Can you explain this dilema?

[Zankon]

My ex and I were together for about 1.5 years. everything was good and she was just adorable. fast forward 1 year. 6 months ago she moved in to my place and we started planning our future, employment etc.

she got promoted, I quit my job to focus on a business I started with my partner. Now from here on, everything started going down.

Im gonna skip all the arguments that happened and why they happened because they're typical to what people write in here.

 

So 3 weeks ago, she split and left apt. But we agreed to stay friends. Now without her here helping with 1/2 the bills, I was forced to look for a day job and work at night on my business venture (dont ask I look like a zombie). Throughout this process I met an interesting girl and I think that things are going ok between us... simple attraction and flirting all over the place.

 

Now my ex and I keep in touch by txt msg everyday. She would send me msg like these:

"I m so sad today and life is tasteless without you"

"I m so much in love with you how come we cant wrok this out"

"You don t love me anymore, just admit it"

"I want to come back home and make things better"

 

Now to all of these msg I said it was better for both of us to live seperate lives and I refused to have her back. I am in such a financial crisis right now but I didnt show her any sign of weakness.

 

Then at times I d ask her how 's life going and she would say she's never been happier, not crying or anything and feels such a big relief and inner joy.

 

So yesterday, she said she was going to visit her family with friends (family is 400 miles away). I asked her if she had any boy in sight and she said no then threw the question back at me. I answered her honestly by saying there is this girl I like and things might evolve but nothing is written on stones yet. Boy was that a mistake, she blew like a grenade and insulted me with every calorie of energy she had. "only 3 weeks and you already started looking?!?!" she said

 

Some of the things she said were I manipulated her, used her and walked all over her heart, never loved her and never cared... I asked her if all the financial help, emotional support and stuff I did for her and presents I gave her weren't proof of love and care she replied "it's all for f****** show, you never really cared"

 

I didnt respond to that and just signed off.

 

This morning she sent me a txt msg asking me how I was and if I was still mad at her and I said "why would you care about a manipulative control freak who used you and walked all over your heart? how I m doing is none of your business"

 

she replied by this "when you told me about the girl you enraged me... you re a great person the best ever yadiyada and maybe it's true we're not compatible and we should walk away from each other"

 

So I m thinking, why is she up and down like this. At times she s sad and other she's the happiest. At times she wants to come back now she doesn't wanna come back. Dont get me wrong, I will not live with her again no matter what... but I m just wondering, could you please tell me what;s in her mind and what's up with the mood swings?

[Guest]

Regardless of who intiated the breakup no one wants to feel they were that easily replaced. That's just human nature.

 

That being said why did she move out?

 

It really sounds like she has some growing up to do. Sounds to me like she's testing you. Hmmm..what can I say that will get to him? I would call her bluff and go NC until she grows up. You have two jobs and financial obligations. Who has time for her childish actions?

 

Never ask a question you don't wanna know the answer too. That's what she did and she doesn't like it.

[TheDC]

Honestly, who cares? She's the Ex so don't sweat her motivations. Just be thankful you aren't with here anymore and go on with your life. If she freaks out then that's her problem not yours.

[Salicious Crumb]

She sounds like a real head case to me.

 

Amputate her from your life in any way you can.

[Kamille]

What's going on? you really want to know?

 

She's broken-hearted! It's not easy for everyone when something that held the promise of 'love forever' fails. Read the messages of those here who feel broken hearted. We are all over the map and we don't understand ourselves and our emotions half the time! We have good days and bad days. Hell, by now I have good months sprinkled with bad weekends and I'm still here - because dammit, I still believe in what could have been. And it definitely hurts us, even when we rationnaly know that things aren't meant to be, when our exes find somebody new.

 

It sounds like you're handling things really well on your side. Just be patient with her. Keep being honest with her. She'll get throught it. It's something we also all end up doing. little by little. one day at a time.

[Shadowdog36]

It's really simple what's going on in her head. She's not crazy or a basket case or anything else unrational. She's trying to be indifferent, she's trying to let you know that she doesn't care (even though she still does), she's trying to get you to chase her. When that doesn't work, she's trying to tell you how great you were together. I know it's making her sound crazy, but it's the same for anyone drowning...sometimes if you try to save them, they'll pull you under too. She's trying to save what she had with you, and killing any chance in the process. Have a heart, and go easy on the girl. If you don't 'rise to the occasion' when she starts into you, eventually she'll realize that behavior doesn't work.

[Zankon]

Guest: she moved out because i told her that co-existance is quasi impossible and i don't like coming home sometimes because I don't feel like I m coming home but to a swamp of arguments rather.

 

Thank you all for your opinions I extremely appreciate it.

 

She made me so mad when she said that my love and care for her was just for show. I really did a lot for her that I have never done to anybody before. Now, it seems like whatever I did counted for nothing!

 

For you guys who said 'who cares move on' I wish I could it's easier said than done because in the end, I am still a human being and I want good things to happen to others. That's why I accepted the 'let's be friends' offer.

 

You don't have to conitnue reading from here on to reply but if you're curious to know some examples of situations that went sour:

 

1- We play scrabble. Now I am good at that game and I always beat her (she's an english as a second language instructor) and she uses some nice words. mine are simple but gimme lots of points. I won one day like usual then she started weeping. When I asked her what's wrong she said "I can never beat you!" (mind you we're both 28 and english is not my mothertongue but it is hers)

 

2- she refuses to play Mastermind as well for the same reason. She says it frustrates her that she can't decode the colours as fast as I do.

 

3- I have an MBA she's never finished her undergrad. She asked me one time why her paycheque is never enough although she makes good money. her credit is bad too. So I told her I will help her but she has to follow wht I say even if she doesn't like it and i ll put her back on track. Agreed. in 3 months I negociated a credit card for her, got her a saving and a retirement account and everything started to look good specially that I stopped her crazy mall spending. Now I don't do it anymore because she said I was a control freak.

 

4- i helped her with a work project where she was praised by the director himself. She asked me how i come up with stuff like that. I am a reader... i love to read so I told her well read books from smarter people and your mind will get trained to think the same rather than Elle or People magazine and all that crap. agreed. I gave her a wonderful book to read... 2 months later I went to check it on the night stand, the marker was on page 34!!!.

 

5- after I quit work, these are things she'd say "you're not working, you're staying at home all day and it's very stressful for me blabla" i don't understand because I still pay 50% of everything so how is that stressful to her?

 

6- She bought me a computer i really wanted as a gift. agreement was I put it on my 0% credit card and she ll pay it off in 8 months or so. Now when she left and talked about balancing our last bills, she told me to suck it up for the computer (she made 1 payment only)... no prob with that. She turns around and asks me to co-sign for her to buy new furniture or let her use my 2.9% credit card (all furniture in this apt is mine)

 

7- Last thing she said to me yesterday "I am too intelligent for you and all you foreigners think you're all so smart" ...

 

8- I called her a bitch/whore 1.5 month ago because she went to a party and got wasted (her term) and slept in a hotel room with 4 guys and 2 girls instead of coming home or taking a cab. According to her, nothing happened and she paid 100 bucks for the room (yep cost wasn;t shared). I agree i shouldn't ve said it no woman should be called as such... I wasn't happy with that and i am still regretful.

 

.... I ll stop here cuz I will need lots of time to say just 1/4 of it.

 

Any thoughts?

[confucious]

I guess in the end the reason you broke up is not important - you DID break up and you are certain you want it to stay that way. All that really matters at the moment is your current situation, ie: her calling, texting, wanting you back, saying how you never cared etc etc.

 

Yes, it all sounds crazy, but as above posters said - she is heartbroken (you did the break up and told her to leave, that is enough to break anyone's heart) and doesn't know what to do.

 

1. The times she is strong and tells you she's moved on, doesn't cry anymore etc. may be times when she FEELS strong and wants desperately to be and SEEM strong. She is lying to you and maybe even to herself because deep inside she is 80% certain there is no chance with you
   
2. the times she calls and reminisces or talks of wanting your love back she is giving in to her "weakness", her facade is cracking and I am sure when she gets off the phone she is kicking herself.
   
3. after an episode like this I am sure she will try to come off as superwoman - stronger than steel and "who needs a f@cker like you"...when you don't seem phased by this blustering she gets hurt again, is unable to maintain the illusion, and gets "weak" again.

Thus the seeming craziness. All she needs is time to understand you really are NOT getting back together. Perhaps it is best you two do NC for at least a few months...

[LakesideDream]

There is another little tidbit that enters into the senerio. When you admitted to her that you were becoming interested in another woman... it threated her belief that you were her "back up guy".

 

Women almost always have "back up guys" when they leave a relationship. I have little doubt that your ex did as well.

 

On LS, this type of person is often referred to as a "Cake Eater", as in wants cake, and wants to eat cake as well. With a little research (if you had the time to do it) I bet you would find out that she has a "casual" friend same as you do.

[Kamille]

Women almost always have "back up guys" when they leave a relationship. I have little doubt that your ex did as well.

 

 

Where do you guys get your books on female psychology? I have seen so many posts where men make this comment about women!

 

Yes, some humans need back ups before they leave a relationship. I've seen as many men as women do it. I also know a lot of women who do not function this way.

 

Lakeside, I don't mean to single you out in perticular, but it is annoying to see my gender described as if we were a specific specie who all behaved according to a specific rules. I believe it does a disservice to men above all when they go about thinking that a set of rules will help them figure out women - instead of approaching them as complex humans just like the rest of the guys.

 

And besides, in this case, the woman in question did not chose to leave the relationship.

[Zankon]

Her birthday was yesterday and I didn't send her a msg or anything. i totally ignored it... was that rude of me or is it better that way to make the break up easier with NC?

[Kamille]

I'm reminded of a Bjork song: 'how you reacted was good, how she reacted was good - give her some time, give her some space.' (and then I forget the word).

 

My understanding of your break-up is that you initiated it (putting you in position of dumper), and I'm therefore wondering if it wouldn't be better if you somehow found a non-condescending way of explaining to her why you think you both need to take some time of NC. Or perhaps you did that already?

 

Of course, she might not react too well because this puts you in charge of yet another decision.

 

But no matter what, you have to do what's best for you.

[Zankon]

Kamille:

 

I did explain to her as diplomatically as possible that we will both be better off living separate lives... i remember correctly she said that she agreed with me "I think you're absolutely right, we're not compatible" she said in a txt

msg.

 

Only to tell me, a day later, that we're not together because she's too "intelligent" (her word) for me and I can't handle her. She added she feels

sorry for the next girl that is going to be "stuck" (her word) with me.

 

When I asked her why is she saying that, she replied because I am manipulative, control freak, take advg of people and throw them out when I am done, charm girls to fall in love with me and once they do I break their hearts and walk all over it.

 

So I asked her why she wanted to stay friends since I am so bad, she replied "May be I don't anymore, jerk!"

 

What's your feedback?

[Zankon]

ok now she sent me a few txt msg in which she s asking me to reunite.

i don t understand what about all the things she said before? (plz refer to my post up here)

 

what do you guys think?