Fear of "Being Single"

[puddleofmud]

I am curious (and this is also about how I feel these days) and so I have a question:

I keep reading over and over (and some times inferring) about how persons are fearful of leaving their relationships (being that some are very bad ones: married w/ affairs, single w/ affairs, emotional affairs or all types of unhappiness in a R or feeling that one is "less" if one is not in an R, etc) due to the singular fear of being "single--alone".

I am not speaking of those who have been in long term good marriages and choose to stay within them because of a "bump" in the road, so to speak.

I am speaking of those who choose not to leave/ change due to fear of being "alone" and choose to be with someone even despite being "without" the genuine companionship being with another should offer.

OR those who seem to think that just "hooking" up is better than being without "someone" or that having someone (else) is the foremost or perhaps the ONLY or more important panacea.

I am happily single, and just happy for the most part whether I am involved with another or just "single".

I do not value myself one way or another: either I am involved or I am NOT: either way I am still just me, nothing changes that.

Not that I have not or do not feel incredibly alone, lonely or blatantly sex starved!

I feel all those things and more. I do often feel afraid that perhaps I will never find a certain someone. Then, again, I don't feel particulary worried about it, either.

I am not worried about being at home with a good book or whatever makes ME happy above being concerned that MEN are the do and be all.

I am not jaded nor embittered and I don't take much comfort when persons say "there is someone out there for you!" as if that is all my life should be about.

Nor do I need anyone to tell me to go out and have fun--I AM fun, no matter what I do. I crack ME up no matter whom I am with.

Maybe at some point I will find a sex-starved man who loves to read or just a few who would like to "date", kick my books off the bed and do the dirty thang.

If not, I am not terminally ill. Just seemingly terminally without sex! Aaack! Having been single for most of my adult life it hasn't killed me.

Never the less, WHY is it that having a partner and being in love or maybe just FEELING that one is in love is all that life is? or the immediate defining factor?

What is wrong w/ being alone?

Is there a stigma about a woman who is without a man? Is one less valuable without a man in the picture? Is one to be pitied? Is one considered inept?

Is one considered less attractive if one is not "attached"?

Does one feel less than a person w/out the intensity of being in love?

Can one be a whole person without another? Can one survive on own's own steam?

And more, yet, is a woman who is alone to be considered a target, as a desparate lonely female about whom a man can manipulate (I've been THERE more than once).

Or all we all just lost little souls until we find the lid that fits our pot?

So many feel so angry about NOT having the love they wish, but are not willing to be on their own in order to love themselves and wait it out.

Is that easier? Probably from some stand-point, but is it BETTER?

Do we tend to super-impose desire over what is best?

Do we just tend to seek immediate gratification to fulfill our desires and then decide that is "love" just because we wish it were?

I don't have any answers, but I am curious and would like some insight about why we often feel it is more valuable to be WITH someone and are so fearful of being just, well, SINGLE...

[magichands]

, but I am curious and would like some insight about why we often feel it is more valuable to be WITH someone and are so fearful of being just, well, SINGLE...

Society dictates that you are more valuable if you have a partner.

 

Secondly, there is a "shelf life" on looks. Society puts huge emphasis on appearance. Just a generalisation, but generalisations are best for explaining trends.

[cbl]

I don't have any answers, but I am curious and would like some insight about why we often feel it is more valuable to be WITH someone and are so fearful of being just, well, SINGLE...

 

what makes you say that? when you say "valuable", do you look at it from a self-worth perspectives of each individual or from a society's view point like the other poster is looking at? IMO, each and everyone is equally valuable, whether he's less affluent, older, taller, balder, or thinner. one is who he values himself.

 

i think in general people have this resistance to change. thinking about changing something dramatic - changing a career path at the age of 45, moving to an overseas country knowing no one and speaking a different language which one just picks up at the age of 40.... h*ll it's just darn scary.

 

at the age of 35 myself, i would be scared to death, if someone asks me to marry him tomorrow. i am way too comfortable being alone. i don't want to sacrifice my time for yoga in the evening just because he wants to have some impulsive intimate time together (just an example but nothing wrong and as a matter of fact it's great to have impulsive intimate time together)

[pureinheart]

What a wonderful thread Puddle! I have been thinking and "preaching" these ideas to my friends....what is soooo bad about being single?????

 

Not realizing it in the past, the fact that I did not want to be without a relationship, got myself into so much mess....the price I paid for this behavioral disability...I just couldn't see past my own issues to notice that the men I chose were not right for me.

 

Sometimes we don't know that we are desparate, it's so well hidden behind the self talk that is very deceiving.

 

I am waiting for the right man....and during this wait will enjoy freedom.....

 

I think it is better to be single than be in a bad relationship...actually single isn't that bad!

[BenThereDunThat]

I'm probably not in a good mindset to reply to this post right now, but so what, I'm doing it anyway.

 

I've always told myself that I'm just fine being single, thank you very much. And for the most part, I am. I've always been independent by nature. I bought a house by myself. I've only accepted financial help from my parents when I absolutely needed it. Which was only once, maybe twice, and I promptly paid them back.

 

Except for about a year when I first moved out of my parent's house, I've always lived alone. And love it. I never lived with a guy until my ex-husband came along - I was 35 at the time he moved in with me.

 

I'm by no means homely - I won't be running for Ms. America anytime soon either though. If I put myself 'out there' more, I'm sure I would never lack for dates.

 

All this has left me struggling with WHY I got married when I did. The guy did coke, was not at all ambitious, so unlike me in so many ways. I KNEW I didn't love him the way you're supposed to love the person you choose to marry.

 

THEN I went and stupidly got involved with exMM...Mind you, I am the one who wised up and ended both of these toxic relationships.

 

So, try and figure that all out. I have no problem being single, but in the last 2 years made two huge mistakes concerning men.

 

I think I'm just tired. I feel like I'm giving up on myself and just searching for someone to lean on. Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions of settling ever again and am quite prepared to stay single the rest of my life if I have to to make sure I never make another mistake with a man again.

[magichands]

Don't get me wrong, I have no intentions of settling ever again and am quite prepared to stay single the rest of my life if I have to to make sure I never make another mistake with a man again.

Men are just big dicks. If you're lucky.

[BenThereDunThat]

Men are just big dicks. If you're lucky.

 

I've never been a man hater, but I'm starting to think they are all just big dicks!

 

The time to find a decent one would have been in my early 20's. Too bad I was too emotionally immature back then.

 

Oh well, time to get to the nearest animal shelter and start my cat hoording phase...

[kymberann]

Good Post!

Even when I was w/MM I was "single"! THe worst is when you are married and you feel like the lonliest person in the world! I'd rather be single than feel like that!

Currently there are four different men who are interested in me in one way or another and I'm still single!

Either way you look at it being single or married has its stereotypes. It all has to do with one's perspective of the situation and how much they are willing to put them selves out there (in a healthy manner!)

I don't like this playing the field bit, I'd rather focus my time and energy into one relationship that is worth it than be out on the marriage market.

I find the older a person becomes the harder it is to "find" someone who is relatively companionable, even though being single seems to be the "in" thing to do right now.

I enjoy being single, but the time and effort of dating and having to play those get to know you games gets old!

[Ripples]

What a great topic, PoM.

 

Single malt - so much better, in every way, than blended.

Single ticket - no return, leaving the past behind, off to adventures new

Single handed - Independent, capable and resourceful

 

It's a nuisance that 'being' single doesn't have the connotations of the above. Maybe it's time to change that?

[bluetuesday]

great post.

 

1. i think that for some people, life is scary and they don't want to face it alone. they don't have answers to the big questions so they believe (perhaps subconsciously) that having someone by their side will make life less scary.

 

2. for other people, they believe happiness is something that comes when you have the right man, the right home, the right kids. they feel unhappy (or at least lacking something) alone, so they look for an external 'possession' for want of a better word, to make them complete.

 

3. there are also people who think partnering up is the way to go because they see other people doing it and they want to fit in. they believe it will make them normal.

 

4. and some people fall in love for the right reasons. because they meet someone they never want to be parted from because they're adorable and funny and kind and clever. they're together solely because they love the other person and not through any lack in themselves or any desire to fit in.

 

in order to be genuinely happy single, you need to have seen through the illusion behind the first three reasons.

 

the reason most people who are single feel like outcasts is that most of the people in the world have not seen through the illusion behind the first three reasons, and you having done so is a threat to them.

 

many, many people (not all of them with partners either) have accused me of lying when i tell them i'm happy being single. they think i cannot possibly be happy alone and have somehow pushed my true unhappiness into my subconsciousness from where it will one day rise up and bite me. they think i am a man-hater, have been burned so badly i'm now afraid to love, or have some deficiency which makes me cold and unfeeling. none of these things are true.

 

i have found the truth to be that other people are unhappy about my singleness because it is a threat to their belief that people cannot be happy and whole without a partner. i cannot be bought by the idea of coupledom for coupledom's sake, and it bothers them.

 

there is only one great reason for being in a relationship. it is that you love the other person more than you need them. those people who stay in unhappy relationships or go from one person to the next just to be with someone don't like my choice because i am proof there is another way, and they don't want there to be another way. they want to remain blind to the fact that being single is just as valid as being in a couple. because while they remain blind to that, they won't have to face up to being hoodwinked by one of the three illusions i mentioned.

 

i can think of no other reason people would be generally pitying towards single people, look down on them, consider them unattractive, cold or odd, other than singledom threatens them. and the only way it could possible threaten someone is if it serves to highlight that being in a relationship ISN'T the only viable way to live.

 

good luck to you. i hope you find someone for all the right reasons, if that's your choice.

[kymberann]

Blue Tues,

That is a great reflection about life in general! Being lonely and alone are two different scenerios. I am certainly OK with being alone. But it took me awhile to get there. I think when we are single we are forced to look and deal with ourselves more introspectively. And that's a scary concept. That is why I think some rush into Rs just for the sake of not having to focus on oneself. I for one can handle criticism, constructive mind you, much better from other people than from my own inner thoughts and dialogue. I can be pretty judgemental and harsh on myself, but I am working on turning that around, it just takes time.

 

I want #4 and I am not willing to compromise just to be with someone!!

[Woggle]

I have no issue at all with being single even though I am happily married. It gives me insurance that if my wife acts up I can leave her and be happy. If my marriage ever gets to the point where being single will be better I am out of here. Learning to be happy by yourself actually helps a person find a much better relationship.

[addicted2love]

For myself being single and independent is something I know I could do without a problem. Infact I sometimes fantasize about it! I wish I had a dollar for every time I've thought "If I'm going to do everything by myself I might as well be by myself." That has been almost a daily thought through out the last 5 years of my marriage. But when I consider being a single "parent" it's a whole different thing.

 

If all I had to consider was myself I would have been out the door a long time ago. But I've got a child to consider and I don't have the heart to rip her world apart and give her two part time parents. She's an only child and so was I when my parents divorced at her age. It's a lonely existence for a child. I hated feeling like I was bounced back and forth between parents, grandparents, aunts, cousins etc. My mother felt she "needed" to be single again. I watched my father date many many women and finally settle on one that was 14 years younger than him.

 

I watched my mother do the same but her choices in men were never the calaber of person my father is. She lowered her standards and had "fun".

 

Not that I would ever be like my mother...but I also would never want my child to view me the same way I view my mother.

 

Also I think it would just kill me for my child to have a "stepmom". I just don't want to deal with that.

 

So if it was only myself I had to consider I'd more than likely be a single woman today. But it's not all about me. I guess that's why so many people "stay for the kids."

[ratingsguy]

As I get older, I see friends around me get engaged, which leads to marriage, which leads to a new home, which leads to kids... and the process goes on. In the meantime, I'm sitting here 31 and single. Would I like to be in their shoes? Absolutely... because that's the person I am... I want nothing more in life than to be in a successful R. That's what I want... material possessions mean little to me. That being said, I will not get myself in the above situation my friends have just for the sake of doing it. That is not to say that they are not happy. Some of them are and some aren't.

 

There are young women out there (and some young men) who are so focused on dreams of the white picket fence, that they don't stop to look at the person they've chosen to live behind that fence with them. At 31, I can say that I'm mature enough to know what I want out of life. I'm also mature enough to realize that some things in life are worth waiting for. We live in a society of everything being "instant". During my 20s, my time spent single and in a R were about 50/50. I learned a lot experiencing both lifestyles, enough to make me very happy that I'm one of the last people in my circle of friends who has yet to settle down. Again, not because I'm opposed to settling down, but rather because now I can make a much more calculated judgement with a potential mate as opposed to 10 years ago. Feelings of loneliness will never be trumped by the immediate gratification of being able to say I have a GF. These things take time.

[Curmudgeon]

I was "afraid" to be alone. My former marriage turned lousy and the ex helped ensure that my confidence level was low when it came to my looks, actions, approaches, etc. I'm not blaming her because I should have had the strength to refute and reject the negative things she said about me but I became confrontation adverse and decided that this was the best I could do for a relationship and hung-in there. After 25 years of marriage and a bunch of children the prospect of being single and alone was fearsome.

 

Suddenly I was, divorced, single and alone. I actually enjoyed it thoroughly. By choice I lived like a monk, worked on fixing things about me that needed it, really started liking myself and actually enjoyed my own company.

 

The real beauty of it where I was concerned was that there was no one I had to answer to but myself and no ones expectations I hadf to live up to but mine. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted or not at all if that suited me. I could go where I wanted when I wanted or not if I didn't choose to. My life, uncluttered and unfettered by the proximity of another was calm, peaceful and satisfying. Better yet, women were showing a significant amount of interest in me and that was not just good for the ego but also gave ready lie to what the ex had been convincing me about myself.

 

Interesting enough, one of the ex's parting shots was, "I'll get remarried because I need someone to love. You'll get remarried because you need someone to take care of you!" Au contraire. She had already had a boyfriend in the wings and moved him in with her and my two minor daughters when we separated. I stayed totally alone for two years and reveled in it. Wonder what would have happened if she'd tried loving me while we were married. Oh well! It doesn't really matter now.

 

I think I could have been perfectly happy staying single, dating on occasion and continuing with my peaceful life. I really did like the solitude and lack of demands upon me and my time. However, I fell in love and married. Thankfully, my wife is not intrusive and is perfectly happy to let me be myself. She also brings out the best in me and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her. It's all good!

[jasmine32]

I am happily married, but I was single for a long time and had a marvelous time. But being in a steady and good relationship is the best thing in the world. It fills you with love and happiness.