Can't get him out of my head...

[guin_girl]

Man this has been a bad week for me... saw the ex for the first time in a year... and he was the one who had a second life that I had no clue about. And now last night I found out the guy that I was dating for several months had found someone else and didn't bother to break it off with me... apparently he hooked up with her while he was still with me. It wasn't that he didn't want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me...

 

So I'm feeling pretty low... trying to figure out what it is about me that makes guys cheat on me. I seem to be the only common denominator... But when I break down his pros/cons list of this guy, it's not me that was the problem... although it's a problem that I allowed some of these things to happen to me.

 

Pros:

1. Has a good job, been there 10 years, makes pretty good money
   
2. Has his own vehicle, and it runs (previous guys actually make that a plus)
   
3. Owns 2 condos
   
4. Likes sports
   
5. Doesn't have children

But when you break down the cons, they are definitely bad:

1. drinks too much;has a recent DUI, tried to quit drinking for a month and couldn't stop, he went back to drinking 10-15 beers anytime I was with him... I have to assume that he's the same when I'm not.
   
2. Dips all the time, blech
   
3. Lied about this new girl and talked trash about her
   
4. couldn't man up and say it was over, just disappeared
   
5. OCD... literally followed me around with a vacuum; had a strange habit of twirling his widow's peak incessantly
   
6. Very opinionated if you don't agree with him
   
7. Confessed to still loving his wife and actually showed pictures of her at a VERY inappropriate time
   
8. Left me at other inappropriate times making me feel "used"
   
9. Blew me off on New Year's and other assorted preplanned outings
   
10. Made me hunt for him at a sporting event in a parking lot; man that pissed me off
    
11. Very selfish, everything revolved around him
    
12. Started to become rude and abrupt to the point I talked to him about being an @$$hole... Guess he showed me how much of one he could be!!

Wow... that's not a nice list... and I'm sure that I have forgotten other cons (and probably some pros too)... so why can't I get him out of my mind? I haven't spoken to him in 19 days. Help me get him out of my head!!

[Heartache11]

Hey girl,

 

It seems your con list far outweighs your pro list. And I feel cheating should be the biggest con of all. You deserve someone who respects you and I think you realize this by saying that you aren't the problem.

 

It's hard to let go of someone. I'm sure there are times when those pros may seem to outweigh the cons. But when that happens, just think about what he has done to you and the cons, and you'll realize you are better off without him.

[Shadowdog36]

I read some advice on here a couple days ago, and I think it went something like this...

 

Sounds like you're missing the person you thought they were, not the person they are today. Given the list of cons that you can generate, and the fact that you can see them with your eyes wide open, sounds like you are idealizing what you used to have.

 

I know for myself, I have what can best be described as 'knight in shining armor' syndrome. I knew what was best, and I wanted to save them from themselves, make them better, make them what I missed, what I wanted them to be.

 

Re-read your list of pros. Sounds like some pretty generic stuff on there, and some things that could apply to a lot of guys. I'm not gonna tell you to be happy that you got away from this guy, cause nobody should tell you how to feel. I will tell you to try and remember all the crap he put you through when you're feeling like you're missing him. The 'him' you miss is gone, or more accurately, probably never existed in him in the first place.

[RocketMan2]

Good List!

 

I bet writing that made you feel better

 

What shadowdog said

 

All i hear on here is women complaining that their men have comittment issues or are jerks or cheat on them

 

Im a great guy, I AM a catch, I'm not going to deny it or be modest any more its got me absolutely nowhere good. Where are all these mistreated women who want a good man? I'm right here!

 

Chin up guin_girl, hopefully we'll both find someone who treats us right soon enough

 

 

Rocket

[guin_girl]

Thanks Rocket, I needed the smile...

 

I bet writing that made you feel better

Yea it did help to see it in writing... and I did think of a few more things as I reread it... I go over it in my head a lot, and I know he wasn't the right one in my head. But it was the first relationship since the bad breakup and it failed, miserably. so it hurts. But I was true to myself and spoke up when I didn't agree, like the drinking and rudeness, so I made progress.

 

Re-read your list of pros. Sounds like some pretty generic stuff

SC, you are right, those pros shouldn't be too hard to find, they are "generic" and they are what should be a given from the start. Just knowing that he moved on to someone else and couldn't just be honest really pisses me off... And she will encounter that same list, and subsequent women will too until he realizes he needs help. I don't have the time to be the "queen in shining armor".

[Shadowdog36]

Realization of where the problem lies seems like a good starting point.

 

For you, realize that the problem wasn't yours, and as such, was never him rejecting you. It was merely a continuation of his problems and behavior. He did not reject you, he lost you.

 

For me, the hardest part was realizing that I was the problem. It's so easy to see the fault in others, especially when our actions seem so 'rational'. Admitting a mistake, and really meaning it and learing from it is a big step. Sounds like this guy wasn't ready to take that step, so he jumped from you to her. Plus, it sounds like he's dealing with some insecurity issues. He can't be alone (went right from you to her) and he feels the need to put down others in order to make himself feel better.

 

Quit propping him up and letting him stand on your shoulders. Stand on your own for a change.

[jasmine32]

Hi Guin Girl,

Seems to me like you had a run of bad luck. But tell me, was therea point of time in these relationships in which you can tell when looking back that it was then that things started to go wrong between you and your partners?

Jasmine

[guin_girl]

Realization of where the problem lies seems like a good starting point. For you, realize that the problem wasn't yours, and as such, was never him rejecting you. It was merely a continuation of his problems and behavior. He did not reject you, he lost you.

 

Thanks, that's a good way to look at it. I know I can't take his issues and put the blame on myself. I didn't push anything, I let him set the pace. I didn't want to get involved too deeply.

 

For me, the hardest part was realizing that I was the problem. It's so easy to see the fault in others, especially when our actions seem so 'rational'. Admitting a mistake, and really meaning it and learing from it is a big step. Sounds like this guy wasn't ready to take that step, so he jumped from you to her. Plus, it sounds like he's dealing with some insecurity issues. He can't be alone (went right from you to her) and he feels the need to put down others in order to make himself feel better.

 

He's on the last step of his divorce, so yea he is jumping from girl to girl, and I should have listened to the advice here and got out, but I don't connect with many people, and I hoped this would lead to something positive. He went from such a nice guy to such a jerk... his emotions were all over the place. I contributed it to the divorce, but it's got to be more than that.

 

Quit propping him up and letting him stand on your shoulders. Stand on your own for a change.

 

Well I'm used to be on my own and alone. It's not a problem for me. My problem is letting people in, apparently I only let in the wrong ones. The list was to stop the "propping" and making those negatives more real by seeing them in print.

 

Thanks for your input SD

[guin_girl]

Hi Guin Girl,

Seems to me like you had a run of bad luck. But tell me, was therea point of time in these relationships in which you can tell when looking back that it was then that things started to go wrong between you and your partners?

Jasmine

 

Not really, they are all very different guys... and each story is different. The one ex had a complete other relationship/life that I had no idea about. Not until his gf of 8 years showed up on my doorstep and we had been together at that time for 2.5 years.

 

This new bad relationship, I should have just not gotten involved with him because of his divorce not being final... but he seemed so together in the beginning and we did go slow and then he moved into high gear. I let him set the pace, and I got burned.

[Double D]

All i hear on here is women complaining that their men have comittment issues or are jerks or cheat on them

 

Im a great guy, I AM a catch, I'm not going to deny it or be modest any more its got me absolutely nowhere good. Where are all these mistreated women who want a good man? I'm right here!

 

Rocket I hear what your saying. BIG TIME!

[guin_girl]

All i hear on here is women complaining that their men have comittment issues or are jerks or cheat on them

 

Im a great guy, I AM a catch, I'm not going to deny it or be modest any more its got me absolutely nowhere good. Where are all these mistreated women who want a good man? I'm right here!

 

Rocket I hear what your saying. BIG TIME!

 

I'm a DAMN good catch too... but I don't seem to attract the good catches...

[Double D]

So guin_girl - since we are both good catches, do u come her often?

 

Glad you know you are a good catch. Keep with that positive attitude!

[RocketMan2]

So guin_girl - since we are both good catches, do u come her often?

 

Clear off, i was there first!

 

[Double D]

 

Go guin girl. You have 2 good catches after you.

 

Go Rocketman2!

[Davis]

Haha! Make that one excellent catch (me) and 2 good catches!! Sorry guys!

 

Hey Guin. In regard to the "8 year" guy, YOU are not the problem and you know that. I think I might have been the one telling someone in another thread that you're in love with who you thought he was, not who he is. You even admit it. You thought he was one way and it turned out that he's a liar and a cheater with a drinking problem. THAT is who he is, not the guy you thought he was!!

 

So, similar to me, you choose guys (I choose women) that have issues with lying, cheating and addiction. Subconsciously, we choose people that are emotionally wounded and in need of help or "rescue". I now call myself "Captain Save-a-Ho"! Maybe we should call you "Princess Save-a-Loser"

 

Kidding aside, have you really taken a hard look at how this type of guy fulfills some unresolved issues from your past? Did you have drinkers in your family? Liars? Divorce? Did you have a traumatic event? Lose a loved one at an early age? Not to be Dr. Freud, but I think you have to look at what draws you to these guys and then work on consciously changing the type of guys you date.

 

For example, I don't want to be abandoned, but I subconsciously choose women that will leave me. They also, of course, have personality and addiction issues. Crazy, huh? My intuition tells me that they're no good and they'll leave me and I go forward anyway. Kinda like the women that love the "bad boys". You would think I would choose women that are faithful, but that's not what I've been doing, so I'm working on it!

How do you get him out of your head? Throw away the "pros" list and keep the "cons" list. When you think of him, pull out that cons list.

 

Just to remind you:

 

1. He has issues with drinking (hence current DUI) and all the other personality dysfunctions that go along with that problem.

 

2. You cannot "save" him. He is broken and unfixable by you.

 

3. He is verbally abusive and so is his personality.

 

4. He is LOW on character; he was seeing with another woman and having sex with her behind your back. blech!

 

5. He is a liar, which means you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

Focus on who he really is and the negatives about him. Keep all the fantasy and idealized thoughts about him out of your mind. Just stop it! It's not reality. As you get some more time and distance under your belt, you will start to see more clearly who he is and that you're better off without him. You're doing fine. Hang in there!

[Double D]

Very funny Davis!

 

Your day is looking brighter already guin_girl.

 

All these choices

[Davis]

Very funny Davis! Your day is looking brighter already guin_girl. All these choices

 

Hey! At least I'm in the States! Sorry Guin, I don't think it will work anyway, I don't think you're a Ho in need of saving! Get back to you when I'm better!

[guin_girl]

 

Go guin girl. You have 2 good catches after you.

 

Go Rocketman2!

 

WOW... sweet, now if you two just lived over here in the states... My first fight over little ole me... I liked it

[guin_girl]

Kidding aside, have you really taken a hard look at how this type of guy fulfills some unresolved issues from your past? Did you have drinkers in your family? Liars? Divorce? Did you have a traumatic event? Lose a loved one at an early age? Not to be Dr. Freud, but I think you have to look at what draws you to these guys and then work on consciously changing the type of guys you date.

 

Well my parents have been married 42 years, not always happy, but they worked through everything and seem to be now. No one was big on drinking, although I know that I can have that problem at times, so I try to limit the amount I have. I drank too much with him and I sure didn't like that!

 

I did lose three friends in middle school, all in one year, that was hard. And I'm a victim of date rape, and my first time. So I've always had issues with men and my selections from the very beginning. I also have my degree is psychology, so you would think Freud and I would have figured this out. I am a nurturer, I know that, so I must have that same "Princess Save-a-Loser" complex like you.

 

Focus on who he really is and the negatives about him. Keep all the fantasy and idealized thoughts about him out of your mind. Just stop it! It's not reality. As you get some more time and distance under your belt, you will start to see more clearly who he is and that you're better off without him. You're doing fine. Hang in there!

 

I've harped on it in my head over and over today... and drove my mom insane, but I knew it was better to be with people and not alone... she was amazed by my investigative skills... amazing what you can uncover on the internet!!!

 

I'm off to the bar alone... I know this is a whole nother thread that has been a huge topic... and according to those other people... I'm going to "ho" myself out... little do they know, I'm off to watch the Pro Bowl, Bud Shoot Out and see a live band.... all on my own...

[RocketMan2]

WOW... sweet, now if you two just lived over here in the states... My first fight over little ole me... I liked it

 

26th of march baby!

 

Just gotta convince the boss on monday

 

(id really better wait before i book my flight lol)

 

Rocket

[johan]

WOW... sweet, now if you two just lived over here in the states... My first fight over little ole me... I liked it

 

Don't waste your time with those two losers. I'm the real catch here.

[guin_girl]

I'm such a masochist... I can "see" his new relationship online... all the "cutsie" myspace comments to each other. It's like a stab in my heart... I can't help but look, but I know I shouldn't, it's not healthy... and I just know all those damn hearts will be passing back and forth on Valentines... I don't know how I will stop myself on that day or any day forward now to not look... why oh why was I able or did I uncover these lies??

 

I'm so angry and hurt... because I did uncover the truth, but he couldn't even be honest with me...

[Davis]

No one was big on drinking, although I know that I can have that problem at times, so I try to limit the amount I have. I drank too much with him and I sure didn't like that! I did lose three friends in middle school, all in one year, that was hard. And I'm a victim of date rape, and my first time. So I've always had issues with men and my selections from the very beginning.

 

Hey Guin. That's a heavy load of emotional issues you carry! Even with a degree in psychology, you need outside help and counseling if you haven't already done it. I understand why you drink now. You'll probably have to work on that too. If you want to improve your relationships, as you know, you're going to have to work on all those issues.

 

Guin! Stay the fck off myspace!! You can't control yourself?? BS!! If you put your hand on a hot burner, I bet you'll take it off. You can control it. Stop looking and obsessing about it. Oh, by the way, did I say stay the fck off myspace?!?

[guin_girl]

Hey Guin. That's a heavy load of emotional issues you carry! Even with a degree in psychology, you need outside help and counseling if you haven't already done it. I understand why you drink now. You'll probably have to work on that too. If you want to improve your relationships, as you know, you're going to have to work on all those issues.

 

LOL... I don't drink that much, I have a beer or two when I go out. I do limit my intake, however with him, I did drink more. Experiencing death at a young age forced me to realize that everything can go away in a blink of an eye. The date rape I've come to terms with, an actually think of sex more like a guy than a girl... it's an "act" not an "emotion"... easily can separate them... and no I don't have issues with that... I love being intimate with someone.

 

I'm actually pretty well off considering the things I have been through... there are way more things that I have experienced than I have "confessed". Many people in my shoes would have given up long ago. My parents are actually amazed that I still haven't given up on finding someone or on my dreams.

 

Guin! Stay the fck off myspace!! You can't control yourself?? BS!! If you put your hand on a hot burner, I bet you'll take it off. You can control it. Stop looking and obsessing about it. Oh, by the way, did I say stay the fck off myspace?!?

 

I know, I know... but there is that draw... my whole life is based on the internet... my job... my classes... my hobbies... it's sooooo easy, one little click and BLAMO...

 

and man that was a little harsh there buddy.... Thanks, but OUCH...

[Davis]

I have to be harsh to try to keep you inline!! Ok, you're on the internet all the time. I am too at work. I did not like sticking the knife in my side by looking at her myspace and seeing her with her new loser. I have not been on her myspace or email since we split and I have all of her passwords. Do you like seeing him with another girl?

 

What is your compulsion to go onto his myspace? You're only going to hurt yourself and your progress. If I stuck a fork in your hand every time you clicked his myspace, I bet you would stop. Well, you're sticking the knife in your side. You can control it. You have discipline. Stop it.

 

You said sex is an "act" not an emotion. That is troubling to me even though you say you love being intimate with someone. I don't think of it as an "act", but I can see how you might with your experience. It sounds like you still need to do some more work on that issue.

 

While understanding your past issues and evaluating them is a good first step, it is just that: a first step. You seem like a smart girl with a lot going for you. I can see how the past really effects your choices in relationships now. I think you need outside assistance from a trained professional to help you work through those issues and change your behavior patterns. It will be worth tons later for you later and you'll be glad you did.