McFadden Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 A few weeks ago I was broken up with by the person I had been dating for around 6 months. It had seemed like things were going well, but the breakup happened suddenly and only vague reasons were given. I was devastated and confused. He wouldn't elaborate on why he wanted to break up, but based on my observations and what I have been told by his gossiping friends, it was because he just finds me obnoxious. I confronted him and he admitted that that was true, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings and he wished his friends hadn't told me. In light of this I told him that I did not want to be friends or talk to him anymore. I was offended. Besides, if someone is too obnoxious to go out with, it would follow that they are too obnoxious to be friends with. But for some reason, no peroid of no contact ever occurred after that. I agreed to meet with him several times to discuss whether or not we would to continue to speak, but no clear decision was reached after several discussions that went on for hours. Again it was vague and up in the air. Finally I announced that I wanted to drop the subject and not be friends since it was not going anywhere and he agreed. I interpreted that as that we would not be in contact, but he continues talking to me at length about random things (bird watching and other activities, school, his items, gossip about third parties) in a cheerful and unperturbed tone every time I run into him. Im trying to get it across that I don't want to talk. When we have to be in the same area I move as far away from him as possible, I have blocked him online and I screen his calls. If he starts talking to me I look at the ground and reply as little as possible but he is undaunted by this and percieves that everything is going well. I have talked to one of his friends since then, and he told that friend that I was over the break up and happy and that we were still friends. Which is basically the opposite of what I tell him. I don't know what to say. My original plan was to have no contact with him in hopes that he would miss me, but I can't seem to enforce no contact to any avail. He is undaunted and does not notice. So maybe I should go in the opposite direction and give up and just act normal? Or would that be a mistake?
magda Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I think whatever you feel comfortable with is best. I would be hurt about the "obnoxious" thing, but it sounds like it would be more awkward to "not talk" since you see him all the time. I suggest being busy talking to someone else when he comes around, and continue what you're doing. Just avoid him. If he persists and it really gets grating, reiterate that you aren't friends.
Author McFadden Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 I don't know what to do. It makes me unhappy to avoid him and to see that he is trying to contact me. He will always take my presence for granted until I drastically remove myself and show that I am serious about it. On the other hand I am afriad if I strongly enforce no contact he will fade away into the night and we will never speak again. He is a very egocentric person and likes to be surrounded by toadies who agree with everything he says. He is pretty dense and not a lot gets through to him (for example he doesn't notice me avoiding him), but once you piss him off you are pretty much amputated forever.
Author McFadden Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 After my first post I firmly decided that NC was best. (groan) And now I just don't know. I have already made some whopping mistakes. For instance every time I happen to see him I attempt to look as sad and morbid as possible. I hoped that this would inspire sympathy, which it did, but I have been informed by this forum that thats a bad thing if I ever want him to get back together with me of his own accord. He is just sad and feels guilty. I think I have done some things right though. I have refrained from trailing after him moaning and begging to get back together for the most part. I have also refrained from telling him that I will change and I won't be obnoxious anymore. He wouldn't believe me. Despite the fact that he is vague I know exactly what the behaviors are that he is bothered by, and I know I can (and should for the sake of myself and everyone) get rid of them. I think what I need to do is to SHOW that I won't be obnoxious anymore rather than telling him. But how can I if theres no contact? I know everyone says no contact is the only answer but I don't see it fitting into this situation. (Someone tell me if I am totally wrong here.) My decision is I am not going to initiate contact with him but I won't avoid him like the plague and look sad and sick when I do happen to see him as I have been doing, I will just act like he is a normal person. Its out of my hands now, I can only hope he will see the light.
silentcharon Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Doesn't sound like this guy is worth it. How old are you two? It sounds like you don't want anything to do with him, but you want him to some extent, anyway. It's either way, no in between- for this reason, I would recommend NC all the way until you figure out what YOU want. Forget what this guy wants. He's already made it clear that he wants to be friends, it's up to you how you want to play this. So far, you've said that you don't want to talk to him, so tell him that. Cut him off when you two run into each other, "Hey, it's great to know you're doing well with so- so, but I gotta run," and leave it at that. Don't answer his phone calls or texts or emails. He'll eventually get the clue you're serious and leave you alone. Hope this helps.
Author McFadden Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 What I really do want is to get back with this person eventually and I am trying to find the best means to that end (whether it is to completely NC for a while and wait or to stay in contact.) I know I can't force it to happen, but I wouldn't call it a long shot either. I think there's maybe a 50/50 chance because he was so vague about the breakup and because obviously he does want to be around me (despite my behavior.) I want to make sure that I play things right, even if it doesn't work out I want to know I gave it my best shot. As far as whether this guy is worth it, I just know that in my eyes he is, I thought it was a good relationship. We are 18 by the way.
Author McFadden Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 And thanks for advice. I know that it's true that it has to be either way with no in between. Right now it is extremely vague and up in the air as far as whether we are friends/not friends speaking/not speaking, we are not on the same page at all. So I have to make a conclusive decision as soon as possible.
silentcharon Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 NO contact is NO CONTACT. It's to get you to heal, and get over him, that's the point of NO CONTACT. This means avoiding him at all costs, treat him like the bubonic plaque. Be CONFIDENT when you see him. Don't MOPE. So of course, he'll feel guilty if he sees you mope. But c'mon, that's pathetic- you don't need to do that! You're better than that! You don't need to change for him- that's the last thing you need to do. No one should change for anyone. I got a news flash for you, if he thinks you're whatever he thinks you are, that's his opinion of you, and it will probably stay that way no matter how much you "change". Sorry, hun, I think you should cut your losses and move on to the next guy who will treat you better than that. He's just not that into you. 18 is pretty young, and I'm 23- I realize that I'm young too, but 18 is really young to be worrying about that kind of thing. Go out and have fun!
Author McFadden Posted February 11, 2007 Author Posted February 11, 2007 I noticed that when someone moans about wanting to get back together with an ex, everyone's instinct is to tell them to move on and get over it, end of story, even though that's never what the moaning party wants to hear. I don't know. I think in some situations theres a chance of getting back together, it wouldnt be the first time that happened to someone.
magda Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I think you are right -- your best course of action is to not avoid him/not seek him. Basically be ambivalent. Meanwhile, don't be obnoxious, or whatever. He might be more attracted to you when you present more of a "challenge" and have a take it or leave it, hard-to-get thing about you. Just do your thing, try to move on, at least don't over-analyze and first and foremost, let him come to you not so much the other way around. good luck!
Author McFadden Posted February 11, 2007 Author Posted February 11, 2007 Yeah, trying to go strictly NC will make me look like I can not deal with normal social interactions. Obviously he is over it so if I enforce NC it will look like I'm the one who is not over it. (which is true, but that doesn't need to be known.) I will just be normal and reply with polite and minimal contact if he initiates. When he starts talking to me and asks hows it going and stuff is so hard to not to say things like "my life has no flavor without you" and "i am a lost, depressed husk of a person" and "i will die of you don't give me another chance" and the usual, so I am usually just brief and quiet. hasn't anyone else been tempted to say things like that?
silentcharon Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Sure, everyone here has done that at some point of our lives. We begged our exes to come back, we did everything to make them take us back. We're still here because they haven't, and we've learned that it's best to let go. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? We've been tempted from time to time to contact them but we remember that history is history, and leave it at that! Far from it, if you enforce NC, it will look like you are over him. In the mean time, use the time to heal and get over him. Don't play NC as a game, or you surely will get burned.
the_total_package Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Those type of statements are really clever and I like them, but he probably would find them obnoxious! It is sad that you are so taken aback by him saying he broke up with you because you are obnoxious and you are blaming yourself. There is a guy out there who will think what he saw as 'obnoxiousness' and see it as 'adorable and unique' because he will be CRAZY about you. Don't let this guy have you doubt yourself (unless you really are that obnoxious, such as burping loudly in restaurants and such because NO ONE is going to find that adorable, just obnoxious, so if that's the kind of obnoxious he's talking about, I would actually work on that.) It sounds like he really does enjoy your company as a friend but just doesn't see you in a romantic way, which is why he's been so talkative to you, but you've been misreading it as a possibility he still sees you in a romantic way (he doesn't.) If a guy tells me he wants to break up, wipe the tear off your face, cry a little at home, and MOVE ON. Focus on that, not getting back together with someone who finds you obnoxious. Yeah, trying to go strictly NC will make me look like I can not deal with normal social interactions. Obviously he is over it so if I enforce NC it will look like I'm the one who is not over it. (which is true, but that doesn't need to be known.) I will just be normal and reply with polite and minimal contact if he initiates. When he starts talking to me and asks hows it going and stuff is so hard to not to say things like "my life has no flavor without you" and "i am a lost, depressed husk of a person" and "i will die of you don't give me another chance" and the usual, so I am usually just brief and quiet. hasn't anyone else been tempted to say things like that?
Author McFadden Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Update on the situation, I have been keeping minimal and nuetral, not friendly, but I don't ignore him if he asks a question. I try to keep it in my mind to just treat him like I would anyone I'm neutral toward. He has now started hinting about other girls who like him, and loudly flirting with random girls (always girls that are out of his league and would never give him the time of day lol) whenever he sees that I am in earshot. So of course I don't react to any of this, and it is obviously annoying him. Today he said "guess what I did this weekend?" and I said "no clue." He said "do you want to know, I'm not sure if you'd have a problem with it" and I just said "I'm fine with whatever it was." So he didn't tell me, and he stomped off upset. I know his MO and he only plays games like this with people he likes romantically to some extent. I'm going to ignore it though. The little power I have left is to ignore his efforts to get me jealous. He can go bite into a snickers bar because he is not going to be enjoying the sweet satisfaction of seeing me have a jealous tantrum.
Author McFadden Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 So after going with the low-as-possible-contact plan for several days, today I unblock him for a minute and the second I unblock him IMs start to pour in. So I signed off, and he called 2 times then left a voicemail asking why I signed off on him, or was it a computer error or what? All of this was before 8 this morning, when I was going to see him at school anyway. He asked about it again but I pretended I was busy and didn't know what he was talking about. Considering this is not supposed to be a strategy it is working, the more I pull away the more frequently he tries to open dialogue- for many months prior to this I was ALWAYS the one to contact him. If things continue to go this direction he will probably ask me to go out with him again. However the sad thing is that I know this is not because he likes me, he is only hell bent on keeping me in his life because he's such an ******* that he only has like one other person he even vaguely gets along with, and that guy is a scizophrenic who he is afraid of. (The scizophrenic guy has actually tried to kill him before but is supposedly recovered now.) And they have been fighting off and on lately, they may be done. So naturally he does not want me to go as well, but it's sad because I really do love him.
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