I can't stop cheating

[veryconfusedmama]

I have been married for almost 5 years. My husbad is a great man. He is a wonderful father, a good care taker, and he loves me dearly.

But for some reason I am not happy. I can't stop cheating on him. And even after I kiss other guys, I dont' feel guilty. It's almost like i am looking for a new relationship.

 

I told him about the two times I have cheated adn he is so sad and hurt. And I feel bad for hurting him, yet at the same time I'm almost numb.

I really honestly don't know what the problem is.

I dont' know if we should take a break and figure things out. Right now I think it would be better for us to either take a break or get a divorce, because he does not deserve this and I dont' deserve him. However, I am scared once he leaves I will miss him and want him back. I know that sounds selfish.

 

What is wrong with me?? Do i even love him if I can cheat on him?

[LostHeart]

Just a thought: Maybe you like the spice of it. Is it possible that your husband no longer gives you that spice you get when cheating on him? You know, the first kiss, the romantic look, the chase of getting the guy and the chase of him after you? Maybe you need to spice up your life between you and your husband? I don't know...you say he's everything you'd want, apparently, but if you're cheating then the relationship is missing something you really desire. The only thing I can think of is roleplaying as just meeting him and trying to get him to want you and such as you'd do while pursuing a new mate (reads: cheating on him). Maybe someone else has some thoughts on this...hmm...

[outofdarkness]

I have been married for almost 5 years. My husbad is a great man. He is a wonderful father, a good care taker, and he loves me dearly.

But for some reason I am not happy. I can't stop cheating on him. And even after I kiss other guys, I dont' feel guilty. It's almost like i am looking for a new relationship.

 

I told him about the two times I have cheated adn he is so sad and hurt. And I feel bad for hurting him, yet at the same time I'm almost numb.

I really honestly don't know what the problem is.

I dont' know if we should take a break and figure things out. Right now I think it would be better for us to either take a break or get a divorce, because he does not deserve this and I dont' deserve him. However, I am scared once he leaves I will miss him and want him back. I know that sounds selfish.

 

What is wrong with me?? Do i even love him if I can cheat on him?

try checking out S/A...like A/A a twelve step program...If you're not up for that... Try talking to someone that you trust implicitly...It sounds to me like it could be compulsive w/ you...Just my thoughts...good luck and I'll be praying for u..

[Salicious Crumb]

I have been married for almost 5 years. My husbad is a great man. He is a wonderful father, a good care taker, and he loves me dearly.

But for some reason I am not happy. I can't stop cheating on him. And even after I kiss other guys, I dont' feel guilty. It's almost like i am looking for a new relationship.

 

I told him about the two times I have cheated adn he is so sad and hurt. And I feel bad for hurting him, yet at the same time I'm almost numb.

I really honestly don't know what the problem is.

I dont' know if we should take a break and figure things out. Right now I think it would be better for us to either take a break or get a divorce, because he does not deserve this and I dont' deserve him. However, I am scared once he leaves I will miss him and want him back. I know that sounds selfish.

 

What is wrong with me?? Do i even love him if I can cheat on him?

 

What is wrong with you?..do you really want me to answer that?

 

Do you you love him? No, you don't. Nobody can love anyone, then turn around and betray them like that.

 

My wife is no longer cheating, and I am staying for the kids sake.

 

But you are still cheating and have no intention of stopping...so maybe you should file for the divorce, and let him have full custody of your kids.

 

And yes, you may want him back and miss him....but really?...tough toenails.

 

That would be the decent thing to do.

[Salicious Crumb]

Just a thought: Maybe you like the spice of it. Is it possible that your husband no longer gives you that spice you get when cheating on him?

 

Ah...so its the husband's fault?

 

You know, the first kiss, the romantic look, the chase of getting the guy and the chase of him after you?

 

If that were a justification to cheat, I'd have cheated on my wife 100 times over. Marriages get a little stale after a while..especially after having kids.

 

But who says that is really the case here. Most of the time I believe that cheaters are just fickle and get bored with the same person for too long.

 

The old 7 year itch....put some damn cortisone on it.

[veryconfusedmama]

Yes I think I am bored, very very bored.

 

What do I do? We just took a weekend trip to try and rekindle our relationship, yet the whole time I was so bored.

 

I wonder if I am staying only for the kids. I don't want them to go through their parents getting a divorce, like I had to.

 

Yet at the same time, I dont' want them to see what a emotionless relationship we have.

OMG, I seriously don't know what to do?????

[veryconfusedmama]

And yes I do like the rush of it. I love the rush. But when its all said and done with, the rush will be over and so will my marriage.

 

Aaahhhh, what to do???

[bklk1227]

Just a thought: Maybe you like the spice of it. Is it possible that your husband no longer gives you that spice you get when cheating on him? You know, the first kiss, the romantic look, the chase of getting the guy and the chase of him after you? Maybe you need to spice up your life between you and your husband?

 

Ugh... That is the opposite of Marriage! If you like all that then you do not like commitment and lack the maturity to do so...

 

I told him about the two times I have cheated adn he is so sad and hurt. And I feel bad for hurting him, yet at the same time I'm almost numb.

I really honestly don't know what the problem is.

I dont' know if we should take a break and figure things out. Right now I think it would be better for us to either take a break or get a divorce, because he does not deserve this and I dont' deserve him. However, I am scared once he leaves I will miss him and want him back. I know that sounds selfish.

 

You obviously do not love him if you constantly hurt him... I question his sanity for continuously doing this dance with you. I mean "Fool me one ect..." Get some counsleing - individual and otherwise.

 

You will miss him. You will want him back... and you will cheat again unless both of you wake up and make adjustments! You have the perfect setup there - having your cake and eating it to... Take it from me, I just took away my wife's cake plate and she was none too happy. You won't leave, but he may wise up and leave you.

[outofdarkness]

And yes I do like the rush of it. I love the rush. But when its all said and done with, the rush will be over and so will my marriage.

 

Aaahhhh, what to do???

you sound like my H after D day. He admitted that he had a "problem" if you know what I mean. It can be treated if you admit you have one and reach out. I believe that most if not all serial cheaters have this problem. Are there just some sociopaths who care nothing about those they love or anything for that matter? Yes, but they are definately in the minority! You are not a bad person because you have the compulsion to do this. It's like any other addiction and should be treated as such, in my opinion. I am not saying for all of you OW's that most MM who have A's with you are serial cheaters. Most are probrably not, but I will say that my H, a very well respected and successful executive baby face type, told ALL of his OW's that they were the only ones in order to gain their trust. He has come a long way since beginning T, but has a long, life long battle to fight. He must be constantly vigilent and on his toes..He must know his triggers, whether they are certain people, places or things.

 

This is a dangerous sitution for you whether you are married or not. Do you use protection? This could be a death sentance for you, the men that you have A's with AND your H. It's not just a moral thing, it's a HEALTH thing!!! Hope this has helped, and remember that this is only my take on it. It doesn't apply to everyone who is a serial cheater...

[Salicious Crumb]

And yes I do like the rush of it. I love the rush. But when its all said and done with, the rush will be over and so will my marriage.

 

Aaahhhh, what to do???

 

Already told you ...get a divorce and let your husband have custody.

[ponderingfar]

Ah. Marriages get a little stale after a while..especially after having kids.

 

But who says that is really the case here. Most of the time I believe that cheaters are just fickle and get bored with the same person for too long.

 

The old 7 year itch....put some damn cortisone on it.

SC, mine got stale earlier, failed to check the expiry date on my H

 

I have been with H for 5 years and I am soooooooooo damn bored, luckily I haven't cheated yet...(but somehow in my thoughts I did). He has done so much to dampen my self esteem and I am not going to do something like cheat on him to help him trample on my self esteem some more. Some people were really born BORING!!! Just couldn't break away but the song "I Want To Break Free" keeps running through my mind. Everytime I feel miserable, I question myself how long can I stand this misery. I do not know as well if it is right to say I am staying for the kids because I feel am just giving them torment by letting them witness the bickerings and the love-less marriage.

 

Veryconfusedmama,

Maybe you should try hypnotherapy or somethin', I read this will make you travel back in time so maybe you could somehow understand the explanation for this behavior. In your heart you know that your H doesn't deserve this...keep us posted

[EnigmasMuse]

I think you might want to look into entering into some counseling to find out what the real root of the issues are for why you feel you "can't stop cheating."

 

Not so sure its just boredom either. People can be bored with alot of things, but it doesn't mean they continuly cheat. Theres a deeper issue here that needs to be delt with. I say invidual counseling for yourself, and marriage counseling for you both if you both want to try to make things work.

 

If you already feel in your heart you don't want things to work out, then do him a favor and let him go. Your issues still need to be delt with though, because if not, the same kind of thing will probably happen again in other relationships.

[Rooster_DAR]

I think you might want to look into entering into some counseling to find out what the real root of the issues are for why you feel you "can't stop cheating."

 

Not so sure its just boredom either. People can be bored with alot of things, but it doesn't mean they continuly cheat. Theres a deeper issue here that needs to be delt with. I say invidual counseling for yourself, and marriage counseling for you both if you both want to try to make things work.

 

If you already feel in your heart you don't want things to work out, then do him a favor and let him go. Your issues still need to be delt with though, because if not, the same kind of thing will probably happen again in other relationships.

 

She has issues from her childhood, I could almost bet on it.

[tweldy]

I suspect you have developed an addiction to sex - were you sexually abused as a child by any chance? This is very typical behavior for someone who was sexually abused in their youth - if so you will definately need professional help and your husband will have a better time understanding if this is the case. I wish you the best.

[veryconfusedmama]

Okay, I have thinking about what all of you have said.

 

I think I am staying because its safe. I feel safe. I don't think i love him anymore, i just am scared ****less to let him go. How do I get passed that?

 

And to the sexual abuse comment. I don't have sex with any of these men. We kiss, cuddle, hang out and have fun. Nothing sexual about it. That is why I am so disturbed about my behavior. Why do I need other men's attention to make me feel "happy". I don't really think they are making me happy, I think its all in my head.

I've been reading books on how to change my attitude about our relationship. But nothing seems to be working. He wants to know why I have done these things. I can't even give him encouraging words. I just feel numb.

And I feel exactly the same way as ponderingafar does. But I feel even worse because he is a boring person, I have always known that and I can't and don't want to change who he is. Will the boredom ever go away? Will I ever be truly happy with him?

And I would never give him custody of the kids. He works away from home and is gone more than not. So that is not an option. Even if he was home more, I wouldn't give up my kids.

Okay, so I am going to try my damndest to stop cheating on him and give him everything that he deserves. He asked me last night where our passion has gone. He said it hasn't been there for 3 years now. And I only started cheating a month ago.

[Salicious Crumb]

Okay, I have thinking about what all of you have said.

 

I think I am staying because its safe. I feel safe. I don't think i love him anymore, i just am scared ****less to let him go. How do I get passed that?

 

You don't get passed it. You already said you don't love him. Life is too short for this guy to be wasting his time with a wife that is out getting boned by other men.

 

You need to divorce him so he can get on with his life.

 

I don't understand the part about being scared of losing him since you would rather spread 'em for other guys and you say you don't love him. Is it a security/money thing?

 

Either way, you don't love him, you are disrespecting the hell out of him and you would rather be with other men.

 

Divorce him and just suck it up with regards to "losing" him. He doesn't deserve what you are doing to him and the family.

[Salicious Crumb]

And I would never give him custody of the kids. He works away from home and is gone more than not. So that is not an option. Even if he was home more, I wouldn't give up my kids.

 

As if cheating wasn't selfish enough.

 

Ok...divorce the guy so he can get on with his life..and selfishly take the kids from him....even though you are the one doing this to the family....to hell with your husband right?

[JackJack]

Why do I need other men's attention to make me feel "happy".

 

How was your relationship with your father? Maybe you are seeking out from these men what you feel you didn't get from your father? Maybe that has something to do with it?

[veryconfusedmama]

Salicious Crumb,

 

I don't spread my legs for other men.

 

Money/security thing? Possibly. But at the same time, I would be okay, financially without him too.

I just keep hoping this is a phase. That is why I haven't left him. I have went through this phase before (after we'd been married for a year), but I never cheated, just felt like cheating. The phase passed and I am hoping this one will too.

I know that if I was 100% sure it was over, I wouldn't be with him.

[veryconfusedmama]

Nothing like kicking someone when they are down, huh?

 

He has already told me, he wouldn't want custody of the kids. We have talked about divorce and decided we would remain friends and live near each other for the kids' sake, if we were ever to divorce.

 

I am selfish, I have been selfish, I know this, hence the post. I don't want to be with more than one man. I want to be satisfied with my husband and I sure the hell don't want to break up my family. I want to work through this crap, just not sure how to.

[Salicious Crumb]

Salicious Crumb,

 

I don't spread my legs for other men.

 

Like you wouldn't if the opportunity wasn't there.

 

Money/security thing? Possibly. But at the same time, I would be okay, financially without him too.

I just keep hoping this is a phase. That is why I haven't left him. I have went through this phase before (after we'd been married for a year), but I never cheated, just felt like cheating.

 

Kissing is cheating.

 

The phase passed and I am hoping this one will too.

I know that if I was 100% sure it was over, I wouldn't be with him.

 

He still deserves to get on with his life.

[whichwayisup]

I think I am staying because its safe. I feel safe. I don't think i love him anymore, i just am scared ****less to let him go. How do I get passed that?

 

You get yourself into therapy and talk about it, sort it out and deal with it.

 

I am selfish, I have been selfish, I know this, hence the post. I don't want to be with more than one man. I want to be satisfied with my husband and I sure the hell don't want to break up my family. I want to work through this crap, just not sure how to.

 

Okay, so I am going to try my damndest to stop cheating on him and give him everything that he deserves. He asked me last night where our passion has gone. He said it hasn't been there for 3 years now. And I only started cheating a month ago.

 

You have to dig down deep and remember what it was that caught your eye about your husband in the first place. Try to capture those feelings, passion and love again.

Havin another man, married or not, on the side is NOT going to help your marriage...It will destroy it!

 

Also, get yourselves into marriage counselling. IF you want your husband and the marriage to work, you gotta WORK ON IT. Marriage isn't easy, it's an on-going work in progress...You can't sit there and put no effort in, expecting a good marriage.

[Salicious Crumb]

Nothing like kicking someone when they are down, huh?

 

You aren't the one that is down...it is your husband.

 

I am selfish, I have been selfish, I know this, hence the post. I don't want to be with more than one man. I want to be satisfied with my husband and I sure the hell don't want to break up my family. I want to work through this crap, just not sure how to.

You're thread title is "I can't stop cheating"...you won't be working through anything unless you stop.

 

So that is how you work through this crap if you don't intend on getting a divorce.

 

And if you intend to keep cheating...then divorce is your only answer.

 

As far as your husband not wanting custody because he probably wants them to be with their mother....he is a noble guy...sounds like a great father.

 

But the way you put it...even if he wanted custody in the midst of your cheating..you said you wouldn't give them up...and that is probably more selfish than the cheating itself. That would be a double back-stab.

 

its funny that when a wife cheats on a husband...he tends to lose big time even though he didn't want to be in the situation...the only thing a wife loses is a husband.

 

Anyway, if you really want to work through this..then its easy....STOP FREAKIN' CHEATING!!!

[whichwayisup]

Don't go for full custody IF you and your husband divorce...Joint custody is the way to go, and is best for your children. Put them first, because if you don't, they are the ones who are going to suffer the most.

[IslandGirl73]

salicious crumb, if you go strictly by what the Bible's definition of cheating is, then technically, "kissing" does not fall under it. according to the Bible's standards of morals, committing ADULTERY, which is sex outside of marriage, would be the one act that would break the marriage vows and so therefore would actually be cheating. but spending your time with someone else without the sexual intimacy can not be classified as the same as cheating since there's no sex taking place and therefore no marriage vows being broken!

 

so in my opinion, to keep your marriage vows in tack and to be safe, i don't see any harm in filling that "boredome" with a little spice and attention one can get from kissing and cuddling with someone else, without taken it all the way, if both parties involved are completely fine with it. but then again, to each his own...