oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I was dumped 1 month ago by my gf of 5 months (who just got out of a 5-year relationship). I was blindsided, because she hung out with me all day and kissed, touched, and flirted only to dump me when I made a move on her back at my place that night. Her reasons: "I can't be in a relationship because I don't know who I am and need to find myself; it's not you, it's me." I immediately said BS, that means "you're great, but I'm just not feeling it." She persisted it wasn't the case and she did have feelings for me. I told her I couldn't be her friend for many months and requested no contact. I broke NC the next day, calling her to express anger over hanging out with me all day when she knew she was going to dump me. She went into how tough it was, how she felt like she was giving up something amazing, and how she had to do this because she had been in relationships for the past 8 years, never single for more than a month. I told her it sounded like something else was going on and I had a tough time believing her reasons, but she persisted. I again expressed no contact. She emailed the next day saying "please don't think this is because of a lack of feelings for you. I do have them. I'm just not ready emotionally." Sticking to her story. A week later she includes me on an invite out with friends. I violate NC the next week when the reply to all's pour in and tell her "this is what I meant when I can't be your friend right now. Please, respect that I can't be in your presence until I am over you." She replied that she understood, but to let her know when I was down for a friends with benefits relationship. I violated NC again and went off on her, telling her that was a cruel suggestion and wasn't going to happen, that she had no right to approach that boundary let alone cross it. I also expessed my confusion about the breakup, how none of my friends bought the reasons she gave me; how it wasn't fair to hang out all day if she knew she was going to dump me; how it was selfish of her to get in a relationship if she truly wasn't ready and say heavy things like I love you and would never leave you; and how if the gender roles were reversed, the girl's friends wouldn't believe those reasons and would consider the guy the world's biggest ******* if he suggested FWB two weeks after dumping her, and rebound relationships were totally unfair to the other person and are immature. I didn't get a response. I made 2 weeks of progress until the FWB suggestion, which set me back to day 1 emotionally. I make 2 more weeks of progress and start to cope, but learn over drinks with a mutual friend that over Christmas, her ex laid a bunch of **** on the table and essentially proposed to her; I noticed her acting distant around this time and called her on it but she said nothing was wrong. I sent the drunken "FU, how dare you lie to me. You have no right to be that selfish and it is pathetic" email. After 4 weeks, I am back to day 1 emotionally. Our friend told me later that day she claimed to him the breakup was not because of the ex, but because she was just confused about me, not a lack of feelings but just a desire to be more on her own (though I only saw her 2X a week). I tried calling her, she hung up on me. I lost it and text messaged her "tell me the truth or I'll tell your ex about me because you did not." I got no response. I had a right to be pissed, but felt bad because the FU email and blackmail text were too aggressive, manipulative, and borderline abusive. That is unlike me. Usually I am assertive. I really felt bad about acting this way. I will see many of her friends each weekend (though not her) and feel like I messed up in being so aggressive and manipulative, like I crossed the boundary into pyscho-ex territory. Really, I was just pissed as hell and thought she left me to go back to her ex, but she didn't actually do that. She has caused me a lot of anguish and really hurt me and I could not understand her reasons behind the breakup, specifically her persistence in them when I called them as BS 2-3 times. She kept claiming she did have loving feelings for me (which is totally unfair to say when you break up with someone). I sent her an apology saying I was wrong to harp on her using the strong words I chose and to insinuate a blackmail, that I was not going to do it and it was a weak moment due to a painful reaction. I haven't heard back. I'm condensing a lot of information here and it is brief despite the length so . I'm struggling to move on as it is and now feel like I did something wrong due to my outburst. Telling someone "it's pathetic how selfish and passive you are" and then saying "I'll tell your ex about me if you don't tell me the truth" is just mean (and WEAK) in my opinion. I feel really bad though I know I have a right to be furious. I'm really worried about seeing her friends because they don't know my pain. They don't know my perception of the breakup. But they probably do know I flipped out and became "pyscho ex" though I did offer a sincere apology. I guess this is why you should stick to NC. My emotions are all over the place and I feel like I am back to day 1 in terms of the breakup.
Guest Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I know this isn't what you wanna hear but this has classic rebound relationship on her part written all over it. Chalk it up to a lesson learned.
loveratud Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I went through basically the same breakup. After 5 months together, she said she still loved me, but needed time and space to be on her own, find herself, etc. Also a girl who's been in relationships basically forever, and never single. I didn't do any of the explosive things you did though. I do hope to get her back some day. I find it unabashedly cruel for her to propose you be friends with benefits. I know the girl who broke up with me wants that kind of relationship with me, but she would never ask for it. I mean, how could she? Knowing you're still in love.... I'm at a loss for words. I'm sorry for you man. Wish I had some advice. I'd just stick to NC and think that you're better off without her.
Author oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 How would you have coped if you learned her ex proposed to her while you were visiting family over Christmas, and she didn't tell you about it? I would like her back but I think I exploded that way to ensure the bridge was burned because I was too hurt. I also don't believe in going back to someone unless there has been time and change. It think it is incredibly cruel to persist you have feelings for someone but break up with them and keep them at arms length until you figure out what you want. You can't do that to someone. It is the most selfish thing you can do. Outright asking for friends with benefits when you hurt someone is weak. It is mean. I was in that situation, furious with her. Then I found out about her ex laying **** on the table and essentially proposing to her (second hand info) when I wasn't around. I consider that emotional infidelity, cheating, even if she said no, because that is such a big event in my gf's life that it should have been shared.
Rooster_DAR Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 They have somebody else in the works, that's what their vague messages to you mean.
Author oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 Right Rooster_Dar, and they want to keep you at arms length while they figure it out. In my case it probably was my ex's ex. She told a mutual friend he was not the reason for the break up, and I don't think they are back together, but I think she wanted space to think about what she wanted. That is unacceptable to me so I burned the bridge.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 There were a lot of mistakes made -- yes breaking NC For instance one of the basic rules for ANY relationship is don't talk to her friends about her even if they bring her up (you switch the subject like you don't care). The unfortunate ensuing events are what happens. It just adds salt to the wound and it is tortuous to say the least. On her side, if she hears you are talking about her all the time and asking about what she is doing, etc., it leads her to lose respect for you because it is a weak and desperate move. Sorry you're going through this I know it sucks but it should serve as a warning not to get too deep with someone who has been in a relationship for SO LONG. That should be slow for both parties sakes as you are always in danger of being a rebound relationship or getting the "not ready for a relationship" speech.
Rooster_DAR Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 When the words: "I need my space" "It's not you, it's me" "I love you, but not in love with you" ....many more are spoken you can best bet someone else is in the picture. Most of the time this is the case, so much so the few that don't fit this scenario are mute. Best thing to do when you hear these words is accept your relationship is over, and don't put up with any BS the person is giving you. If your married, start getting yourself into a position to protect your assetts. Don't negotiate any kind of temporary seperation, don't let them make you hang on in hopes by begging for them not to leave. Get tough, and start thinking about yourself, in the end you will still have your diginity and don't let them take that from you.
Author oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 There were a lot of mistakes made -- yes breaking NC For instance one of the basic rules for ANY relationship is don't talk to her friends about her even if they bring her up (you switch the subject like you don't care). The unfortunate ensuing events are what happens. It just adds salt to the wound and it is tortuous to say the least. On her side, if she hears you are talking about her all the time and asking about what she is doing, etc., it leads her to lose respect for you because it is a weak and desperate move. Sorry you're going through this I know it sucks but it should serve as a warning not to get too deep with someone who has been in a relationship for SO LONG. That should be slow for both parties sakes as you are always in danger of being a rebound relationship or getting the "not ready for a relationship" speech. I am making lot's of mistakes. Though I didn't ask about her directly before, and her friend brought it up, yes, I should have changed the subject. Another mistake: emailing her friend asking him to make sure she my apology was conveyed to her, since she didn't acknowledge the one I sent. This just makes me look weak and desperate. I know this and feel terrible about myself for acting this way. I feel embarrassed. And I will have to see some of her friends this weekend and I am going to look like weak sauce. I tossed my compassion out the window and am acting all around irrational. That is why I am ashamed. I acted desperate and weak and now I have to face it before her friends. Normally, I am very strong. I feel like I've made a half dozen mistakes all this weak and all respect for me will have been lost. I know I need to have some compassion for myself but this is really tough for me. I feel so irrational what I think is a great idea, in hindsight is ridiculously weak.
Island Girl Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 So now you know -- People learn lessons, and sometimes they are very tough ones, about what not to do in relationships. Great rule - do not talk about ex boyfriends or girlfriends. Another one - do not sacrifice your own self-respect for another. You acted desperate and weak but that doesn't mean you ARE desperate and weak. It was momentary. You have nothing to apologize for anymore. If you face her friends hold your head high. Act like yourself -- even if it is an act entirely. Look, no one really knows what happened between the two of you except the two of you. If they want to judge, let them. Walk away from this whole mess as lessons learned and move on. Don't beat yourself up. Just remember you never want to feel like this again so don't make the same mistakes again. NC is to make sure these horrible things don't happen. When you haven't given yourself time to get perspective from being broken up with these kinds of actions are more often the norm than not and there are varying degrees. Trust me - yours seem tame compared to some I know of. NC allows them to feel what it is like when you are gone - completely gone. Let them think about what kind of a decision they made and deal with the inevitable second thoughts. How can they miss you if you keep popping up every where and every so often, right? And without NC how can you truly get yourself back on track and not act on those seemingly great ideas that are wrought with irrational emotion? With the way you are thinking, it will probably NEVER happen again. That is better than most who lament the results of their actions instead of the actions themselves.
Author oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 You are right. I didn't do anything terribly wrong. I had a right to be outraged when I found out painful information but now I know not to suppress that outrage, but to redirect it differently. Even the most strong people will flip out and act a way they wish they had not at least once in their lives. What is important is recognizing when it happens, recognizing what you did was undesirable (as in thinking "it would be nice if I hadn't done that but it is not the end of the world and it is out of my control"), and not repeating the same pattern of mistake. She has caused me way more anguish than whatever discomfort I've given her, so there is no reason to causes myself additional anguish. Hold my head high and say "I'd rather not talk about it. What's done is done, I am sorry, but I was pissed, and it's time for both of us to move on."
lindya Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 That is why I am ashamed. I acted desperate and weak and now I have to face it before her friends. Normally, I am very strong. I feel like I've made a half dozen mistakes all this weak and all respect for me will have been lost. I know I need to have some compassion for myself but this is really tough for me. I feel so irrational what I think is a great idea, in hindsight is ridiculously weak. Love/life going wrong can make people f*ck up and embarrass themselves in all kinds of ways; far, far more than you just did. Leave it behind, and don't stress out wondering how you can win back the respect of those people. If they want to like and respect you they will - and if not, there's nothing you can do about it. Given that she invited you to go out with her and her friends, it sounds as though they don't have the bad opinion of you that you seem to be worrying about. It's a huge deal to you, but to them it's just a friend's romantic drama - and may well be one they haven't formed particularly strong opinions about either way.
Author oppath Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 Thanks for that last post, it really lifted my spirits! Her friends had a HIGH opinion of me, which is why I learned of things to begin with. Did I react too strongly? Yep. Am I sorry? Yep. Is that all that matters? Yep. If they've lost respect for me, or she has lost respect for me, it doesn't really matter because they aren't going to be focal points in my life. Any discomfort or bad feelings I have caused her are certainly less than the confusion, pain, and anguish she has caused me. I don't have to worry about this any more.
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