Embarrassed to be Single?

[Cossette4]

I think this might have to do with Valentines Day coming up, but I was wondering what others of you thought on this...

 

Lately I find myself embarrassed to be "single" after 7 months, especially when my ex got into another relationship within days of our breakup. Logically, I know he should be the embarrassed one for either being a slimeball who planned all along to leave me for someone else or a pathetic rebounder who can't handle being alone, but lately it's me feeling like the loser b/c I'm not "together" with someone already.

 

I know that no one has a set time for when they are "ready" to date again, and to me personally, I think I need this 7 months (if not a year) to process my 5 and a half year relationship with my one and only love since I was 16, but sometimes I just feel like everyone's looking at me like "Oh she's a single loser...the fact that she was taken for 5 years must have just been a fluke b/c now we all see what a single loser she is."

 

No, no one's specificially said that statement to me, but I just feel paranoid that that's what my friends and my ex are thinking about me ALL of my friends are in "serious" relationships (we are all in our early 20s...some are engaged, some have babies) and I just feel like the "weird one" or like I'm destined to become the lonely old cat lady because of this.

 

Sometimes I feel like the best revenge is getting into an awesome relationship, and until I do that, my ex "wins." Even though everything else in my life is FAR better than the life of my ex, I feel like "being in a relationship" trumps it all.

 

Are we destined to be the losers until we get back out there and find someone else?

[Double D]

What I would ask Cossette4 are you happy with being you?

 

For me thats the most important thing. To know thyself and be comfortable with being you.

 

Finding someone takes time and I know we all do it but try not to measure your life against someone else's. People are in all sorts of different stages in our lives.

 

Your not a loser. When you start feeling like you are, remeber the person you are.

 

[magichands]

Even though everything else in my life is FAR better than the life of my ex,

Well, aren't we being judgemental today. What a silly thing to say.

 

I think you need to get over your overfascination with all things ex.

 

And good advice, Double D.

[RichC]

When you start comparing your circumstances to those of others that is a lose/lose proposition. How do you know that your friends relationships are good? Are they in relationships because they are "supposed" to be? The fact your ex found someone in so short a time is suspicious (at least to me). Are you sure its not "I have someone and you don't ". Chill out and don't try to force it. Life will come at you fast enough as it is. Good luck.

[Cossette4]

Thanks D I think that's my problem--Since this breakup I feel like I've fallen back into junior high mode of caring what other people think/comparing myself with other people instead of just being happy with myself. The funny thing is I've always felt happy with who I was in the past so it's interesting/weird/frustrating to me that I have such low-self-esteem statements coming out of my mouth all because of this stupid breakup.

 

Magic...Sorry if that statement seems judgemental but to me, it's the truth...and I wasn't really saying it to "brag." It was more of illustrating my frustration that other things are going really well for me in other areas of my life that aren't going so well in my ex'es, and yet I only seem to focus on the part of my ex'es life that is going well and rate it above everything else. But you are definitely right about how I need to stop obsessing over him...sometimes it's really difficult to do, though.

 

Rich: Yeah it's very suspicious to me as well and the very shadiness of it causes me to obsess about it, as Magic said. It's frustrating..grr.. I seriously do need to chill out--I've always been this Type A high-strung personality, and now it's getting the best of me in a situation that's out of my control.

[Double D]

Keep working through it and so by the end the person you do eventually end up with will have an even better person by their side.

 

You can control your life and destiny, so its in your capable hands.

 

Go get them!

[RocketMan2]

Cossette, i hear you completely, 100%.

 

Im not embarassed to admit it either, because I know its a problem i have which stems from my low self esteem, which is something i am actively working on to improve.

 

It is the comparison thing which bugs me too, its guess its related to not wanting to 'lose face' or appear like youre useless since they left you for 'someone better' or not wanting them to think theyre better off and made the right choice.

 

Im not sure what advice I have as im in the same place, but I do have a small story to tell (questionable relevance, but anyway)

 

I see this guy every now and then who I don't really like. Ive never got to know the guy so i know my dislike is unfairly founded, but basically hes a proper pretty boy, all the girls fancy him and he was flirting with an old ex once. I think i saw him as a bit of a threat.

Anyway we're all around a friends house watching telly, and theres some program on about really clever kids and he comes out with "i hope my kids are geniuses, lets face it im not going anywhere, someones gonna have to pay for stuff!"

I felt really sorry him. I was so jealous of his looks and charisma thinking its something i HAVE to achieve or ill be a failure, yet to him its nothing, and what he really wants is what I have....

 

I dont know why i have low self esteem, but until i figure it out im going to say its because i've never really recieved compliments for stuff, or if i have ive been too modest to genuinely accept them. Even though he wasnt talking directly to me, it made me realise that maybe i should appreicate what i have more, and stop being so down because im really not that bad. The only major problem with me, is my image of myself! How stupid is that! I'm definately on the road to recovery and improvement now, admittedly im only at the start of the road, and i know that, but at least im on it!

 

I need to stop being such a wuss and man up in this world. If i act all sorry for myself and let people walk all over me, then they will! Who cares what other people have? Stop comparing. Yeah they have it, great, but what have YOU got? Whats your potential? Follow it!

 

Onwards and Upwards!

 

 

Rocket

[taylor]

Cossette4,

 

I completely understand your situation. I am 22-years-old and fell in love for the first time a year ago. We were only together for 5 months but I am still trying to deal with this huge hole in my heart. I thought I was a pathetic loser until I started reading the posts on this forum and realized that it can take a very long time to heal and a long time to "find yourself" and find your self-esteem again. Every day I pray for healing and wisdom. I pray for patience.

 

Like you, my self-esteem took a nose-dive when my ex broke up with me to try to rekindle a relationship with his former girlfriend of 8 years. It's been 6.5 months. I have spent most of this time trying to hang on to my self-esteem. I keep telling myself my ex did not leave me for someone "better," he just left me for someone "different." My ex's best friend, who has supported me through this heartache, tells me all the time, "You were beautiful inside and out before you met him. Nothing has changed since he has come and gone." And my mom gives me a dose of tough love once in a while and says, "Don't you dare let this man steal your self-esteem from you." I think they are pretty smart people.

 

We, like many of the "dumpees" on this forum, have lost love, but we are not losers. We are wounded, we are healing, but we are just as valuable as we were before we gave our hearts to someone who couldn't (for whatever reason) give us theirs back.

 

Like you, I have remained "single" for the past 6.5 months. It's not because I have not had opportunities to date other men who have shown interest in me since the breakup. I have chosen to remain "single" for several reasons. One, I am simply not interested in anyone else. (I think that happens alot after a breakup). Two, I don't think it would be fair to "rebound" with someone else just to make myself feel better when I am not ready to give my heart to anyone else (it's too broken). Third, I think it's important for me to get my act together - regain my self-esteem and confidence - before I try to get involved with someone else (a new boyfriend shouldn't have to deal with my old baggage). I want to heal and feel good about myself again before I try to have a relationship with anyone new.

 

I think in our society, people tend to place "value" on what others have (material things, status, fame, a relationship) rather than on who that person is inside and how they treat others. Maybe that's why we can feel like "losers' if we are "single" when in fact, we aren't at all.

 

You are a winner with a broken heart that is healing. I think that in the end, after you have taken time to heal, you will come out on the other end of this process a stronger, wiser, more confident person who knows who she is and what she wants out of life. You won't feel you "need" a relationship to make you happy or to define who you are. Won't that be a good feeling? Your heart will be healed and your head will be clear and you will be ready to take on all that life has to offer, including any brand new relationship that may be waiting for you.

 

It really isn't important to your healing or to your future what your ex is doing. But I understand the desire to "compare." It's human nature to do it even though we know it does us no good.

 

We feel bad right now. Knowing that they don't feel bad, and my in fact be happy, just adds to our misery. But I think as we recover and start to feel good about ourselves and our lives again we will start to care less about how their lives are going.

 

Side note: Don't assume for one minute that his life (or anyone else's life) is happier or better because they are in a relationship. Read some of the other posts on this forum - there are many unhappy relationships here, full of drama and pain. A relationship does not define who a person is and does not guarantee happiness.

 

I've been told the best "revenge" is to lead as full and as happy of a life as you possibly can. Focus on that. Surround yourself with family and good friends, stay very busy, work hard to love yourself for who you are, and take time to be kind and helpful to others. That way you will be leading a life that anyone would envy.

 

Big hug to you. Take care.

[RichC]

You cannot control your friends or your ex but you can control your cicumstances. Try putting the obssesive energy into something else; work, a hobby, get an outside interest if you don't have one. What is over is over and that is out of your control. Take this time to maybe get to know yourself better then back out into the social scene. It sounds like you need some time to heal from this. Just suggestions.

[Adrenaline]

I would not go as far as Embarrassed of being Single now, but very upset that I have never experienced Valentine's Day with any of my past relationships. In fact, my last three were broken right before Feb 14th. Ughh ..

 

With that said, don't get bent up about it. Hopefully you have friends and family that respect you, if not you have communities like this one that do.

[Adrenaline]

To answer your first question.

No we are not "losers". We may be defeated, but we have an upper hand from the lessons learned.

[guin_girl]

I've never been embarrassed to be single. Sad for lost loves, angry at mistakes I have made, hurt by the lies and cheating, and lonely for being still on my own.

 

But never would I be embarrassed for NOT lying to myself and staying in a relationship just to "save face" to others around me.

 

Cossette4: You are doing the right thing. You were with someone at such a young age for so long. You need this time to find your own identity. I think you have associated yourself with him as a couple for so long that you don't know who you really are on your own. It's scary to come out of a long relationship and you need this time to sort out what you really want in a mate and you now have a chance to find out who you are now from who you were then with him. Don't be embarrassed, stand strong and know that you are in control. I'm sure if you really wanted to be in a relationship, you would be... so you aren't a "loser" you are a WINNER looking for your prize.

[shockandawed]

Hi Cossette!

 

I feel very much the same way as well. I don't think it is so much embarrasment as it is uncomfortable.

 

I was married for 18 years, single for about 6 months before I spent the last 3 years with my ex-fiance.

 

During my relationship with the ex-fiance, we only saw each other about twice a week. So I am used to spending most of my time without being with someone physically. But it's that comfort spot when you are in a serious relationship I miss. The future planning, not so much marriage and such, just the upcoming event stuff. For example, I have a trade show in Vegas this summer. Normally, we would already be talking about it and making plans. Now, while I know I am going, I have no idea if I am going alone, with new partner, etc...Hell, I don't know what I am doing next weekend. It's that uncertainity I miss.

 

Yes, I feel the whole world will be celebrating a wonderful and romantic Valentines Day except me. And yes, I wonder how the ex is spending hers. Wrong, but I do it as well.

 

We aren't losers Corsette.

[Quinch]

Hey, feel free to join my Singles Only party in the water cooler.

[Cossette4]

Thank you guys/girls so much for the excellent advice. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one struggling with these issues.

 

Everytime I get good advice/inspiration from this forum, my family, my friends, a book, a song, etc. I write it down in a journal and then re-read all of it whenever I'm feeling down. So I'll be adding a lot of stuff to that journal in the next few minutes here

 

I dunno if that technique works for anyone else but it helps me b/c I need to have advice reinforced over and over again to be able to rid myself from all of my negative thoughts about the break-up that I've been dwelling on for months.

[SHMILY]

Hey, don't ever think that way!! You are too young to be desperate yet. When you get married, you will know how priceless freedom is. Make some plans just for YOU and carry them out. Try to focus on how to improve yourself when you have lots of time to do it. Being in an unhappy relationship feels 100 times more painful than being single! Sometimes, being single is really not that bad.

[Star Gazer]

I've never been embarrassed to be single. Sad for lost loves, angry at mistakes I have made, hurt by the lies and cheating, and lonely for being still on my own.

 

But never would I be embarrassed for NOT lying to myself and staying in a relationship just to "save face" to others around me.

 

... so you aren't a "loser" you are a WINNER looking for your prize.

[/i]

 

Hear, hear!!!!!

[CaliGuy]

Sometimes I feel like the best revenge is getting into an awesome relationship, and until I do that, my ex "wins." Even though everything else in my life is FAR better than the life of my ex, I feel like "being in a relationship" trumps it all.

 

The best revenge is a life well-lived and needing no one to make your life complete.

 

Are we destined to be the losers until we get back out there and find someone else?

 

I'd rather be single and lonely than married and miserable or in a bad relationship where I am not loved.

 

Who cares? I'm having too much fun right now being single to care anymore. Valentine's Day is just another day on the calendar for me. And I get off easy. I don't have to stress about what to get, where to take her, etc. It's nice for a change!

[magichands]

The best revenge is a life

I agree. I'm trying to get one (I got a great tip once from somebody that shouted something similar to me).

I'd rather be single and lonely

Me too. Except I'm not exactly alone, if you count my glass dildo.

And I get off easy.

Me too.

[Cossette4]

Yeah, Cali/Shmily/Star you're right. I think sometimes for me it's a battle between what I personally think and what I feel "society" thinks, and it seems like lately society has been getting the best of me.

 

My mom has been a single parent since I was a baby and she's always taught me that you don't NEED anyone and you can be really happy loving YOU and to never validate yourself based on your relationship with someone, and I've always believed that and felt like I *thought* the same way. But then with this breakup, I'm really surprised at myself for not sticking to these beliefs and being so swayed by "society" making me feel like I should be dating someone else by now, there must be something wrong with me b/c my ex-boyfriend took 5 years and threw it out the window and jumped in bed with someone else, etc.

 

I never felt this way when I was in my own relationship or ever looked at single people and thought "Wow, loser" so where do I get this idea from that other people are doing that to me?

 

I either have serious paranoia issues or else I think some of my *friends* go way overboard in their own relationships and give off this vibe that being in a relationship is the ultimate happiness. I can't tell you how many times I've had to sit there and listen to them go on and on about something *cute* their boyfriend/fiancee did or look at a thousand pictures of them doing the same pose and pretend like I'm interested, or sign online and read away messages that are pretty much verbatim dialogue from Dawson's Creek. It's obnoxious. I don't think I was that immature about relationships since I was 16 or 17...