He called me and started calling me names

[Pyro]

If a man wants sex then he better take up responsiblity for the consequences of having it.

 

Exactly. Sex is a big responsibility and if a guy doesn't take the necessary precautions, then yes he has to help take care of the baby in some way shape or form. Any guy that doesn't take part in the childs life is a piece of garbage and gives other guys a bad name. It may sound unfair to some, but women do have the last word on whether or not to bring a child into this life. They have to take on the challenges physically and mentally of pregnancy, so the choice is their's. If any guys can't accept this, then think next time and wear a freakin condom or don't have sex.

[alasia]

Sex is a big responsibility and if a guy doesn't take the necessary precautions, then yes he has to help take care of the baby in some way shape or form

 

Those are the key words - he never even suggested using a condom, in fact when I suggested it once because I didnt think he really wanted a baby he got really upset.

 

I'm sure he was just saying he wanted a baby to avoid using protection (even though in bed wasn't the only time we talked about having children) but even so, it's no surprise that I got pregnant.

 

If I'd punched a hole in a condom and got pregnant accicdentally on purpose then fair enough, but that's not what happened here. It is, however, probably what he's telling his mother.

[Pyro]

Those are the key words - he never even suggested using a condom, in fact when I suggested it once because I didnt think he really wanted a baby he got really upset.

 

I'm sure he was just saying he wanted a baby to avoid using protection (even though in bed wasn't the only time we talked about having children) but even so, it's no surprise that I got pregnant.

 

If I'd punched a hole in a condom and got pregnant accicdentally on purpose then fair enough, but that's not what happened here. It is, however, probably what he's telling his mother.

 

He is held 100% responsible for his actions. The fact that he got upset when you suggested protection is more than enough proof. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure to be more careful in the future.

 

I have never heard of a guy saying that he wanted a baby just for the purpose of being able to have unprotected sex. Did he really say that? If so, I must question his sanity.

[alphamale]

Those are the key words - he never even suggested using a condom, in fact when I suggested it once because I didnt think he really wanted a baby he got really upset.

 

I'm sure he was just saying he wanted a baby to avoid using protection (even though in bed wasn't the only time we talked about having children) but even so, it's no surprise that I got pregnant.

 

If I'd punched a hole in a condom and got pregnant accicdentally on purpose then fair enough, but that's not what happened here. It is, however, probably what he's telling his mother.

well since the women is the one who gets pregnant and carries the foetus for 270 days it is her who is primarily responsible for birth control by taking the pill. if she is having sex without the pill then she WANTS to get impregnated.

[alasia]

He's never said that it was his reason, but the other week I met up with him and I told him to please use protection with his next girlfriend and he said "why should I?!" (well, duh!) then said the next one he "chooses" will be nearer his age, so he doesn't have to worry about getting her pregnant. Could still happen!

[Pyro]

He's never said that it was his reason, but the other week I met up with him and I told him to please use protection with his next girlfriend and he said "why should I?!" (well, duh!) then said the next one he "chooses" will be nearer his age, so he doesn't have to worry about getting her pregnant. Could still happen!

 

This guy sounds like a real prize.

 

You should be happy that the two of you are not together anymore.

[alasia]

well since the women is the one who gets pregnant and carries the foetus for 270 days it is her who is primarily responsible for birth control by taking the pill. if she is having sex without the pill then she WANTS to get impregnated.

 

Yes. I did. We DISCUSSED getting pregnant, whether we wanted a baby etc., and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted. He said it too. He knew I wasn't using any protection, and he never wanted to use anything. He kept saying if I got pregnant, he'd support me, how he wanted a little girl to dote on, all that.

 

I'm NOT saying I didn't want to get pregnant. I'm saying he never said he didn't want me to.

 

In fact when my period was late in October, he went around excitedly telling everyone that I was pregnant!

Then looked silly when I wasn't.

[Pyro]

well since the women is the one who gets pregnant and carries the foetus for 270 days it is her who is primarily responsible for birth control by taking the pill. if she is having sex without the pill then she WANTS to get impregnated.

 

Even BC isn't 100% fool proof. Its the guys semen that fertilizes the egg, therefore he needs to pay attention to where his semen ends up. There are NO excuses for a guy to back away from being a father.

[alasia]

I can see (I think) my ex and his mum's point; their way of thinking is why should my ex pay for a baby that he doesn't want.

 

But his mum doesn't know that he did want it, and was arranging to go to scans with me behind her back, up until a few hours ago.

 

As far as she's concerned he never wanted a baby with me, she probably thinks we were using protection, and I haven't had any contact with my ex since we split up 6 weeks ago. all of which is completely UNTRUE - we were sleeping together last Tuesday and Wednesday!

[Pyro]

I can see (I think) my ex and his mum's point; their way of thinking is why should my ex pay for a baby that he doesn't want.

 

Don't let him weasel his way out of it.

 

If you don't want to stay pregnant, then do what you have to do, but if you decide to have the baby, then he needs to help support that baby. It was half his creation, so he has to contribute.

 

If he didn't want it, he should have thought of that back when he decided to be careless and not use protection.

[alasia]

He'll probably change his mind when the baby's a year old, like he did with his youngest son. He saw him for 6 months, then he and the mother had a petty argument, she stormed out and neither of them tried to get back in touch!

 

Then I persauded him to go and take his son a present on Xmas Day (the day I found out I was pregnant, incidentally), he did and he saw the baby for 20 mins, arranged to see him again and so far hasn't.

 

I just don't understand how he could have said he wanted to come to a scan, be at the birth and see the baby this morning, say it again at 1pm-ish, then go to the pub, come home and completely change his mind 2 hours later!

[HennyPenny]

It sounds to me like he is doing everything in his power to make you hate his guts to be sure you'll want nothing to do with him. I'm afraid of what would happen the next time you two have contact with one another. If you have caller ID, don't answer his calls. Deal with him through the court. I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't want my child around such a person.

[alasia]

It sounds to me like he is doing everything in his power to make you hate his guts to be sure you'll want nothing to do with him. I'm afraid of what would happen the next time you two have contact with one another. If you have caller ID, don't answer his calls. Deal with him through the court. I know it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't want my child around such a person.

 

That's what I thought too. He thinks I still want to be with him; he doesn't seem to get that I'd NEVER want to be back together with him, I'm only interested in him as the father of my child. So the easiest way to 'get through to me' is to be, quite frankly, a b*****d

 

Unless he really doesn't want to see the baby either; but then why say this morning that he did?! Why couldn't he just say he's not interested?

[AriaIncognito]

well since the women is the one who gets pregnant and carries the foetus for 270 days it is her who is primarily responsible for birth control by taking the pill. if she is having sex without the pill then she WANTS to get impregnated.

 

Way off base, alpha. A woman who doesn't take BCP isn't asking or wanting to get impregnated necessarily. Are you aware of how some women react to having to take those fabricated hormones? They give some hot flashes, nausea, weight gain, etc. Why does the onus of pregnancy fall on the woman entirely, not like she's climbing on top of herself and getting pregnant.

 

Your statement also implies that the BCP is the only form of birth control for a woman, which also isn't the case. And just like everything else, nothing except abstinence is 100%. So even if she's on the pill, a diaphragm, and a spermicide, things can happen.

 

Either way, a woman not taking BCP can hardly be considered her wanting to get pregnant. Different cases require different thinking.

[Teacher's Pet]

Even BC isn't 100% fool proof. Its the guys semen that fertilizes the egg,

 

 

Excuse me, but just HOW does the semen get to the egg?

 

*scratches head*

 

-tp

almost 8 months and counting

[Teacher's Pet]

Way off base, alpha. A woman who doesn't take BCP isn't asking or wanting to get impregnated necessarily. Are you aware of how some women react to having to take those fabricated hormones? They give some hot flashes, nausea, weight gain, etc. Why does the onus of pregnancy fall on the woman entirely, not like she's climbing on top of herself and getting pregnant.

 

Your statement also implies that the BCP is the only form of birth control for a woman, which also isn't the case. And just like everything else, nothing except abstinence is 100%. So even if she's on the pill, a diaphragm, and a spermicide, things can happen.

 

Either way, a woman not taking BCP can hardly be considered her wanting to get pregnant. Different cases require different thinking.

 

I must agree with my esteemed colleague here.

 

There are plenty of methods of birth control besides the pill.

 

There's anal, pulling out real quick, and of course, "down the hatch!"

 

-tp

a spoonful of sugar helps the...eccch!!

[AriaIncognito]

Ah, tp, ridiculous as usual lol.

 

You forgot russian roulette.

[alasia]

Quick update; my ex said he'd be out (on a date, apparently) on saturday afternoon, so I took the opportunity to quickly go over there and drop some money that I owed him through his letter box - didn't want to have to see him.

 

I had half an hour for my bus, so I sat on a bench just outside the bus station. Five minutes later I felt like I was being watched, so I turned round and my ex was behind me, staring. He must have been in town so obviously lied about having a date.

I told him to leave me alone and turned back round to continue the text I was writing to a friend. He walked over to me and asked what I was doing there; I told him and started walking back to the bus station, which is right by his house. He walked with me, telling me to leave him alone (duh, I was trying!) and then suddenly said "if you're coming back to mine you'll have to go the back way, so my mother doesn't see you".

 

I decided to go with him to his house so I could have a chat (he seemed sort of willing) and when we got in, at first he was saying that he was too soft with me when we were together and now he's being hard on me, then he said "if I let you stay over and we end up having sex, you'll tell everyone you stayed won't you?". I never mentioned staying over, or sex, so I thought he was blatantly lining me up for a one night stand.

As slutty as it may sound, I kind of wanting to stay when he'd said that; I don't do casual sex but with him it seemed different - we had dated, after all.

 

I did end up staying; at one point I was going to catch the next train home, but he said I could stay and he'd take me home the next day.

He also said I could have a bath if I wanted, make some food...he seemed like he wanted me there.

 

We slept together and he seemed really affectionate; calling me babe, cuddling up to me with his legs wrapped round me all night, holding my hand and stroking my arm...it seemed more than 'just sex'.

At one point he mentioned the fact I'm going out with a guy on Saturday (as friends) and said something like "you can't have many feelings for me if you're going out with him - I don't want you to go...that proves I still have some feelings for you."

 

He also said he had "a few" feelings and missed me sometimes later that day when I was on my way home. I said a few wasn't enough and were they just friend-type feelings, and he said "more than that".

He also implied I'd be seeing him again (he said "next time you stay over...").

So I thought we left on good terms. I left him thinking I wasn't going to contact him, and see if he got in touch.

 

Yesterday he texted me to ask about some belongings of his that I still had. I said I could bring them over tonight if he wanted, as I'd be busy all week. He said that was fine then when I was on my way over I got a text saying "I'm a selfish w****r, I don't give a s**t about anyone except myself. I was going to let my cat starve. I wouldn't my last ever text to you".

Didn't understand the bit about the cat or the 'I wouldn't' part and thought he must have been drinking. Decided to carry on over anyway.

 

When I got there he was asleep on the sofa, so I opened the letter box and asked him to open the door.

All he kept saying was "leave me alone" and calling me names (swear words, plus psycho). I said I'd brought the stuff over and he asked "what stuff?" then I asked why he'd sent that text message and he didn't remember it.

He asked me to give him my phone to look at the message and stupidly I did; he threw it against the wall, smashing it and then said "it was a F-off and leave me alone text!"

 

I asked what was wrong; he'd asked for his things and I'd brought them back - he'd seemed fine when he took me home earlier. He was horrible, visibly drunk and kept saying get out of my house!

 

I kept asking him to open the door and he wouldn't, then he started on me; he came over to the letter box and kicked the flap down so it landed on my hand, then he held it in place until it had made a mark.

He grabbed my hand and bit it, and then before I had a chance to move my hand he grabbed my arm again and pulled it until my whole arm up to my elbow was through the letter box (I have skinny arms!). He then started twisting and pulling my arm, bending it every way with such force I really thought he'd break my arm. I was screaming and crying and he just kept telling me to leave him alone, and to get out of his house!

 

After he'd done that, he called his mother and said in a very childish voice "she's outside again!". She must have hung up because he looked puzzled, and then called his sister in law (who hates me). She wasn't in but when she phoned back a few minutes later, he told me to keep quiet so she wouldn't know I was there (bizarre) and then said I'd gone. He also said "she turned up again, just to bring some stuff out (neglecting to say he'd asked me to come over!)...I'm cracking up!".

 

At one point Phil's brother in law turned up because Phil's mum had called him, and as I was talking to him Phil came out of the house.

He let me in the house to take his things in, and then before I could leave he said "if you don't go I'll either throttle you or punch your lights out".

His brother in law told Phil that no, he wouldn't do that and then Phil suddenly grabbed my throat, lifted me up and walked/carried me out of the house! He kept hold of my neck for a few seconds, squeezing, and then let go and went inside.

 

I chatted to the brother in law for a bit where he said Phil was obviously drunk and it's not worth getting hurt over it, then I went home.

 

I now have a smashed phone, a very bruised and sore arm (my elbow is very sore to the touch) and a burst blood vessel in my eye where he'd poked my eye/hot me through the letter box.

 

Obviously I'm not going near the guy again even if he asks, but I don't understand how he can bring himself to lie to his family, not mention the fact he has sex with me sometimes, lie to me about having feelings (albeit "a few") and be so violent! He had pure hate in his eyes and he's always like that when he's been drinking; not violent all the time, but very changeable and on edge.

The thing is, when he is violent, he keeps on and on until he really hurts you - he'll squeeze your neck until you almost pass out, or bite you until he draws blood.

His family don't know that, and that what upsets me. He'll be playing the sob story to them today, but they don't know he was fine with me yesterday and had sex with me, said he had a few feelings, implied we'd do it again, thren changed last night and really hurt me. They won't see the bruises.

 

Before Lorr or anyone else says it, I know I should have just left him alone. But I'm naive and when he says he has feelings, offers to let me stay over and has sex with me then seems so affectionate, I believe him. I should believe his actions, not his words, and cut my losses and leave. I know that.

I also know it was partly my fault for being so stubborn - when he was saying go, I should have just left the stuff outside and gone home. But I now if I'd done that, he would have phoned and complained the next morning, for leaving his belongings out in the rain (it rained overnight).

 

I just don't get how he can be so changeable, and blatantly lie - to me, and his family!

[MotherGooze]

Before Lorr or anyone else says it, I know I should have just left him alone. But I'm naive and when he says he has feelings, offers to let me stay over and has sex with me then seems so affectionate, I believe him. I should believe his actions, not his words, and cut my losses and leave. I know that.

 

 

Then stop being so naive. It's like you just say that to have an excuse. Build up some self esteem; really you deserve so much better then him. Don't allow him near you, don't have any contact with him whatsoever; if you see him somewhere, go away and if you can; act like he doesn't excist. He doesn't have any feelings for you, he uses you when he feels like it. And even when he does, do you really want to be with someone who is so aggressive; think about your child's future. he or she deserves a loving home and loving parents; I'm sure you can give that, I don't think he can.

[lorr]

You dont have to worry about me having a go at you! If anything I really have pity for the both of you.

Phil could have seriously hurt you and you could have potentially lost the baby.What will it take for you to leave this unhealthy relationship? Hes shown you what hes capable of doing, but it seems that you are prepared to put up with more.

Domestic violence is a really serious issue at the moment and the amount of women and (yes) men who end up losing their life is no laughing matter. Forget Phil for a moment and realise that its not him that needs help but its also you. From reading your posts you have extremely low self-esteem and what your main priority is,is to visit your GP explain whats been going on and then you will get referred to see a counsellor.(Its free on the NHS so theres no excuse).

 

Phil seems to have some warped control over you(he knows this)and when it comes down to sweet talking you into bed, I find it so sad and disheartening.

The only way you will start building up your confidence, dignity, self esteem/ respect is by accepting that you have a problem and seeking the necessary help. Some of us on LS cannot repeat ourselves enough, so all I can say is the buck stops with you.

One more thing you should consider reporting him to the police.

 

Good Luck

[alasia]

I do have very low self esteem. It's come from years of being bullied, sexual abuse as a child, almost being raped twice and guys always trying to get me into bed *just* because I have a DD chest (not even that big, compared to some people!)

 

Before I met Phil, I was fairly confident, though. I'd learnt to spot the scumbag men and avoided them - and when they tried it on I'd just ignore them and not let it affect me. Phil seemed so different - I started thinking about our relationship (if you can even call it that!) last night and even at the start, he was so patient and kind - I had major intimacy and trust issues because of the sexual abuse and as a result, had never been able to have sex with anyone. I used to get so far, then get a mental block and couldn't go through with the actual act. It took Phil 6 hours (not kidding!) to even kiss me - that was actually him trying to kiss me for longer than 10 seconds, before I'd pull away and say "I can't do this"l

He didn't try for the full 6 hours obviously, we watched tv a bit too

Sounds cliched, but because of that (and how well he took it when I told him about the abuse) I really thought he was different. And that's why it's so hard now; he seems to have totally changed and is doing all the things he's always said he never does - using me for sex (I admit, a couple of times I've used him, too), lying, being deceitful and downright nasty. IMO.

 

I admit I've got problems and I am going to look into counselling.

 

I don't think I could go to the police though; I went there willingly, I sat on the doorstep holding the letter box open and I know Phil would say that I went over there without his permission. That's what he told his sister in law on the phone!

 

There's also the fact his family think I've been stalking him (I was over the top with the contact, but they've only heard his side of things. They don't know how many times I've stayed over) and even though 3 members of his family have seen him grab my throat, I know they'd back him up. There's just too much going against it, it wouldn't go anywhere.

 

I just hate how his excuse for everything that happened; letting me stay over, having sex, almost breaking my arm and all that other stuff, is "you shouldn't have come over!" He says I shouldn't have been there on Sunday and that the only reason he had sex and let me stay was he felt sorry for me. And then I should have ignored his text asking me to take the stuff over to him yesterday - he just doesn't accept any responsibility. He's said he's "ashamed" of what he did, but still blamed me for it.

[ahsumgurl909]

I dont know how old you are but this story brings back a memory of a girl whom was madly in-love with my brother. She did everything in her power to get him to love her and the more she did the more he disliked her.

 

And yes she would find every excuse to have been in an area where she knew he would be so they would bump into each other. And BAM they would end up in bed. (Because there was absolutely nothing about her he was interested in but the SEX) I think its like that with any relationship once the trust, loyality, honesty are gone) Whats left but the SEX.

 

Well this girl claimed she was pregnant and harrassed my brother to no end. And I hate to say this but our family knew he could not make a baby he was sterile. But we said nothing just to see how far this lame would go with it. This girl had a few things of his at her house like socks, boxers, little things that he asked her to just toss them in the trash. She would bring a pair of socks one day a half empty pack of cigarettes the next time. Anyway my point is this.

 

SHE WAS NOT PREGNANT!! NOT TO BE RUDE AND I TRULY DONT KNOW IF U R OR NOT BUT IMO I THINK THIS IS THE CASE HERE.

 

If not I apologize. I mean how many times have we read about some crazy chick hunting down a pregnant woman after pretending to be pregnant to hold on to some dude and actually killed the lady cutting out her baby to not get caught in her lie. Just sounds like you may need to step back and think. Even if you are pregnant you sould think about the future of that child by time its born you wont have this guy around and may end up resenting the kid. Just MO

[alasia]

I see your point, and I know this is how it seems - trust me, if I was reading this I'd be thinking the same!

 

Silly little girl that can't let go, and may or may not be lying about being pregnant.

 

I am pregnant. Unfortunate that he's the father and he llied about wanting a baby just to get out of using a condom, but there you go.

I know I'm doing it on my own and it's taken me a good few weeks to get to the point of being comfortable, and accepting, the idea of bringing up a baby alone.

 

I don't want him to be involved. It's a pity we couldn't have stayed friends or at least casual aquaintances, but what can you do? I messed that up by being so over the top with contacting him, thinking I was doing the right thing at the time.

 

He says we would have stayed together for longer and had a chance had it not been for all the arguments, I disagree; I think he would have got bored of being in a relationship eventually, the way he has with all his previous girlfriends.

 

I do still have some feelings for him but it's not love - and yes, when we were having sex and cuddling up all night I was kidding myself that he had feelings, especially when he said he did - and because of what he's said in the past; that he simply can't have sex with someone if he doesn't have some feelings for them, but I wouldn't ever get back together with him.

[Teacher's Pet]

Ah, tp, ridiculous as usual lol.

 

You forgot russian roulette.

 

Russian roulette?

 

How would that work?

 

Pull the "trigger" and hope there isn't viable sperm in the chamber?

 

-tp

that'll learn 'em!

[ahsumgurl909]

Being that you are pregnant it would be wise that you stay away from him completely. You dont need to be all stressed out and emotional. The baby feels everything you feel. I know for a fact this is true. The joy you feel during your pregnancy will bring you a joyful child. I read my girls bedtime stories before they were ever born and they just had to have a story every night.

 

And it made bedtime easy and fun at the same time. Try to have a positive outlook with your situation. Its the child that is important here and your responsible for it. I know you will do fine. Good luck to you and go NC with this creep let a lawyer handle all your affairs regarding him. As far as the child goes.

 

God Bless