Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I have to admitt. I'm at the begining of the end here. The past... (I'm a lesbian!)... I dated this girl (lets call her Faith)...for about 18 months, everything was perfect, we never fought, we were like BEST best friends. Although I was never attracted to her in the way that I was to this other girl (lets call her Jamie). Faith went on vacation, and an oppertunity stuck it's hand out and I shook it! I went to a friends house, evidentally got drunk and made out with Jamie. Jamie then confided in my that she had always liked me. The time came for Faith and I to part ways... Faith and I kept connections open.. so Faith and I used to e-mail each other, and I will admit some of the e-mails may have had an over-tone of "what if we were still together"...Faith told me she forgave me (by this time she had moved on into another relationship with a boy) I was happy for her. Jamie and I were pretty happy, but anyone Faith was brought up Jamie would get so angry. Jamie found out that Faith and I were e-mailing each other...I didn't want to lose Jamie, so I sent a pretty harsh e-mail to Faith saying that we shouldn't talk anymore and that e-mailing each other was wrong, and that we need to move on. I didn't really want to send that e-mail out...but I did. We haven't talked since. Jamie is a GREAT girl, she takes care of me, she truly does love me. But I find her to be a little controling. But I suppose I'm a little controling in my own way. I really do love Jamie in every way. But I go back in my minds eye...and what Faith and I had...was speical. I see my parents together and it reminds me of Faith and I...not Jamie and I. I'm scared for Jamie and my relationship...I WANT things to work out for us so bad, because I really do love Jamie. But it's like I can't talk to jamie as a friend...it's almost like that person who you don't want to tell anything because you're afraid they'll judge you. The story goes deeper of course, Jamie and I had been friends for a long time and have known each other for 5 years before becoming a couple...and we've been a couple for almost 2 years. But idk why I just can't seem to love Jamie as much as I loved Faith. I can't stop thinking about Faith, I think about her every day at least ten times. I dream about her everynight. I feel guilty, I need this to go away, I know Faith and I could never get back together because of what I did and the e-mail I sent her. And I want to be with Jamie...but I need help finding out why I can't love Jamie the way I loved Faith. I know this is alot of reading but I need help severly...PLEASE, even a person sharing the same story would help me at this point...
polywog Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Well, I think that this is because you never had enough space between relationships. You never had a chance to process the break up with Faith before jumping into the relationship with Jamie. Don't you think?
Author Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Well I believe that's half true. Because before I dated Faith...I had just dumped my Ex Sarah 2 days before. I suppose I do rush into things...but it's just hard to believe I'm having so much trouble keeping Faith out of my head, when I really want Jamie in my head....It's almost like Jamie and I don't really belong in a relationship because we're such different people...but we've grown to love each other...and we can't let go, nor do we want to.
polywog Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I used to be a "Serial Monogamist", going from one relationship to the next after dumping my bfs. I can tell you that it is hard to get over your ex when you do this, even if you were the one to end it. Maybe you will stay with Jamie for a long time or forever, but just keep in mind that without space between relationships you'll be dwelling on the recent past. I gotta go now, but I will check back to your post later.
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 IME with my lesbian friends, it seems like this pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship happens a lot. The truth is the only way to get someone out of your mind is time. And you have to NOT allow yourself to think about that person. That's why having space between relationships is such a good thing. It helps you take time to really exorcise that old relationship from your heart.
Author Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 I'm afraid that I'll be alone forever to be honest. That's why I haven't had enough guts to keep my relationships spaced out I mean I haven't been single for like 5 years, and I'm only 19. I like having a partner. But this has never happend before. I'm normally a really really nice person, and I treat people with respect, but I'm so afraid that I disrespected Faith so bad and it's just on my mind 24/7. But I feel guilty about feeling bad for Faith because of Jamie. I feel like by sending that e-mail...I was conforming to the way Jamie wanted me to be. I'm not that person though, I wouldn't have stopped e-mailing Faith if it wasn't for Jamie, and I also don't think I'd be in this situation if it wasn't for that e-mail
Author Dadubwa Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 I've been dating Jamie for like 2 years...that's not enough time? I have tried to stop thinking about her but like a song or a T.V. show or a food reminds me of her. It's so hard to just push those thoughts away...I wonder if she does the same about me. Idk if I wish she did or didn't, but if she did think about me as much as I thought about her...idk. I guess I just wish I knew if she thought about me...if she didn't then maybe I could move on with my life.
blind_otter Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 I've been dating Jamie for like 2 years...that's not enough time? Well not if you jumped right into another relationship. Then, you bring all the baggage from your previously relationship with you into the new interaction. And that old baggage can spoil a perfectly good relationship. Just like it seems to be doing to you right now. I guess I just wish I knew if she thought about me...if she didn't then maybe I could move on with my life. You said yourself that she was happy in her new relationship with a boy. Take that as your closure.
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