Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 SALICIOUS-HOW CAN YOU "KNOW IT ALL" THE ANSWERS? WHAT MAKES U SO SURE THAT HER HUBBY WOULD WANT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE? LIKE I SAID, IN MY OPINION, KISSING IN OF ITSELF DOES NOT DEFINE 100% CHEATING LIKE COMMITTING ADULTERY WOULD AND SHE'S ALREADY INFORMED HER S/O OF HER DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION TO OTHER MEN, AND HE STILL CHOOSES TO STAY, THEN THAT WOULD CONFIRM WHAT MY PREVIOUS POST: IT DEPENS ON WHO U R AND WHO U'RE DOING IT TO. IF HER S/O DIDN'T SEE FIT FOR HIM TO LEAVE, THEN WHY SHOULD SHE? WHAT WOULD HER LEAVING ACCOMPLISH IF HE CHOSES TO TOLERATE IT? GEEZ, GIMME A BREAK....SO QUICK TO VOICE WHAT ONE SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO...BUT U NEED TO STOP AND CONSIDER IF THAT'S WHAT THE PARTIES INVOLVE WANTS TO DO AS WELL! NOT EVERYONE VIEWS CHEATING IN THE SAME CATEGORIES AS U DO!!! If both parties know what they want to do and know what they are going to do...then what the hell is she here for? Think woman...think!!!
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 SALICIOUS-HOW CAN YOU "KNOW IT ALL" THE ANSWERS? WHAT MAKES U SO SURE THAT HER HUBBY WOULD WANT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE? LIKE I SAID, IN MY OPINION, KISSING IN OF ITSELF DOES NOT DEFINE 100% CHEATING LIKE COMMITTING ADULTERY WOULD AND SHE'S ALREADY INFORMED HER S/O OF HER DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION TO OTHER MEN, AND HE STILL CHOOSES TO STAY, THEN THAT WOULD CONFIRM WHAT MY PREVIOUS POST: IT DEPENS ON WHO U R AND WHO U'RE DOING IT TO. IF HER S/O DIDN'T SEE FIT FOR HIM TO LEAVE, THEN WHY SHOULD SHE? WHAT WOULD HER LEAVING ACCOMPLISH IF HE CHOSES TO TOLERATE IT? GEEZ, GIMME A BREAK....SO QUICK TO VOICE WHAT ONE SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO...BUT U NEED TO STOP AND CONSIDER IF THAT'S WHAT THE PARTIES INVOLVE WANTS TO DO AS WELL! NOT EVERYONE VIEWS CHEATING IN THE SAME CATEGORIES AS U DO!!! Besides...did you not read her story? She is only worried about losing her happy home. She WANTS other guys. Don't get mad at me because she was honest about what she wanted. I suspect that you are the same as her which is why you put on the caps. You think that if in a committed relationship that kissing someone else and being in their arms is ok.....you said you wouldn't feel any guilt about it. So sorry if I don't agree with your twisted idea of the way things should be. I can only hope that someone in your life goes out on you and seeks the attention of other women because...after all....you see nothing wrong with it.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 I don't know what the solution is, but this is the description of your problem. You haven't elaborated it so I will go with what you worte. rankly, I doubt that your husband is so great. I bet you've had lots of ups and downs or you wouldn't be cheating on him. Have you slept with any of these guys? Ah here we go again...blame the victim.
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 RecordProducer, You nailed it on the head. I didn't realize that we had become roommates. But yes that pretty much sums it up. I wouldn't even say we are that great of friends. We don't really laugh all that much and don't talk about anything but the kids and the bills. Hell, we don't laugh at all! But that is what scares me the most. I am talking to a man (the guy I cheated with)that I seem to like. But we don't pay bills together or raise children together. So when and if we start, will the same problems occur with him? It scares me because I don't want to be that girl that isn't satisfied and moves from one man to the next. Yet I want to be happy. Yes we have had our ups and downs, big time. We haven't been happy for awhile, but we are holding on to our marriage. I'm not sure that we aren't codependant upon one another. Truthfully, I am scared to death to lose him because yes I would be losing my security, safety and hurting my children. He is a great guy. But like all people, he has his flaws. He is a compulsive liar and there is no trust in our relationship. Not just cuz I cheated, but because of his lies and sneakiness. That seems to run in his family, so who knows. I used to care and worry about what he was doing and try and catch him in his lies. Almost to the point of being that controlling wife. But now, I could care less. And he has realized that and is trying to be more trustful. But almost, a little too late. Sorry to keep boring you with all these details, just thought I would give you some more insight into our marriage. And to your question, No I don't sleep with these guys. There has only been 2, not that I am minimizing it. I am friends with both of these guys. The first one, I was drunk and kissed him. Nothing more. The second, we went out and had a blast (pry the most fun I've had in a really really long time) and I stayed at his house. We kissed, cuddled and that was it.
JackJack Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 So when and if we start, will the same problems occur with him? Yes, because even though the grass looks greener on the other side, it still has to be maintained. Kept up, mowed, however people say it or look at it. It all means the same.
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 Even though there may be a better connection, better friendship? More compatibility?
JackJack Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Even though there may be a better connection, better friendship? More compatibility? Right now, especially if this is a new relationship, these are thing good things you will see right now. Think back to a time when you dated your husband or even as far back as dating soemone from school. When you first got to know that person, you liked them, becasue they were sweet, they understood you, they were loving/caring, could relate to you or whatever the deal was etc etc. But didn't there come a time at some point when after that newness wore off, that you hit a bump in the road? Problems of whatever kind began? The same type of thing with this other guy. Even if you ended up with him, at some point a problem will occur might be a complelty different problem than you are experinceing with your husband, now will you work on it and get through it or will you bail and see someone else becasue you do not want to or know how to deal with things when there is a problem?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 RecordProducer, You nailed it on the head. I didn't realize that we had become roommates. But yes that pretty much sums it up. I wouldn't even say we are that great of friends. Well there you go then. You can't have your cake and eat it too....not without being completely selfish in the process. you have 2 choices. 1) Stay in the marriage for your financial security and for the kids and be unhappy because you want to be with other men OR 2) Divorce him so you can be happy with other men and quit stringing him along so he can get on with his life. I know you said he wants to stay with the marriage...but how do you think he'd feel if you told him the truth?..that you don't love him anymore, don't want to be with him...and would rather be with other men? If he still wants to be with you at that point...then it is probably for the kids. But if you stay in the marriage...then your just going to have to suck it up and concentrate on being a mother and a wife.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 And to your question, No I don't sleep with these guys. There has only been 2, not that I am minimizing it. I am friends with both of these guys. The first one, I was drunk and kissed him. Nothing more. The second, we went out and had a blast (pry the most fun I've had in a really really long time) and I stayed at his house. We kissed, cuddled and that was it. mmm..hmmm....I'm sure that was all there was to it....
MySugaree Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Affairs take place in a bubble: you don't see your lover take out the trash, change diapers and do all the boring mundane things that everyday life demands. So there's an unreality to many an Affair, which some burdened wives, fathers, husbands and mothers find very attractive. An Affair is the ultimate get-a-way from the daily grind. This "vacation" from daily living, when coupled with hot Affair sex that dwarfs the routine spousal sex, makes extra-marital flings so attractive to so many otherwise law abiding citizens. Ask yourself if it's really your husband that's driving you into the arms of other men or is it this particular time of your life, which will pass. You don't want to wake-up one morning in some new guy's arms and exclaim, "What the f#ck did I just do?!"
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 MySugaree, I am laughing out loud right now. You couldn't of said it better!! Because that is what I am worried about, waking up someday and saying "what the **** did I just do"? I think that is the main reason for not leaving, is cuz I am hoping this is a phase that will pass. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but is it really this freaking boring???? And to Salicious Crumb--- YES THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENED!!!! Judge away, but judge for what I have done, not for what you think I have done.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 MySugaree, I am laughing out loud right now. You couldn't of said it better!! Because that is what I am worried about, waking up someday and saying "what the **** did I just do"? I think that is the main reason for not leaving, is cuz I am hoping this is a phase that will pass. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, but is it really this freaking boring???? And to Salicious Crumb--- YES THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENED!!!! Judge away, but judge for what I have done, not for what you think I have done. I'll judge based on what you said...and you already said you are bored with your husband and don't think you love him any longer. You also said you are staying purely because of security which means it isn't fair to him. Bottom line....you need to do right by him and not string him along for your selfish reasons.
RecordProducer Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 He is a great guy. What is great about him? Can you write a list (not for us, but for yourself)? Then write a list of his flaws. Then write a list of the things you want in a man. He is a compulsive liar and there is no trust in our relationship. Not just cuz I cheated, but because of his lies and sneakiness. That seems to run in his family, so who knows. I used to care and worry about what he was doing and try and catch him in his lies. Almost to the point of being that controlling wife. But now, I could care less. And he has realized that and is trying to be more trustful. But almost, a little too late. When there's a constant source of suffering in a relationship, we first desperately fight it and live in denial that it will go away. We discover irreconcileable differences: lack of trust (affection, sex, common interests, understanding, etc), intellectual incompatibility or whatever. You keep trying in the right way or the worng way, but you see no result. There is so much the human heart can take. Then it withdraws from the battle filed and finds peace in emotional detachment. Then we accept the reality and find ways to escape from it. Being indifferent toward the problem becomes easier than building the tower of sand over and over again just to see it fall down every time. Finally, we are over our partner and ready to move on. But officially we are still married. Unofficially, we are afraid to abandon everything and start from a scratch. So fantasy becomes a big part of our life. An affair is a part of that fantasy.
MySugaree Posted February 14, 2007 Posted February 14, 2007 There is so much the human heart can take... . Being indifferent toward the problem becomes easier than building the tower of sand over and over again just to see it fall down every time. Finally, we are over our partner and ready to move on. But officially we are still married. Unofficially, we are afraid to abandon everything and start from a scratch. So fantasy becomes a big part of our life. An affair is a part of that fantasy. Well said, RP. Well said.
Guest Posted February 20, 2007 Posted February 20, 2007 Confused Mama. I am with you except I have done worse. I also married my best friend who is now turned into a roommate. Unfortunately it took me 7 years and 4 kids to realize this. He is a good person and a good dad and a good provider. It is just loveless. There is love in the house just not that "in love" feeling. For the past 4 months I have been having a relationship with our best friend. It is aweful. Him and his wife are always over and I see them together. No one has a clue. We see each other, alone, maybe once a month but when we do it is great. We talk daily on the phone and he just gives me that smitten feeling. I know it is wrong but like you I don't feel guilty and I think that is what bugs me the most. I can't decide what is best for the kids? Is my happiness worth something for them to learn? Don't you all think it is important for kids to see happiness verses a loveless relationship? My husband tells me everytime we have an argument (which is rare because he doesn't like to talk about feelings) that I don't need to worry because he will never leave. I almost feel trapped. I know that BF will never leave his wife, and I am not sure I would even want that. I think he is great but I can't imagine him living here and helping me raise my kids. When you figure out what us poor mothers are to do I would love to do it.
mrmaximum Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Gang, relatioships take work and comunication. Did I mention that they take work? Gang, I will agree with you that men sometimes take their wives for granted. Yeah, that is a well known fact and I wish more guys learned this and understood the situaiton. Here is the deal though, women nowadays seem to think that a long term relationship is supposed to be an eternal date! That just doesn't exist gang!! Sure you may say that there is a 'better connection' and a better whatever and you get all those warm fuzzies with that new hunky guy. You got those very same feelings when you met your hubbies too. That's called Novelty and you guys are confusing that with 'finding the ONE!" You dump your hubby for this sort of thing, and you will wind up right back in that very same situation just a few years hence. Novelty wears off, NOW the work begins!! Am I saying that the husband is blameless in letting his part of the relationship fizzle? Not saying that at all, but what has to be understood here is that if there is an issue, your marriage certificate is not going to grab you and your spouse by the hands and sit you guys down and make you talk, YOU have to do that yourselves. Relationships take work guys, all of them will ebb and flow over time. Remember, all sunshine makes a dessert right. Before anyone cheated, maybe they should have tried talking. If that doesn't work, move out, that should get his attention. If that still doesn't work, then he isn't worth your time, yeah? Just a suggestion!!
Guest Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I have done a lot of thinking since I posted yesterday. Posting was the first time I admitted to what I have done to anyone. I think it really helped. I have realized that you guys are right and I have been selfish and stupid. I don't think coming clean is the answer, he would be devestated. I think he would rather not know. I am going to stop my childish acts and then and only then can I work on my marriage. If it is worth saving we will and if not then I guess we move on from there. But an affair is an ending point, not a starting point. This seems all so weird. Confusedmama...I have a question for you. Are you on any meds, antidepression or anti anxiety? I was on Lexapro for a little more than a year, since the twins were 1. It was helping but I stopped taking it for the last week or so. I needed to feel, something I think the meds kept me from doing. Sure it took a lot to get down but it also took that much to get up. Since I stopped taking it I am starting to feel guilty for what I have done and really living for what I know in my heart is important. Thanks for the help and I will keep you posted
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 21, 2007 Author Posted February 21, 2007 Hello all, I agree that children should not witness this sort of "loveless marriage". I finally sat down with my husband on saturday night and we had a really good long talk. He told me that if i wanted him to move out he would, but he would no longer be my doormat. This really really scared me. He was so serious. We just sat and talked about what each of us were missing from the relationship and what was drawing me to this other man. I can't say for sure that I won't be completely bored for the rest of my life, but for now I think I owe it to my family and my husband to try new things so that we can make our marriage work. I read some very interesting things on the divorce busting website. It says that when parents get divorced and find happiness, the children don't feel the "trickle down effect". And that when you get a divorce, not only are you taking away the parent but you are ending the family forever. Those words really hit me hard. I think I need to put every effort towards trying to make my marriage work. After trying my hardest and nothing changes, then I will know I tried my hardest. I don't think my husband deserves to be cheated on and right now I am trying to find out exactly why I cheated in the first place. If and only if I have given my 100% effort in making my marriage work and it doesn't then I will consider alternatives. But I made myself a promise that if it doesn't work, I must be honest with my husband and seperate/divorce FIRST before ever seeking another man.
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 I can't say for sure that I won't be completely bored for the rest of my life, But, you can't expect your husband to entertain you all the time. You find (HEALTHY)outside interests to keep you busy and happy. Not other men. I am glad to hear that you and your husband talked. It opened the door, and I think if you give him a chance, actually give eachother a chance, it can work.
mrmaximum Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 . but for now I think I owe it to my family and my husband to try new things so that we can make our marriage work. That's the ticket, this is what makes a relationship. What you are talking about is what happens to a lot of people. Others communicate, and that is key. When the relatioship is new, the novelty drives the excitement and you don't have to work at anything really. After that, parental pressures, work stress, bills and the like plus the fact that the novelty is gone can drain your relatioship of it's life. Now it's your jobs (you and your hubby) to make things work, go out on dates, spend some time, all that stuff. If things weren't to be, like you said you have no regrets, but if they do, you will feel a million times better for not taking the quick and easy way out which could easily lead to a terminal pattern in your life. Good Luck and God Bless!!
mrmaximum Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 But, you can't expect your husband to entertain you all the time. You find (HEALTHY)outside interests to keep you busy and happy. Not other men. Very well said.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 But, you can't expect your husband to entertain you all the time. You find (HEALTHY)outside interests to keep you busy and happy. Not other men. . Very well said. Nobody can attend to their SO all the time they think they should. And no SO can be EVERYTHING to them. If people insist that "something is missing" and using that as an excuse or reason for cheating...well then hell....we would all be justified in going out and flogging someone else. What was it Halle Berry said in Boomerang??.."Love should have brought your ass home last night!!"
outofdarkness Posted February 21, 2007 Posted February 21, 2007 Hello all, I agree that children should not witness this sort of "loveless marriage". I finally sat down with my husband on saturday night and we had a really good long talk. He told me that if i wanted him to move out he would, but he would no longer be my doormat. This really really scared me. He was so serious. We just sat and talked about what each of us were missing from the relationship and what was drawing me to this other man. I can't say for sure that I won't be completely bored for the rest of my life, but for now I think I owe it to my family and my husband to try new things so that we can make our marriage work. I read some very interesting things on the divorce busting website. It says that when parents get divorced and find happiness, the children don't feel the "trickle down effect". And that when you get a divorce, not only are you taking away the parent but you are ending the family forever. Those words really hit me hard. I think I need to put every effort towards trying to make my marriage work. After trying my hardest and nothing changes, then I will know I tried my hardest. I don't think my husband deserves to be cheated on and right now I am trying to find out exactly why I cheated in the first place. If and only if I have given my 100% effort in making my marriage work and it doesn't then I will consider alternatives. But I made myself a promise that if it doesn't work, I must be honest with my husband and seperate/divorce FIRST before ever seeking another man. Good 4 you!!!!!
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