Still going strong, but love hurts

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

So I moved out three weeks ago after my wife of 3 years (together for 6) left me for someone else (same story as others I suppose). I have been going strong NC for 4 weeks and we've been "officially" split since mid-December.

 

After a few weeks of knowing this other person she tells me she is in love and that he's proposed marraige to her--note we're still married. She said yes. She's demanding a quick, uncontested divorce from me. She did threaten that if I didn't give here the quick divorce she would get pregnant with this person's child and b/c we're still married I would be liable for child support even though it's not mine (I know she feels her biological clock is ticking and being 32 she wants kids before she turns 35...I want kids, too, so I'm sure that's not just her only excuse).

 

It's kind surreal how only a month or so ago we had such an intimate heart to heart about our problems, laughed, cried, had sex all day and then agreed to go to counseling and she even told me how she would "die for me" in a tearful outburst. A few days later it's over. As horribly as she treated me in the end I can't get over the feeling that perhaps she didn't mean any of the horrible things she said (but should that matter?), I still love her, well at least the old her.

 

So I'm filing for divorce and we're doing it ourselves w/o attorneys. For the first few weeks she was calling and emailing me about bank problems, my dentist appointment, if I was eating, how the divorce papers were coming along. She said she wants to see me to help with the papers, but I don't think that's necessary, plus I don't want to see her. I asked her not to contact me outside of an incredible emergency. She hasn't contacted me anymore, but NC is so much harder now.

 

I keep thinking what is she doing, how happy she must be with this new person, and how much I miss her. Natural I suppose after only a month of having last seen and spoken with her. I've done a ton of crying, my appetite and normal sleep cycles are just now returning, I've been hitting the gym harder than usual, and my self-esteem has been helped along now that I flirt freely and exchange smiles with every pretty girl with which I make eye contact. My heart though is still in tiny pieces.

 

I know that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but at the moment that seems so untrue. Loving someone that doesn't love you back hurts so much and the pain seems so unbearable that I really wonder what it's really worth. I accept my share of the blame for our failure (she blames me for everything) and am trying soooo hard to wish her well, but I get so angry at times and then feel guilty for doing so.

 

She came from a dysfunctional family and my family was blessedly functional, but that can't be it, b/c aren't we all screwed up in some ways? Is it really luck that some people find their true love and live hapily ever after? I've always wanted what my parents have but perhaps that just doesn't exist any longer. Perhaps it is better never to have loved at all.

[Road Rage]

To never have loved sucks too. Bet you didn`t expect someone over 50 to tell you that. I am sorry anyone has to go through the incredible pain of your situation. May karma smile warmly upon you.

 

No doubt something is wrong here in our society. Too much of this walking out of marriages in a flash. It is a tragedy.

[stubbornbutnice]

I'm going through a similar situation right now with my husband. I don't believe there is another woman but the way you and I feel is the same none the less. I'm at the gym all the time and everyone says I look great... they don't know it's because I can't eat. I dream about fights we had or really good times... it really, really, (and I hate this word) sucks.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have also pondered the "love" question that you are struggling with. I wonder how you could be so in love with someone who says they don't feel the same way. All I could come up with is that I'm in love with the old him, the him I fell in love with, not the him he had become. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that the him I knew isn't there anymore. I think that is harder than it being over, because you want to believe it wasn't all for nothing. I thought he was my soul mate, but he says he isn't... Do you think if I tied him up and said it louder that he might hear me? I know, I know... that would be illegal. Little ourburst...sorry .

 

I think that this hurts more right now than anything you could imagine. You said forever and actually meant it, but she stopped meaning it and you couldn't make her. I know the shredded feeling you have right now... you can flirt, but it's shallow, you aren't really interested. But you will be, one day. I keep trying to think about the long term relationship that I had before my husband... it ended badly, me with a broken heart. I felt much the same as I do right now. One day I was driving, it was sunny and I was listening to the radio, and something happened. I don't know what because nothing actually happened... but something changed and I just felt...ok.

 

You said you have a great family... that's a start. Don't think that this means you won't ever have what your parents do. Believe me when I say I know how you feel... but I also know that this isn't it. I can't believe that good people will never have "the one" because they spent time loving someone else. Your "one" is waiting for you... and she's probably really pissed that you're late.

 

I never type on here, but there was something about what you wrote... so... I hope you got... well... anything... from this.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

It helps to vent and talk about the pain and have people listen especially those that can relate just because the pain is so personal that it feels as though you are the only one in the world that feels this way.

 

She knows how I feel (I groveled at first, not my finest moment, but then went to NC) and she simply told me that it was over. Basically she wanted to let me know it's over so that she could see this other person. It doesn't make me feel any better of course, but it certainly makes things final for me. It feels so sudden having just made plans about our future, getting counseling, kids, vacations, and life in general.

 

I'm only 30 yo but my future now seems so empty and pointless. Same questions as most everyone else: Will I ever find love again? The warm, protective feeling I had when she laid her head on my chest? The tenderness I felt when I rubbed her feet and painted her toenails? The silly emails, phone calls, and wolf whistles?

But you guys are correct, I know. I flirt but I compare and it only makes me feel good for the time being.

 

Although you're in pain right now, it's good to know that you've handled this once before and came out better and stronger on the other side. I don't know about going all astronaut and tying him up, but certainly all one can do is relate your feelings and move on. I know people say that if it's meant to be then they'll come back, but sometimes lines are crossed that should not be crossed and I keep asking myself hypothetically, "if she asked me to come back right now, what would I say?" What do you think you would say?

 

Would I be strong enough to say no? I want so much to belive that I could say no and each day I feel a little more confident that I could do it and that makes me feel empowered. One day, not long from now, I'll be driving around and I'll realize that I feel ok.

[stubbornbutnice]

I have all the same questions that you do. I'm 26... 27 in a month so the relationship before this one was the one from 18-21 yo. I wonder why if I took it so seriously and wanted to work on us... why didn't he? How could I have been so wrong about his character. We had the "best friend" thing... the funny emails and four hour phone calls. We couldn't be apart and all that. I remember his proposal and the vacations. It's like he's a completely different person in a matter of weeks.

 

My friend asked me the same question you did. Would I take him back? Would you take her back? I think that right now (and I say this knowing we have equal perspective because we both split at the same time), right now all we can focus on really is how much we love them. We want them back, we miss them, we miss the life we had with them, the safe feeling, the warmth... I understand all of that. However, here is the other side of that coin...

 

If she knocked on your door right now and threw herself in to your arms you would feel better, sure. You would let her in and you would just be so happy that you could be with her. How long would that last? Maybe a week, a month. She left you (brutal I know but sometimes I need to hear it too), she broke your heart. Not long after her return, when she goes back to life as usual, the questions will all reappear for you. How long was it going on? When did she fall out of love with you? Where did she meet him? Why would she want kids with someone else when you want kids? You may have the answers to some of these, and of course the questions could go on and on... my point, for you and for myself...

 

Eventually the love we feel for the person we married would be replaced with the anger and resentment we feel for the person who now stands before us. For me I have all the love that you do, I knew that we had problems but I wanted to work toward our future... he decided that it would be easier to call it a day. He said that he liked being on his own better, he liked not having any responsibilities. I'm not saying that you couldnt move past this, you sound like the kind of person who could, you sound like a good person. But given her behavior does she sound like the kind of person who would work that hard? Maybe the woman you married was, but she's not that person anymore.

 

I'm not in to X bashing... I've read things on here that fit in to that category. You love her and that matters. That's not a small thing no matter what her behavior. And oh the angst that goes with the "will I find love again?" question. Maybe this will make you smile... one can only hope.

 

I was visiting my dad and we were watching TV and a Herpes commercial came on... yes, I said Herpes. I just sat there watching these people talk about the symptoms and dating safely and being married. I looked over at my father with this blank expression on my face and he says "what?" Well I sit quietly for a few more seconds and then I say "Crap, are you kidding me? This is what I'm going to have to deal with now? Dating and checking boys for diseases? As if this weren't hard enough" and I stalked off while my Dad laughed like crazy.

 

You will find it again... sounds annoying now I know. But it won't forever.

 

And HA HA HA to the astronaut reference you wrote. My Dad works for NASA (FL) they are having a really fun time with this. He said they were playing jokes on each other in the office, putting diapers in desk drawers, writing "pepper spray" on cleaner bottles... now you know that's classified information, don't tell.

 

Ok... I also like having someone to talk to about this. Seeing as right now I feel like this is the worst thing I will ever go through. I'll be back, and BTW don't check my spelling. I have not had any coffee yet.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

The pain of loss coupled with the betrayal, even though she was upfront with me regarding her infatuation, nevertheless still hurts. He more than likely meant what he said to you when you two were making plans for the future. Something made him doubt himself and those plans you'd made together. But to change so abruptly I think reveals that person's true character and possibly and instability or unsatisfaction with oneself. Kind of like Smokey the Bear only you can make yourself happy.

 

She was a part time exotic dancer (I was with her before she became one) and he was a recent regular of hers (~4 months). I suppose she started unloading our deepest problems and he was there to listen and tell her what she wanted to here. I was ignorant b/c I would pick her up and she would tell me everything (except her growing infatuation) and she even made cruel fun of the guy and others (turning into somewhat of a manhater). He would cry and profess his undying love to her and perhaps she started to believe it, perhaps he means it, and perhaps they will live happily ever after.

 

That he proposed marraige within a few weeks of starting to see her outside the club I find rather creepy especially since she was still married to me, but that's as far as I go. I try not to over analyze but at times I feel I need a clearer understanding.

 

She does have issues having confessed to me to considering suicide at times. We argued and had become verbally abusive to one another and she was becoming more physically abusive towards me (not that it hurt me physically she weighs all of 110lbs, but it certainly did not feel good). She's also very well educated just dancing to pay all the debt she had gotten herself into.

 

I'm trying not to let anger or resentment creep into me and it's hard as you know. All we can do is look forward and keep moving in that direction. At times it feels like a waste of 6 years of my life and at others times it still feels like a waste of 6 years of my life.

 

Unfortunately, checking for diseases is something that's part of getting back out there. At least she was up front with me otherwise I might have freaked (I still got tested just in case). I know it feels like this will never end, but we have to keep reminding ourselves just how far we've come to just keel over for somone that doesn't appreciate you any longer.

[stubbornbutnice]

Hey

 

Hmmmmm... I agree with you that the marriage proposal thing is creepy. Even assuming that what they have is real (and I'm not considering the circumstances)... if I met a guy tomorrow and fell head over heels for him I think it would say something to me if he just wanted to erase my past. And who knows with this guy it could be a fantasy thing becuase of her part time profession and in the light of day it might wear off.

 

As for her launching 110lbs at you I have to say I smacked my husband on the leg (kind of hard) once or twice because he just wouldn't hear me, and I'm tall but small so it didnt get me anywhere either. That is purley an act of frustration. That's why toddlers do it... they can't communicate but they want you to understand them so they smack you. As for the thoughts of suicide or the instability she has... I don't know what to tell you. Maybe it was just exaggerating so she could make you feel that she was REALLY unhappy. You guys had just had a wonderful day of reconciliation not to long ago... then she starts talking to this guy at the club and she flips over to "I'm so unhappy". Maybe that was all prepwork so to speak and she was trying to lay the groundwork. Maybe she needed you to believe it was severe so you would forget about the great day you had and move on to what she was saying in the present. I'm just trying to brain storm with you.

 

I also think about the wasted time. I get mad that he made all of these promises to me and as soon as we hit a wall and we have a bad time for a year yes, but still, he's done and can't find anything in him to try. I looked at my wedding rings yesterday and I felt sick. To me they are a joke at this point. They don't stand for anything they were supposed to. forever was the promise, right? I'm trying to stay positive. I know I have a lot to offer someone... and I really don't think I'll end up alone but it's hard to look forward alone when I thought I would be doing this with him.

 

I, like you I'm sure, just wish someone could tell me that he will regret this one day. He'll wake up and go damn that was stupid. We all want that I know.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

The marraige proposal thing, others thought it creepy or at the very least emotionally shallow, too. That she would fall for someone that has to go to those places and pay for attention I find rather unnerving as well (he was her regular for 4 months but has been going there for far longer. I find that people like that tend to objectify women), but I have to remember that it is her life and shouldn't concern me any longer.

 

The suicide claims she made well there is a history of mental illness in her family as well as suicide so needless to say I was horribly guilt ridden, and greatly concerned after each episode. After speaking with a therapist I understood that it's not my fault if someone resorts to that, but unfortunately how could I not feel guilty and carry it with me?

 

UUUUUhhhhhhhhggggg!! Wedding rings! My wedding band had gotten really tight around my finger so I was only wearing it when I went out. She was adamant that we get it re-sized and again this was just a few weeks prior to the split. Never got around to doing it, but I did end up pawning mine.

 

You're correct why wear the wedding bands at all, if they are supposed to symbolize an breakable bond between two people? That's why we take vows, that's why we promise to love through all the good AND hard times. I would think this applies especially through the hard times.

 

I don't want to be cynical but what is marriage except for an expensive break up in the end. Perhaps that's why there are now more cohabitating couples than married couples. Why make promises you don't intend to keep, why pay to have to walk away?

 

We do all want our partners to realize they have made a mistake, but I'm looking at it as though I should thank her. Thank her for making it easier for me to walk away, for showing me the qualities of a person that I don't want, and finally for the good times we had even if she says there weren't any.

 

As for ending up alone, well those are just stories we tell ourselves. There are far too many people around for us to end up alone unless we go out of our way to be alone. I'm sure in some way, big or small, he'll think "I screwed up and perhaps I should have given it another try."

[stubbornbutnice]

I just wanted to say hello on this completely unimportant day:o . I hope you are doing ok... I know this day was a little rough for me. Only a little rough though so that was good at least.

 

Maybe you got to go out with friends or something? If not you should this weekend. I decided that I would go to the gym and attend back to back classes before teaching one, after that I was so tired I didn't care what day it was;) .

 

I also took my wedding rings over to my dad's house today so that I wouldn't have to look at them anymore. Cleaned the house, washed the car (well cheated and paid for a wash), and mailed my H's stuff to him (clothes and crap).

 

I know divorce is expensive and all but I don't think marriage is a total loss... hey we'll get it right next time right ... In 20 years anyway (just kidding).

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Good to hear from you again. The day went well I had dinner with friends. They have a really nice place out in Queens with a gorgeous view made that much prettier with all the snow. Sorry your V-day was a little blue (mine was a little blue, too). I know some people say it's just another greeting card holiday, but I still like to celebrate.

 

Hitting the gym is always good, my outlook is so much brighter and happier after a good workout. Lately they have all been good workouts I have so much stress to get out. What class do you teach? I used to attend a spinning class.

 

I'm still having a hard time coming to terms with seeing my marriage as a learning experience rather than a failure. My parents made it look so easy that I can't help but still feel as if everything is my fault.

 

Although my days are getting better to take, I still miss her terribly some times. Every time I'm able to string a few good days in a row I get an email from her asking about something she can't find or asking me how the divorce papers are coming along. It's not much but it is enough contact for me to allow her to affect me.

 

One day soon we'll wonder why we let them affect us so much. Hope all is well.

[stubbornbutnice]

I'm glad you had a good day and went to dinner with your friends. I got the "greeting card holiday" speech from my friends as well. I know they meant well, and I'm ok with it, but it was still a blah kind of day.

 

As for the gym I actually had to stop working out briefly right after the split. I really couldn't eat and was losing to much weight. Not the best when I usually burn right around 900 cal in a spin class. I teach spinning, subbing actually and in a month or so I'll get my certification for Pilates and maybe yoga. I teach a pretty rough no stopping techno class. Everyone leaves looking beat down. I had a great trainer and I try to teach like she taught me. It's just a fun on the side sort of thing. It's not my career choice, but I like to stay certified so I can sub when someones out.

 

I hear what you are saying about the "how the heck did I get here?" thing. I never thought that I would be getting a divorce. I'm actually having a crap day today becuase I was going over emails from the H and just trying to think it all out. I wish I weren't still doing that, and it's less and less but I still have questions. Well, the more I went over it and read my original thread on this forum, the more I had to think about the fact that there is probably another woman, even if it's only an emotional affair.

 

I really didn't want to think that about him, that he would do that. He was never like that before me, and I never had any reason to suspect him. I always knew what was going on with him and such. If something happened it had to have been right after Christmas... who knows. It sure does suck to think about it though. And... if he is I wish he would just man up and tell me so I could move on that much easier. I know you understand what I mean.

 

I hope your divorce papers are final soon so that you can move on and enjoy a life of no contact. I know it will be hard and all at first but then you will be able to move on and be happy... heal so you can meet someone else. My H has been calling me all the time lately... he says it's about bills or stuff or whatever. I think he just feels guilty and is trying to keep the peace.

 

I'm starting to feel better though. I have a cold right now which does nothing for this whole thing becuase you're so tired that you feel more down. But before the cold I was starting to feel better, like you are. I know we'll stop missing them and this will fade. And just by reading your posts I can tell you she's missing out. It stinks but in the meantime that's why we have this place so we can complain and cry:) .

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Wow 900 calories in one class that is really intense I don't think I'd last past 30 minutes.

 

It makes things so hard when you have so many reminders of all the times spent together. I probed and prodded until she told me the truth regarding the other person (and then I found the cell phone he gave her so she could contact him w/o me knowing). I didn't want to know but at the same time I had to know. It was somewhat of a relief to finally know I think in part b/c it completely shut the door she had to my heart (I think some call it closure).

 

Deleting all the emails from your H is something you might need to do. I know it's hard b/c it brings things, in our hearts, that much closer to being final. As much as we tell ourselves that it's over it takes a while for us to really come to terms with it.

 

I had to go through it and delete all the emails, filter all the pictures she was in, and essentially erase her from my life. She only lives in my mind and in my heart, but slowly I'm forgetting the details of what she looks like and how sweet and caring the "old" person used to be. Soon all that will remain are distant memories, some good and some bad, of person I used to know.

 

It pains us probably b/c deep inside we know they're erasing us just the same and we feel as though we're already forgotten, but if it's meant to be they'll come back, and if they don't return we'll be ok with that, too.

 

I'm sure he's looking for reasons to call or contact you, perhaps to sate his ego knowing you might be moving on. I got the same phone calls and emails "Did you take this DVD of mine, Are you eating, You got a message from the dentist, We need to get together to go over the divorce papers, etc"

 

I had to put a stop to it, b/c it's not healthy. I wasn't rude just forthcoming and let her know that it's ok to contact me in some dire emergency, but outside of that seeing or hearing from her brings the loss of 6 years bearing down on me. I'm not making the dumpees out to be saints we have to accept personal responsiblity for what happened, but if there is ever a time to be selfish it's now. Do not allow him to hurt you anymore.

 

Feel better know that surviving this is much like surving a bad cold. When you're in the middle of it, it feels as if it will never end.

[Gunny376]

First off "A" your doing a good job with the NC, and in letting her know not to contact you, except in a bonafide emergency. Personally, if it was me, I couldn give a flip ~ not to wish anything bad on her, but her problems in life are exactaly that now ~ her promblems, not yours ~ be they of an emergecny nature or not. Let her latest "love of her life" deal with it.

 

Even if she did come to you with an "emergency" my bet is that it would involve money.

 

Then's there the bit about getting pregno by the OM, and hitting you up as the father, and you're being on the hook for child support?! Come on! Surely you've guys have heard of blood test, and DNA?!!

 

I've noticed your from NYC, the good news is that in NYC there are according to National Geographic, The U. S. Census about 135,000 more single women in NYC than there are single men. According to Newsweek, and MSNBC, for the first time in American histroy ~51% of the women in America are single. Granted that takes in a lot of demographics to include the little old ladies at the nursing home, as well as those women that are shacking up with their SO, but the fact of the matter is there are a lot of single women out there.

 

You need to snap out of this "Gee? Is my life over, will I ever find "true" love again? Yada, yada, yada! Come on man, you're only 30 years old. News flash for you! The older you get the more women they are out there looking for a good man. The older you get the better and more experienced you get at this relationship business.

 

For one thing, you really need to sit down and give some thought about what kind of woman you're looking for. You, me, most guys ~ you ask us to describe our dream car, and we can spell it out to the most minutes detail. But, when it comes to women ~ about the only requirements is that she can fog up a mirror and she's got a vagina, and that we find them attractive. That's works for most guys in there teens and there twenties ~ but you need to think outside the "box" so to speak, and start thinking about what you need a woman to have between her ears, and not just between her legs.

 

You can sit around get drunk, and spit whiskey into the fire all night, but when you get right down to it, most men are lucky if they have three great women in their lives. That is to say, from the cradle to the grave ~ there will be three great women in our lives. Not counting the XW, I've got one under my belt ~ my last LTR GF. I describe her as being the right woman, in the wrong place and at the wrong time in my life.

 

To be honest with you ~ you're being way too hard on yourself about this. You say you're 30 right? And you and the STBXW have been together for the last six years, which means you were 24 when you got together. The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25 is 90% ~ that is to say ~ you only had a 10% chance of pulling this off to begin with! Why? Because you didn't have the education, the knowledge, nor the experince when you started out. But, by God, you're getting it now!

 

Other news you can use. Men are about 10 years behind women "emotionally". That's to say, that if your 30, and you get with a woman who's 30, she's way, far and ahead of you about 10 years when it comes to the relationship business, the emotional business. And, its the reason why men when they get into their late thirties and forties get with "younger"women ~ because they're connecting mentally and emotionally ~ they're on the same level. In short they click ~ mentally and emotionally.

 

Men peak sexually when their about 18, while women peak sexually when they're in their late twenties or early to mid thirties. If the wife is about 30, she's just entering her sexual peak, ~ thus the affair, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you BS!" Just like you were rampant in your teens and early twenties ~ so become most women in their late twenties and early to mid thirties. A woman nerve endings don't fully develop in her pelvic region until she's in her mid thirties.

 

So what to do? Learn, and grow, adapt and over-come. Read, and educate yourself. Get a libarary card and use it well!

 

And for the Love of God ~ the next gal you get with ~ TRADE UP!

[tonyp56]

Well, here is a thought, ex-wife of seven years (together for 11) left me 9-8-05, and I still hurt, heart is still in pieces, and I think of her what seems all the time. Ex-wife left me for someone else, and like others, we woke up one morning and a switch had been flipped, she was done with me. For me, time seemed to stop, even now I have to remind myself that it is no longer 9-8-05. I've grown older, our children have grown older, and she has grown older, but I have to make myself remember time has moved on.

 

I had to file for divorce, and in September of 06 was final court date. I was the one that had to file for divorce, pay for attorney, etc... Ex-wife fought me, and in many ways acted like she didn't want it, however, she was still living with other man (he moved in with her 2 weeks after our split) so she must of wanted it, but for whatever reason, she kept backing out of agreements that we made early on, or even agreeing to something then changing her mind at the last minute in court.

 

Anyways, you get used to it, the pain becomes weaker and weaker, but never seems to go away.

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

Thanks Gunny. Supposedly in NY, as well as some other states, the law says that when your spouse gets pregnant both people are responsible for the child's well-being meaning even if it's not your kid you still have to pay child support. I think this is done to protect the child since it is not his/her fault but obviously it is incredibly unfair to the husbands. Of course, I don't know how true this is, but have read some horror stories on other forums.

 

I'm coming to terms with the facts and realizing that I idealized her for her intelligence and looks, but failed to see or ignored the red flags and emotional instability. I mistook her clinginess and need for constant validation as love.

 

Although, this isn't my first LTR and I've always been able to mourn the loss, use NC, and move on this LTR in particular has hit hard. Perhaps b/c we got married, perhaps b/c she was upfront about seeing someone else (calling him while I was still living with her and looking for another place, packing lingerie and telling me she'll see me in a few days), or perhaps b/c for once I actually saw myself growing old next to this person.

 

Everyday I do feel I am getting better and have been using therapy to analyze more of my emotional self. My support network has been great and Loveshack has been a godsend. Most definitely always trade up. Love those stats BTW

 

Tony:

 

I was the one that had to file for divorce, pay for attorney, etc... Ex-wife fought me, and in many ways acted like she didn't want it, however, she was still living with other man (he moved in with her 2 weeks after our split) so she must of wanted it, but for whatever reason, she kept backing out of agreements that we made early on, or even agreeing to something then changing her mind at the last minute in court.

This sounds so much like what I'm going through at the moment! I'm filing for divorce, I'm paying for it and she keeps saying "we made this deal and we made that deal and you're going back on it" when all I want is to file this uncontested divorce and be done with her. I mean I don't even care keep all the crap, it's just stuff my peace of mind is worth so much more. But she keeps nitpicking things on our settlement agreement that were fine just the other week. I feel it is as though I'm dealing with a petulant child sometimes

[Ladyjane14]

Here's an old thread by Spurned. He was also married to a woman in her thirties who was very blatent in regards to her cheating.

 

For what it's worth... he seemed a whole lot happier without her by the end of the thread.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t69139/

[Gunny376]

Here's an old thread by Spurned. He was also married to a woman in her thirties who was very blatent in regards to her cheating.

 

For what it's worth... he seemed a whole lot happier without her by the end of the thread.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t69139/

 

Good Post LJ ~ thanks for sharing ~ insightful!

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

It's good to see someone come through this given some of the similarities in the situations. My wife unfortunately wants the divorce (hmmm maybe it is fortunate). In any event, I liked what LJ said in the post about the wife dating while still married. I feel the same way, my wife having told me she didn't want to try working on our marriage any longer, that she wants her life back, and wants to call and be with this other person. I feel she could have left the last part out of her reasoning.

 

I've gone ahead and started the paperwork and forwarded her the stuff she needs to get notarized and sent back to me. I begged and pleaded for the first week and then went to NC to salvage some diginity, but at times I still miss her so much, nevertheless I haven't called or written. I wasn't by any means a saint in the relationship, but I was certainly willing to put forth every effort to work on our marriage. I suppose she's correct that love isn't always enough.

 

I also agree with where she modeled her behavior. I'm assuming it's from her friends at her part time job. Not one of them has ever remained happily married, most are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage or have children from different fathers, drug use, and self-esteem problems. From the conversations I've heard about all they do is complain about their SO, children, and their physical and emotional affairs. I always thought her smarter than this, she's finishing her Phd for crying out loud.

 

I think that I'm just in a depressive funk still but slowly I'm letting go of believing all the cruel things she said at the end, especially the one about how it is all my fault. Thanks again for the support guys!