pinkpippacat1 Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Ok - will try to keep this brief but, in a nutshell, I have fallen for a friend of mine who has recently got married (5 months ago). We drink together a lot and one night about 2 months ago he ended up drunk at mine and we kissed - I said straight after that this was a one-off and wouldn't happen again to which he replied that we had to be "more discreet in future"! Since then, we have kissed a few times (drunk and sober) and the "relationship" has developed considerably. I haven't slept with him (and wouldn't while he's married - I know his wife & she is lovely!) but we are in pretty much constant contact through meeting, text and email and both of us admit that we are developing strong feelings for the other. I have tried to put an end to it a couple of times - but admit that I have maybe not tried hard enough as it doesn't seem to make any difference really. I just seem unable to stay away and feeling is mutual. For example, two days ago I told him it had to end, that the situation wasn't fair to anyone, that would all end badly etc. His reaction was firstly that he felt "dumped"; that he was falling for me; but ending it was the right thing to do and since then has also asked that we stay as friends and don't avoid each other etc and also sent me messages saying that he is missing me. To put another spin on this, he has also said that he would feel guilty about his wife if anything more physical happened and that he doesn't think he would be able to go through with anything (although he is normally the one that instigates physical contact...) and that if this got out we would both be "social outcasts" (we have a very close knit group of friends) as his first thoughts - nothing about his marriage being over! Also hes constantly making plans to spend time with me in various capacities - from drinks at the bar to afternoons in watching DVDs to going to concerts etc - we haven't had NC for more than 1 day since this started, despite my (seomwhat feeble) attempts to end this. One final thing is that he is very open about being flirty and touchy-feely with me in public - doesn't seem to bother him at all... Almost don't understand why his wife has does not suspect anything - maybe she does but has no proof - but she is certainly not the type to turn a blind eye at something like this. Anyway, my query is this - am I wasting my time with this? What should I do - carry on and see where it leads or, no matter how hard, to ditch it? Do people think he is just out for what he can get or does it sound more genuine? Why can't either of us walk away knowing that this ends horribly (even if end up with him, the fallout will be huge..)? Mutual friends (including his best mate) have commented that he has "settled" by marrying her; and that they never thought they were particularly suited (they have no shared interests and do very little together) - just to give you some more info. I knew this guy pretty well before this started and I think he is probably genuinely confused - he has commented many times that we are meant to be together but just met at the wrong time - but would appreciate any other comments on this! Right, any comments appreciated - even if are telling me I am being an idiot! Thank you!
frannie Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Errrr. I think he's just wasting your time. And yes, the fallout will be huge if this comes to light. He sounds like a complete **** to be honest. Five months married, messing around with someone else, and saying he 'would feel guilty' if it went any further..? Just tell him he must be joking. What a loser.
Reckless Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 There IS no dilema really - in your heart you want him (although he seems to have no admirable qualities) he knew you before he was married and if he wanted you you would no doubt be married to him now. He doesn't want you and he doesn't want his wife (or a least he deoesn't want to be faithful to her). The only real question is do you want to be his 'bit on the side', his f*ck buddy until he decides to either bale out and start again with someone that won't be you, or give his marriage an honest go. Your call
Guest Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Hello!!! You know what you are doing and so does he. Regardless of whether or not you have slept together (yet), there is no difference between a full blown "affair" (read: adultery) and what you have fallen into. By your description you know what is going on and are relunctant to further participate even though it is difficult to shut off your feelings. This man on the the other hand seems well aware as much as manipulative and certainly disrespectful to his spouse. Yes, I would think your friend(s) might make you, him, or both outkasts; I would imagine they find the situation disgusting. And don't be surprised if the ALREADY know and are talking about you both already behind your backs. No matter how discreet you both may think you are, you would be surprised how intuitive those who know you both are about your invisable "goings on". Good luck!
bluetuesday Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 of course you shouldn't carry one and see where it leads. good god, woman, get a grip of yourself. stop being intimate with him. tell him to stop expressing his feelings, stop expressing yours and cease contact with him unless his wife is there. being in a situation where you kiss him and become more intimate is totally unacceptable. he is taken - leave him alone. yes, i know he is to blame too but clearly he is acting as selfishly as you are and unless you want his wife to find out and force him to choose between you and her, you need to be the good guy and see sense. if you can't do this, there is either something mentally wrong with you and you're not in control of your actions, or you don't want to stop it. they are the only two choices. ultimately the reason you can't walk away is because you're selfish and you want what YOU want more than you want him to work at his marriage. you seem to care nothing for his wife, despite saying she's lovely. your feelings are more important to you or you would never be considering having an affair with him or hoping something more develops. if you have any feelings for him, you would realise that destroying his marriage will cause him a great deal of hurt. if he really wanted you - if you weren't just a mate who is letting herself become sexually available to him - he wouldn't have married someone else. he is just seeking a thrill and probably has no intention of quitting the woman he chose to marry only five months ago. however, if he was a real man and genuinely wanted you and cared for you and realised he had made a mistake with his marriage, he still would not be setting you up to be his mistress. he would respect you more than that and would get out of his marriage first. he sounds like a spineless tw*t. you wanted blunt, there it is.
lindya Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Anyway, my query is this - am I wasting my time with this? What should I do - carry on and see where it leads or, no matter how hard, to ditch it? Do people think he is just out for what he can get or does it sound more genuine? Why can't either of us walk away knowing that this ends horribly (even if end up with him, the fallout will be huge..)? The way you're portraying it, it all sounds very "star-crossed lovers"...and what can be more addictive than one's own personal soap opera? The more you get embroiled in this, the messier and more painful it will get. That's your one guarantee here. Do you feel as though you need to put yourself and other people through a painful emotional mangle in order to acquire a bit of wisdom and common sense, or can you just be content with learning something from the many tales of drama and woe in this section?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 1. Anyway, my query is this - am I wasting my time with this? 2. What should I do - carry on and see where it leads or, no matter how hard, to ditch it? 3. Do people think he is just out for what he can get or does it sound more genuine? 4. Why can't either of us walk away knowing that this ends horribly (even if end up with him, the fallout will be huge..)? 1. Yep, you sure are. 2. Ditch it. 3. It sounds to me like he's looking for some available strange on the side, and you just happen to be willing. If it weren't you it would be someone else. 4. You can't walk away because you fancy yourself in love with a poor trapped married guy who just wants to find happiness in his life. He can't walk away because he knows he doesn't have to. He gets to stay married, and he gets to have a side piece to play with. Best of both worlds for him. And don't fall for the old "I feel guilty" crap. He's only saying that to make himself look like less of a bastard, and he knows it makes you more sympathetic toward him, and thus more likely to put out when the time comes. Plus, when he's caught he can always convince his wife that it was all your doing and he "felt guilty" the whole time, but that you preyed on him anyway not caring that he felt guilty. Trust me, when the time comes to throw the OW under the bus the MM will twist pretty much anything around to make it sound like the OW's fault. I knew this guy pretty well before this started and I think he is probably genuinely confused - he has commented many times that we are meant to be together but just met at the wrong time - If he really felt that way about you, he wouldn't have chosen to marry someone else. He only cares enough about you to mess with you behind his wife's back. No more than that, no less than that. If you want to see how genuine this guy is about you, then take the steps to see how he really feels. Tell him that you love him, and that you want to be with him but that as long as he is married, you will not have any contact with him in any way, shape or form. If he tries to contact you while he is still married, you will forward that contact attempt to his wife. If he wants you, he has to come to you with signed and notarized divorce papers. Until then, you two will have zero contact with each other. One of two things will happen. If he doesn't really love his wife, and wants to be with you - he will be. If he does love his wife and only sees you as a side item, he will simply let you walk away. I guess this will only work if you value yourself enough to stand up for what you want, and be willing to walk away from what you don't need. If you see yourself as being worth nothing more than some married guy's side piece then you won't be able to pull this off. What value do you put on yourself? Are you worth it or not?
Tomcat33 Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 Pink - walk away you have NO IDEA what kind of pain you are in for. you seriously don't hav a clue. Read my story if you like and you will see what terrible mistake you are about to make giving in to temptation now. I was with a seperated man I thougth there was hope and there never was, I was lied to strung along lead by the nose in the worst possible way and I am not the kind of person that this would happen to I mean nothing like this has ever happend to me in the past yet I falied to listen to reason and fell into temptation only to do the worst possible harm I could do to myself. If you want to feel the worst pain you will ever feel in matters of the heart, then go ahead and proceed with the affair. Otherwise do yourself a HUGE favour and put a stop to it now. Listen to everyone here they know from experience. Some things in life we don't need to experience for ourselves in order to know that they will be harmful to us. This is one of them. Be strong and please move on. There is nothing there for you. He is married and he will always honour that even though his actions are less than honourable, he's a coward and will never leave her to be with you and you are kidding yourself thinking that you will be able to seperate your feelings from the fling part, you simply won't and the only one who will end up deeply hurt will be you.
norajane Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 If you think it's hard to walk away now, it will be exponentially harder the longer you continue the way are. You need to get a grip and let this go, because you are only going to harm yourself further. Even if you don't give a damn about his marriage or his wife, certainly you ought to be considering your own well-being. The more you get sucked into this, the more heartache for you, and the less likely you will be to ever be with a man who can actually be with you openly, with love, and with respect. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's going to fall in love with you and leave his wife for you. This man respects neither you nor his wife - sounds like a grade A loser to me...surely, you must have seen this aspect of his personality long ago since you knew him so well.
Jinxx Posted February 11, 2007 Posted February 11, 2007 I also agree with the others -- run, don't walk away from this. I'm telling 'ya the pain is not worth it. It friggin hurts like hell. Unless he is willing to leave his wife, it is just not worth it. Just so you know -- after a year, I walked away. I love my MM with all my heart and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. His wife is a lovely woman also -- a very decent woman.
Author pinkpippacat1 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Thanks guys! As an update, despite my saying on Thursday that this needed to stop, he texted me this morning full of "darling"; "love"; kisses etc. Sent him a text back saying (and I quote) "U need 2stop with this. Ur married for f**ks sake. What is it u want from me?!? All we can be is friends so be a friend ok? U know where the line is - just treat me as u'd treat (X - mutual friend of ours)". Was hard to do but at the same time was annoyed as didn't feel he was really respecting my saying I couldn't do this only 3 days before... He immediately replied (in a hell of a mood!) but wants to meet on Thursday to discuss things face-to-face (I am not free before then) so guess I will have to have it out with him and try to find out what the heck is going on - much as I don't want to, I think the idea of an ultimatum where he doesn't contact me unless has divorce papers in his hand is probably my only option... Watch this space basically! I know some of you see me as a "bad person" but I really am trying to do the right thing here - am just really confused - if I wasn't I would have slept with him and wouldn't be posting asking other peoples advice!
Author pinkpippacat1 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Should also say that prior to his getting married, I only knew him through mutual friends. Maybe saying that I knew him before he was married gave wrong impression. I went to work overseas for a few months just before he got married and this has all started in the 2 months that I have been back! Sorry for confusion (if is any!)
Ripples Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Um, I think meeting him on Thursday may not be a brilliant idea. I've found that meeting with a guy that one has just split with tends to just drag things out. If he really felt anything for you, surely he'd respect what you've said and let you move on? Either way, please reconsider meeting with him, it makes it so much harder to make the break.
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