MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I'm not even sure I want to talk things through with him. I have posted pretty much all the issues on other posts here. To sum it up: -He is messy (lazy with cleaning up his house) -He smokes (quit once when we started dating) -No flowers in 9 months of dating -Complains alot about everything, especially when asked to do favors for anyone (like a ride to the airport, or picking someone up at their house that may be only a half mile out of his way) -I drive 40 min alot to his place but he complains when he as to make the trek out here. -He doesn't seem into my kids, he tolerates them. I don't feel as close to him as I would like to at this stage. We love each other, and say it often, but it's not that "feel it when you gaze into each other's eyes" kind of love. I think it is time. Alot of the points have been brought up at one time or another. Nothing was talked about as a relationship-breaker though, so now he is going to wonder why I'm breaking up now. I guess I just don't see us growing any closer with all these things hanging in the air. Why hang on any longer, even though there are some things between us that are good such as the sex, alot of affection, we don't fight (but I never fought with my ex-H and look at us now). I'm not perfect, but I am thinking we are not perfect for each other. I noticed I complain more often now, so maybe I feed off his negativity. So, okay, how do I do this? Do I give him his Valentines card that says I love you and then break up with him?! The card is kind of being hopeful that I will feel different a week from now I guess. Ugh...this is the same weekend his wife left him ten yrs ago. I can tough it out for a few more weeks I guess, but any suggestions?
Adrenaline Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 I am new here so I have not read your previous posts. But I take it you let him know you don't like the things you have listed? Most of us don't pay attention to ourselves because we are too busy observing the world around us. Sometimes we get so caught up with these outside sources that we don't pay attention to our actions. So it's good to let each other know the negative affects that we endorse on one another. Keep in mind though, you can't change him unless he wants to change. If he does not want to, don't force him. Do what you think is right. Don't fall into a trap and continue because you don't want to "hurt" him. Tell him what is on your mind and not what he wants to hear.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 10, 2007 Author Posted February 10, 2007 Yeah thanks. That's the thing, most of what I listed are things that revolve around his character, and I don't expect him to change who he is. He has made the comment that he is a non-conformist. I laughed then... I think with the flowers issue, and yes it's a big deal to me, he is sort of like my ex, in that he won't do something specifically because he knows it's what I want/expect. I have brought up all the issues at one time or another, some a bit more subtlely such as when I had dinner on a Monday at his place, and started to clean up, he said he would do it later and that he had to unload the dishwasher first. So we relaxed. Well, Friday I was there again, clean dishes STILL in the DW and dirty dishes from Monday still on the counter. I was so grossed out and said "you couldn't find ten minutes since Monday to do these dishes?". He replied with something like "get off my case" but jokingly. I'm not his mother so I didn't press the issue. I cleaned his bathrooms last October. He hasn't since. I hounded him to throw my bath towel in the laundry next time he does laundry. I am sure I was using the same towel for 3 months! ick! He doesn't have kids and comes from a twice-divorced dad, so I do understand that his relationship with my kids will take lots of work, so it's not a huge issue, but in the long term it could be. His house is in disrepair. He doesn't have the money to fix it but he could do little things like paint, fix the walls, wash windows to make it look better. I have my own house to clean, and I'm not going to be his maid. I can never see myself living with him. I will miss his affection though, and he was one of those guys who CALLS. He can fix stuff, but only stuff he wants to fix, like his truck. Anyway, I think I have my mind made up, I just don't know when to do this. I think I will just tell him we need to talk, and make the conversation flow around "this relationship isn't growing, and I am holding back because of some things (see above) and don't expect you to change who you are, but we are not right for each other, and I am sorry it took 9 months to figure this out but we did rush into this, and probably should have gotten to know each other better first..." I dunno. He seems like the type who will want a reason, rather than just accept that it's over. Well, I needed to get that off my chest. It will be very hard. He is likable, I like his friends, I'll miss him. I don't think it would really work out to stay friends, we would never see each other anyway, as it is now we both have to make a 40 minute trek and well, why would I if we aren't dating? Any other suggestions?
Adrenaline Posted February 10, 2007 Posted February 10, 2007 Have you tried staying apart from each other? Instead of breaking it off right away, see how it feels not being around him. I had a relationship VERY close to yours and it lasted little over 8 months. The only difference was it was a female and she broke up with me in order to save me from herself. I wanted to end it, but like you I did not know how when for the most part everything was well. The truth was I fell in love for the wrong reasons; mostly sex.
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