearly you have this whole life you have planned for yourself when you get out. You don't want any debt and you have it all figured out, but I'm here dealing with everything. I'm the one planning for things like your son's health insurance, or the car I have to buy, or the house he needs to have. You're over there hiding out and you don't have to deal with any of it.

 

We didn't really argue although it got a little heated at times. He said that he only agreed to the counseling to make me feel better so I told him that it wouldn't do any good then, that my counselor said we shoudl only go if we were both willing to try and save the marriage. He said that he's suprised that I'm so upset about this, that he thought that I would be glad that it was over. I told him that I don't give up and that a lot of people have worse problems for longer periods of time and they don't give up. He said well I went to Iraq, that was a major life altering experience, and I said as was giving birth to our chold alone and then raising him alone half the first year. I said he was using that as a crutch and that people change all the time, but you figure it out. I said I couldn't believe that he would just give up like this. I said you're fine you're over it, I said I'm sorry I can't just be over it. He said well you need to get over it. It's not that hard... he said you sound angry isnt' that one of the last steps?

 

I told him to email me about the debt, email me about the property... although we divided most of our stuff up on the phone just now, to the point where we know that it won't be a probem... we agree on most everything. I asked him if he was going to change the passwords an cut me off from the main bank account and he implied that that was his plan, to which I responded that it would be pretty sh*tty of him. He asked when I would be finished with school and other various questions about me supporting myself. I also told him to email me about visitation with our son... he said I know I won't get to see him as often as I would like, maybe once a month and during summer. I said how can you be ok with that... he said I'm not, I want our son with me, but I know if I took you to court I wouldn't get him.

 

I told him well from here on out you can do whatever you want as far as I'm concerned... he said you're saying that so that you can do whatever you want. I said whatever to that one. I said I hope you're happy with your plan, you didn't want to deal with a family or a marriage or the day in day out life of a family, I hope that what you get is what you wanted (I said it kind of pissy). It ended with me telling him that I would only accept emails from now on... if he called I would hand the phone to our son and not speak to him. I told him that I needed him to be out of my life so to speak. I need to move on.

 

Then he called 20 minutes later to talk to our son... I didn't talk to him just handed the phone to my son.

 

So it is what it is I guess... I tried and tried... he says he did too, I responded to that by saying... well you never said anything so that's not trying, he said he should have said something. But his attitude is, well it's to late now.

 

That's it... that's all... I can't believe I married a man who would just give up... He's not at all who I thought he was. I understand that he feels the way he does... I'm not taking anything he's feeling away from him. I just don't understand that he's such a little boy that he can't man up and try to work it out. That he would make all of these wonderful promises and help make the greatest little boy and then walk away. I'll never get it... but I'll sure as H*LL get over it.

 

So any thoughts? Do I have a bonfire (just kidding)

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

I'm so sorry, I can relate to how you feel. Outside of having children my conversations with my W went exactly the same way almost word for word. Promises made and then convienantly broken.

[empty906]

I know it was a scary conversation and I am proud of you for standing firm and not backing down or pleading with him to change his mind.

 

Keep those emails. Remember, if it wasn't written down it didn't happen. Get as much as you can from him in written form for the attorney to sort through. If he isn't going to fight you in court you may have won even more than you realize. Congratulations!

 

So what now, SBN? Didn't you say something about getting away this weekend? That would be really nice to help you maintain momentum and clear your thoughts to start your new life with your son. There's a lot on your plate now but less than there was.

[Ladyjane14]

It's amazing how their tune changes once you've stood up to them, isn't it? That whole "Let's be Friends" deal ends up revealed for what it is and his true colors start shining through.

 

The money issue is all about 'control' for the most part. You're not doing what he tells you to do anymore. He's going to try to rein you back in. Cutting off your funds puts you back in a position in which you're supposed to ask him for any extra cash you need, and you have to be a "good girl" in order to get it, right?

Plus that, if he can keep you too broke to afford an attorney, so much the better for him.

 

You did a good job keeping your cool and calling him on his bullsh*t. And I agree with Empty 100% about keeping those emails on file. Print a hard copy out of each and every one. Also, keep a spiral-bound notebook where you can log in any other contacts or problems. Write in ink and date each entry.

 

You can't sacrifice your education at this point for a menial job. Unfortunately, you're going to have to support that baby... because his no-good, worthless, POS father is going to 'cheap' him. That's pretty obvious at this point. The minuscule amount of child support he's going to have to pay will NOT get this boy raised to adulthood. So you're going to need a good paying job, not the crappy-ass paycheck you'll get without an education. So, do your best to stay in school.

 

That said, you're also going to need money for legal fees in order to keep your STBX out of your future business. If there's a way to pick up some part-time work, I think I would do so if I were you. That way, you have a little cushion.

 

If you have to withdraw your child from preschool and you have an alternate means of childcare, you might need to do that. (If that became necessary, btw... I wouldn't hesitate to embarrass him socially. I'd tell everybody he knows what his priorities were. )

Anyway, your legal fees need to be included in your budgeting plan so you don't end up too short to defend yourself.

 

You said you worked out alot of the division of your possessions on the phone with him. That's one thing. Taking your kid for the summer is something else entirely. You don't know anything about whatever OW he ends up with. You might not want your kid spending his entire summer being influenced by this random person. So you don't want to give up any more custody than you have to. I'm not somebody who believes that ANY father is better than none. If your husband is an immature boy-man without a whole lot of positive attributes to pass on to the boy... better than you limit his access as much as possible.

 

Personally, I'd rather have complete responsibility for my kids and no support at all than to have to put up with an ex-husband up my ass if he didn't have anything worthwhile to offer the kids character-wise. But that's just me.

I wouldn't like the idea of someone who's got an ax to grind interfering with my parenting. And baby, they've ALL got their "ax to grind" when they have to pay child support. You've already seen him put more effort into the child support question than he ever did figuring out ways he might save his marriage and family dynamic. THAT's where his priorities are. So, keep as much custody as you can. You'll be doing both you and your child a favor in the long run.

 

Your five-year plan is where you need to be LIVING right now. You can't count on this guy to make good decisions for YOU. You've got to make them for yourself, hoping for the best... but PLANNING for the worst. You want to be in control of your own destiny and that of your child. Your STBX will attempt to TAKE that control from you. He'll use whatever tools are to hand in order to do it too. You'll notice that at first he was all sweetness and light. When that didn't work, he cut your money off. And when this doesn't work, he'll most likely go back to sweet-talk. He has his fantasy agenda, where you and he are good "buddies" and you get along with him and his new squeeze like one big family. He's gonna try to adhere to that. Be ready for ANYTHING because you have your own future family to think of.

 

In the meantime, your child is only a toddler, right? Your STBX doesn't need to be calling your house eight times a day to talk to a baby who'd rather be playing with his toys or watching Barney. One call in the evening is plenty. Set boundaries. You're not his personal secretary forwarding his phone calls.

[stubbornbutnice]

I had asked him when we had our final talk last night to email me a list of the debt etc... well he sends me and email with the attachment... and it was joking around about division of the DVDs complete with a little smiley face sticking it's tongue out at me. It was all "blah blah blah ha ha blah blah... talk to you later". WTF!? I mean really what the hell is he thinking? Even after all that he's joking around with me?

 

I just want him to GO AWAY! You don't want to be with me, you gave up and you don't want to try... stop talking to me. I know enough to know what we both have to do to get divorced... so go away. Uhhhh. I can't believe he's so crazy that he thinks that we would be friends. My best friend is going to be my Husband... not my stupid X. Whatever.

 

As for my son and school... I will not pull him out. He is a little boy and he is so much happier and more well adjusted when he is in school with his friends receiving that interaction everyday. As for me I'm good as far as school... I'm more then full time and I have my stuff together... I even have a pretty solid plan for my MBA right after. I am going to get my education... luckily I have a very supportive group of friends and family who see my education as most important.

 

I have afive year plan... I have thought long and hard aboutt he worst case scenario for everything and I can handle it... I don't think the STBXH has thought it out though... to bad for him. He's going to go live with his parents and work there... he'll get a place once he's on his feet.

 

As for this weekend (Empty asked)... It's my birthday. I've got local plans for the whole thing that will b e fun... the end of next week I'm driving out of town for a week to stay with friends and attend the Master's... to bad Tiger Woods is married.

[stubbornbutnice]

He tried to call me 4 times last night at 10pm... I just don't get it.

[Ladyjane14]

He tried to call me 4 times last night at 10pm... I just don't get it.

 

 

He's still trying to be in control of the situation. He's going to act like a total ass once he figures out you're FOR REAL and having none of it. Be prepared.

 

At this point, you just do what's best for you and your kid. Set your boundaries to coincide with your 5-year plan and then enforce them. You've set a boundary at no calls after 10pm, no personal contact, and business to be transacted by email. And you've done all that for good reason. It's not punitive or reactionary. You're just doing what's best for the serenity of your household and creating a "drama-free zone".

 

So.. you show your strength for now and in the future when you refuse to allow your boundaries to be manipulated. You accept nothing less than respect.

There's no reason why you can't be a lady while you're doing it though. You've gone past the point where there's any value to be had in shocking him with strong language or debate.

 

The best revenge is living well, right? Make your life a thing of GREATNESS. And let him eat his heart out seeing how fabulous it is without him in it. Serves him right for being stupid. :p

[Gunny376]

Noting really more to add that Lady Jane hasn't already said ~ just checking in for moral support.

 

Stick to your guns ~ this guy's given up his "bit**ing" rights~!

[stubbornbutnice]

He emailed me about some bill stuff this morning...totally cold and formal... and on my birthday (no mention of that)... oh well.

[Ladyjane14]

He emailed me about some bill stuff this morning...totally cold and formal... and on my birthday (no mention of that)... oh well.

 

He's not a GOOD ENOUGH person to have the HONOR of wishing you "Happy Birthday".

THAT's why you don't want any personal contact from him. There's nothing genuine coming out of his mouth anyway.

 

He may be acting "cold and formal" just because he wants to be a dick, but the joke's on him... 'cause he's still not crossed your boundary. So, instead of feeling sad, how 'bout feeling 'STRONG' and 'IN CONTROL' today??? Atta-girl!

 

 

Oh... and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! :bunny: :bunny:

[PWSX3]

:bunny::bunny:HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!:bunny::bunny:

[ilmw]

He emailed me about some bill stuff this morning...totally cold and formal... and on my birthday (no mention of that)... oh well.

 

Well I'll say Happy Birthday..... cause its the best day of the year to have one... Its mine too..