LakesideDream Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 This mama isn't confused at all. She started a thread titled "I Can't Stop Cheating" then proceeds to claim she isn't "spreading em". She's out with other men doing whatever she does for the same reason she started the thread. The Drama. I suggest just shutting it down. She's a Troll.
michelangelo Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Um, hello? Kissing and cuddling with men other than your husband is cheating by modern standards. Citing the Biblical definitions of adultery out of context just leads to more confusion. I think the best way to find out if your husband would find it objectional if you kiss and cuddle with other men is to ask him. But I know you won't do that because you already know his reaction. BTW, unless you are kissing your grandfather on his birthday, of course a kiss is a sexual thing. You trying to fool us or yourself?
IslandGirl73 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I Realize Everyone Has Their Own Opinions Of What Really Constitutes As Cheating But I Was Just Saying If You Really Wanted To Clarify Things, Then By Going Strictly Of What The Bible's Standards On What Is Considered Cheating, Then Technically Speaking An Act Of "kissing" Is Not One Of Them. And I Did Not Take It Out Of Context, It Just Clearly States That Adultery Is The Only Grounds For Divorce In God's Eyes...doesn't Mention Kissing, Cuddling Or Anything Else! BUT THEN AGAIN, EVERYONE HAS SET THEIR OWN STANDARDS OF CHEATING THESE DAYS SO IT REALLY DEPENDS ON WHO U ARE DEALING WITH AND WHO U R DOING IT TO...
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 salicious crumb, if you go strictly by what the Bible's definition of cheating is, then technically, "kissing" does not fall under it. I don't go by the bible's definition. Betrayal is betrayal no matter how you slice it. I consider it cheating.
IslandGirl73 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then That Would Be Your Opinion Of Cheating But Doesn't Neccessarily Mean That Your Opinion Is Correct!
mrmaximum Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then That Would Be Your Opinion Of Cheating But Doesn't Neccessarily Mean That Your Opinion Is Correct! I can see where you are coming from in terms of this, as the truth seems to be that all relationships are different and the rules are somewhat set in the formation at the early stages. HOWEVER, since statistically saying, men take infidelity harder than women you are going to be hard pressed to find a man who will accept that. Kissing another person has always been accepted by the vast majority of people that I know as cheating. I seem to find the same sentiment online aswell. You are in the minority, and to be honest you are the first person I have ever heard say this besides someone who is open to swinging and whatnot. I'm not here to slam you, just to let you know that yours is defintely the minority opinion and something that you will need to discuss when you hook up in the future. I'd be willing to bet most men will not tolerate that sort of behavior.
IslandGirl73 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm Aware That Most Men Won't Tolerate This Behavior, I'm Just Saying I Personally Wouldn't Feel The Guilt Of Cheating If I Just Kissed And Cuddled. That Being Said, If My S/o Were To Tell Me That THIS ALONE WOULD STILL BOTHER Him, Then Of Course, I Would Have To Consider His Feelings Ahead Of My Own And Would Have To Either Cease The Behavior Or Let Him Go To Avoid Hurting Him... FYI: NOT SURE WHEN I TYPE IN ALL CAPS, ONLY THE 1ST LETTER IS AFFECTED ?!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Forget what the bible says, kissing and cuddling with another man when you're married IS cheating! Don't you think the husband would be upset/jealous angry??? In HIS eyes, just like anybody else's, it's cheating. Part of what one gives up while getting married is giving up that stuff... Jacquesette, I doubt very much you live your WHOLE life by the bible. Sounds to me that you're justifying your actions by throwing out quotes from the bible. YOu're fooling yourself if you really honestly believe what you're saying.
JackJack Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm Aware That Most Men Won't Tolerate This Behavior, I'm Just Saying I Personally Wouldn't Feel The Guilt Of Cheating If I Just Kissed And Cuddled. That Being Said, If My S/o Were To Tell Me That THIS ALONE WOULD STILL BOTHER Him, Then Of Course, I Would Have To Consider His Feelings Ahead Of My Own And Would Have To Either Cease The Behavior Or Let Him Go To Avoid Hurting Him... If your husband or SO came clean and told you that he had kissed, cuddled and spent some time in the arms of another woman, how would you take that? Would that not be cheating then?
IslandGirl73 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 whichwayisup-you're probably right :-( justification is a b***ch!
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Then That Would Be Your Opinion Of Cheating But Doesn't Neccessarily Mean That Your Opinion Is Correct! Doesn't make it correct....thats why its an opinion regardless...it doesn't make what she did any less of a betrayal.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 I'm Aware That Most Men Won't Tolerate This Behavior, I'm Just Saying I Personally Wouldn't Feel The Guilt Of Cheating If I Just Kissed And Cuddled. Well then...aren't you a catch for some great guy. That Being Said, If My S/o Were To Tell Me That THIS ALONE WOULD STILL BOTHER Him, Then Of Course, I Would Have To Consider His Feelings Ahead Of My Own And Would Have To Either Cease The Behavior Or Let Him Go To Avoid Hurting Him... So in other words, you wouldn't think twice about kissing other men unless your SO specifically told you it bothered him??....geez.
MySugaree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Nasty adjectives like "selfish" and speculation about sexual abuse add very little to what is supposed to be a support forum. Often we post more for ourselves than others. I learned a number of things:veryconfusedmama is married, has children, is very bored with her husband who's often away from home for work, craves non-spousal male attention and affection, is seeking physical and emotional intimacy outside of marriage and wants to preserve her family for the kids. She's not ready to leave her husband, just yet. Although she has "left" him in other less obvious ways. She wants it all. Her options are many, and not necessarily mutually exclusive: marital counseling; individual counseling; an affair; trial separation; divorce. I recommend an affair plus individual counseling. She needs to get that jolt of excitement and nothing will do that like a full blown love affair. Although this extra-marital play will be full of risk, it does not necessarily mean that it will kill the marriage. I've seen women have affairs for years and maintain their marriages. It sounds like veryconfusedmama wants to be a cakegirl: She wants to remain a good and loving parent to her children by keeping marriage afloat yet, at the same time, she wants to play with other men. Is it doable? Men have been doing this for years, why not women?
Salicious Crumb Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 It sounds like veryconfusedmama wants to be a cakegirl: She wants to remain a good and loving parent to her children by keeping marriage afloat yet, at the same time, she wants to play with other men. Is it doable? Men have been doing this for years, why not women? Because it isn't right for either men or women to do this. Just because men have done it for years doesn't make it any less despicable when a woman does it. Bottom line...she wants other men, but doesn't want to lose the security of her home....well too bad. That IS SELFISH. Her husband is the one that will have to suffer because she won't let him go so he can get on with his life.
michelangelo Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Stating that men have been cheating for years so why not give women a turn is specious argumentation. Just with whom do you think those men have been cheating? Piling on more wrong things on top of existing ones makes no sense to me.
IslandGirl73 Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 Because it isn't right for either men or women to do this. Just because men have done it for years doesn't make it any less despicable when a woman does it. Bottom line...she wants other men, but doesn't want to lose the security of her home....well too bad. That IS SELFISH. Her husband is the one that will have to suffer because she won't let him go so he can get on with his life. SALICIOUS-HOW CAN YOU "KNOW IT ALL" THE ANSWERS? WHAT MAKES U SO SURE THAT HER HUBBY WOULD WANT OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE? LIKE I SAID, IN MY OPINION, KISSING IN OF ITSELF DOES NOT DEFINE 100% CHEATING LIKE COMMITTING ADULTERY WOULD AND SHE'S ALREADY INFORMED HER S/O OF HER DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION TO OTHER MEN, AND HE STILL CHOOSES TO STAY, THEN THAT WOULD CONFIRM WHAT MY PREVIOUS POST: IT DEPENS ON WHO U R AND WHO U'RE DOING IT TO. IF HER S/O DIDN'T SEE FIT FOR HIM TO LEAVE, THEN WHY SHOULD SHE? WHAT WOULD HER LEAVING ACCOMPLISH IF HE CHOSES TO TOLERATE IT? GEEZ, GIMME A BREAK....SO QUICK TO VOICE WHAT ONE SHOULD/SHOULD NOT DO...BUT U NEED TO STOP AND CONSIDER IF THAT'S WHAT THE PARTIES INVOLVE WANTS TO DO AS WELL! NOT EVERYONE VIEWS CHEATING IN THE SAME CATEGORIES AS U DO!!!
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 With or without her husband knowing she's out there having an affair? Yeah, it could save their marriage but it could also kill it right away. Does he get to go have an affair as well? Why not just decide end it or fix it. Why be selfish, get to keep your family together and sleep around at the same time? Life doesn't work that way, and definately isn't why people get married, so when life gets boring at home, they can cheat.
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 12, 2007 Author Posted February 12, 2007 Okay, I need to clarify a few things. I have told my husband. He was upset, yet still willing to stay and fight for our marriage. I didn't fully explain my husband and I's history. I really think a seperation would do us some good for the time being, so I can sort out my crap without having to keep hurting my husband. I asked him that, he said he didn't want that. As mentioned earlier, when I went through a phase after a year of our marriage, we took a weekend break. (No i didn't cheat then, stayed home and sorted my thoughts). BUT HE DID!! But is it really cheating? I think so. He thinks so, and he feels bad. However, this was over 3 years ago, so this is in the past. A friend told me that she thinks that I am still trying to hurt him for the hurt he caused me. I don't see this as truly whats happening but who knows. So I had to agree with an earlier post about wanting to stay for the sake of the kids and the security we have. No its not fair to him, but I told him he doesn't deserve this and if he wants to go, he can. I wouldn't blame him. I think this boredom has been going on for a long time, I have just been replacing the boredom with things (which I didn't realize at the time I was doing). For example, I went back to college cuz I was bored. I graduated and needed something else to fullfil my time-so we decided to build a house. (Something else to fullfil my time)> Don't get me wrong, I work fulltime and take care of my children. So where the hell is the boredom coming from? Is it me? Is it our relationship? I am to the point that everything he does annoys me. The way he eats, talks, drinks, stands, everything.!! So am I just unhappy with myself, therefore being critical of him? Oh I could go on and on. But I will just stop here. And yes I consider kissing, cheating. I think it worse to have an emotional connection than to just have a physical connection. So right now, I have an emotional connection with the man I cheated with and we talk everyday. Yet, I don't see myself with him forever, just for now. Ugh!!
MySugaree Posted February 12, 2007 Posted February 12, 2007 When you can't stand being around your spouse, and feel badly for harboring those strong negative feelings (which, ironically, make you feel worse about yourself and him) and you're emotionally attached to, and intimate with, another man, it's time for a major re-evaluation and marital overhaul. These marital misery issues are not short-term, and they do not sound slight or inconsequential. I believe a trial separation is in order to determine whether the grass really is greener on the other side and to allow you to regain your emotional equilibrium. You must change the status quo to determine whether the problems lie with you--or your chronically unhappy marriage. Who knows? Your Husband might look good after you see what's available out there. If you have the means, I recommend individual counseling which, one hopes, will help you make that determination. Lying in another man's arms might help, or it might not. You won't know until you try it. Please work out support arrangements, remain civil to one another and protect the children from the worst. Everyone's in for a rough ride but with luck all will survive and perhaps come out on the other side a little wiser and happier. No guarantees. Good luck, and fasten your seat belt.
seibert253 Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 Jacquesette Might I suggest you read what Jesus said. If you lust after a woman in your heart, then you've committed adultry. Maybe kissing in your mind doesn't constitute adultry but I think the Bible is crystal clear.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 What is wrong with me?? My guess would be low self-esteem. Hopefully you have no children, get divorced, get help and don't get married again until you can control your urges.
Impudent Oyster Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 \ so in my opinion, to keep your marriage vows in tack and to be safe, i don't see any harm in filling that "boredome" with a little spice and attention one can get from kissing and cuddling with someone else, without taken it all the way, if both parties involved are completely fine with it. but then again, to each his own... First of all, it's intact, and secondly, are you for real? No harm in kissing and cuddling with someone else? Are you INSANE? Kissing is cheating, hell, having dinner with another man/woman and lying to your spouse about it is cheating.., Oh and oral sex is sex, and is also cheating. Did you attend the Bill Clinton school of Spin Doctory?
Author veryconfusedmama Posted February 13, 2007 Author Posted February 13, 2007 MySugaree, Thanks for all the advice. You really seem to have helped. I wasn't sure if all those things that annoy me about my Husband were just little things adding up or were signs of a bigger problem brewing. I told him tonight that I wanted to seperate for a little while to sort things out. He just shook his head and said he wants to sort them out together. Then later he said, "you know i'm never gonna leave you". He is a sweet man and that makes me feel horrible. Is it really possible to just fall out of love with someone? OR do you think I am just going through issues of my own right now? Once again, thanks for all your meaningful advice!!
RecordProducer Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 You got a little bored of the marriage monotony, especially if the sex is not all that great or if your hubby is a major shmuck. Your mind and body are ready to fall in love again, but here you are married to this wonderful room mate of yours and you have to connect two unconnectable things. You're probably a dreamer, passionate romantic and you seek excitement out of life. You need a wild ride and you're getting something else: security, quality life, friendship... maybe not even that. I don't know what the solution is, but this is the description of your problem. You haven't elaborated it so I will go with what you worte. rankly, I doubt that your husband is so great. I bet you've had lots of ups and downs or you wouldn't be cheating on him. Have you slept with any of these guys?
MySugaree Posted February 13, 2007 Posted February 13, 2007 You're quite welcome, my lady. As for whether the problem lies within you or in your marriage, that's a distinction without a difference. Regardless of what some might say, falling out of love with someone is neither a sin nor character flaw. It happens every day. As for whether your marital misery is deep, long lasting and irrevocable, no one can say for sure.I have a 3-year test: if you're deeply unhappy being married to someone for 3 or more years--and you're not clinically depressed--it's usually time to go. Very few UM's ("Unhappy Married's") pull out of that tail spin. The crippled marriage almost always crashes and burns. If you separate, things won't improve overnight. But after a year or two, you'll most likely be a much happier woman. Believe me, I know.
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