Author guin_girl Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 What is your compulsion to go onto his myspace? You're only going to hurt yourself and your progress. If I stuck a fork in your hand every time you clicked his myspace, I bet you would stop. Well, you're sticking the knife in your side. You can control it. You have discipline. Stop it. Well had I not found his myspace page (which he was not upfront about) I would still be thinking "poor guy having such a hard time with the divorce finalization". I would not know the truth. So technically, uncovering this should help me move on more that just the "disappearing act" he pulled by going from every day contact to SILENCE. I just found it Friday night, and so it's a fresh wound... so my compulsion I guess is to prove to myself that what I suspected really is true. And the fact that I can see it and read it for myself is torture, I know I shouldn't but like I said before, it's like a bad car accident. You know you should move on, but you are caught up in it.
Author guin_girl Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Forgive me LS for I have sinned... why the hell did I look again... didn't learn anything new other than your heart is REALLY loud when it pounds in your ears!! and your hands can shake so much you can't type... UGH
Davis Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Well had I not found his myspace page (which he was not upfront about) I would still be thinking "poor guy having such a hard time with the divorce finalization". I would not know the truth. My compulsion I guess is to prove to myself that what I suspected really is true. Hey Guin! You never answered if you went to any counseling before. No worries; if you have/are great for you and if you haven't I think you should try it because if would really benefit you. Just trying to be helpful. Moving on... I understand what you're saying about finding his myspace and finding the truth. I had my ex's passwords to her myspace and her email (she stupidly didn't remember that she gave them to me). I found out she was cheating by her correspondence to these other guys. More info than I wanted, but i found out the truth. However, after that point, I was determined not to look at either anymore. I also made a promise to my friends that I would not look anymore. Also, I knew it would be more bad news and painful. I knew the truth and the "real" her so I didn't want to keeps sticking the knife in my side. So! Stay off his myspace before I find his account, write him and tell him you're stalking him!! Ok, your compulsion was to find the truth. Fine. But, I was asking what's your compulsion now to continue looking? If I could quote Dr. Phil: "what's your payoff for continuing your behavior?" Is it that if you keep looking then that keeps you "in the loop" and then you do not have to move on? Maybe it's because if you keep looking, that pain is less than facing the fact that you are alone and lonely? It's a tough question to answer, think about it. ~Davis
Author guin_girl Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Hey Guin! You never answered if you went to any counseling before. No worries; if you have/are great for you and if you haven't I think you should try it because if would really benefit you. Just trying to be helpful. Moving on... not really, my dad is a counselor... I'm not interested... which should amuse others being I have my degree in psychology and originally was going to be one... my friends come to me for support, I'm great for them, just don't follow my own advice I understand what you're saying about finding his myspace and finding the truth. I had my ex's passwords to her myspace and her email (she stupidly didn't remember that she gave them to me). I found out she was cheating by her correspondence to these other guys. More info than I wanted, but i found out the truth. However, after that point, I was determined not to look at either anymore. I also made a promise to my friends that I would not look anymore. Also, I knew it would be more bad news and painful. I knew the truth and the "real" her so I didn't want to keeps sticking the knife in my side. So! Stay off his myspace before I find his account, write him and tell him you're stalking him!! LOL.. he knows that I'm pretty good with computer investigation, wouldn't surprise him, other than "why did it take her so long?". That's what I've been taking classes on the past couple of years. When he needed information about his ex and her ex, he had me doing some tracking Ok, your compulsion was to find the truth. Fine. But, I was asking what's your compulsion now to continue looking? If I could quote Dr. Phil: "what's your payoff for continuing your behavior?" Is it that if you keep looking then that keeps you "in the loop" and then you do not have to move on? Maybe it's because if you keep looking, that pain is less than facing the fact that you are alone and lonely? It's a tough question to answer, think about it.~Davis Ah yes, Dr. Phil.... "how's that working for ya" (too bad he won't man up and admit he was married before and walked out on that one...) anyway, since it's soooo fresh, I don't find it to be that odd that I would look, but it actually validates that I need to get over him and move on... the list I guess as horrible as it is, isn't enough. I have to get over it before the 28th, we are going to be at the same game with the same group of people... I already have my tickets with our friends, I don't know if he has or not, but more than likely he will... even if he doesn't, it's a small venue, we will run into each other... I have to get over this by then, I just have to!
Davis Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 not really, my dad is a counselor... I'm not interested... which should amuse others being I have my degree in psychology and originally was going to be one... my friends come to me for support, I'm great for them, just don't follow my own advice I have to get over this by then, I just have to! Your Dad is a counselor and you have a degree in psych and you don't want to go? You say "I'm not interested"!? Nothing like wanting to continue avoiding the past! It's not that bad Guin. If I can get through some tough counseling, then you can too. Man up, girl!! Ok, it validates that you should move on. So why do you continuetoo look? His "list" isn't horrible enough? How much more emtional abuse do you want to put yourself through? If you want to "get over" this by the 28th, you'd better stay off his myspace and quit keeping the wound fresh.
MagnoliaJane Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Hi Guin, I think Davis is right. If you keep looking at his Myspace it probably is because you want to "keep in touch" with him on some level. At some point you have to acknowledge that and cut yourself off. Easier said than done, I know. I'd say: take your time, but do it eventually. Davis is giving you some tough love when he writes about being alone and lonely. There it is, the so feared "black hole"... but avoiding the hole is no solution. We probably have to go through that hole a number of times during our life. But it will make us wiser and stronger, a lesson well learned. The challenge is not to become bitter.
Author guin_girl Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Hi Guin, I think Davis is right. If you keep looking at his Myspace it probably is because you want to "keep in touch" with him on some level. At some point you have to acknowledge that and cut yourself off. Easier said than done, I know. I'd say: take your time, but do it eventually. Davis is giving you some tough love when he writes about being alone and lonely. There it is, the so feared "black hole"... but avoiding the hole is no solution. We probably have to go through that hole a number of times during our life. But it will make us wiser and stronger, a lesson well learned. The challenge is not to become bitter. Thanks MJ... I know that and I will be ok. He's bad news and I know that too. It's been 3 weeks of no contact, so it's not really fresh. And actually, I have an old friend who has resurfaced in the mean time... kinda odd the exact same week he went loco, this guy popped up. And this guy had disappeared at the same time the other entered my life. very odd... maybe they are one in the same... hmmmm... both divorcing guys with issues... Anyway, being alone isn't a big thing for me. I'm 40, never married, no children, I been living alone for 22 years now, so it's not like it's something new. It's actually weirder to have someone, then to not...
MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 ...if one door closes there's another that opens. Be careful with the divorcees and their baggage, though. Be very, very careful!
Author guin_girl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 ...if one door closes there's another that opens. Be careful with the divorcees and their baggage, though. Be very, very careful! Yea I know, but at my age, they are everywhere... there's an epidemic
Cossette4 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I thought I'd throw in my two cents on the Myspace discussion you were having a few threads back. Myspace. Needs. To. Die. It has caused me the worst (and most unnecessary hurt) throughout this whole ordeal. I was with my boyfriend for 5 years and we were each other's first and only loves until he just out-of-the-blue ended everything and I found out a week later he started dating a girl from work...another week later, they are living together. (Either he was a complete cheater/scammer or he is a sad, sad, rebounder...I'll probably never know.) I figured she would be like some amazing attractive smart outgoing person but I found her Myspace and wanted to vomit. She's anything but attractive, she's a highschool dropout, she's proudly bisexual and in detail describes the types of girls she finds sexy, and she links to ANOTHER website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in ducttape and bubble wrap and people can "rate her." I KNOW. So you'd think that I'd find her so sad and laughable that I wouldn't care, right? No. This was like, so unbelievable to me that I became obsessed with her stupid Myspace. (I almost wish she was some sexy, smart, going-places girl so at least their relationship would make SENSE). Neither me or my ex ever had Myspace so it was always me just checking hers anonymously until one day I see she's added a new friend and it's HIM. And she is his only friend (so it pretty much tells me she just made a Myspace for him so she could publicize their relationship even more and show all her creeptastic Myspace pals her new boyfriend). So she posts a PROFESSIONAL PHOTO taken of them on BOTH their pages (which could very well be an engagement photo for all I know) and she writes "I love you sexy." And then comments on her own photo, "Wow your girlfriend is HOT." Um. Right. 1. You LIVE together, so your communication via Myspace is sad. 2. When you have to comment to call yourself hot, you aren't hot. Yeah, so, moral of the story is...I pretty much wanted to die after seeing this photo of the only boyfriend I've ever had and had for 5 years with some skankified creep in a professional pose. And then the comments were just additional knives jabbing at me. Even though you would think my stalker behavior would increase now that they are acting out their relationship online for me to see, I have vowed NEVER to look at it again because I just KNOW there's going to be stuff that would enrage me to see/read and then I'd just have to get over THAT in additional to alllll the stuff I'm already dealing with. So I just haven't looked at it anymore, and sometimes, ignorance really is pure, pure bliss.
Davis Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 So you'd think that I'd find her so sad and laughable that I wouldn't care, right? Even though you would think my stalker behavior would increase now that they are acting out their relationship online for me to see, I have vowed NEVER to look at it again because I just KNOW there's going to be stuff that would enrage me to see/read and then I'd just have to get over THAT in additional to alllll the stuff I'm already dealing with. So I just haven't looked at it anymore, and sometimes, ignorance really is pure, pure bliss. Hey Cossette! How are you? When my ex broke up with me the first time, she went back to her loser ex boyfriend that was a crankster. This is the same guy that she used to have huge fights with and the guy that hit her a couple of times. If it makes you feel better, I was shocked and dumbfounded she would go back to such a loser. I thought it was laughable and absurd. They didn't work out. Your ex sounds like he's getting the girl he really deserves. Knowing she's a piece should actually help you get over him. Guin! See what Cossette had to say!? She too vowed not to look at myspace again. It hurts way too much. Stay off that myspace girl! By the way, you better re-think your situation with your new guy that is not divorced. I will never date a woman again that is not fully divorced. Too much can happen, all at your expense. I thought you were going to try to change the kind of guys you date?
Author guin_girl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Cossette4, I remember reading your post about that earlier... maybe that's what made me look? I don't know. All I know was he mentioned that he has a "new female friend" while we were still together. She was someone he knew in HS (almost 20 years ago) and he said she contacted him to apologize for how she treated him back then... that sure didn't sit well with me... "how did she contact you, how do you get a new female friend in another state"... via myspace... well his pattern is to hook up with old HS girls and ship them here... So when I hadn't heard from him in over two weeks, I had to know... and wha la... there they are.... "hot" must be the myspace word, because that's how he described her in the comments... that really hurt, he complimented me once, and it was just "nice"... I'm not a dog, I do attract men... I'm 5'4", 118 lb, mostly leg (even though I'm short), with long light brown hair and green eyes... I'm told that I have a beautiful smile... I tried to be objective, but of course my friends (who are also his friends) wanted to know who she was, they were very negative about her, not sure if it was because they know I'm hurting or what... but "road hard and put away wet" was the consensus. But it doesn't matter what I think, he's attracted to her, not me... his issues aren't going to go away just because he's got someone new... being she's not here, he can hide them alot longer. Thank you for sharing your saga with me, it does suck. And now I know his truth, even if he couldn't share it with me... I will be fine, I know, it's just the first relationship after the most horrendous one and it just drudges up old pain... (not that it helped to see the bad ex during the same time)
Author guin_girl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 By the way, you better re-think your situation with your new guy that is not divorced. I will never date a woman again that is not fully divorced. Too much can happen, all at your expense. I thought you were going to try to change the kind of guys you date? Don't worry, he lives in another state and works with NASCAR, so he's on the road for the next 34+ weeks. I might see him in July... which is a full year from when we met... haven't seen him since then, so no worries, if anything he's a good IM buddy... plus I get the inside scoop on my driver
MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Yea I know, but at my age, they are everywhere... there's an epidemic Ha, en if they've never been married at 44 -like my ex-bf- then it's almost sure they never will! And I wasn't even looking to marry him, a nice, committed, sustainable relationship would have suited me just fine. Alas... he can't, he won't... So, I'm not sure... it's almost like 'if they've been married at least they have been able to commit'....
Cossette4 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Knowing she's a piece should actually help you get over him. Haha Davis, yes that does actually help. Whenever I feel really down, I'm like...wait...a...minute....And it's not even her "looks" as much as it is her nasty, nasty character. Somedays I actually hope they stay together forever because after the mean way he treated me during the breakup, I want him to have no better than her! And that way I'll never have to look back and think, "Wow he ended up with someone really great, and I let him slip through my fingers." Instead I'll probably be saying something along the lines of "...Aahahahahah." Guin, I had a similar thing happen with my ex'es mutual guy friends. They were all like, "Ummm...this girl is nasty. We have NO idea what he's doing." One of them actually cut all ties with my ex because he feels he's not even the same person anymore after what he did to me and who he chooses to be with. And prior to taking my anti-Myspace stance, I showed all of his guy friends the website of her wrapped in duct-tape and bubble wrap, and we all had a hearty laugh
Author guin_girl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 they've never been married at 44 -like my ex-bf- then it's almost sure they never will! Gee, I hope guys don't think that about me... I'm just waiting for the right one... I'm too good at long term dating apparently... 6 years with one, 8 with another...
In Liquid Wonder Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I'm totally in the same boat as you. AMEN to this post, and good luck to all on the thread.
In Liquid Wonder Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I completely understand where you're coming from. My ex - get this - lives three feet away, directly across the hall. And just entered a new relationship. (We've been separate for about 3 months now.) We've got Facebook at our college, so it's like instant-bad-news all the time. Here's what I did. I hope it helps you regain some self-control in this. 1. I blocked him on all online sites we shared access to. I also disconnected myself from his closer friends that we shared - they weren't worth the constant reminder of his ignorant happiness. 2. I don't talk to him. When this semester resumed, he kept saying hello to me and small talk. It was misleading and I wanted no part in it. I called him out from his room (not a difficult task in my place!) and told him to cease, immediately. He does not initiate any conversation, ever, and I'm the better for it. 3. Because he lives so close to me, I felt compelled to withdraw from some of the activities we used to share. I spend my time in different ways to fresh up my day-to-day and keep the focus of my thoughts on the coolest girl ever - me. (And quite possibly you, too. ) 4. About that previous point: Reclaim your time. Without him around, my time is totally at my disposal. I recently began meditating, and have found a whole new world of awesome that absolutely no one can touch. I also write poetry, write music, and work hard on my school work/responsibilities. I admit, I'm not wholly my "old self" just yet, but I'm going to be better than that by the time I'm done. 5. Talk to your friends. Even if you haven't talked to them all that much/in ages, there's nothing quite as refreshing as rekindling old sparks of fun. 6. When you feel crappy, remember his poor choices. Don't beat yourself up over a jerk who isn't worth your time anymore. I mean it. It's hard. It sucks... but it's the truth. There's nothing positive that comes from you mulling about over him. Lord knows he has no idea, nor would he behave all that differently. That's just not what people do - they take care of themselves, rightly or wrongly, above others. You need to take care of yourself, too. 7. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to something cool every once in awhile! You need to love yourself and treat yourself well before anyone else can. Good luck! You can message me anytime.
MagnoliaJane Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Gee, I hope guys don't think that about me... I'm just waiting for the right one... I'm too good at long term dating apparently... 6 years with one, 8 with another... Guin, I'm 38 and have never been married either, so... I think there are a whole lot of us in the same boat. But I don't claim to be afraid of commitment either, like my ex does I do think I fall for unavailable men, however...
Cossette4 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Good advice, Wonder. I especially like #6 and think it's my main thing I need to work on. I spend so much time on him and his dumb decisions...sometimes the only thing that snaps me back is watching something on tv where someone has some terminal illness and then I remember how much life I am wasting on him and his skank-face new girlfriend. We seem to be around the same age (I just graduated from college). Do you feel the epidemic where it seems like EVERYONE is getting engaged/married/moving in together/having babies or is that just me? I'm just asking because that's something I've found difficult to deal with during my breakup. It just seems like everyone around me is taking their relationships to the next level and they've only been with these people for like a year or so...and I had this relationship for 5 years and it just shattered everywhere...Boo for timing.
Author guin_girl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 ILW, I give you credit for sure... I can't imagine having to get over someone that lives across the hallway! Kudos for you being so strong. As for our mutual friends, I knew them separately from him for a couple years before I ever met him. Oddly, we never crossed paths, but back then, he was married, so I probably didn't even give him a second glance when I saw him. I will not give up our friends, and I think he knows that already. So he will probably make himself scarce. We live in different cities, so there are no chance meetings, no running into each other at the grocery store, etc.Although we attend the same sporting events, I will be sure to have other friends with me so that I'm not sitting there alone. I never gave up on my own hobbies and interests... And he did not participate in any of them.I also never gave up my friends. Thank goodness!!THIS IS THE ONE I HAVE TO WORK ON. I can't help but think of why he dumped me for her. Whatever happened to an old fashioned breakup? You know the kind where you end one relationship, wait a little and then date someone new? Not date someone new and THEN break up with the first one... or how about... friggin actually break up and not just disappear... that's the part I am having the hardest time with... that he didn't have enough respect for me to actually tell me it was over. That's what makes me sooooo angry.I've been too good to myself... my credit card company thanks him for their new income I'm working my way through it... last night anytime I thought of looking up his page again, I picked up my weights and worked out.... man do my legs hurt...
Davis Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Whatever happened to an old fashioned breakup? You know the kind where you end one relationship, wait a little and then date someone new? Not date someone new and THEN break up with the first one... or how about... friggin actually break up and not just disappear... that's the part I am having the hardest time with... that he didn't have enough respect for me to actually tell me it was over. That's what makes me sooooo angry. Because that's what a majority of people do today. You can call it the Bill Clinton era; it's where it's ok to be self serving and have no character nor ethics. It was ok for him to get BJs in the Oval Office because that's not cheating on his wife and then lie and lie to everyone. That's how our society has changed. If you find someone better, more attractive or whatever, it's fine to start up with them, serve your own narcissism and don't worry or think about how you're hurting your S.O. or anyone else. My ex, as you probably know, never indicated to me that she was unhappy, set something up with another guy, slept with him and when she was sure she had him wrapped up, then she was ready to bail on me. But I found out through her email and bailed on her before she had a chance to dump me. Like you, that behavior makes me angry too! I think it's BS that people have no balls today. My ex told me in her Dear John email that if she respected me more, she would not have done what she did. Right. She admits I was "good" to her, yet she doesn't respect me? Whatever. It makes us angry when we're on the receiving end of these people. I think we get angry at the disillusionment and disappointment; that they could treat us that way after sleeping with us, spending so much time with us, telling us they love us and so on. You and I as well as others on here expect someone to breakup clean and then start with someone else. That's what we would do. Even if I met, for example, Heather Locklear, I would not have slept with her behind my ex's back and then disappeared on her. I could have broken up with my ex and waited a while to start up with someone else. And if I had jumped into something with Heather, what would Heather think of me as a person? I would not want to hurt my S.O. like that. But, that's not what these people do because they are LOW on character. They are very selfish. They are different than the rest of us. That's why you have to be very careful who you get involved with and really pay attention to the red flags. So be mad at his behavior Guin and glad that you're done with that selfish, self-centered narcissist!!
Cossette4 Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 Originally Posted by guin_girl Whatever happened to an old fashioned breakup? You know the kind where you end one relationship, wait a little and then date someone new? Not date someone new and THEN break up with the first one... or how about... friggin actually break up and not just disappear... that's the part I am having the hardest time with... that he didn't have enough respect for me to actually tell me it was over. That's what makes me sooooo angry. Grr this makes me so angry, too! I always envisioned a breakup as something where it happens, both people remain single for awhile, they are sad but they work on getting over it and becoming better people, and then they eventually start to date other people again. BUT NO. Some people have no maturity or courage to do the "right thing" and they take the easy way out of lining up a new relationship to jump into when the old one fails, leaving people like us to deal with EVEN MORE hurt. I think that's been my major frustration all along with this thing is the DISRESPECT involved in the breakup, rather than the breakup itself.
In Liquid Wonder Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 If you don't want all of these guys, guin, you can send the leftovers my way! ;p
Author guin_girl Posted February 14, 2007 Author Posted February 14, 2007 If you don't want all of these guys, guin, you can send the leftovers my way! ;p lol... What I discard, you wouldn't want anyway... they are worse than the "good" ones that treat me bad...
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